Very Lucky

[What_Next]

Dexter, you probably haven't read my thread (god knows many haven't; it's too freaking long), but after D-day (well actually before D-day as I knew she was having an affair) I began dating. I fell into a relationship, which I ended when I gave Donewrong her chance.

 

My intent was not to "even the score" well not entirely (I really don't know where my head was at), so there's little imbalance. If anything I wish I had of taken the higher moral road.

[Donewrong]

I feel so defeated today...My mind says I'm lucky -but my heart feels defeated.

[Dexter Morgan]

I feel so defeated today...My mind says I'm lucky -but my heart feels defeated.

 

how are you the one defeated? if you were defeated, it would be because your H wants to leave you. I am not getting that feeling from him.

 

if somehow you are referring to him holding your cheating over your head, as mentioned in another post, by building up his confidence...thats just something you are going to have to deal with.

 

one of the things most people are advised when finding out they are being betrayed is to work on themselves and their own well being. so if his confidence seems like a threat and that its being held over your head.....it might be that way for some people that have been betrayed, but I don't think it is that way for What_next.

 

you damaged him...he is healing, and his new found confidence is part of that. I was in his shoes, I know exactly what he is going through. I hit the gym more than usuall after d-day......and yes....cheating wife didn't like it.

[wicar1]

I was just like Donewrong... I have tried to reconcile with my ex-husband, but he is still very angry and unforgiving. I fear that he will never heal. He says that he is "not ready", and that he is in a "happy place" because nobody can ever hurt him again (he's living up the single, non-committed life). I poured my heart out to him in November, and he continues to tell me maybe in time, but not now. He's asked me to move on. Sigh...

 

-Since when did it became a rule for BS to forgive his cheating spouse.

-You cheated, BS has the show anger towards the cheater and to dump the cheater. This is normal.

[controlledchaos]

i haven't been where either you or your husband have been. so i don't really know all of the emotions and what not you're both going through. but i did want to offer some support.

 

do you journal? i think journaling can be very helpful when you have emotions you need to get rid of and have no real other way to rid yourself of them. just writing it all down can be very cathartic.

 

i do know the feeling of defeat....... having put a lot of love and effort into a 15 yr relationship with 5 kids, and having the man i love more than anything tell me to take my kids and leave, was definitely a period of defeat in my life. it's been almost 2 yrs now. march 2011 will be 2 yrs and honestly i'm still working towards breaking the surface. it's gonna take TIME! it was one solid year that i felt like i was still at the bottom making no upward movement. but this past 11 months the upward movement is there. not fast, but still moving.

 

i typed something out for you on your husband's thread. i'll get it and copy it here for you too.

[wicar1]

honestly, I don't know what any woman could do to make it up to me. What she did would always be on my mind.

 

I have the same thoughts...

[controlledchaos]

here's what i wrote on your husbands thread, for you to read.

 

DW, i agree, don't just read about what needs to change, DO IT! practice it! find a way to be happy with YOU alone. i never thought i could be happy without another person. i went from home to a relationship and marriage. i was never on my own, never lived alone, nothing even close. i figured i'd have to be with a man if my marriage didn't succeed and now i realize nothing is further from the truth!!! i'm alone and i've survived and i will continue to do so because *I* am making my life better. *I* am making my life what i want it to be. it's not about being ok WITH someone. it's about being ok with yourself! i would love to have married a man that wanted to fight for our marriage. for him to realize that he needed to fix things too. but i didn't. please realize what a blessing you have in this man.

 

he can admit he's made mistakes as well. he can agree to work on your marriage with you and give you another shot. and i am guessing he can do so without contempt. and he loves you!!! i really do hope you guys can work this out. don't just talk the talk, but make sure you walk the walk too!!!!

[Bittersweetie]

Hi Donewrong,

 

I am reconciling with my husband also. We are about a year since D-Day. The A was done a few months before that, but something came up and he found out. It was devastating. I knew I wanted to stay with him, but he was not so sure. We did not separate but it was very difficult at first. We also did not do MC, but we each did go to IC. I know some people say you must do MC but we decided to work on things ourselves and create "talk times" where anything could be shared. Those times were hard but necessary and ultimately helped. We still do them regularly.

