Very Lucky

[You Go Girl]

she got back with him because"My husband found out, did the 180 and moved out and on",so he gained her respect as a man who doesn't put up with s..t. hadn't he done that i doubt she would've come 2 her senses. i wonder if the husband didn't find out,what then?

 

You give the 180 too much credit.

The 180 is to help someone move on. It is not, as some believe here, the perfect tactic for winning someone back. If that were so, we'd all be puppets, compelled to return to relationships simply by the 180 without any other motivation needed, and the 180 would be a whole lot more successful, which it is not.

Women, nor men, wayward or not, are not compelled to return out of guilt, nor even respect, although both can play a part in questioning one's own behavior.

People return to relationships after a period of leaving them simply because they realize they still love that someone. You need to give the human heart more credit, not some theoretical ploy.

She made a conscious decision to do an about-face. Later, he did the same. Together, looking in the same direction, they just might make it. Only their love gets credit here, not the 180.

[dk.bnz.chi]

ok fine,180 whatever.

what if he didn't find out the cheating? would she keep on cheating, or tell him some time in the future after she gets bored of him?

i'm not trying 2 b negative but all this bs is just bs.

he found out and i realized that i'm a b..h and i'm sooooo

lucky cuz i realized all this love .

so it takes to f..k somebody and b caught 2 realize what u have or had?

pathetic.u r lucky ,but trust me , if he has balls it won't take long until u will fell them

[You Go Girl]

ok fine,180 whatever.

what if he didn't find out the cheating? would she keep on cheating, or tell him some time in the future after she gets bored of him?

i'm not trying 2 b negative but all this bs is just bs.

he found out and i realized that i'm a b..h and i'm sooooo

lucky cuz i realized all this love .

so it takes to f..k somebody and b caught 2 realize what u have or had?

pathetic.u r lucky ,but trust me , if he has balls it won't take long until u will fell them

 

There's a whole lot of hurt pride associated with infidelity. It's certainly good that people draw boundary lines as to what is acceptable, however, it takes two to tango in a marriage, and I have zero doubt in my mind that her cheating was the sole problem in their marriage.

 

Pride has to be set aside if there is going to be reconcillation and growth. Pride is like anger...it blocks growth by blocking thought. It's a dead-end.

 

She could have chosen to keep cheating even after he found out. She could have chosen a new life. Or the tables could have been turned and he could have had his affair first. There's endless possibilities. They chose to learn to grow, move forward, and forgive. Either one could chose otherwise. It's one person in a million that is incapable of cheating, no matter how many in that million would swear they aren't capable.

 

What does it take for people to realize what they have and stop destructive behaviors? First, there are many destructive and dysfunctional behaviors besides infidelity...endless possibilities.

I suppose it takes looking in the mirror instead of focusing solely on the flaws of the other person. Most people never really do that. They think they do, but they oh so don't even begin to see themselves from another's perspective, nor judge themselves objectively. That type of extreme personal inventory only happens a few times in a lifetime, if ever, and it's the only path to real change. All other change is a whole lot of words with good intentions and then slipping back right into the same behaviors that led up to the problems in the first place. It takes a whole new level of maturity. Most people aren't up to the task without MC, IC, and/or time apart to reflect and assess.

 

Even with infidelity thrown in the mix, we still always have a couple that isn't making the necessary connection, understanding, and communication for success. Doesn't matter what the particular betrayal is. There are as many ways to betray as there are ways to be loyal--endless.

It always comes down to love and choice, and setting the hurt aside long enough to try.

Whether infidelity is the character flaw that is unforgivable is each individual's choice. Just remember that everytime you shut a door, and hold fast to a principle, you've limited life's possibilities, although you certainly have that right.

The problem with infidelity is that it is the betrayal that takes the eyes of objectivity and problem solving off the couple as a whole and focuses judgment solely on one partner. That's the crucial information that the wayward partner fails to recognize will follow them around like the scarlet letter on their forehead.

