What's best for me/her?

[starting2wakeup]

At this point I don't think I have many options other than the Last Resort 180. And when I say options, I'm talking about my own mental well being.

[worldgonewrong]

At this point I don't think I have many options other than the Last Resort 180. And when I say options, I'm talking about my own mental well being.

 

Yup. You gotta do it. Otherwise you just mentally drown in the alternative.

[trippi1432]

You didn't mess up, you told her where you stand on the issues she won't address.

 

On the not feeling good enough, this is common in survivors of sexual abuse. It stems from mistaken beliefs, developed in childhood, of guilt and an innate sense of badness or feeling defective.

 

This may help you to recognize some of the symptoms....http://www.prscounseling.org/sexualabuse.html.

 

Her not feeling good enough does not have to do with you, it has to do with her. There are situations that can trigger that in a person with her background, but u did the right thing letting her know why you are angry. Last resort 180 for you so you can regain your sense of self.

[starting2wakeup]

Yesterday I sent my W an email. The point of the email was to tell her how I feel about her mental and physical state. I tired to be very caring but to the point. In short, I told her that she needed to get help. Here is a portion of what I wrote.

 

"You need help (W's name). By your own admission you have only talked about certain things to certain people, such as your sponsor, who is not a professional. I know that you feel overwhelmed and are dealing with a number of physical issues, but I fear that you are neglecting or at least continually postponing addressing the problem which is effecting every aspect of your life.

 

To be honest (W's name), at the rate you are going, I worry that you are not long for this Earth. Your health situation has gotten much worse since you left. You have admitted to thinking about taking your own life, of driving your car into a lake, and wondering if the girls would be better off without you. This is not healthy.

 

The EMDR therapy opened a box that had been closed for a very long time. Bit's and pieces snuck out of the box from time to time, effecting your judgment, but it wasn't until the EMDR therapy kicked open the door that your mind and body were able to absorb everything that has happened to you. Your past has been and is now effecting every decision that you consciously and subconsciously are making. It needs to be addressed in a professional manner.

 

I will help you in any way I can. You have mentioned in the past about entering a day program. As quickly as you mentioned it you seemed to talk yourself out of it, but this could be a great idea. You need to address the core of your past as it is effecting every other aspect of your life. If there is a day program that might be able to help, I will work with you."

 

In the email I included the name of a professional who I think could really help her, as he has experience (and success) in dealing with individuals with her background, adults who were sexually abused as children.

 

I saw my W today for about 10 minutes - I will see here again after work to pick up the girls - and she did not mention my email. Neither did I. I was there to talk about something else. Something I will address in another post.

 

I know I've been putting this off for some time, telling her that she needs help in such a way. I wish I could have done it person, but I don't think she would have heard me. This way, as she reads, it will hopefully sink in.

[starting2wakeup]

My oldest daughter has asperger's syndrome, which is a high function form of autism. She has trouble in certain social situations and as of late, school has become a very big issue. After taking her to the doctor it was suggested that we pull her out of school for the rest of the year, which is ending in a few weeks. The doc said she could call the school and have our daughter removed due to medical reasons so that it would not count against her and she would be able to move on to the 2nd grade next year without any issues. The doctor also recommended that we home school her.

 

My W said that she could do this. That she would be able to home school her. I didn't say anything to her, but I knew that this was simply not an option. My W can barely take care of herself. There was no way I was going to let her home school. She is simply not capable, emotionally or physically. I told her to let me think about it. In the mean time, our daughter has continued to go to school. We just address each day as it comes. Some are great, some our tough.

 

Today I had a 10 am meeting in town, close to my W's place. I texted her before hand to tell her as such. I told her that my meeting should last about an hour and that after that I was going to stop by so we could hash out the schooling situation. She texted back to call her first as the landscaper was coming by and she had to show him around. I did not text back.

 

After my meeting I drove to her place, calling when I was just a block away. She said she had to get dressed because the landscaper was to show up at any moment and could we talk about it when I pick up the kids later. I told her I was right around the corner and she begrudgingly hung up on me. I wasn't mean to her, but I did what I did because the issue needed to be discussed and I wanted it addressed on my time for a change. I didn't want to talk about it front of our daughter and if she needs to show the landscaper around, fine, I'll wait.

