Very Lucky

[Donewrong]

I am a very lucky woman!

 

I did the most horrible and devistating thing a person could do to their spouse. I had an affair. My husband found out, did the 180 and moved out and on. After about a month he came back and decided we would try and work on our marriage under certain ground rules. He gave me a second chance.

 

We are still living seperately and still working hard on reconcilling. We have our ups and downs daily and will for probably some time but I am willing to wait for forever for him. I know what I did and I will make amends to him for that for the rest of my life because he deserves that! He did not deserve what I did.

 

He is an amzing guy. Since his 180 he is attentive, caring, loving, compasionate, and affectionate. It feels amazing to have him want to hold my hand and want to walk with me. He compliments me and surprises me everyday at how happy he makes me. He brings me a drink when I don't ask. He helps with dinner and yes the dishes too. He holds me during the night sometimes when he wakes to me crying. He genuinely cares about me. I feel this warm spot in my chest when I am with him and even just thinking of him. I can't wait to leave work and go home to see him. I get excited. I want to look my best for him as he does for me.

 

I know it is going to be a LONG HARD road ahead of us and I will be there through it all with him. He didn't deserve what happened and he don't deserve what he's going through emoitionally. No matter what he needs I will be there- to scream, cry, get angry, or just sit quiet. I will be right there for him. I realized that this process is about his needs and his recovery! I will do whatever it takes. I will spend the rest of my life showing him how lucky I AM because I know now just how lucky I am to have him.

 

I know that it will take years to get through this and it's OK. I am here for the long haul. I will do whatever it takes- whatever he needs.

 

Do I deserve a second chance? No I don't but he has given it to me and I am EXTREMELY lucky for that. I will spend the rest of my life showing him he made the right decision.

 

Advice for anyone going to cheat - STOP..BREATH and THINK. The grass is not greener. Talk to your spouse. Tell him/her why you feel the way you feel. You'll be surprised by the fact your spouse probably has no clue about half of your concerns and they'd be willing to work on them. I didn't stop, breath nor think. I just did! And the end result - a broken marriage and a broken husband. I am very lucky he has given me a chance. He is amazing!

[AlisaMarie]

I am happy for you. We all make mistakes, and I doubt you are a compulsive cheater/liar. People like to sniff out other situations. Sometimes we just aren't happy. But you realized. In your words it sounds like you have a great man. Yes you have a lot to overcome, but it sounds like you're ready to prove to him how sorry you are.

 

I would forgive a cheater if he acted like you did. Anyone that has cheated on my has either denied, said that they were just friends, or left me and ran off with them. I really never had anyone prove to me that they were sorry. I have even had the guilty dog bark at me, loudly, when I clearly have not cheated. Ahhh....

 

Keep up the love, and keep your marriage strong. I hope that it works out and you are forgiven for your mistake.

[Donewrong]

AlisaMarie:

 

Its not black or white like that. I did lie compulsively to cover up and have my affair. I was a bad wife. I had an affair without thinking how it would affect anyone else. I was selfish!

Now with a second chance I want to prove to him every day that I can be a good wife. I am not the good guy here - this post was to validate how good a guy I have, how lucky I am to have been given a second chance.

 

Thank you for your comment.

[Surfer203]

Wow.. you are really lucky. That is a nice story to hear and it is nice to see how appreciative you are of his forgiveness... that is great! Best of luck to you both. I must say that I am jealous of the way your situation worked out.

[AlisaMarie]

But you made a mistake, and you're making it right. You have a great guy... and you are the good guy too as long as you press forward. What makes you special is that even though you messed up bad, you're willing to make it right now. NOW, you are both lucky to have a loving caring union. Good luck dear. I do wish for everyone to have a happy ending.

[Donewrong]

Wow.. you are really lucky. That is a nice story to hear and it is nice to see how appreciative you are of his forgiveness... that is great! Best of luck to you both. I must say that I am jealous of the way your situation worked out.

 

 

I am very lucky! what_next is an amazing man! I have read your thread and I really feel for your situation. I know you are getting alot of advice from the other side of the spectrum and alot of it is dead right! What_next and I are far from fixed - millions of miles to go!

Good luck to you!

