What's best for me/her?

[debtman]

Some good advice here s2wu. The 180 is about you focusing on YOU because that's what you need to do. It has nothing to do with anyone else. YOU are responsible for your own happiness. The sooner you convince yourself of that, the sooner you can start healing. And, seeing that, will make her see that you don't NEED her to be happy...which you don't.

 

Going LC is difficult, especially with kids. I've made a point to listen to what my W says when we do the kid exchange and then NOT reply in a way that gives out info or leads to a "discussion" which isn't always easy to do. It's important to be polite ("Good for you," or "Sounds like a good plan") without inserting your opinion. Become the king of letting things go when it comes to her, she is no longer your responsibility.

 

My W called last night because there was a discrepancy with the schedule (because we had switched out a weekend so she could do a last minute trip she had planned) and she ended up yelling at me for 5 minutes (while the kids were yelling behind her) about doing whatever I wanted, not keeping track of things, etc. and interrupting whenever I tried to explain where the problem came up. I calmly said that I was glad to do whatever needed to be done so that both of us could have the weekends we wanted and that I only had one trip that I couldn't change. She hung up angry and I was FUMING (which she never "heard") and I immediately figured out where the problem had come up, found the emails I had sent her and felt better about being right...

 

She called back 5 minutes later apologizing, telling me how much she's learned about men by reading these books and how she knows I would never intentionally do anything to cause problems...I didn't bother telling her that I had figured everything out because it would have just upset her, I just used that info to re-assure myself that I hadn't done anything wrong...

 

Just goes to show that she still can't communicate, still has anger issues, still can't admit when she's wrong, still doesn't recognize when people do things to help, still doesn't appreciate others going out of their way for her and still doesn't think about the kids when she gets caught up in the moment...I'm better off...and, it's only a matter of time before the kids realize the difference in parenting.

 

Trippi is exactly right on the parenting. If you continue being the better parent, building the bond with your kids, letting them see how good parenting can be, then your W will see that and the kids will tell her about it. My kids have already told my W several times how I do things with them that works better than the way she does things with them...not sure if it's changed anything for them, but at least everyone is aware of how much better it is to discuss things than to just yell about everything....

 

Good luck and keep posting....

[starting2wakeup]

Thank you to all for your words and advise.

 

In regards to 180, I am well aware that its goal is to help you get a better hold on yourself. I have not, nor do I plan on using it or any other tactic to manipulate her or our situation. That said, I have no doubt that some of the things I said I did so unconsciously hoping that it would create some sort of reaction. And that was stupid. It was not what I set out to do, but I take responsibility for it.

 

Trippi, you are right, she has not met me halfway. And I don't know what else I can do.

 

She posted something on FB on fathers day - "I would like to say Happy Father's Day, but then I would be hung up on and probably arrested. There are some very good fathers out there,including the one and only "my name". At least I know my girls will have a better life with him around." - She knows I am a good father. I am a good father. No matter what happens in my personal life, romantic or otherwise, my daughters are and always will be my #1 priority. I have not and never will lose focus of that.

 

Fighting the urge to call or talk to her is going to be very hard. Her family has turned their back on her and she is dealing with some major medical issues at the moment. I'm worried about her and want to be there for her, but doing so... it would only hurt.

 

There are exactly 90 days from today before we can get divorced in my state.

[starting2wakeup]

There are exactly 90 days from today before we can get divorced in my state.

 

Scratch that. There are only 60 days before we can get divorced.

[starting2wakeup]

So she just called me at work. Here is what I feel like is going on, based on our brief conversation.

 

In regards to us, she says she can not think of anything (whether she wants to work on our relationship or not) until after a divorce is in place and she knows where everything stands. Her words, as close to verbatim as I can

 

Now I know I shouldn't try and read into her words but my take on this is, she does not want to go to court because I will get full custody of the kids. And if that happens she will no doubt hate me for the rest of my life. She also fears that her daughters will grow up thinking that she abandoned them, which they may grow up to think no matter what.

 

It all kind of feels like blackmail. String me along with the false hope that we may get back together until I agree to a deal that suits her. Nope. Not gonna happen.