 

She answered the door and we both stepped outside to talk. I told her that home schooling was not an option. I didn't tell her why I thought that and she did not ask. Based on her not asking, I feel like she had at this point read my email. I told her we had two options as I saw it. There is a private school that we both like. It cost about 6K. I do not have that. I have already committed to paying over 300 a month on our youngest pre-k class. I told her that my parents were willing to help with 3K of the bill and suggested that her father (who is a doctor) help with the other 3K. My W and her father do not talk. I knew that this would be an issue. That is why I wanted to talk to her, face to face. Either we see if her father can help us out (which is no guarantee) or next year our daughter will go to the elementary school that is close to me. I did not give her the option of any other school, and did not mention the elementary school that was close to her. Neither did she.

 

She said she would have to think about. At this point the landscaper showed up and I excused myself. She asked if that was it, was that all I wanted to talk about? I told her no, but you have something else to do right now, as do I. As I left she looked very distraught. I told her everything was going to be OK as I got into my car and I drove off.

[debtman]

Tough situation. The WORST thing about all of this is the way it affects the kids, who already have enough to deal with in their own lives. It kills me every time I see them being affected by the poor decisions my stbx and I have made, BUT, I take solace in the fact that I can focus more of my time and energy completely on them when I am with them.

 

You did the right thing and dealt with the situation in the best way. You didn't make it about her, but you expressed your concerns and presented options in a rational way. Nice job...

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[starting2wakeup]

I've spent the last few weeks trying to figure myself out. You could call it 180 I guess, but I'm not sticking to any strict structure. Have had the urge to tell my W I love her? Yes. Have I? No. I've kept my contact with her to a minimum and when we do talk it is 90% about the girls.

 

A LS poster much wiser than I has suggested that I change my FB profile to single and go on a few dates. I have not done this, but I have given some serious thought to it. I've looked at a few of the free online dating services in my area, just to see what they look like, and I have more or less opened myself up to the possibility of dating. In doing so I have noticed some changes.

 

I've mentioned before a girl I work with, she who made a very blatant and suggestive comments about her bosom. Well, she has really upped her flirting with me, going so far as to feel on my chest and pat me on the butt. I won't lie and say that I don't like the attention but she's not really what I'm looking for. Other women have also appeared to take notice to whatever it is I'm putting out. Which is nice. It's a good feeling to know that you can still attract a member of the opposite sex.

 

Do I want to date? I don't know? I know I'm lonely. I know I'd like to get out of the house. And this is more or less what was suggested to me. So I've been putting a lot of thought into it but I haven't taken any real steps yet. I will say that when and if I do, I think I will feel better about it, having not rushed into such a decision. That said...

 

Over the last week there has been a noticeable change in my W's behavior. At least around me. She is going out of her way to touch me. Simple things, like reaching out to hold my arm. She is also trying to make eye contact. She gives me these longing, loving looks, to which I respond with a smile, and then I keep moving. She has told me she loved me (I told her I loved her back, and I won't lie, it felt good) and that she misses me. I'm not reading into any of it, but I am making note of it.

 

She wants to talk. About what, I'm not sure. She has said and done things that make me think we will never get back together and then she turns around and does something that makes me thinks she wants to give it another go. The one thing I'm sure of, me stressing over which is which is not going to get me anywhere.

 

Tomorrow is our oldest daughters birthday party. My W came over today to pick up her (our daughters) baby books. She wanted to scan all of the pictures. We all sat down and looked through them. It was nice. Not weird at all. It was what it was. I didn't try to read into anything either of us was doing. It did make me feel old. My baby girl is going to be 7.

 

It looks like we may get together to talk next week but I'm not going to think about why she wants to talk or what about right now. All I'm thinking about right now is giving my daughter a great day tomorrow.

[starting2wakeup]

W wants to keep our girls over the summer while I am at work. She says she would like to spend more time with them and would rather they stay with her than some other woman. I assume she is referring to a baby sitter. I'm not keen on this idea, and she knows it. Just now she called me at work and asked if I was going to take the girls away from her this summer. I asked what did she mean by this and she said she was afraid I wasn't going to let her watch them on my weeks, while I am at work. I told her that I was worried that she was not capable of watching them, after all, she has not gone one solid week with them in 8 plus months. I also explained that there are other factors involved and that I was still thinking about it.

