What's best for me/her?

[starting2wakeup]

debtman, Thank you for the well wishes. I had to go back to the doctor today thanks to a new symptom - it felt like someone was squeezing my lungs together. Other than that, nothing new to report on the health front. I'm just hanging in there.

 

So this is a weird one. I'm talking to a co-worker about my ER ordeal and she starts to fiddle with and adjust her bra. She's making these really strange faces so I asked if she was alright. She then made a comment about her breasts being "big and juicy"! For the record, they are quite big. So my first thought is, "WAIT, did she just really say that?" Yes. Yes she did. And she said it with a smile. I then start to inch slowly out of her office because I know if I say anything next, ANYTHING, I would be opening myself up to a sexual harassment lawsuit. That may sound crazy to some, but in most office environments, that is simply the case. Doesn't matter if the other person (male of female) starts the conversation, once a line has been crossed, that's it, your out a job.

 

So why bother to tell this random story of the co-worker with the big boobs (she has a star tattooed on each one, for those of you keeping score at home) and her random, inappropriate comment? Well it actually helped me to realize something I have learned from my ongoing situation. After pulling myself out of a 3 minute funk from the realization of how long it has been since I have enjoyed the company of a woman, I started to think... this girl lives with her boyfriend. She talks about him likes he is the greatest thing since sliced bread, yet here she is, flaunting her body. If she were my girlfriend, she would have crossed a huge boundary. I do not want to be with someone, no matter how cool they may seem, or attractive they are, if they could so easily flirt with another man. I would find it very disrespectful. I understand my boundaries now more than ever. It felt good to realize that I was making some progress in getting to know myself better.

 

That said, I'm feeling very lonely now. Having a huge pair of boobs in thrown in my face did not help my mental state and no, I never thought in a million years that I would EVER say that.

[worldgonewrong]

Having a huge pair of boobs in thrown in my face did not help my mental state and no, I never thought in a million years that I would EVER say that.

 

Clearly you're under the influence of some kind of sedative, my man.

 

I kid - I know how you feel, re your thinking.

 

Love to you, pal. Please DO feel better.

[starting2wakeup]

I need help. How do you change? I've spent years, well over a decade, focused on my family. Focused on my wife. On her poor health. On taking care of her and making sure she and our children were provided for and happy. Now she doesn't want me and I don't know how to turn that focus inward. I've tried. I've made great strides in certain areas but I still can't redirect that love and concern for her toward myself.

 

I just spoke to her and she seems so calm about everything. She says she knows she's not ready for any relationship. She also says she knows what we have is something different. I think it's different too but I'm not so misguided as to think I can or should just wait around until she decides shes ready. I know I can't. But I'm also so afraid to cut that last tie.

 

There are things I want to in life. Goals I want to accomplish but I can't seem to move forward without getting stuck on her. I've lost my best friend and don't know how to move forward. I'd like to get out and meet new people but I have no time, I'm always either working or with the girls. And when I do have time, I have no money, or no clue as what to do or how to go about it.

 

I'm trying not to hate myself, but I am so lonely. The one thing that hurts more that losing my wife, is that I've lost my best friend.

[debtman]

I hear you. I had the rest of my life planned. I knew what my future held. I knew what my kids had to look forward to. I knew there were problems, but, in time, I was going to address them. I was fixing one thing at a time, but, while I was focused on one thing, she moved on to fix the next thing and found OM who was willing to address that with her.

 

It sucks to lose your best friend, your co-parent, your lover...BUT, they gave up, they quit. They're not worth worrying about anymore, you've got to move on. Hardest thing to listen to my wife talk about her health issues, her problems, her fears and not offer any support or encouragement. I did that for years. I tried to do everything I could to support her, to encourage her, to re-assure her. IT WASN'T ENOUGH and SHE decided that she needed more and thought she was going to go out and find it...maybe she did...for now.

 

It's my turn. I never asked for more. Now I will, but not from her, from life. I'm enjoying my time, I'm enjoying my life. I've got more financial stress and more emotional stress but I've also got freedom, more quality time with my kids, complete ability to find myself, focus myself and make myself who I want to be again. Life will only get better. I will only become more motivated, more confident and a better example for my kids...

 

Don't ever forget that you are in a temporary situation!! It will get worse, it will get better, but, in the end, it will be EXACTLY what YOU make it now...