 

I explained to her that the whole point of a separation was to see if we wanted to continue to work on us as a couple and a family, or if we wanted to go our separate ways. You don't get a divorce and then decide to see if something is still there. Yes, she has MAJOR issues with marriage, but I am not go to risk any of my rights or the welfare of my children because of them.

 

I felt good after the conversation. I was short and to the point. I tried not to be mean but above all, I did not let her walk over me. I explained that I had tried for over 9 months to meet her halfway (trippi, I stole your line) and had gotten no where. She needed to decide what she wanted to do. I was going to continue to work on me and to take care of the girls, like I have been.

Edited June 23, 2011 by starting2wakeup

[starting2wakeup]

I find myself very depressed. I am really worried as to how the next 60 days are going to play out. It's hard to hold onto myself and not slip back into the sadness that I felt when the separation first started. Having to wait 12 months before you can file for divorce is BS! It's like having to watch a loved one die, twice. First they leave, and then 12 months later, you get to revisit the pain.

 

Short depressing post, I know. Just having a rough time tonight. I am trying to stay positive. Took my girls out to dinner tonight. It was nice. God, I love them so much!

[BetterDays]

I find myself very depressed. I am really worried as to how the next 60 days are going to play out. It's hard to hold onto myself and not slip back into the sadness that I felt when the separation first started. Having to wait 12 months before you can file for divorce is BS! It's like having to watch a loved one die, twice. First they leave, and then 12 months later, you get to revisit the pain.

 

Short depressing post, I know. Just having a rough time tonight. I am trying to stay positive. Took my girls out to dinner tonight. It was nice. God, I love them so much!

 

/big hug

 

I don't know what else to say. I am sorry.

[updown]

it sucks! 12 months is just such a long time...... and you can't really start to heal until it's all said and done. my year was up in jan, and he turned it all into a circus act. it's not pleasant. and it's not done. and i'm basically living in limbo..... it's hard. be gentle with yourself. feel what you need to feel and be ok with that.

HUGS!!!!! and prayers!!!

[debtman]

Took my girls out to dinner tonight. It was nice. God, I love them so much!

 

Excellent...remember that, focus on that, realize how important it is that you get over this, move on, and get happy again...for their sake. Be the father/parent that they need, you may be the only one they can rely on.

 

Start focusing on yourself and rebuild who you are!

 

Life is a wonderful adventure!!

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[starting2wakeup]

By my records, and I have been documenting since day 1, my daughters (now ages 4 and 7) have stayed with me for 257 nights since the separation went into effect.

 

As sh*ty as everything feels right now, I feel so lucky to have them, and to have been able to be there for them through what must be a very confusing time. I read other threads and see time and again where the father doesn't get to spend nearly as much time with their children as they would like. I feel so bad for them. I hate going 2 nights without them. I can't imagine going longer than a week.

 

Thank you for the hugs BetterDays and updown, and the always welcomed words of encouragement debtman. Thank you, so much!

[updown]

they're lucky girls to have such a devoted father!! keep up the amazing work. all three of you will be better off for it :-)

[2sunny]

when you stop ALLOWING yourself to be at the mercy of everything she is/isn't doing/saying - that is when you will begin to move forward.

 

we are never meant to go backwards. look at your evidence...

 

she doesn't intend to be with you

she hasn't made any attempts to change for the better

she avoids getting help

she's secretive

she's sneaky and manipulative

she's willing to hurt you

she uses words that create deception

she only reaches out when she feels she's losing control over you

she doesn't show loving behavior

 

 

moving forward is the only way to heal. stop allowing her to see you/talk with you on a personal level.

 

cut a clear boundary! when she talks at all about anything other than picking up the kids - tell her you are hanging up now. keep your conversations short and to the point... be unaffected by her and unemotional. SHE INTENDS TO DIVORCE YOU - accept that - and start acting as such!

 

her only chatter of making it work down the road is merely designed to manipulate you into getting something she wants from you - or so that she doesn't look like the bad gal that she is. don't bother wasting time or energy with her empty words. IF and WHEN she ever starts to wake up and change... you will know that her actions show new behavior... not her words.