 

She still has not grasped the concept that when it is my week, its MY week. She has zero say in where our girls stay and who with. I wish it wasn't this way, but it is. And it's this way because of her actions. I hate that when my girls are with her that could be interacting with people I don't know or may not like, but there is nothing I can do about it. As long as they are not in danger, there is nothing I can do. She doesn't understand this, at all.

 

I want to keep working on me and I can't do that when I am parenting a grown adult. I love her. I care for her deeply. BUT, if she is not going to get the help she needs, and be honest about her situation then I need to move on. And I can't picture doing that and having to see her everyday to drop off my kids and then again hours later to pick them back up. The situation as a whole just does not feel healthy to me.

 

I can't help but wonder, why is she so worried about me thinking that she is not capable of watching the girls. I think it is because she knows she is not. She can't admit it to herself, but she knows I see it.

[updown]

i just wanted to say that i think you're right. she probably does realize she has issues caring for her kids. but, she probably has a load of guilt following her around too. she left her family, her CHILDREN!! selfish people can still carry guilt.

 

do you two have a visitation agreement? or at least a set schedule? i know i would not be ok letting my kids go with her if she has not once had them for a full week. i mean, maybe a week of vacation, but not weeks at a time for an undetermined amount of time. i would suggest maybe she start with 3 night weekends? and maybe two afternoons, for dinner, a week and then go from there. but, i think you're making the right choice.

 

she has issues she needs to fix. but her kids are NOT going to fix those issues inside her. SHE needs to. and she is there to meet THEIR needs, not the other way around!!

 

good luck! i'm rooting and praying for you!!! keep us posted!

[starting2wakeup]

OK, so fairly major update. After talking to W about the girls and where they are going to stay over summer vacation, my W texted me asking to talk right away. I couldn't help but notice the parallels to her behavior and that of my own 7 / 8 months ago. That feeling of, "I want to talk and I want to talk right now." I wrote her back and told her I had stuff to do (lunch, some choirs) but after I was done I would swing by.

 

I did and right away she wanted to know if I was going to take the girls away from her. I asked why she thought this and she said it was because of the way I had been talking. I explained how I felt and she replied that it wasn't her fault that she had such a rough year medically.

 

In a round about way she then started to tell me about how she was thinking about me more and that I was basically on her mind. She still thought that we needed to get a divorce but that after that if we dated it wouldn't be bad and... I cut to the chase. I asked her if she wanted me back. She said she couldn't answer that question yet. I told her that I noticed how her actions had changed in the last few weeks and she acknowledged it. She said every time she had reached out to touch my hand or face it was because she wanted to.

 

She then asked if I was moving. I told her no. She asked if I was getting a new job. I told her no but that I've had it with my current job and had been thinking about a change. Then she asked if I was dating. I said no, but I was opening myself up to the idea, but as a way of getting out of the house and meeting new people. She said she didn't like the idea of me out with another woman.

 

I then explained how I felt about our girls and the summer. I told her that since she didn't want to work on us that I needed some space in order to heal. I also re-explained that moving forward our relationship was not going to be as she saw it, us all still getting together to do things as a family. Those events would become few and far between.

 

I asked if she wanted to know how I would answer the question I asked her, about her wanting me back. So she asked me, did I want her back. I told her yes, but only if she got help. There would be no point otherwise. I told her that even if she didn't want to be with me that I hoped she would get help. I asked her about the email I sent her sometime back and she said she had yet to call the doctor I had recommended.

 

We talked for awhile and eventually I had to go. When leaving I could tell she was very emotional. She said she needed to lay down and was worried because she was suppose to pick up the girls from school in an hour. I told her I would and for her to lay down. She fought with me about that, but not very hard. She missed her girls and wanted nothing more than to see them. I again tried to cut to the heart of the matter. I said something to the effect of "I get it. You want to prove to me and to everyone else that you can do this all by yourself. You want to show what you can do without giving in to anyone. You don't have to prove anything to me. You need to rest. You want to see the girls today and I will make sure that happens but right now you need to take care of yourself." She agreed to rest and let me pick up the girls. Before I left I felt compelled to ask again. "Do you want me back". Sobbing, she shook her head yes. We hugged and I left to go back to work.

