My BPD suffering ex wont leave me alone.

[angelboots]

Hi Im new to this site and basically i have joined it because i am so in need of advice and a place to vent.

 

I met my ex last year and all i can sum it down to is this has been one crazy making relationship. Firstly let me say i love this guy very much, he has a deep side that really rocks my world, but then on the other side he is mean, narcissistic, emotionally and mentally abusive and absolutely draining the life out of me.

 

He plays me hot and cold depending on hes moods and has absolutely broken me some how. He out of no where turned really nasty two months ago and posted a personal video of us on you tube entitled "for all the pain you have caused me" and accused me of being selfish and undescisive in regards to our relationship.

 

I know for a fact i have done nothing but be supportive and bend over backwards for him, i forgave him when he cheated, all the other times he dumped me, when he stood me up TWICE during big work events, he also makes the most ridiculous accusations like telling me i stood him up twice during two work events (he is unemployed so wth).

 

He has ended it and restarted it 8 times in a year and when he ended it two months ago i was absolutely devestaed. things had been going really well, infact better then ever for us and he had been stable and seemingly happy, then bang " welcome to dumpsville, population: you"

 

Any way i can now accept that he isn't worth my time anymore as i cant take the roller coaster ride of emotions and games anymore but he wont leave me alone and its dragging my pain out. He contacts me randomly when he feels alone or wants to flirt and fake apologize but then he is gone again. I dont know what to do to stop thinking and worrying about him. Am i doing the right thing but cutting my loses or does he genuinely want this but not know how to make it work because of hes illness? And how many times can i keep letting hes illness be the excuse for hes bad behavior?

[MorningCoffee]

Hi Im new to this site and basically i have joined it because i am so in need of advice and a place to vent.

 

I met my ex last year and all i can sum it down to is this has been one crazy making relationship. Firstly let me say i love this guy very much, he has a deep side that really rocks my world, but then on the other side he is mean, narcissistic, emotionally and mentally abusive and absolutely draining the life out of me.

 

He plays me hot and cold depending on hes moods and has absolutely broken me some how. He out of no where turned really nasty two months ago and posted a personal video of us on you tube entitled "for all the pain you have caused me" and accused me of being selfish and undescisive in regards to our relationship.

 

I know for a fact i have done nothing but be supportive and bend over backwards for him, i forgave him when he cheated, all the other times he dumped me, when he stood me up TWICE during big work events, he also makes the most ridiculous accusations like telling me i stood him up twice during two work events (he is unemployed so wth).

 

He has ended it and restarted it 8 times in a year and when he ended it two months ago i was absolutely devestaed. things had been going really well, infact better then ever for us and he had been stable and seemingly happy, then bang " welcome to dumpsville, population: you"

 

Any way i can now accept that he isn't worth my time anymore as i cant take the roller coaster ride of emotions and games anymore but he wont leave me alone and its dragging my pain out. He contacts me randomly when he feels alone or wants to flirt and fake apologize but then he is gone again. I dont know what to do to stop thinking and worrying about him. Am i doing the right thing but cutting my loses or does he genuinely want this but not know how to make it work because of hes illness? And how many times can i keep letting hes illness be the excuse for hes bad behavior?

 

Sorry for the pain and all the difficulty. You might get the book I Hate You, Don't Leave Me by J. Kreisman, which is about BPD and dealing with folks who are afflicted with it. You might find some useful stuff there.

 

Good luck -- it ain't easy.

[tlind]

Hi Im new to this site and basically i have joined it because i am so in need of advice and a place to vent.

 

I met my ex last year and all i can sum it down to is this has been one crazy making relationship. Firstly let me say i love this guy very much, he has a deep side that really rocks my world, but then on the other side he is mean, narcissistic, emotionally and mentally abusive and absolutely draining the life out of me.

 

He plays me hot and cold depending on hes moods and has absolutely broken me some how. He out of no where turned really nasty two months ago and posted a personal video of us on you tube entitled "for all the pain you have caused me" and accused me of being selfish and undescisive in regards to our relationship.

I know for a fact i have done nothing but be supportive and bend over backwards for him, i forgave him when he cheated, all the other times he dumped me, when he stood me up TWICE during big work events, he also makes the most ridiculous accusations like telling me i stood him up twice during two work events (he is unemployed so wth).

 

He has ended it and restarted it 8 times in a year and when he ended it two months ago i was absolutely devestaed. things had been going really well, infact better then ever for us and he had been stable and seemingly happy, then bang " welcome to dumpsville, population: you"

 

Any way i can now accept that he isn't worth my time anymore as i cant take the roller coaster ride of emotions and games anymore but he wont leave me alone and its dragging my pain out. He contacts me randomly when he feels alone or wants to flirt and fake apologize but then he is gone again. I dont know what to do to stop thinking and worrying about him. Am i doing the right thing but cutting my loses or does he genuinely want this but not know how to make it work because of hes illness? And how many times can i keep letting hes illness be the excuse for hes bad behavior?]