 

 

 

she's NOT being a good Mom - so protect your kids... and give them a safe place where they know they are loved. their Mom MAY not participate on a level that's decent or kind - be aware of that... and do your best to keep their life stable. that may have to include understanding that she's not going to make much effort to have them.

 

moving FORWARD is the only way to get better... and don't look back.

[starting2wakeup]

when you stop ALLOWING yourself to be at the mercy of everything she is/isn't doing/saying - that is when you will begin to move forward.

 

we are never meant to go backwards. look at your evidence...

 

she doesn't intend to be with you

she hasn't made any attempts to change for the better

she avoids getting help

she's secretive

she's sneaky and manipulative

she's willing to hurt you

she uses words that create deception

she only reaches out when she feels she's losing control over you

she doesn't show loving behavior

 

 

moving forward is the only way to heal. stop allowing her to see you/talk with you on a personal level.

 

cut a clear boundary! when she talks at all about anything other than picking up the kids - tell her you are hanging up now. keep your conversations short and to the point... be unaffected by her and unemotional. SHE INTENDS TO DIVORCE YOU - accept that - and start acting as such!

 

her only chatter of making it work down the road is merely designed to manipulate you into getting something she wants from you - or so that she doesn't look like the bad gal that she is. don't bother wasting time or energy with her empty words. IF and WHEN she ever starts to wake up and change... you will know that her actions show new behavior... not her words.

 

 

 

she's NOT being a good Mom - so protect your kids... and give them a safe place where they know they are loved. their Mom MAY not participate on a level that's decent or kind - be aware of that... and do your best to keep their life stable. that may have to include understanding that she's not going to make much effort to have them.

 

moving FORWARD is the only way to get better... and don't look back.

 

Thank you! I needed to hear this.

[starting2wakeup]

My W called me today at work to ask where I was (?) I told her I was at work and the girls were with the babysitter. She said she had to go to my neighbors house to check on her pets and she was worried the girls would see her and want to speak to her. I told her I would give the babysitter a heads up and if the girls wanted to say hi there was absolutely no problem with that. Then she said she might not even go. My neighbors pets be damned I guess. I then told her bye, I had to get back to work.

 

Later in the day she called me again, asking was I taking the girls to see my grandmother tomorrow. I told her yes and instantly knew she had in fact gone by my house as she suddenly had knowledge of my weekend itinerary. I told her my plans and she seemed... disappointed. Too bad. She then told me she was going to be at my neighbors house tonight and might / would like to kiss the girls goodnight. I told her I was taking them to my mothers for dinner and didn't know when I would be home but sure, text me when you get there and if they are still up, of course you can kiss them goodnight. She again, was disappointed. Too bad.

 

Here's my thing. I don't ever want to deny her from her kids, nor them from their mother. That said, I'm also not going to change my plans for her at the drop of a hat.

 

Right now, she is across the street at my neighbors house. And I don't care.

 

When I got home with the girls, they saw her car in the neighbors drive way and they wanted to see her. I told them to go inside, as it was late and time for bed, but I would send her a text that they wanted to see her. I texted. No answer. So I called. Got her voicemail. I feel that was enough. I tried, for my daughters.

 

Tomorrow I am taking my girls to my grandmothers farm. It's small but she has some cows and some big open fields to run in. They should have fun. I also have made plans to take them to the mountains for a full week at the beginning of next month. It will be nice to get away.

[starting2wakeup]

My W just sent me a text - "What are the three things that would make you feel content? It can be a person, vocation, personality trait... anything you desire."

 

I have yet to answer.

 

Is it me or does this question feel like a test?

[trippi1432]

I called her out on her behavior of late. I step away and leave her alone, she contacts me more and tells me she loves me. I then step forward a little and she steps back 5 steps. It is confusing and only adds to my stress.

 

My problem. I go 180 and she steps closer, I then take a tiny step in and she takes 5 backwards. I just need to go 180 and be done with it. I know she has feelings for me but, she is unable to provide the kind of love and respect I need. I feel like sh*t right now.