 

It's strange, or maybe it's not, but I didn't feel any sense of hope as I drove back to work. I still don't. The facts still remain the same. We don't have a shot in Hell of getting back together until she seriously starts to address her issues. Even then, things may be too far gone. That said, I love her and care for her deeply. I want her to get better, for her, and for our girls.

 

I picked up the girls from her place after work. Before leaving I asked if we could get together Friday night. We still need to talk. About the summer. About a lot of things. If anything I feel like I finally have her ear and that this may be my shot at explaining to her how I see things, about her health and mental well being.

 

updown, to answer your question, per our separation agreement she is to have them one week and then I the next. We alternate back and forth. Since the separation, really even before that, she has yet to go a week where I didn't have to watch the girls overnight during her week for one reason or another. Usually her health. I do give her credit in that she at least is able to acknowledge when her health is so poor that the girls need to stay with me. At least so far.

[trippi1432]

I asked if she wanted to know how I would answer the question I asked her, about her wanting me back. So she asked me, did I want her back. I told her yes, but only if she got help. There would be no point otherwise. I told her that even if she didn't want to be with me that I hoped she would get help. I asked her about the email I sent her sometime back and she said she had yet to call the doctor I had recommended.

 

We talked for awhile and eventually I had to go. When leaving I could tell she was very emotional. She said she needed to lay down and was worried because she was suppose to pick up the girls from school in an hour. I told her I would and for her to lay down. She fought with me about that, but not very hard. She missed her girls and wanted nothing more than to see them. I again tried to cut to the heart of the matter.I said something to the effect of "I get it. You want to prove to me and to everyone else that you can do this all by yourself. You want to show what you can do without giving in to anyone. You don't have to prove anything to me. You need to rest. You want to see the girls today and I will make sure that happens but right now you need to take care of yourself." She agreed to rest and let me pick up the girls. Before I left I felt compelled to ask again. "Do you want me back". Sobbing, she shook her head yes. We hugged and I left to go back to work.

 

It's strange, or maybe it's not, but I didn't feel any sense of hope as I drove back to work. I still don't. The facts still remain the same. We don't have a shot in Hell of getting back together until she seriously starts to address her issues. Even then, things may be too far gone. That said, I love her and care for her deeply. I want her to get better, for her, and for our girls.

 

Very good!!

[starting2wakeup]

Our youngest is now on spring break so I dropped her off with my W this morning so that I could go to work. I confirmed that we were still on for tonight. She said yes but that she didn't get much sleep last night and wouldn't be able to talk late. That's fine by me. I'm not looking for a lengthy conversation. After all, we've been here before.

 

So what I do I want to talk about? I want to get straight to the point. She has hinted and in a round about way expressed that she wants me back. I told her that I was open to this IF she sought treatment. I want to make sure that this point is clear with her. And I want movement. I have been standing still for months. In terms of me and her, we have remained stagnate. I either want to be moving forward or back. I've made great personal strides and want to continue in this path. It is however frustrating as Hell when it feels like you are hitting a road block every other week due to one issue. And that issue is our relationship. Our dynamic.

 

So what would I consider moving forward? First, she has admitted that her past has and is effecting her mentally, and I believe physically. This needs to be addressed. If she doesn't seek help to heal from her past then I do not see any hope for us. If we were to get back together I have no doubt that the same issues would present themselves again. Second, we need to see if we are still compatible. By which I mean, do we still even want to be with each other. Both of us have changed quite a bit in the last year. I think that we should enter into a healing separation type of set up. One in which we are working on our own personal progress but still making time in which we can do activities together, as a couple, not just as a family.

 

OK, so now what would I consider moving back? Strict LC. And an acknowledgement that LC is what I want. If she doesn't want to seek help and work on us then she needs to know exactly how I feel about future contact. When it comes to the girls, I want to be on as close to the same page as possible but otherwise, don't call, don't text, don't email. Life is short and I'm tired of standing motionless. If moving on presents itself as being the healthiest option for me, then so be it. I am ready. This will mean that future family activities will be limited to school events and birthdays. I know that such a situation would be very hard for my W to understand and come to terms with but, it's what I feel would be best for me and the girls.