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[dreamingoftigers]

I need help. How do you change? I've spent years, well over a decade, focused on my family. Focused on my wife. On her poor health. On taking care of her and making sure she and our children were provided for and happy. Now she doesn't want me and I don't know how to turn that focus inward. I've tried. I've made great strides in certain areas but I still can't redirect that love and concern for her toward myself.

 

I just spoke to her and she seems so calm about everything. She says she knows she's not ready for any relationship. She also says she knows what we have is something different. I think it's different too but I'm not so misguided as to think I can or should just wait around until she decides shes ready. I know I can't. But I'm also so afraid to cut that last tie.

 

There are things I want to in life. Goals I want to accomplish but I can't seem to move forward without getting stuck on her. I've lost my best friend and don't know how to move forward. I'd like to get out and meet new people but I have no time, I'm always either working or with the girls. And when I do have time, I have no money, or no clue as what to do or how to go about it.

 

I'm trying not to hate myself, but I am so lonely. The one thing that hurts more that losing my wife, is that I've lost my best friend.

 

Perhaps look up a healing seperation and see if your wife might be interested in that. It would give you both the freedom to heal and live your lives, yet not slam that door completely until you are both ready.

[starting2wakeup]

sometimes love is just letting go so you can get on with being you.

 

trippi, I stole your quote from another thread because it really hit home for me.

 

OK, so I talked to my W yesterday. I told her how hard it was for me feeling like my best friend has fired me. And how confused I was about her mixed signals. I told her the story about the girl at work and in hindsight, I probably told her this to see is she would get jealous. Which was dumb and maybe even shallow but, I told her. It clearly got to her because she called me back a few hours later wanting to know more about my co-worker.

 

Anyway, while talking I mentioned about how lonely it was not having any one to talk to and she suggested that I "meet interesting people". She told me a story about some charity function she went to. There she met an older woman who had been married for 50 some years. Her and her husband had however gotten a divorce in the middle of their relationship, for several years. The H had even gotten remarried and divorced before getting back together with her, his first wife. This women's advice to my W was for her to meet interesting people while we were apart. I asked her if that's what she thought would happen to us, that we would separate and then one day get back together, because frankly, it does not sound appealing in the slightest. I told her that I wasn't ready to date other people, to which she replied, I didn't mean you should date other people, just meet interesting people. WTF? Either way, it's hard to meet new people when you have a full time job and two daughters to raise, on your own.

 

She said that she felt like we should see a councilor again, as we keep talking about the same thing. She said the fact that she still talks to me is proof that she loves me. She also said that she will never let herself hurt me again, and if that means not talking to or seeing me anymore, so be it.

 

dreamingftigers, I will look into a "healing seperation", thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my ramblings. And debtman, as always, thanks as well. I hear every word you are saying. I may not like it, I may not be quite ready to accept it, but I hear you.

[starting2wakeup]

The other day my W suggested we go to counseling because we keep talking / arguing about the same thing. Well, yesterday I was in a fairly positive mind frame so I called her while at work. I don't want a repeat of the last time we went to MC. I don't want to go through that heartache again, and I certainly don't want to have to pay for it. So yesterday I asked her "you said the other day that we keep talking about the same thing, well, what is that thing?" She replied, "about our relationship, our dynamic." To which I responded, "OK. Well, what do you want to do about our relationship?" She didn't know.

 

I didn't stay on the phone with her for very long. I actually ended the conversation early as I didn't want to get into anything over the phone. I just wanted a straight answer. What is it you say we keep talking about, so much so that you feel we need a mediator to sort out this issue. The answer, our relationship. When I asked what she wanted to do about "our relationship" so that we don't keep talking about it, she had no answer. Which I think is why we keep talking about it! Right?

 

Well I know one thing. I'm not going to bring it up again, at least for a while. My W has surgery tomorrow and the last thing she needs is added stress. The last thing I need is added stress. So what have I learned, she knows as much / little about our current dynamic and where to take it as I do.

[debtman]

s2wu,

 

At least you're both on the same page as far as not knowing what to expect from each other. Like you said, take some time off from it (if you can) and don't discuss it with her until she's recovered, you've cleared your head and had some time.