 

Best thing is to completely ignore her comments, they are there to draw you back in, but on her terms. Doesn't sound like your in to that, so I would just cut her off and tell her that conversation is inappropriate for you and your exwife.

 

It sets a boundry and will help you keep your sanity.

 

TOJAZ

 

if you two are getting a divorce, i say cut the small talk with her. no more back and forth. no more "chit chat". if it doesn't directly involved the kids, you DO NOT answer. end of story. if she is that jealous, she needs to be fully invested. if she has issues with marriage then she doesn't get to know the personal stuff that goes on in your life. the only thing she gets to know is stuff regarding her kids.

 

no more lunch dates, no more dinner dates. no more answering questions if they don't involve the kids, PERIOD!

 

there definitely are some huge boundary issues. what the game she is playing, i haven't a clue! i am a woman and i would NEVER do that to someone that i knew loved me. play with them like that. it's just cruel and juvenile!

 

since she knows you're still into her, physically, and have been without for so long even MORE cruel of her to do what she is doing. it's high school girly on so many levels! she is not thinking about you at all, she is not caring about your feelings either. she says she loves you, but honestly, someone who loved someone else would not attempt to torture them like that!!

 

I agree with Updown...go as LC as you can right now, get your head straight for your kids, your job and for you. What she does is not your concern, you know now "why" she does it...but you cannot control what she does. You have tried to your best of your ability, but if she is not able to meet you halfway...you have done all you can.

 

Trippi, you are right, she has not met me halfway. And I don't know what else I can do.

 

In regards to us, she says she can not think of anything (whether she wants to work on our relationship or not) until after a divorce is in place and she knows where everything stands. Her words, as close to verbatim as I can

 

It all kind of feels like blackmail. String me along with the false hope that we may get back together until I agree to a deal that suits her. Nope. Not gonna happen.

 

I explained to her that the whole point of a separation was to see if we wanted to continue to work on us as a couple and a family, or if we wanted to go our separate ways. You don't get a divorce and then decide to see if something is still there. Yes, she has MAJOR issues with marriage, but I am not go to risk any of my rights or the welfare of my children because of them.

 

I felt good after the conversation. I was short and to the point. I tried not to be mean but above all, I did not let her walk over me. I explained that I had tried for over 9 months to meet her halfway (trippi, I stole your line) and had gotten no where. She needed to decide what she wanted to do. I was going to continue to work on me and to take care of the girls, like I have been.

 

My W just sent me a text - "What are the three things that would make you feel content? It can be a person, vocation, personality trait... anything you desire."

 

I have yet to answer.

 

Is it me or does this question feel like a test?

 

It's not just a test, it's the same thing she does every time you put that LC boundary in place. She doesn't know boundaries and is testing the ones you put in place. If she doesn't want to be a wife and be in a marriage, you are giving her exactly what she has chosen for the both of you. You didn't choose this, she did.

 

I would treat that text the same way she treated your texts and phone call the night before when it did have to do with the kids...ignore. If she asks you why you ignored it, tell her it had nothing to do with the kids, therefore there was nothing that needed to be said. You are going to have to drive that logic home to her because she will continue playing you and trying to wrap you around her finger.

 

Hang in there and enjoy time with the kids.

[updown]

does the text she sent you have a direct baring on your children? if it does not, then you DO NOT reply! at all. there is NO reason. you may feel there is, but she is playing a game with you, your heart and your head, and this is one more part of it........

 

i have received random emails and texts like that. in the beginning i responded. it made sense to, til i realized nothing was going to change because it was all just a part of a game........ a game i was never going to be able to win or even get ahead in. especially if i kept playing it!

 

once i stopped playing, things actually got better for me. i could see more clearly and realize just what damage was being done by playing.

 

trust me when i say STOP PLAYING! if it does not involve your children, do not respond to her.

 

hugs!! you're in my thoughts and prayers!

[starting2wakeup]

I did not respond to her text.