 

Forward or back, that's the jist of what I want to talk about with her tonight. I don't see the conversation taking that long. The only thing I think may happen, that I can see happening, is her asking for time to think about what she wants to do. Forward or back. I'm not sure how much time I should give her. If any at all. She's already had 8 months. She may not ask at all, she may have already made up her mind, but I doubt it. I don't know? I'm still thinking about that one.

[starting2wakeup]

This past Monday my W took the day to decide how she would like our relationship to progress. She cleared her schedule and finally faced the questions she admittedly had been avoiding. My position was clear. I wanted to try a healing separation. We would continue to work on our own personal progress, but would also make time to spend with one another. I made sure she understood that anything physical was off the table for now, as I knew this was an issue for her, and I was very clear that she needed to seek help for her mental and physical issues.

 

Yesterday she called me and told me her decision. In short, her answer was no. She did not think she was capable of trying to see what could still be there between us. She said there was a pressure that surrounded her, smothering her when ever I was near. It wasn't there when we were out in public as a family or when the girls were around, but when we were alone, it hurt her. She said that she loves me and that she always will. Even if I were to find company with another, her feelings for me would not change. We have a connection and a history that will bind us forever. That said, she can not be with me, she did not want to hurt me anymore. The irony of such a statement is too rich for words.

 

She stressed her desire to be a better mother and acknowledged that she had left quite a burden on me to raise the girls on my own. I told her it was not a burden, they are my children. It was however nice to hear her finally acknowledge the sole effort I have been putting in to make sure that our girls are taken care of and happy.

 

She also said that she had reached out to her sister in hopes of getting the contact info of a councilor that specializes in helping one deal with past relationships. She however wasn't sure that she would ever hear a response. Her sister had un-friended her on FB, and had not responded to a friend request that was sent weeks ago. She also talked again about committing herself to a day program but stressed that it would have to be the right one.

 

The gravity of her decision hit her hours after talking to me. She texted me later in the day saying how horrible this all was and how she did not want this for us. I texted back that I loved her. "Together or apart, I love you. You have chosen apart, and while I wish this were not the case, I love you enough to respect your decision". Moments after sending that text she called me to tell me something about our oldest daughter. I reminded her that she had already talked to me about the issue earlier in the day and she apologized for repeating herself. I could tell she was very emotional. I told her not to worry about it.

 

 

I hate not having enough information. I hate not knowing where I stand. I fully accept the fact that something's are simply out of my control, but that doesn't mean I like. For the last 9 months not knowing where the relationship between my W and I stood was Hell. She would show me signs of love and compassion one day, and signs of disinterest the next. It was torture. For both of us. Now she has given me an answer. One that I know was hard for her to come to, but I feel she is speaking from a place of truth. That said, I have found it tremendously helpful to define our situation. For the longest time I had no idea where we stood. Now I feel that I do.

 

We are a tragedy. A romantic tragedy. I love her and she love me. However by her own admission she feels pain when she is around me. A pressure. A discomfort. I have no doubt what she is feeling is in her mind, as does she, but regardless of its origin, she feels pain when she is alone with me. I do not want to inflict pain on her. I do not want her to suffer. So I must step away. One day this pain may go away... or it might not. All I know is I care enough for her to keep my distance so as not to cause the woman I love undue distress.

 

So what am I going to do now? Damn good question. I'm going to take the next few days to let out whatever needs to get out. I'm sure it will hit me hard at some point and tears will flow. I'm sure I will get angry and scared and will listen to nothing but Portishead for the rest of the week. But after that, I'm going to pack up every single item of hers that is still at my place, I'm going to box it all up and I'm going to deliver it to her. I'm going to ask that she give me any keys she may still have to my house and then I'm going to leave her alone.

 

I'm going to focus on myself with a renewed vigor. I'm going to continue to take care of my daughters. I'm going to continue to attempt to put myself out there, to see what life has to offer. I'm not going to close the door on my W. I'm going to leave it open, where it stands. If she decides to get the help she needs and walk through it one day, I'll be there. But I'm not going to wait on her. I can't. Life is too short.