[Donewrong]

But you made a mistake, and you're making it right. You have a great guy... and you are the good guy too as long as you press forward. What makes you special is that even though you messed up bad, you're willing to make it right now. NOW, you are both lucky to have a loving caring union. Good luck dear. I do wish for everyone to have a happy ending.

 

Thank you

[Surfer203]

Yes.. What_Next has given me lots of great advice.. I didn't realize you were involved with him. It is really awesome to see this working! Best of luck to both of you.

[What_Next]

In case anyone didn't catch on to it, Donewrong is my wife. I commend her for coming on her and posting once again. Way back in the early stages of our marriage trouble she did come on here in the Divorce and Seperation section, but at that time I was not interested in reconciliation anyway.

 

I have told her about this place for a number of reasons, first and foremost because it and the LS community have been a fantastic resource to me and I want to feed back into it. Also I think Donewrong might give a perspective that is rare.

[Surfer203]

Donewrong: I am going to give you my wife's email and phone number..hahaha give her some insights! Let her know that she is out of her mind. I wish.

[Surfer203]

Yeah.. Donewrong... she certainly deserves our respect.. takes a lot of guts I'm sure to get on here and post. So happy for you guys.. and I don't even know you!

[Donewrong]

Donewrong: I am going to give you my wife's email and phone number..hahaha give her some insights! Let her know that she is out of her mind. I wish.

 

Wish I could! No matter what anyone says to your wife at this point she can't hear it or see it. She is covered by the so-called "fog" She is out of her mind. If she's lucky she will find those missing brain cells and start thinking straight and realize what she has lost.

[Surfer203]

Haha I know.. it is all up to her. Everyone in our lives has tried to reach out to her and shake some sense in to her, but as I learned only she can make up her mind about what wants. I agree she is in quite a thick fog! I hope she does regain her mental composure, not only for me but for her own good.

 

How long have you guys been dealing with this issue? When did you realize and how did you realize you guys should be together and that you made a mistake?

[Donewrong]

Yeah.. Donewrong... she certainly deserves our respect.. takes a lot of guts I'm sure to get on here and post. So happy for you guys.. and I don't even know you!

 

 

Thank you. I only hope to do what my husband is doing and be able to help others. Anytime you want insight from this side of the situation, ask, anytime!

[Surfer203]

I appreciate that very much! I will have to go back and read your husband's original thread.

[Donewrong]

Haha I know.. it is all up to her. Everyone in our lives has tried to reach out to her and shake some sense in to her, but as I learned only she can make up her mind about what wants. I agree she is in quite a thick fog! I hope she does regain her mental composure, not only for me but for her own good.

 

How long have you guys been dealing with this issue? When did you realize and how did you realize you guys should be together and that you made a mistake?

 

I started my affair last spring. He found out about my affair the end of Aug and we offically seperated Oct 1. He decided to give me a second chance Oct 25. I knew I made the mistake the moment I slept with the OM. But it was already too late - it had already went too far. I had seen my husband making changes(180) and couldn't see that he would do that for me. Because I was the one that cheated..I assumed he was changing for someone else. When your guilty you tend to not trust anyone else either.

 

We were together for 20 years so I knew when I lost my best friend that I wanted him back. If you haven't, please grab a coffee or two and read what_next thread. I put him through hell and didn't even know it! I couldn't see past my selfishness to see what I was doing to him. It took me seeing him leave our home to date the OW to shock my brains cells back into reality. Now that being said -thats not always the right thing to do. Him moving out first would have had the same shocking outcome for me and it would have given him time to be him. I know now what I had and what I have! I will fight for that every day! What_next is still and will be going through alot for a really long time and I will be there next to himthrough it all! I hope your wife does see the light through the fog...it'd be a shame for her to get lost in it!

[Surfer203]

I will read it maybe tonight or this weekend. I am really happy for you guys. I like happy endings.

 

I hope my wife sees the light too.. but I am not banking on it. It seems like we are just at the beginning of this. You guys have been in the midst of this for a lot longer than me. What is the advantage of a seperation prior to a divorce? Was there a reason What_Next didn't push for the divorce first?

[Donewrong]

I will read it maybe tonight or this weekend. I am really happy for you guys. I like happy endings.