 

This morning my oldest wanted to talk to her so I called her number and the handed the phone over. They talked from a couple of minutes. My youngest had no desire in talking to her whatsoever, so the phone was handed to me. We talked for just a minute. She started to complain about her legs hurting her and I politely got off the phone. I had things to do and told her I would just talk to her later.

 

I took my girls to see CARS 2 today and during the movie she called. I didn't answer. I did send her a quick text, "N movie U OK? Note: I HATE people who use their phones in theaters but I was sitting to the side and was able to text under my shirt. She did not respond. I was tempted to call her on the way home from the movie but did not. If there was an emergency she would have texted back or she will call again.

[cyabye]

I did send her a quick text, "N movie U OK? She did not respond.

 

I would not reply to her at all. It seems she called to get you to respond and by the way you responded via text above satisfied her ego (thus no reply from her). Does that make sense? Her antics are childish and manipulative. Hope you enjoyed the movie with your kids.

 

cya

Edited June 26, 2011 by cyabye

[trippi1432]

I did not respond to her text.

Good!

 

This morning my oldest wanted to talk to her so I called her number and the handed the phone over. They talked from a couple of minutes. My youngest had no desire in talking to her whatsoever, so the phone was handed to me. We talked for just a minute. She started to complain about her legs hurting her and I politely got off the phone. I had things to do and told her I would just talk to her later.

Good again!

 

I took my girls to see CARS 2 today and during the movie she called. I didn't answer. I did send her a quick text, "N movie U OK? Note: I HATE people who use their phones in theaters but I was sitting to the side and was able to text under my shirt. She did not respond. I was tempted to call her on the way home from the movie but did not. If there was an emergency she would have texted back or she will call again.

Question: Did she know that you were taking them to the movies? If so, she shouldn't have tried to call. BUT, on the other hand, when you told her via text that you were at the movies her non-response was most likely due to the fact that she KNOWS that you hate people using their phone in the theater. Just wanted to point that out as, for once, she did show a respectful response and knows that is a personal pet peeve...that is good on her part, but still not good enough to warrant a response from you. Again, good that you did not give in to your temptation. Continue to educate her on LC and what it means when you say "just concerning the kids".

[cyabye]

Good!

 

 

Good again!

 

 

Question: Did she know that you were taking them to the movies? If so, she shouldn't have tried to call. BUT, on the other hand, when you told her via text that you were at the movies her non-response was most likely due to the fact that she KNOWS that you hate people using their phone in the theater. Just wanted to point that out as, for once, she did show a respectful response and knows that is a personal pet peeve...that is good on her part, but still not good enough to warrant a response from you. Again, good that you did not give in to your temptation. Continue to educate her on LC and what it means when you say "just concerning the kids".

 

That's an optomistic assumption. Doubtful. Or she would of responded with a short text (such as sorry, didn't know you were in a movie etc.) or called later when the movie was over. She flat ignored his text. Cudos to NOT calling her back.

 

Cya

[starting2wakeup]

Question: Did she know that you were taking them to the movies?

 

When talking to our oldest earlier in the day it was mentioned, but no time table was given. She knows that I only take them to matinee shows (because they are cheaper) but no, she did not know when we would be at the movie.

 

She did call me later in the day. She asked if we were back from the movies. I said, yes, we had been home for a couple of hours. She said something to the effect of, "I thought you would have called when the movie was over." I told her I assumed you would have texted me back or called if there was an emergency. I then had to get off the phone to take care of my youngest, who had made a mess in the bathroom. She called again about an hour later. I was in the grocery store with the girls and couldn't talk. She asked if I would call her when I got home. I said yes.

 

After putting away the groceries I called her and asked about Wednesday. Her bosses son is apparently moving to the area and she was suppose to pick him up from the airport. I wanted to know if I would need to watch the girls so she could go out of town. She said she didn't know when he got in yet but would find out. She then started to talk about how bad her legs hurt again. She had gotten a massage the other night when she was at my neighbors house - she is a massage therapist - and now had bruises all over her legs. She started to take a picture of them to send to me so I could see how bad they looked. I told her I had to make dinner and got of the phone. She did send a picture. I did not respond.