 

I'm sure our dealings in the future will be awkward and at time confrontational but I will find a way to get through it. For example, she wanted to watch the girls during the day while I am at work. I was not comfortable with this. For one, I don't think she is honestly up for it, mentally and physically. Second, I need someone I can rely on, so that I'm not having to leave work in the middle of the day to take care of the kids. And third, because I do not think it would be good to see each other everyday. So I went out and hired a babysitter for the weeks that I have the girls and have to work. I will barely be able to afford her, but at least I will have the peace of mind that my daughters are being watched over by someone I trust and who is reliable enough so that I can work the hours needed to pay her and the rest of my bills. As long as I can keep my emotions in check and think of the situation logically, I will be fine.

 

I love my wife. I would love to spend the rest of my life with her and she knows this. But I can not. As tragic as it is, I can not. Not without causing her pain, which is the last thing on Earth that I want to do. I could wait for her, hoping and praying that she will one day wake up and seek the help she needs, but that would only hurt me.

 

So to address the title of my thread, what's best for me and what's best for her, turns out it's the same thing, for us to be apart.

[updown]

i'm sorry to hear she chose to be alone, and not work at fixing things with you.

 

your plan is probably the best plan/ course of action. it will be hard, but with time it will get easier. the baby sitter is a good idea too.

 

i wish you the best of luck as you move forward. you are in my prayers!

[starting2wakeup]

i wish you the best of luck as you move forward. you are in my prayers!

 

Thank you updown, that means a lot!

[debtman]

You've made the right decision and are dealing with this with incredible clarity. There's nothing you can do to influence her or help her at this point. All you can do is focus on yourself and your kids.

 

She's missing out and will regret this decision...especially if you end up finding someone stable, loving and perfect for you...which you will. I've been amazed at the opportunities and situations that have come up.

 

Nothing worse than two people in love and one of them just decides that things "can't" work.

 

I had the most incredible 4-days of whitewater kayaking, camping and rock climbing last weekend and there was no one angry that I went, annoyed that I was spending time doing something I loved or judging me for doing something "dangerous."

 

It was much needed and really helped put things into perspective. You can do ANYTHING and the world is nothing but possibilities at this point.

 

Good luck and keep posting.

[starting2wakeup]

My W and our oldest had lunch together today, just the two of them. When I went to pick her up from her place I was informed that our relationship, our pending divorce was brought up. My daughter had asked her if mom and dad were still married. My W told her that we going to separate but that it did not mean that we didn't love each other, or her. Naturally this really upset my daughter.

 

Adding more emotions to my W's day was the fact that when I arrived to pick up my daughter, I came with 2 bags and a box full of her stuff. My W cried as I brought them in and placed them just inside her front door.

 

When I got home I asked my daughter what was said. It sounded like my W made the idea of our relationship ending as a joint decision. It may not have been a wise move on my part, but I do not lie to my children. I told her that her mommy did not want to be married to me anymore. That I loved her and it hurt but that no matter what happens, I will always be her daddy, and her mommy would always be her mommy. I told her that we both loved her and that this would be hard but I would always be honest with her. I did not go into any details. We both cried. The rest of the evening was filled with games and fun. I can tell my daughter is confused, but she is also very smart. Obviously she has noticed for sometime what has been going on.

 

After talking with my daughter I texted my W to tell her how upset she was. She texted back that she would call later to talk. I responded that I was not up for talking tonight. She called anyway, a few hours later, crying. She said she was sorry and that she just wanted me to know that she loved me. I told her there was nothing to be sorry about. Our daughter brought up a very tough question and she answered it. I told her I had to get off the phone as I had a headache that had progressively gotten worse over the course of the day. Thankfully, as I type this, my head is feeling a little bit better.

[starting2wakeup]

Had lunch with W today. We were to have dinner but she called and we changed it to lunch. It did not go well. We have had a weird back and forth recently, more back than forth the last couple of days. At the beginning of lunch she told me that the hormones she is on did not allow her to wear panties (!) as they made her too "wet". This took me back right away. We talked some about her and how her boss's son was moving into to town and how she was to help him find a place to stay and how he didn't have a car and blah, blah, blah, her life sucked, blah blah.

 

She did point out in the conversation her problem with authority figures. I asked her if she saw me as such and she said yes.

 

I eventually got to talk about the issues I was having. Stress at work. My desire to move soon. Feeling lonely and missing my best friend. Having other women hit on me (she did not like that) but not being too interested at this point. In short I'm a ball of stress.