 

As far as meeting interesting people goes, I highly recommend that. As part of the 180 it's just part of getting out there, getting on with life, finding people to do things with and building new relationships (friendships). I'm not looking for any type of romantic relationship right now, but I am going out to meet new people with similar interests and re-building my network of people to do things with...

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[starting2wakeup]

As far as meeting interesting people goes, I highly recommend that. As part of the 180 it's just part of getting out there, getting on with life, finding people to do things with and building new relationships (friendships). I'm not looking for any type of romantic relationship right now, but I am going out to meet new people with similar interests and re-building my network of people to do things with...

 

This is admittedly something I have struggled with. First, it's hard to find the time. I have the girls most of the time. I think in the last 6 months the longest I have gone without at least one of them is 5 days. Now, I am in no way complaining about that. I love my girls and wish I could spend everyday with them, but that responsibility does limit my social time. I could get a babysitter but, financially, at least for the moment, I just don't have the money to pay someone to watch the girls and go out and do something. I do get out of the house. I went to a movie by myself last Sunday. If you had the inclination to see SUCKER PUNCH because you thought it looked really cool or because you heard it had a story filled with empowered women, don't waste your money. It does "look" really pretty but it has zero story and the LAST thing it does is present a empowered female character. But I digress.

 

I keep seeing in other threads the word meetup thrown around so I looked in to it. meetup dot com may be the scariest thing I have ever come across on the internet, and yes, that site or internet clip you are thinking of right now, I've seen it, and meetup is scarier. Or at least it is in my neck of the woods. Within a thirty miles radius from my zip code the only things going on are senior citizen bikers getting together to cruise the local grocery stores in a quest to find which has the lowest price on 2% milk and a vampire coven which is lead by a woman who believes herself to be a direct descendent of Dracula. And she means Dracula, not Vlad the Impaler, the inspiration for Dracula, but Dracula the fictional character!? The only thing meetup has taught me is that I NEED TO MOVE!

 

The truth of the matter is, I'm a not very social creature. I'm open to suggestions. I've looked into local groups for divorcees and people going through a separation and the only one that looked worth going to... my W's mother belongs to. I also looked into a local meditation group... my W goes. Truthfully, I'm not sure how much she does go, and she probably doesn't go when she has the kids so I may look into that again. Still, just the idea of attending such a get together, feels, awkward.

[debtman]

lol...I guess the meetup groups are more popular in my area. I think it's more about going out and finding other people with similar interests and getting involved/trying things that you're interested in.

 

Since Oct. I've spent time getting back into hobbies I pursued previously like rock climbing, kayaking, kite surfing and snowboarding and have gone out and tried new hobbies like tango and salsa dancing, cross-country skiing and ice skating. In each activity, I've met new people, made new friends and started building a network of people go go do things with.

 

It can be hard with the kids, but I try to focus on getting out every night I don't have them and doing something. I don't have them this weekend and I'm planning on FINALLY getting things taken care of at home and finally getting unpacked and getting her packed up and out of the house. I've got the kids next weekend and, the weekend after that, I plan to start skydiving again, which I'm really looking forward to.

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[trippi1432]

I keep seeing in other threads the word meetup thrown around so I looked in to it. meetup dot com may be the scariest thing I have ever come across on the internet, and yes, that site or internet clip you are thinking of right now, I've seen it, and meetup is scarier. Or at least it is in my neck of the woods. Within a thirty miles radius from my zip code the only things going on are senior citizen bikers getting together to cruise the local grocery stores in a quest to find which has the lowest price on 2% milk and a vampire coven which is lead by a woman who believes herself to be a direct descendent of Dracula. And she means Dracula, not Vlad the Impaler, the inspiration for Dracula, but Dracula the fictional character!? The only thing meetup has taught me is that I NEED TO MOVE!

 

S2W - I had to laugh....yeah....not a good sign there!! :o Might need a better keyword search!! :eek:

 

The truth of the matter is, I'm a not very social creature. I'm open to suggestions. I've looked into local groups for divorcees and people going through a separation and the only one that looked worth going to... my W's mother belongs to. I also looked into a local meditation group... my W goes. Truthfully, I'm not sure how much she does go, and she probably doesn't go when she has the kids so I may look into that again. Still, just the idea of attending such a get together, feels, awkward.