 

I had a friend that was the same way so I can't even imagine how it feels like to be in a relationship with someone like this.

 

Just read all the bolded out points, that should be enough to tell you your answer. Your emotional health is deteriorating around this person and you need to take care of you and do what's best for you!

 

Plus you should contact youtube to have that video removed if you haven't yet.

Edited December 3, 2010 by tlind

[angelboots]

thank you for you replies. I had it removed with in 15 mins of him posting it, thankfully i was awake doing a uni assignment when the notification came up on my computer screen. I am trying no contact but its hard when he brings out the emotional blackmail. I just hate how he is the one who keeps ending it and hurting me, then wants to come back as though i am hurting him.

 

I will definitely check out the book you have suggested. Its amazing to me how much he has hurt me with hes yoyoing and thats not even taking into account the fact he posted that video.

 

when he wanted to make it i was pleading with him not to because i had a gut feeling he would do something like that with it in one of hes "push me away" cycles. I do forgive him for it, i understand that when he is in that cycle he will lash out with out thinking and i constantly berate myself for NOT trusting my own instincts but that was when i stopped really holding out hope for him to " come good".

 

I just want to heal but i feel this isnt a normal break up senario, as something in me feels like its been completely depleted by him.

[tlind]

I just hate how he is the one who keeps ending it and hurting me, then wants to come back as though i am hurting him.

 

I've never been in a relationship with someone who has had BDP, but I've had a friend who was never "technically" classified with BDP, but I've often wondered about her. Either way, she had an abusive controlling personality (not sure if they are similar). She would always do this to me. She would hurt me and accuse me of untrue things, then turn it around on me. I was becoming emotionally depleted and started really getting down on myself, but had really good friends on the outside who saw the damage she was doing to me and expressed their concerns about her. I've since cut her out of my life and in the one month since doing so I've recharged my emotional mind and started feeling loads better about myself.

 

Its amazing to me how much he has hurt me with hes yoyoing and thats not even taking into account the fact he posted that video.

 

So, if you decide to stay with him, how long until he hurts you again? ...Mentally? ...Emotionally? ...How long until he hurts you the 2nd time?... The 3rd time? ...I'm seeing a pattern of abuse coming from him that probably won't stop any time soon. I don't know how BDP affects people but that is not a reason to allow him to continually hurt you and clearly affect your well-being.

 

when he wanted to make it i was pleading with him not to because i had a gut feeling he would do something like that with it in one of hes "push me away" cycles. I do forgive him for it, i understand that when he is in that cycle he will lash out with out thinking and i constantly berate myself for NOT trusting my own instincts but that was when i stopped really holding out hope for him to " come good".

 

Now I'm not sure what this video was about and I don't need to know, but the words "i was pleading with him not to" stick out. Nobody has the right to force or coerce anybody to do anything they don't want to. Not only that, but after this video was made he betrayed your trust by posting it online for the world to see (thankfully you had it removed quickly). He's cheated on you, verbally abused, emotionally abused, posted a private video online thus breaching your trust, and you've forgiven him for all this. Don't you think he's done enough to you?

 

I used to constantly and still do berate myself for going against my instincts, but once I started trusting them bad things stopped happening to me. They are there to keep you safe, to warn you that something just doesn't seem right about something or someone. Don't be to hard on yourself for not trusting them, we are all human and we all grow and learn. Start putting more of your trust into your instincts they won't lie to you!

 

I just want to heal but i feel this isnt a normal break up senario, as something in me feels like its been completely depleted by him.

 

You're at a crossroads and whatever path you take will be hard. Stay with him and continue to suffer, or cut your ties, find someone worthy of loving you and take some time for yourself to recharge and be happy? I'm completely assuming here but, when was the last time you actually smiled?

[angelboots]

I can honestly say i actually smile when he is the last thing on my mind, when i can focus on me My career is really picking up and i have a new job co hosting a morning radio program which i LOVE i am definitely ready for this to be over, it feels cold but for my own sake as of today i am going to switch from limited contact ( only replying when he initiates conversation, to not replying no matter how its worded or what he says)

 

The big thing i have come to realize is that there is really no helping someone with BPD unless they are high functioning and can accept that there is some thing wrong with their perception of reality. Ive read up on the illness before but today I REALLY did some research with out the rose tinted glasses and he seems to be a very low functioning sufferer, he never apologizes, always plays the victim but i never gave him cause to feel that way because i LOVED him, and he HATES himself, he turned it to hating me.