 

I hope my wife sees the light too.. but I am not banking on it. It seems like we are just at the beginning of this. You guys have been in the midst of this for a lot longer than me. What is the advantage of a seperation prior to a divorce? Was there a reason What_Next didn't push for the divorce first?

 

I think it was because in canada we have to be seperated for 1 year for divorce to be cheap ?!?!? Ask him...I think that was why?! I think if divorce was free...he would have done it the end of august. Heck he still may divorce me. We are far from in the clear but I think that all the work we are both putting into our relationship now will make us work in the end.

 

Chin up - she will see clearly. Hopefully it won't be too late! Either way you need to look after yourself. Don't make any irrational decisions...live and look after yourself. If she sees clearly before you have moved on then great for you both. If she sees clearly after you've moved on - her loss. No one can shake senses to her brain cells but herself...I know first hand. Until I was ready to take responsibilty for my actions I could barely see a hand in front of me from that "fog" She has to see what she's done. She has to sleep at night knowing. Forge ahead.

[What_Next]

Well without starting an international incident things are MUCH different here in Canada. The long and short of it is that IF I had wanted a quickie divorce (within 3 months or so) it would have cost a small fortune and I was not interested in putting a deck on some lawyers home. I have a MASSIVE personal issue with lawyers and want NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with them.

 

In Canada where we live after 1 yr of physical seperation a divorce is a matter of course. Why didn't I push it at the time? Well it was the least of my concerns. Donewrong and I had agreed on financial matters, custody agreements etc. We weren't at each others throats.

 

The gut reaction to "lawyer up" and "arm yourself" does not apply in our case and I am happy that it did not.

 

As to whether or not I will chose to request a divorce, honestly that is still up in the air. I mean Donewrong cheated, and I did more than enough on my end to invalidate our marriage. For me the actual marriage represents only a paper commitment. After 20 years together there is a much deeper connection and it has little to do with some piece of paper with our names on it.

 

I hope that answers the question.

[Surfer203]

Donewrong: Thanks for the positive words. I am doing my best.. I wake up every day and go to work, I take care of myself, started excercising again and am trying to get out with friends and family more frequently. I feel good mostly.. I am able to laugh again and smile some times.

 

What_Next: Got it. Things are different here in the states. My wife is from Canada actually. She won't even file for seperation or divorce or anything she is just floating along with no intent. It sucks!

 

Again.. sorry to distract from your thread.. go ahead.

[aerogurl87]

It does sound like you were very lucky. I cheated on my ex and we tried to reconcile but it didn't work. He still wants to one day though whenever we're both ready to be settled completely and married (doubt that'll happen). But it's good to hear you two are working things out.

[Donewrong]

We are trying but it's a hard road. How much of focusing on past should we be doing if we are moving forward? If it helps him move ahead in our relationship I'll answer as many questions he needs answered. I just find some days I feel like a punching bag(which I rightly deserve it). Just hard some days!

Edited December 3, 2010 by Donewrong

[Surfer203]

Why can't my stupid b**** of a wife come to her senses like Donewrong did? When does the snap back to reality happen and what causes it!? Ahhh!!! Been angry the past few days, more than usual.

[You Go Girl]

We are trying but it's a hard road. How much of focusing on past should we be doing if we are moving forward? If it helps him move ahead in our relationship I'll answer as many questions he needs answered. I just find some days I feel like a punching bag(which I rightly deserve it). Just hard some days!

 

I'm really happy for you and what_next. I think it's terrific that the two of you have realized that your love is worth working through. As much as infidelity hurts, it is simply one more way that couples err in keeping their love strong. There are many ways that a marriage can be neglected and abused, and infidelity is just one of them.

So I hope your punching bag days are almost over. As much as I've found what_next to be of fine character and compassionate, I don't advocate you licking his feet for the next x months or years. Marriage has to be of equals. Nothing else will work. Equals without one partner having the upper hand, nor dictating, nor holding divorce over the other's head. It must be realized that both partner's have the ability to divorce each other at anytime.

I hope the balance and equality is restored in your marriage soon. I wish you both the best and success at making it work!

[dk.bnz.chi]

she got back with him because"My husband found out, did the 180 and moved out and on",so he gained her respect as a man who doesn't put up with s..t. hadn't he done that i doubt she would've come 2 her senses. i wonder if the husband didn't find out,what then?