[dk.bnz.chi]

you go

u're talking in circles. u want 2 address the ego issue,and that's the sole problem of all the acceptance.

i have cheated b4 and got caught numerous times,and i always taught that if the girl didn't make a big deal about it i was forgiven and everything was fine,wrong,women have the memory of an elephant,they forgive(temporary) but they never forget. so i just lost the idea but i will return like Schwarzenegger "i'll be back"

[dk.bnz.chi]

ok,i'm back.i would suggest that u guys go ice skating today and see how that works out.

[2010_Sorry]

Donewrong and What_Next, congratulations to you both! It is so wonderful to see a happy ending like this!

 

I was just like Donewrong... I have tried to reconcile with my ex-husband, but he is still very angry and unforgiving. I fear that he will never heal. He says that he is "not ready", and that he is in a "happy place" because nobody can ever hurt him again (he's living up the single, non-committed life). I poured my heart out to him in November, and he continues to tell me maybe in time, but not now. He's asked me to move on. Sigh...

 

What_Next, I'm sure it was really hard for you to swallow your pride and try to push through the pain, difficult memories for the sake of your marriage. Wow... Donewrong, you certainly ARE a lucky woman!!

[Surfer203]

2010 Sorry: I recommend you do just that.. move on. If he comes back to you and you still want him then go for it at that point. For now just take one day at a time and heal.. move on! That is what I am doing. You will be fine.

[Donewrong]

I agree 2010 - if he said to move on do so! You will feel much better about yourself. Start excercising and buy some nice clothes. If he wants you back...great, if he doesn't -that's ok...you have moved on anyway.

 

As for What_next being over the pain..not at all. What_next is not over the pain and has not forgiven. He is unsure if he ever will. He could come home any day and say he is done. That is my biggest fear that I will loose him again. I have to have faith that he can learn to see past the pain and forgive. That is something I have to deal with- I brought it on myself and I'm a big girl and will stand by him because he is worth it!

I always thought if you made the decision to reconcile - that was the decision. For us, that's not the case. We are reconciling but with the understanding that if he can't learn to forgive and is finding it too much he may decide to end it at anytime. I guess it leaves me waiting for an answer- some sort of validation that he won't leave me. I am aware that this process can take years and may never come but I'm wlling to hang on. I have to be thankful everyday for every moment I have with him now - so yes I know I am VERY lucky! I am EXTREMELY lucky for those special moments we have together now.

[Donewrong]

I am so lucky. My husband is so sweet.Our day yesterday started out with a nice breakfast - just What_next and I(daughter went to a friends house) We went to the Christmas parade as a family and then we ran some errands together. We did some work around the apartment last night. I helped him put up curtains and paint doorknobs. We sat and watched a TV show last night and he held my hand. Felt so nice. This was something we rarely did. I love that feeling when he touches my hand or arm or back. I know he is hurting and I really see him trying! I am so lucky.

[Surfer203]

Jealous of you guys... however, it makes me feel really good to see that there is always a chance of reconciliation. I don't even know the two of you in real life but honestly.. when I read your thread it makes me smile!

[What_Next]

As much as I've found what_next to be of fine character and compassionate, I don't advocate you licking his feet for the next x months or years. Marriage has to be of equals. Nothing else will work. Equals without one partner having the upper hand, nor dictating, nor holding divorce over the other's head. It must be realized that both partner's have the ability to divorce each other at anytime.

I hope the balance and equality is restored in your marriage soon. I wish you both the best and success at making it work!

 

 

I actually take offense to you suggesting I am making Donewrong lick my feet! That could not be further from the truth. That is the LAST thing I am doing. I am treating her with respect, dignity and showing her as much love as I am able to.