 

Today I dropped the girls off at her place, as today starts her week with them. She did not look good. She looked tired and complained of hurting all over. After saying goodbye to the girls she said she would hug me but it hurt all over. I told her not to worry about it and left for work.

[starting2wakeup]

W called me at work this morning. She told me about how my youngest had woken up in the middle of the night and wanted me. She also told me what she had planned for the kids today. She started to tell me something else and then stopped herself saying, "you told me not to talk about that". I asked did it have something to do with the girls? She said no. I asked if it had something to do with her health? She said no. And I left it at that.

[updown]

it sounds like she just has such a mess going on in her head. i can't really even begin to say what i think it could be. if you have the girls, and she calls, let it go to voice mail. that is my best suggestion. i would also suggest to her that if it IS an emergency, she needs to call 911, NOT YOU!!!

 

i have a friend that was married. after being together many years and having kids together suddenly she didn't want to be married anymore. it wasn't that she didn't want him she just didn't want to be in any marriage. they lived in a house that was set up so that they could both stay there and never run into one another. they worked out visitation with their kids and just traded off. they ended up divorced. but, they lived in the same house ( just separately.....) when she became ill with cancer she needed him again, and he was there for her because he still loved her. there had never been any anger between them. no falling out of love, or anything like that. just no marriage.

 

anyway. he stepped up and helped her. she then realized that they never should've divorced in the first place. i guess she had some demons from before they were married the first time and had to work through them. once she did, she was ok being married again. he was a widower for a long time after she died. just got remarried this past spring. he is an amazing man. i look up to him like a father. he did a great job raising his children. ( many of whom are girls)

 

no clue what my real point is. other than maybe your wife just has some big issues she needs to iron out........ it sounds like she WANTS you there when SHE wants you there. but, not on YOUR terms..........

 

i still think the only kind of contact you two need is regarding your girls. it sounds like she has some really serious health concerns though. should she even be living alone? could she live with a family member?

 

HUGS!!! you're in my prayers!!

[Forever Learning]

Hello. I am new to this forum, just joined a couple days ago. It's late here central time in Texas, about 10:15pm. I was just about to go to bed and doing a little reading first, when I stumbled upon this thread.

 

Oh my God!!!!

 

What a freaking nightmare!!!!

 

I am nauseous from your whole situation with your ex-wife. Honest to God I feel emotionally exhausted and I barely scratched the surface of the entire ordeal!!!!!! I only read the first few pages from back in December, and then jumped to the last few pages, here in June, to see how it had all ended/resolved out.

 

BUT. IT. HADNT. RESOLVED. OR. GOTTEN. ANY. BETTER.

 

I did not mean to type all this to bring you down, by the way. I guess what I am saying is, you have got to put some boundaries up and have as little contact as possible with this woman. This entire ordeal has got to be the most emotionally exhausting ordeal of your human existence.

 

I think another reason your situation freaks me out is I am in the process of a divorce, 2 small boys exactly your daughters ages - and if I have to experience this type of continued turmoil from their father for an extended period of time in the future, I really don't know if I could take it.

 

It's just such straight insanity.

 

I will say at least you have a whole lot of very caring people here giving you fabulous support and advice. You sure lucked out with that aspect of this situation. God bless you and all the best to you and your precious little girls.

Edited June 29, 2011 by Forever Learning

[starting2wakeup]

it sounds like she has some really serious health concerns though. should she even be living alone? could she live with a family member?

 

She does. I have joked in the past that she has more medical issues than the last 2 seasons of "House" combined. Clearly I'm exaggerating but, not by much. It was/is not uncommon for her to wind up in the ER every 6 months. Add her physical issues to the mental ones caused by her past and yes, she has a number of concerns she needs to address. And no, I don't think she should be living alone but she can't live with me either. And as far as family goes, they are the most selfish people you will ever meet. The ones who I would trust to watch after her, her two younger sisters, have turned their backs on her.

 

HUGS!!! you're in my prayers!!

 

Thank you!