 

What about things that you do with the kids? Soccer games, baseball...whatever sport they are into. Interesting people doesn't mean that they have to be people going through a divorce or separation....search on things that interest you.

 

In my group, I have 3 married couples that are a joy to hang out with....while we all enjoy music and singing, sometimes the girls of the group just go hang out at a local vineyard and share a bottle of wine and just enjoy the company. I had a guy join up the other night and in 30 minutes, he was at our meetup...he had never sang before....come to find out that he and his wife salsa dance at the place we were at. I have people from their 20's to their 60's in my group, some married, some divorced. Heck, I even have a retired offensive lineman from the current Super bowl champs as a member. Has to be something where you are besides Vlad the Impaler....

[starting2wakeup]

I'm tired of feeling like I'm in limbo.

[debtman]

I'm tired of feeling like I'm in limbo.

 

Stay strong. Remember that this is a temporary situation you're in. It WILL get better and you WILL recover.

 

Try to do what you can to stay distracted and keep busy.

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[updown]

what debtman said. it's temporary. limbo does suck, big time! but, it's not permanent either. getting out there doesn't mean you have to do it alone or with really strange people either. maybe find something you can do with your girls on the weekends. besides just daily trips. maybe soccer or a music class or something like that. something that gets you all out and interacting with other adults ( and kids).

 

you said you're in the DC area. there have to be normal people to meet :-) take them on outings or see if there is a group of families that meet up. i've tried the meeting adults thing and for me it just did not work out. but, via my kids i find i meet more people when they're involved in something.

 

i know you've been given this advice before. but i'll say it again because it's good and it doesn't hurt to say it again. you need to stop waiting for your wife to come to you and say "let's fix this." you need to start living YOUR life. yes, she was your best friend and now you don't have that. that doesn't mean you just wait for her to come back. that means you become your own best advocate ( and your girl's best advocate) and you live YOUR life. that doesn't mean you have to move on from her permanently. or that you need to meet another female and start a relationship. that just means live your life. you're in limbo, and you don't have to be. it's scary as you know what deciding to move on. but, once you start it gets easier and you realize just how much drama you were dealing with and are leaving in your unpacked baggage. and it's ok to leave it there, check on it, but just leave it be.

 

there could come a day, after you've started living for yourself, that your wife comes around and wants to talk about being a couple with you again. and if you have worked on yourself during that time you'll be a better man if and when she does make that choice. if nothing else, show your girls that life doesn't have to stop. again, this has nothing to do with moving on FROM your wife and getting involved with other people. this just means you LIVE! you don't wait, you don't grasp at the breadcrumbs, you don't shut yourself off from other people.

 

if you don't want a divorce, then don't file for one. people can stay separated for years. don't ask her to talk about your relationship again. wait for her to come to you.

 

you can do this. i KNOW you can do this!

[starting2wakeup]

what debtman said. it's temporary. limbo does suck, big time! but, it's not permanent either. getting out there doesn't mean you have to do it alone or with really strange people either. maybe find something you can do with your girls on the weekends. besides just daily trips. maybe soccer or a music class or something like that. something that gets you all out and interacting with other adults ( and kids).

 

I do, and I'm trying to do it more. There is a "fun gym" in the area and I'm planning on taking them to that soon. It's a place where the kids play while the parents sit back and watch. I'm also looking into camps for them this summer, assuming money allows.

 

you said you're in the DC area. there have to be normal people to meet :-) take them on outings or see if there is a group of families that meet up. i've tried the meeting adults thing and for me it just did not work out. but, via my kids i find i meet more people when they're involved in something.

 

I'm actually not in the D.C. area. My W traveled there a few times for work, which is probably where you are getting that. I'm actually a nice bit south of D.C. I would agree that the meeting adults thing is strange. Very strange. I do find it easier to talk to other parents / adults when I have the girls around me.

 

I have given some thought to using facebook for actual social networking. I have looked up old friends and acquaintances in the past but never "friended" them. I thought maybe it was time to put myself out there, at least to those who have kids now. Maybe set up some play dates. Network a little, so to speak.

 

Thank you, updown and debtman for the words of encouragement.

[worldgonewrong]

what debtman said. it's temporary. limbo does suck, big time! but, it's not permanent either. getting out there doesn't mean you have to do it alone or with really strange people either. maybe find something you can do with your girls on the weekends. besides just daily trips. maybe soccer or a music class or something like that. something that gets you all out and interacting with other adults ( and kids).