 

Am I over this? Umm NO. Have I put the pain behind me? Umm NO. It may take years. I am being honest and open with Donewrong and trying my best to let her inside my head so she knows what I am feeling. Is there a possibility that some day I might decide I can no longer continue, well of course there is. I am NOT trying to hold anything over her head, heavens no. I just cannot predict the futre, in fact to my knowledge no one has that ability. It's a process, and I am trying to take it day by day.

 

I believe in my heart that Donewrong has true remorse for her actions, and I will admit that having that knowledge does indeed help. She is a good women, she made some terrible decisions. YGG, I also can read a little justification in your posts, well in my opinion NOTHING EVER EVER EVER justifies infedility. Do I openly and readily admit I made some very severe mistakes our marriage? Heck yes! However, cheating is NOT nor EVER WILL BE the answer.

[Donewrong]

Another day!

I went home yesterday and very excitedly got ready for my husband to come home. He did come home and we shared a lil dinner and did some more work together around the apartment. I always loving helping my wonderful husband with tasks. Anything to spend quality time with him gives me the warm and fuzzies.

 

Just a random bunch of thoughts thrown out there:

 

YGG, Do I feel that he is holding the affair and that he may leave me over my head. Well..let me explain before I answer.

 

As I said before...at first I thought that if you decided to reconcile with your partner than you do. You are back with them no matter what and you learn to forgive and forge ahead in your relationship. Him telling me that he may not beable to get there did feel like he was holding it over my head at first but this process has led me to learn that it's not the case. It is a process and during that process either party may find it too hard and decide to end the relationship. There is no black and white answers in emotions...a huge shade of gray.

 

I used to make myself sick worried every day that he would decide to not come home some evening. Or because he is aware now that he can attract beautiful women that he may decide that this is not worth it when there are so many beautiful women out there. Well..thinking like that is not healthy. I can't think nor worry about that. When the thoughts enters my mind I realize how lucky I am for each day I get to spend with him and well...he's here with me because he chose to be.

 

I found it extremely hard when what_next decided to spend time alone at his place. It was rough - the worse went through my mind that he didnt want to be with me anymore. Not the same thoughts anymore. My husband needs time to be with alone and explore himself. He didn't have that opportunity when we first seperated and I've come to understand his need for that.

 

It was my own insecurities that led me to feel like our relationship was a carrot hung over my head..his knowledge of the interst of other women and his new found confidence. I know that he is not rubbing anything in my face when he tells me he is a handsome man and that he can attract other women easily...It is him with his new confidence and being honest. Both of which I think he wears quite attractively! See it makes me sit back and think - wow...I am so lucky. He can have his choice of tons of women but he has chosen to be with me. I will do everything a wife is supposed to do to show him that I know just how lucky I am and I will never take him for granted again.

 

When we are together he treats me with respect and love. I don't think in any sway that he tries to punish me for what I did. It's a process that we must go through!

 

 

Surfer: Do not date if you are not 100% ready. I think the critical time what_next needed to explore and find himself was put on the back burner so he wouldn't be alone and now he is behind in his process of healing. (just a thought what_next and it may be wrong but just a thought)

Heal yourself first before you bring a third party in the mix. Women will be there later but you need your sanity first and foremost. Take control of your life - get everything in order before you decide to move on. You lost the one you love, no matter what the reason and it is a grieving process. You need to be able to live and be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else.

[Surfer203]

Thanks Donewrong. I agree.. maybe it is not the time quite yet. I will keep focusing on myself.. take a vacation, do some things that I want to do finally and enjoy life.

[Donewrong]

Thanks Donewrong. I agree.. maybe it is not the time quite yet. I will keep focusing on myself.. take a vacation, do some things that I want to do finally and enjoy life.

 

 

GREAT IDEA!!! Can't go wrong when you look after your first above all now!

[Surfer203]

DONE! Thanks Donewrong... soon you can change your nickname to Doneright. Good luck to you guys.