 

I guess I just wanted to say that reconciling is a hard road but it can be worth it. Every day I am so grateful I was given another chance. He could have very easily kicked me to the curb. He may still choose to do that at some point. But I think that today we are moving toward being closer and stronger than before the A, by communicating and working together through the larger issues we had. That's not to say he is no longer hurt or angry about the choice I made or doubtful of my trust. He is, and I completely understand. He still may ultimately decide he cannot get past the hurt or anger or breaking of trust. But I know that I will have tried as hard as I could to be a better person and learn from my experience and work on our relationship not only for him, but also for me. Because I don't want to be in this position again, the pain I caused was devastating.

 

Good luck!

[What_Next]

I can understand why Donewrong was feeling defeated on the day she posted. She communicated the same to me. It was a down day.

 

Bittersweetie, your post was very heartfelt and I for one appreciate it. I also agree with you about IC versus MC. We are doing MC and honestly I am seeing little value and I won't be continuing it much longer. Donewrong was involved in IC but due to timing she has not followed up on it much. I hope she does because it is important.

 

It lifts my heart a little to read about a couple one year later. Since right now I am seriously doubting our ability to stay together. I can also empathize with you saying he is still angry and hurt, because I know I am and I will be for a long time to come.

[Dexter Morgan]

Donewrong and What_Next, congratulations to you both! It is so wonderful to see a happy ending like this!

 

I was just like Donewrong... I have tried to reconcile with my ex-husband, but he is still very angry and unforgiving. I fear that he will never heal.

 

he will heal, but only if you leave him alone. I know exactly how your husband feels and I can tell you he will heal but not if you keep trying to get him back. although it seems he wants to leave a door open, he really wants to move on himself and knows he cannot trust you.

 

it my opinion that a BS never truly heals unless they are no longer with the person that betrayed them. Ya, I know, there are exceptions, but healing in my opinion would be to never have to think about what the betrayer did to you, at least where the thoughts of what they did no longer hurt.

 

for me, they no longer hurt because I'm no longer with her. If I had stayed, the thoughts would hurt, therefore never truly healing.

 

So if you want your x-H to heal, leave him alone.

 

 

 

He says that he is "not ready", and that he is in a "happy place" because nobody can ever hurt him again (he's living up the single, non-committed life). I poured my heart out to him in November, and he continues to tell me maybe in time, but not now. He's asked me to move on. Sigh...

 

What_Next, I'm sure it was really hard for you to swallow your pride and try to push through the pain, difficult memories for the sake of your marriage. Wow... Donewrong, you certainly ARE a lucky woman!!

[Dexter Morgan]

I actually take offense to you suggesting I am making Donewrong lick my feet! That could not be further from the truth. That is the LAST thing I am doing. I am treating her with respect, dignity and showing her as much love as I am able to.

 

 

then you truly are a saint. to treat someone with respect that has doled out so much disrespect.

 

but please do NOT take this treatment of respect you have and let it turn you into a lapdog. If you are doing this, while standing firm on demands or expectations of behavior from her, then ok.

[What_Next]

Dexter there is little worry of me doing that. I am no lapdog, I NEVER was. Sure there for a little while during the early stages of this incident I acted defeated, but I am far from a lapdog. I am really trying my best to show her respect. Love and trust, honestly she is getting as much as I can muster. Trust wise that is virtually zero.

 

I do have firm demands of her and thus far she is exceeding every single one of them.

 

I am healing on my own pace in my own way. Donewrong knows that she must take what she can get. Besides if I am not giving her what she needs, then she must communicate that herself.

 

I suspect she will be along and update her thread soon from her own perspective.

[Distant78]

Don't forget, she's only doing this because you caught her. If you hadn't caught her then, who knows what it would've been now. Be careful dude and good luck.

[Dexter Morgan]

Dexter there is little worry of me doing that. I am no lapdog, I NEVER was. Sure there for a little while during the early stages of this incident I acted defeated, but I am far from a lapdog. I am really trying my best to show her respect.

 

well she didn't respect you. but I digress. if you are to give her respect, I think you are doing so way too soon. She has to earn it first. And based on your posts of the way you are feeling, she hasn't.

 

 

Love and trust, honestly she is getting as much as I can muster. Trust wise that is virtually zero.

 

then you aren't giving her respect. to say you don't trust someone is to put a negative on their character. there is no respect with that.

 

but I'm not really wanting to argue whether or not you actually are respecting her...just don't do it blindly, and don't offer it up when she doesn't deserve it.