 

you said you're in the DC area. there have to be normal people to meet :-) take them on outings or see if there is a group of families that meet up. i've tried the meeting adults thing and for me it just did not work out. but, via my kids i find i meet more people when they're involved in something.

 

i know you've been given this advice before. but i'll say it again because it's good and it doesn't hurt to say it again. you need to stop waiting for your wife to come to you and say "let's fix this." you need to start living YOUR life. yes, she was your best friend and now you don't have that. that doesn't mean you just wait for her to come back. that means you become your own best advocate ( and your girl's best advocate) and you live YOUR life. that doesn't mean you have to move on from her permanently. or that you need to meet another female and start a relationship. that just means live your life. you're in limbo, and you don't have to be. it's scary as you know what deciding to move on. but, once you start it gets easier and you realize just how much drama you were dealing with and are leaving in your unpacked baggage. and it's ok to leave it there, check on it, but just leave it be.

 

there could come a day, after you've started living for yourself, that your wife comes around and wants to talk about being a couple with you again. and if you have worked on yourself during that time you'll be a better man if and when she does make that choice. if nothing else, show your girls that life doesn't have to stop. again, this has nothing to do with moving on FROM your wife and getting involved with other people. this just means you LIVE! you don't wait, you don't grasp at the breadcrumbs, you don't shut yourself off from other people.

 

if you don't want a divorce, then don't file for one. people can stay separated for years. don't ask her to talk about your relationship again. wait for her to come to you.

 

you can do this. i KNOW you can do this!

 

 

GREAT advice, updown! I should have this tattooed on my forehead.

The meeting-other-women thing definitely does not apply to me yet, not by a country mile, but otherwise, I'm in total agreement.

[updown]

excellant ideas!! add those old friends. if they are close by the better. i've met up with several friends from HS and college via facebook and it's been wonderful.

 

how far south of DC? too far to drive into the city for a day trip? get out with those little girls of yours. take them into DC. to the zoo, monuments, museums. take the train if you can. make it an adventure! if you're close to VA beach, head that way this summer. this doesn't have to involve a slew of other people you know. make it about you and them even, if that feels safer. i will bet you, they make a little friend and you start talking to other adults. i know that's how it works in my world.

 

the play gym, look for free things too. county sponsored programs for families. if you're religious at all, get involved in a church. or start doing some light volunteer work.

 

it's scary. VERY VERY VERY scary! especially after that length of time with one person. it gets easier and easier. i've been on my own with my kids for a good long while now. i do not date at all. but, when i want to get out and not be alone moping, i do it. i make plans with old friends. i take little trips. when i do have the kids, we go places and do things. mostly just us. we're in the Dc area too. so, we head into the city for the zoo and the mall.

 

believe me, you can do this! the next time you have the girls for the weekend put something on your calendar. wake up that sat or sun morning and just DO IT!!! you can even surprise the girls. i do that a lot. we make adventures out of everything. they love taking the train into the city. i really do believe life is easier when we can make it about living for ourself, and trying to make our kids as happy and healthy in the process!!

 

make small goals for yourself. like friend 3 old friends on facebook this week. next week, look two people in the eye as you pass them and smile and say hi. the cherry blossoms are in bloom, head into the city to see them. just small goals you can make daily or weekly, or even monthly and check them off as you go!

 

YOU CAN DO THIS!

[updown]

hahaha!! it's entirely WAY TOO long for a tattoo, especially on the forehead

 

yeah, steer clear of the opposite sex. that's what i have found works the absolute best. with time, living becomes much much easier. it really does. and it clears your head. reading and talking to others help, but getting out there and living life, that is what really helps put things into perspective, at least for me it has.

 

the time for meeting people of the other sex will come. but, like others here say, it's a marathon not a sprint. don't make that your focus, of you will fall and hurt yourself quite badly!!

 

 

 

GREAT advice, updown! I should have this tattooed on my forehead.

The meeting-other-women thing definitely does not apply to me yet, not by a country mile, but otherwise, I'm in total agreement.