 

After lunch I walked her back to her car and told her how her earlier "wet" comment had thrown me off. We have not been intimate in over a year. She said that was something we could discuss after the divorce was in place. That struck me as weird. Like she wants to jump my bones the minute I'm no longer her husband.

 

I called her out on her behavior of late. I step away and leave her alone, she contacts me more and tells me she loves me. I then step forward a little and she steps back 5 steps. It is confusing and only adds to my stress.

 

She then asked point blank if I was going to file for full custody. I had told her that I did plan on moving soon and was going to take the girls with me. As far as custody, I told her I wanted to do what was best for the girls. She got pretty upset. I reminded her of how she has been unable in 9 months to keep the girls for a single straight week. She didn't say anything back. She was upset at this point so I left.

 

My problem. I go 180 and she steps closer, I then take a tiny step in and she takes 5 backwards. I just need to go 180 and be done with it. I know she has feelings for me but, she is unable to provide the kind of love and respect I need. I feel like sh*t right now.

[updown]

your wife has issues. her comment, in my opinion, was purely for 'affect'! she wanted to see what your reaction would be. there is no reason for her to say things like that now. other than to see what you would do or say. and i wouldn't say she wants to jump your bones as soon as the divorce is in place. she probably does want to have sex at this point. but, if you're in a state where you can't have sex for a year before you can get divorced then that's probably why she's saying afterwards. otherwise, you have to start that year allllll over!

 

there are people that still have sex after they are divorced. there are people that end up getting remarried after they divorce too. so, who knows. but sure that it's something you could deal with though. sex for sex sake is fine as long as both parties know that's all it is. once emotions get factored in, it's an entirely different story! she is very detached from you. but, you're not nearly as detached as she is. it could be much harder on you.

 

i do think a lot of her comments were based on trying to gauge where you are in getting over her. not to mention your telling her you're getting hit on, but you're not interested. next time, tell her you have to beat them off there are so many women that want you ;-) see what she does then!

 

praying for you!!

[starting2wakeup]

your wife has issues. her comment, in my opinion, was purely for 'affect'! she wanted to see what your reaction would be. there is no reason for her to say things like that now. other than to see what you would do or say.

 

I agree with you 100%. I see it. I'm no dummy. I am however no dummy who hasn't had sex in way too long and given the giant amount of stress on my shoulders, would love the chance to, relieve some stress. I did tell her more about a co-worker who keeps hitting on me on a daily basis and that made her start to tear up. She hates the idea of me with another woman. She has said so.

 

next time, tell her you have to beat them off there are so many women that want you ;-) see what she does then!

 

A few hours after we talked she texted me "Who is "name of woman"? The woman she was referring to is a friend on FB who had made a comment on a picture I had posted of the fathers day gift my daughters had gotten me. I waited about twenty minutes and responded, "A friend" No sooner had I hit the send button she called me to ask again who she was. The woman in question is quite attractive and my type. She is however not single, but my W doesn't know this.

 

praying for you!!

 

THANK YOU! I need it!

[tojaz]

Had lunch with W today. We were to have dinner but she called and we changed it to lunch. It did not go well. We have had a weird back and forth recently, more back than forth the last couple of days. At the beginning of lunch she told me that the hormones she is on did not allow her to wear panties (!) as they made her too "wet". This took me back right away. We talked some about her and how her boss's son was moving into to town and how she was to help him find a place to stay and how he didn't have a car and blah, blah, blah, her life sucked, blah blah.

 

She did point out in the conversation her problem with authority figures. I asked her if she saw me as such and she said yes.

 

I eventually got to talk about the issues I was having. Stress at work. My desire to move soon. Feeling lonely and missing my best friend. Having other women hit on me (she did not like that) but not being too interested at this point. In short I'm a ball of stress.

 

After lunch I walked her back to her car and told her how her earlier "wet" comment had thrown me off. We have not been intimate in over a year. She said that was something we could discuss after the divorce was in place. That struck me as weird. Like she wants to jump my bones the minute I'm no longer her husband.

 

I called her out on her behavior of late. I step away and leave her alone, she contacts me more and tells me she loves me. I then step forward a little and she steps back 5 steps. It is confusing and only adds to my stress.