 

I still feel for him obviously,, but I am truly ready to break free and find someone who CAN actually love me in return completely. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, today has really been a wake up call for me xx

[tlind]

It's so very true. If you can't love yourself, you will never believe that anyone else can love you, and eventually your self hate will drive those closest to you away. I've been the self hater before so I know, now I love myself and it's amazing when you accept yourself as is, how much easier it is to let love in. You reap what you sow!

[hART]

BPD as in bipolar or borderline, because he sounds like he has both!

Mood swings are a bipolar thing, while attachment issues are a borderline thing. I useto keep contacting an ex when I was manic, the best thing to do is ignore him. If he threatens suicide, call 911, they can do much more than you can, plus this might be a way for him to get attention (a borderline thing, but a bipolar who is this unstable could be dangerous if you went to him alone). His apologies might be sincere, but if he is out of control of his behavior it might be hard for him to modify it. I wouldn't take any of his behavior personally and since it bothers you maybe dating someone that unstable isn't good for your health and well being.

[angelboots]

thank you for your reply hART, i was referring to borderline not bipolar... though come to think of it, my ex~ ex was bipolar and he seemed much more stable by comparison, actually he was the kindest man i ever loved and we were together for 4 years.. he was very careful with hes medication and not once in 4 years did he even call me a name...

 

We only separated because i had to go to university and he had children that he had 50% custody of locally and couldn't leave them.

 

Im at the end of day two no contact with "j" and im still doing ok, i have moments where i worry about him and miss him.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Am i doing the right thing but cutting my loses or does he genuinely want this but not know how to make it work because of hes illness? And how many times can i keep letting hes illness be the excuse for hes bad behavior?

 

YES you are doing the right thing. Please, please, please don't go back. It doesn't matter if he wants it but doesn't know how to make it work because of his illness ... you will still be destroyed.

 

ZERO times is the answer to your second question. I KNOW how hard this is. I have a lot of horrible experience with BPD in my life. You need to keep him cut off and realize with absolute certainty that you are in no way responsible for anything that he does or does not do. I expect he could threaten suicide. I hate to say that he could even try it or do it. Still STAY AWAY.

 

You probably know how difficult a person with BPD is to treat for therapists. Many won't work with patients with the disorder, as they frequently just turn all those behaviors towards the therapist, and have no accountability or even a concept of how they're responsible for their own misery. A person with BPD would have to REALLY want to be very different from how they are in order to do what would be needed to change. They rarely go there; it can happen, but it is very rare.

 

It's not their fault they have it, but it's on them to get better, if they want to. Like an alcoholic.

 

Take care of YOURSELF. A love relationship is supposed to enhance your life, not poison it. Reach for that. Your love can't save that guy.

[hART]

It must have been hard to let go... I have been called too nice before, sometimes you have to be honest and firm to be kind; which isn't usually nice. Stay strong and continue NC with this BPD, it is the only way he will get the message. You need to be strong and take care of yourself right now. I know it is easier to write then do, but it is what needs to happen.

[angelboots]

its only the end of day 5 NC... i feel like i am thinking of him less, but i still think of him, the fact he isn't trying to contact me either feels good, i have a feeling he has honed in on someone else, poor girl.

 

just one foot in front of the other right?

[Vesna]

Angel, I dissed a very dear friend of seven years a couple of months ago. He is a diagnosed schizophrenic and will not go to any lengths at all to try and be well.

 

It started with his personal hygiene, or lack of, which was nauseating. He was the only person who didn't notice it. He showered once last year and changed his clothes twice. He kept ruminating about his relationship with christina aguilera and how they were going to cut a mean cd together. The delusions were annoying me and what annoyed me more was that his family depended on me to maintain our friendship so that their own growing children could get some attention.

 

He turned up here very pissed and proceeded to tell me all about the end of the world and his part in engineering it. I told him that he was more drunk than I felt comfortable with so he smashed my living room. He doesn't remember any of it. I called the cops (the last time of four) and they took him home since they didn't think he needed to be hospitalized. I told them he needed to be sectioned.

 

In our country the mental health system is crap. A person has to be sitting on parliament house steps with a scalpel next to their jugular just to get the medical attention they need these days. I really feel for you and I understand your ambivalence as far as letting him go is concerned. I know it is hard but you must. I miss M but I am loving my life more and I have time for so many other people and activities. I know you love him but do you love yourself more?

 

 

That is the question you need to ask and answer for yourself. It sounds harsh and it is but you have one life - learn from this and live it well.

[hART]

"I called the cops (the last time of four) and they took him home since they didn't think he needed to be hospitalized. I told them he needed to be sectioned."

What do you mean by sectioned? That is crummy to put the responsibility on you >(

Accepting help is scary when in that state of mind, maybe he needs time to trust the system. Don't take any of his behavior personally, a chaotic head can lead to unpredictable behaviors.