[starting2wakeup]

My W just called my cell phone at work. She was at a grocery store across the street and said that she needed my help. The store would not take her card and she had a cart full of food. She told me what her total was and asked if I could come over and pay for the food and she would pay me back the next day. I told her I did not have that much money, which is true, as I don't get paid until tomorrow and I had just yesterday given her cash - a portion of this weeks child support payment. I asked her about the money I had given her yesterday and she told me she would talk to me later.

 

WTF! I just gave you money, yesterday. Where is it? What did you spend it on? I'm sure she was embarrassed, having to walk away from a cart full of food she couldn't afford to pay for but, she should have been able to pay for it!

 

Sorry for the rant. I'm just stressed.

[debtman]

s2wu,

 

Sounds like reality may be catching up to her. My stbx was complaining to me about finances yesterday, telling me she was worried about medical bills and was wondering if I could not deduct her portion of health insurance from the child support this month, then she told me not to worry about it and not to do anything that would jeopardize my finances because she wants to do "anything she can" to help out...I gave her the full child support so I won't have to hear about it later.

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[starting2wakeup]

My W texted me kind of late last night to see if I was still awake. I was and responded as such. She asked if she could call and I said yes. We talked for about 30 minutes. During our conversation she mentioned how depressed she was. She knew it was a big issue that could get out of hand. She mentioned that she had thought about entering herself into a day program to help with her depression but as quickly as she brought it up, she talked herself out of it. She did say she was going to see a new therapist, which is something I have suggested to her for some time now. I didn't say too much during our conversation, just expressed my support for her.

[starting2wakeup]

For the last 2 years on May Day my wife has dressed up our girls like fairies and taken them to the gardens at the local community college. We would let them run around pretending to be and look for fairies while I took pictures. My wife assumed that we would do this again, as a family, this year. We haven't really spoken for a while, aside from brief pleasantries about the kids. I did however ask her (by text) the other day if we could talk before today. About what she texted back. I responded, "I'm not exactly sure why that should matter. We c each other but 4 the briefest of exchanges. I want to talk about a # of things, preferably sooner that later". She said she would try her best. So of course, we don't get to talk until she rings my door bell this morning, wanting us all to go the gardens.

 

She showed up dressed in nothing. She was in a bra and panties with a sheer bathing robe over it. The kind of thing women wear to cover themselves when going to the beach. Her cleavage was about 5 inches deep and it was all I could do to maintain eye contact.

 

I told her I wasn't going and asked if she could come over tonight to talk. She said that she felt more comfortable at her place. She didn't feel like she could not talk in what once was her home. And she was upset that I wasn't going. She wanted me to go.

 

I took her aside and explained that I didn't feel comfortable going. I did not want to give the girls a false since of hope that everything was OK and mommy and daddy are doing great. I asked her how long she thought we would be doing these family get together and she said "forever". I told her that wasn't going to happen. I told her she was trying to control the situation and it simply wasn't fair. She asked if I knew what it was like to come from a divorced family. I told her "no, but you don't get to shape ours into the one you wished you had." I also told her that I didn't want to go with her and the girls because I'm not going to pretend that I'm not loney as Hell right now. The way she was dressed was very provocative and frankly, (I didn't say this part out loud but it's the truth) unless she going to let me play with them having those boobs in my face for the next hour is going to be straight up torture. And I didn't like the idea that pictures I would be taking of her would no doubt end up on her FB, where other dudes could ogle them. So no, I'm not going.

 

I told her I wasn't going to stand there and tell her how much I loved her over and over again, as she already knows how I feel. The fact is it has now been 8 months and I'm tired. Tired of loving someone who doesn't want to spend any time with me. Tired of caring about someone who doesn't seem to care that I care. And I'm so f*ucking lonely I could scream! She said she couldn't love me the way I love her. I asked if she just loved me as a friend and she said no, it was something more.

 

I let her take the girls to the gardens and I ran 3 miles in 27 minutes. Right now, I feel fine. Not good, but I feel like I did what was best for me.

[starting2wakeup]

She called a couple of hours ago. We talked for about 45 minutes. It was a very hard conversation but I will do my best to lay out what was said.

 

She has been having "very clear" dreams for the last few weeks, telling her to let me go.

 

She says she doesn't want me to hurt anymore. I told her that what hurts me is not what has happened but the fact that she is unwilling to try and make things work. As I write this, I can't help but think, I hate her for not trying. I understand if she is scared. And I know it would not be easy nor simple, but I've tried. I'm willing to try, for me and my family.