 

She then asked point blank if I was going to file for full custody. I had told her that I did plan on moving soon and was going to take the girls with me. As far as custody, I told her I wanted to do what was best for the girls. She got pretty upset. I reminded her of how she has been unable in 9 months to keep the girls for a single straight week. She didn't say anything back. She was upset at this point so I left.

 

My problem. I go 180 and she steps closer, I then take a tiny step in and she takes 5 backwards. I just need to go 180 and be done with it. I know she has feelings for me but, she is unable to provide the kind of love and respect I need. I feel like sh*t right now.

 

S2W I think I mentioned here before that your wife seems to have more of an issue with "Marriage" then she does with you. Thats a mess all the way around, but you cant clean it up for her (you already knew that)

 

Best thing is to completely ignore her comments, they are there to draw you back in, but on her terms. Doesn't sound like your in to that, so I would just cut her off and tell her that conversation is inappropriate for you and your exwife.

 

It sets a boundry and will help you keep your sanity.

 

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

J - 180 is NOT about playing mind games that you are going to screw some troll..it just gives her permission to go out and screw someone too which tears you up inside..so stop playing games. Read the book I advised you on today and learn to implement boundaries...you will learn to respect yourself and gain confidence...she will learn to respect them and herself. If you cannot implement boundaries, then you do not need to be with her or her with you.

 

Tit for tat rarely works.

[updown]

if you two are getting a divorce, i say cut the small talk with her. no more back and forth. no more "chit chat". if it doesn't directly involved the kids, you DO NOT answer. end of story. if she is that jealous, she needs to be fully invested. if she has issues with marriage then she doesn't get to know the personal stuff that goes on in your life. the only thing she gets to know is stuff regarding her kids.

 

no more lunch dates, no more dinner dates. no more answering questions if they don't involve the kids, PERIOD!

 

there definitely are some huge boundary issues. what the game she is playing, i haven't a clue! i am a woman and i would NEVER do that to someone that i knew loved me. play with them like that. it's just cruel and juvenile!

 

since she knows you're still into her, physically, and have been without for so long even MORE cruel of her to do what she is doing. it's high school girly on so many levels! she is not thinking about you at all, she is not caring about your feelings either. she says she loves you, but honestly, someone who loved someone else would not attempt to torture them like that!!

[starting2wakeup]

J - 180 is NOT about playing mind games that you are going to screw some troll..it just gives her permission to go out and screw someone too which tears you up inside..so stop playing games. Read the book I advised you on today and learn to implement boundaries...you will learn to respect yourself and gain confidence...she will learn to respect them and herself. If you cannot implement boundaries, then you do not need to be with her or her with you.

 

Tit for tat rarely works.

 

If I'm playing mind games I am really not aware of it. Or at least that is in no way my intent. My problem, and I'm trying to be honest with myself here, is that I still think I am talking to my best friend. I want to tell her ALL the problems I am having, because I want her advise. I want her to console me and help me figure out a way past/thru the stress.

 

You can't be divorced and be best friends. I understand that now.

[trippi1432]

If I'm playing mind games I am really not aware of it. Or at least that is in no way my intent. My problem, and I'm trying to be honest with myself here, is that I still think I am talking to my best friend. I want to tell her ALL the problems I am having, because I want her advise. I want her to console me and help me figure out a way past/thru the stress.

 

You can't be divorced and be best friends. I understand that now.

 

J - She can't advise or console and she won't when you are telling her about another woman nor will she at this point. That won't win her back..it will only serve to push her away...the same as she does to you when she tells you her stuff, and those things that she tells you is what keeps you coming back. This is the part of the 180 that everyone gets wrong....it's not about creating jealousy...eventually jealousy breeds animosity on both parties.

 

If you are the better parent and more capable of taking care of the kids, then set the boundaries she needs to understand. You don't have to hold it over her head....you can show her with your actions on being the best father you can to your kids. Let her participate where she can as their mother, but it is not your responsibility to make her be the person you wish she was.

 

I agree with Updown...go as LC as you can right now, get your head straight for your kids, your job and for you. What she does is not your concern, you know now "why" she does it...but you cannot control what she does. You have tried to your best of your ability, but if she is not able to meet you halfway...you have done all you can.