 

 

I do have firm demands of her and thus far she is exceeding every single one of them.

 

well thats good.

[Dexter Morgan]

Don't forget, she's only doing this because you caught her. If you hadn't caught her then, who knows what it would've been now. Be careful dude and good luck.

 

and this is a very good point that you need to keep in mind WN.

[Bittersweetie]

Bittersweetie, your post was very heartfelt and I for one appreciate it. I also agree with you about IC versus MC. We are doing MC and honestly I am seeing little value and I won't be continuing it much longer. Donewrong was involved in IC but due to timing she has not followed up on it much. I hope she does because it is important.

 

It lifts my heart a little to read about a couple one year later. Since right now I am seriously doubting our ability to stay together. I can also empathize with you saying he is still angry and hurt, because I know I am and I will be for a long time to come.

 

Hi DW and WN,

 

There are good days and there are bad days. Yesterday was a particularly bad day for us. My H was feeling very hurt and angry. However last weekend was a very good weekend. It is a lot of ups and downs.

 

About counseling, I think IC is more important than MC. In IC each person can vent and work through their own thoughts and feelings. In lieu of MC I read a lot of books on relationships, marriage, affairs, etc. And then I would discuss them with my H. I also read a lot of books for myself addressing some of my own issues, like self-esteem and negative thinking and that. I became a library-aholic. But one of my H's requirements was to work on my issues, and I committed to doing so. I even attended group therapy for one particular issue, which was sooo worth the money I wish I'd done it years ago. Not that I'm now "fixed" but I am much more aware of myself and my thoughts and actions, which gives me hope that I won't ever descend into that pit of selfishness where I was before. I think that may tie into the whole words vs. actions thing...I say I won't do it again, but how does he know? I hope the fact that I'm examining myself and committed to becoming more aware will help my H see that.

 

I don't know if this helps but I was just thinking of you guys.

[What_Next]

Dexter, perhaps you are correct in saying I am not giving her respect because I don't trust her. Hard to say. I am trying my best to treat her the way she deserves.

 

Distant78 well I cannot argue with that.

 

Bittersweetie, another very helpful and ironically timely post. I am finished with MC entirely. Our second time with it and I'll not attend another MC session. One of my requirements was also for Donewrong to look inside her personality and work on the defects that allowed her to cheat in the first place. She has been playing lip service to this at best. Let's see how she does on an ongoing basis.

[Surfer203]

What_Next: Really? Two tries at MC and that's it for you? Maybe you just don't like your therapist. There has gotta be some one out there who will be more helpful. That's all I'm saying.

[Distant78]

What_Next: Really? Two tries at MC and that's it for you? Maybe you just don't like your therapist. There has gotta be some one out there who will be more helpful. That's all I'm saying.

 

Really? How much more does the guy have to go through? The guy was trying to reconcile with a wife who was cheating. His money on MC was wasted because his wife was cheating with another man at the time dude. He was gaslighted. I'm with What Next. Wouldn't waste anymore money on it either, especially since it rarely works. A BS doesn't have to reconcile with a cheater so if What Next decides to quit all of a sudden, it's well within his rights.

[Surfer203]

Dude.. I am going through the same s***. Don't question what I said. I think MC can help. If What_Next does not, then that is his call. Just stating my opinion.

[Distant78]

Dude.. I am going through the same s***. Don't question what I said. I think MC can help. If What_Next does not, then that is his call. Just stating my opinion.

 

If you were going through the same thing, you'd know that money is a waste on a cheater especially since he was gaslighted. I think I can question what ever I want. It never worked and hasn't now so why even bother to keep going.

[Surfer203]

Read my thread.

[Distant78]

Read my thread.

 

No, I don't want to.

[Surfer203]

Okay don't then.

[Bittersweetie]

MC is not for everyone, and I still think IC may be more important. Besides examining myself, in IC I also worked through how to talk to my H. For a long time I was always so afraid that what I said would not come out right or not be heard. Through IC I learned how to communicate more effectively. And in the group I learned about mirroring...have you guys heard of that? At first I thought it was some psychobabble but let me tell you, you try it and it's amazing. For both the speaker and listener. I tried it with my H without telling him, and afterward he was like, "That was one of our best talks." It's like taking listening to a whole new level.

 

Good luck to you both.