 

She says she feels a heaviness, an oppressive discomfort when I am around her. She had no idea why. I told her that it might because she is afraid. Afraid to let go control. She knows how much I love her and that I want to take care of her. Because of her past, and other factors perhaps, she is afraid to let the one person on Earth who cares for her unconditionally in. Her body is throwing up a defense mechanism for fear she will get hurt or hurt others again.

 

I asked if she had talked to anybody about this feeling of hers. She said only her sponsor. I told her she needs to talk to a professional. I asked why hadn't she already. If she cared about saving the relationship, our family, at all, why didn't she seek help about that issue specifically? She gave no real answer. She just hasn't.

 

I had forwarded her the info about a "healing separation". She agreed that we were doing everything it entailed, save for the time together. She however saw no way of accomplishing this, with out the discomfort she gets from being around me.

 

I asked if she was happier. She said no. But she still feels she made the right decision. She said she was on a dangerous path and knew if she had stayed she would have driven her car into a lake! I told her I was still worried about her doing this, to which she replied that she was doing better in that area.

 

She said she had realized recently that she felt rushed when we got married. She was 4/5 month pregnant at the time. She said she wished we would have had the baby first. She thought that after that, after the baby was born, she felt like she still would have married me. Gee, thanks. I told her I felt rushed too. She asked by who. I told her, "by you". She was the one who wanted a baby and to get married. I loved her so I agreed. She told me she was determined to have a baby no matter what. I'm paraphrasing this next part but in short she said that she was going to have a baby be it mine or someone else's, no matter what. Her comments hurt, but I could tell they were honest.

 

I'm having a very hard time right now. The rollercoaster was smooth there for a bit, but today it suddenly bucked and hit me in the nuts. I can't say I'm surprised by the conversation, nor unprepared, but it hurt nonetheless.

[debtman]

Tough situation man...

 

I'm feeling some of the same sort of stuff since I'm pretty sure my stbx is no longer seeing OM and is probably feeling somewhat lost since she had put "all her eggs" in his basket.

 

She keeps inviting me to do things with her and the kids. She wants me to go with her for a few days to see her family in another state so I can "help with the kids while flying."

 

It's tough. I want to do things with the kids. I like spending time with her family...but, like you said, it just sends the wrong message to the kids.

 

Unlike you, I have NO desire to get back together with her because I know she will never change the CORE of who she is. So, getting back together with her would just end up with the same result down the road.

 

She's not a happy person, she's not happy with herself and will never "find" happiness with someone else. So, for the sake of my own sanity and for our kids, I NEED to stay apart from her. And, the easiest way to do that is to stick to 180 and NC/LC. As much as I want to think we can just hang out and be "friends." She's not my friend. A friend wouldn't treat me the way she has.

 

You can't make her want to try. You can't change how she feels about you. You made the right decision by not going with her and letting her torture you for hours. I know how hard it is to miss out on those times with your kids. Almost unbearable...when that happens to me, I just remind myself that SHE is the one doing that to me and she's NOT a friend...just a co-parent.

 

Stay strong, focus on yourself, stick to the 180.

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[starting2wakeup]

I may have f*cked up just now but oh well, I'm tired of this sh*t. I had to call my W today because our oldest daughters school had called me about her not feeling well. She said she would take care of it and may have to pick her up early to go to the doctor. She said she would text me later when she was close by to my office so she could pick up a child support check. I asked her to come pick it up before she picked up our daughter as I didn't want her to see me angry. She asked why I was angry and I told her she didn't want to know. She said she did, so I told her.

 

I'm angry because it's been 8 months and you, by your admission have not done or seen anybody about these feeling you say you are having that are keeping you away from me and working on us.

 

She got pissed and said she was trying to work on other things first and that she was tired of not being good enough for everybody. I told her I was not in any way trying diminish the progress she has made on herself or other issues. She asked why I was mad and I told her the truth.

 

She said that believed that some of the things I told her yesterday were true. About the feelings she has and her unwillingness to let down her defenses around me. She also said she thinks the feeling she has around me have to do with her past.

 

I'm thrilled that she is finally acknowledging this but what is she doing about it!? I'm tired. I'm lonely and I'm scared.