[What_Next]

I think the critical time what_next needed to explore and find himself was put on the back burner so he wouldn't be alone and now he is behind in his process of healing. (just a thought what_next and it may be wrong but just a thought)

 

A point on this comment, taking the route I did certainly changed the mix of the how I am healing, there is little doubt of that. However, it is a route that many BS take. Usually with disasterous consequences, as was the case for me. What it did do was in some ways bridge a gap and might have even kept me sane. It was selfish of me to have went this road, but I did and I cannot deny it. I am trying to come to terms with it and compartmentalize it.

 

As a side note, it might read that I constantly tell Donewrong that I can attract other women etc, and I might come across as being mean for doing that. That is far from the case. Donewrong now sees that yes I am a good man (no I DON'T have a massive ego) and good men are in demand. She needs to remember this, as I must realize that i need to continually attract her and re-attract her almost every day. I have little issue with doing this.

[What_Next]

DONE! Thanks Donewrong... soon you can change your nickname to Doneright. Good luck to you guys.

 

Umm, I love your post, but I don't think "Done right" applies to either of us over the last few years. I am sorry to say that there is NEVER EVER EVER any justification whatseoever for cheating, not to my mind anyway. Donewrong's actions are certainly pointed in the right direction but they need to be. She knows the terrible mistake she made, the question will remain if she continues to feel "very lucky" each day.

[Surfer203]

I know.. just trying to be cute. Haha. Seems like you are both on a positive track though.

[What_Next]

I know.. just trying to be cute. Haha. Seems like you are both on a positive track though.

 

I wish I could agree. I cannot.

[Surfer203]

Hmm.. sorry to hear that. I guess it is too early on to really know what path you are both on. From what you guys describe though it is some what encouraging.

[Donewrong]

Another day!

 

I am trying so hard to be strong and be there for What_next.

Seems sometimes I don't say the right things or do the right things. I am trying! I am not the same woman I was 6 months ago - the woman who cheated. I see how much I hurt my husband and I want nothing more than to help that pain and anger go away. How to do that? I'm not sure what to do next. I think I am caring and compasionate, understanding, and loving. (although what_next maynot agree) My life is transparent so as to not add to any more of his pain. I just go each day trying to be the wife I never was and be there for him no matter what he is going through. It is going to be a long road..a hard road..I will NOT give up. Anyone in my position that could offer any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Surfer203]

I really admire what you are saying Donewrong. Again.. I am envious and wish my wife gave two s**** about my feelings and well being. She just cut the cord and is living her life now, I never even got a sincere reason or aplology for what she did.

 

You know it obviouslly, but it is getting to take some major work for your marriage to work but I get the impression that you are willing to put it in and that is nice to see!

 

Keep going!

[Donewrong]

Thanks Surfer.

[UnsureinSeattle]

I've read thru both your thread, as well as What Next's, and I honestly believe (you know, given that I'm just a guy reading about this, and I don't know either of you) that you are both trying your best. I hope you guys will fully be able to to mend your relationship...

 

...and just think, if you guys get thru this together, how strong your renewed bond will be. Something for you both to hope for, I would think. Best of luck to both of you.

[Dexter Morgan]

In case anyone didn't catch on to it, Donewrong is my wife. I commend her for coming on her and posting once again. Way back in the early stages of our marriage trouble she did come on here in the Divorce and Seperation section, but at that time I was not interested in reconciliation anyway.

 

I have told her about this place for a number of reasons, first and foremost because it and the LS community have been a fantastic resource to me and I want to feed back into it. Also I think Donewrong might give a perspective that is rare.

 

but don't you feel there is some sort of imbalance now? not that you would want to "even the score", but she got to go out and have her little fun, and have you give her a 2nd chance.

 

what would I expect of a woman if I gave them a 2nd chance? hmmmm....tough one. i think she'd have to swallow, at least once.

 

kidding (or maybe not)

 

honestly, I don't know what any woman could do to make it up to me. What she did would always be on my mind.