I agree this country needs a complete revamping of the mental health care system. However, it wasn't long ago that crude practices were being forced upon us. For the short amount of time it has been manageable, psychologists and psychiatrists are doing pretty well. We also need to breed acceptance of the MI in the community, it sucks being misunderstood and persecuted for something that is out of my control.

[Vesna]

'sectioned' is a colloquial term for being hospitalized at the court's discretion.

[dreamingoftigers]

I can honestly say i actually smile when he is the last thing on my mind, when i can focus on me My career is really picking up and i have a new job co hosting a morning radio program which i LOVE i am definitely ready for this to be over, it feels cold but for my own sake as of today i am going to switch from limited contact ( only replying when he initiates conversation, to not replying no matter how its worded or what he says)

 

The big thing i have come to realize is that there is really no helping someone with BPD unless they are high functioning and can accept that there is some thing wrong with their perception of reality. Ive read up on the illness before but today I REALLY did some research with out the rose tinted glasses and he seems to be a very low functioning sufferer, he never apologizes, always plays the victim but i never gave him cause to feel that way because i LOVED him, and he HATES himself, he turned it to hating me.

 

I still feel for him obviously,, but I am truly ready to break free and find someone who CAN actually love me in return completely. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, today has really been a wake up call for me xx

 

I was diagnosed with BPD at the age of 22. My father has it too. BPD is layers of PTSD most often occuring in childhood. So your SO had a very messy childhood that has impaired his functionality (90%+ chance of this).

 

I was lucky. I hated my parents and everything they did to me enough to get treatment just to spite them.

 

I went through trauma therapy which reduced the symptoms and have been working on cognitive change as well as being medicated for underlying ADD to be able to make the cognitive changes that directly affect my quality of life. (And having to work on depression, yay).

 

I have lived a strange life, for years I lived a lost life. I also put my exes through a lot. I couldn't see what I was doing, to me they were hurting me and if I hurt them, it was because they were doing something (not giving me enough attention mostly).

 

But if they made a single intimate move it was the wrong one or not good enough or not genuine enough "you only did that so I wouldn't leave you, you only did that so you could prove me wrong."

 

Chances are the folks did such a number on him, he isn't going to know which way is up, that isn't your problem and you can't show him otherwise. Simply put at this stage in the game: he can't be shown and it can't be proven to him.

 

Leave, cut ties, abandon and feel no guilt. You cannot give him a compass to help him if he is blindfolded.

 

There are treatment options available. Let him know them if you feel so inclined, write him a letter outlining the behaviours he did and their affect on you. Let him know that no matter what you may have done he did affect you to the point where it wasn't liveable. If you are going to do that specifically let him know that it was not him personally that you couldn't deal with, it was the behaviour. Maybe even include a copy of "Sometimes I Act Crazy." It would be just about the most decent thing you could do for him. If an ex had done that for me, I would have been able to go through treatment faster or at least understand what was wrong with me somewhat.

 

Without treatment, he cannot see what he is doing to others. He simply can't. His mind will not process it. His frontal lobe does not make the connections (EMDR is great for this).

 

I guarantee he doesn't hate you, I really really guarantee that, Us BPD people love so deeply our hearts don't quit, we can't show it very well at all and we have nothing left to give anyone except grief. His emotions fy all over and he can't process them.

 

Every bit of anger and sexual impulse and sadness have flooded him in a way that he has no choice but to be reactive. It is a very toxic combination: high anxiety, desperation for love and acceptance, fear of being screwed over and controlled, hyper-sexuality completely flooding you and no way to reason through any of it.

 

It is such a different kind of existence that sometimes I have trouble describing it to others. I can only say that every bit of pain is magnified so close up, it is like seeing the world around you through an emotional microscope, so, so overfocused and so constantly hyper-vigilant and never knowing where your mind and heart will take you next.

 

The worst part is the suicidal bit because I knew that 95% of the time I would be okay. I could hold down a job for months or years and then, *poof* I would get flooded with despair and lonliness and impulsively try to kill myself. It wasn't cowardly, you literally can't see the end of your pain and you know that all roads lead back to your destruction because you have no control over whether you even want to live or die. Whatever life you build for yourself seems hopeless because you know that it is only a matter of time before you are dead or in the hospital because of a suicide attempt that you couldn't stop yourself from doing.

 

I hope that this hasn't been rambling. I hope it makes sense. It is brutal to watch someone suffer with it as well. (My Dad's a real treat, he likes to grab kitchen knives). But you must walk away from someone untreated and refusing treatment, you must. His behaviour is going to be reactive and crazy if you stay or go, and you must go.

 

I can see the destruction now in hindsight from my own insanity and truly, there is no benefit for putting up with it, it doesn't even comfort the BPD person very often because they are always waiting for the walls to fall in on them and you to betray them.

 

Good luck.