The end of an almost 10 year friendship?

[FearandLoathing]

[kinda long, sorry]

Hey everyone,

 

I was hoping you could give me some advice on a situation I'm having with my best friend of a very long time. This year I moved in with her and her boyfriend, I needed a change and they needed a roommate. Well it turns out that this situation just wasn't going to work out... they are complete slobs and I'm really neat and it just stressed me out to always come home to a mess. That's where it all started. Then, I got a boyfriend and I started spending some time with him (naturally) instead of all my time with her and her boyfriend. At the same time I also got a new job. She got upset with me because she accused me of spending all my time with my new boyfriend...

 

Fast forward to today, I've moved out (back to my mom's which happens to be where my boyfriend lives...he's a family friend) and she is barely talking to me. The reason why I moved out is because I didn't want to ruin our friendship by me getting all stressed out about our different living habits... my boyfriend says she probably thinks I moved out to spend more time with him and that now I'm completely ditching her.

 

I've told her so many times that no matter what living situation, I would not see her very often because of work and I'm not the kind of person who always wants to go out. Now she's all of a sudden best friends with a girl she thought was annoying and is even going to Florida with her in January. They post <3's and write on each others Facebook wall (stupid, I know but she's passive aggressive like this) how awesome they are...right where I could see it of course. Not only that but she's suddenly finding all this stuff I 'owe' her money for (at the time she had given it to me) and saying I have to pay her before she goes to Florida.

 

In all honesty... I don't want to lose my friend but I'm not sure I want to be friends with someone who is acting so ridiculous. I've tried to hang out with her and talk to her but she still acts like I've done something terrible to her. Should I try and resolve this or should I not even bother? It's so incredibly petty but incredibly frustrating at the same time.

 

What do I do LS

[djammin]

I was in a similar situation, but i just cut off the friendship. in your case you've been friends much longer, i would still try to talk to her, maybe she'll come around and realize that you were right. at least you moved out when you did. Try spending alone time with her. make a little bit of an effort to fix things (i know she probably is stubborn) just make an effort to try and if she never responds to it, then i would just cut her off completely til she realizes she misses you.

[Nfoney]

if she hasnt done anything to hurt you or your character, ruin your life, etc. then it is worth just talking to her and working it out. maybe given it a little time to cool down first. if its just about this "she thinks this" or "i think that" then that is not enough to just end a good friendship in my opinion.

[hART]

As someone who is messy and frequently has roommates.

Most people can't handle slobs, at least not in the common areas. Give it some time, let her cool down. Roommate situations can hurt friendships, but after ten years you two should be able to work it out and make some compromises. A friend of 10 years who hasn't done any major damage, is worth hanging on to. Hope it works out!

[FearandLoathing]

Well I've tried talking to her and everything and she insists that she's not mad at me or anything like that....but still mostly ignores me. Sometimes she sends me an odd random text about something but other than that, nothing. She's all about this other girl now and they're best buddies and everything so I think I'm just going to let the friendship go.

The only thing is that it's kind of hard for me to let it go since she was like the only friend I have to hang out with. I have a lot of acquaintances I guess but I don't really hang out with them...so it's like I'm giving up the only friend in the world.

 

It doesn't feel like I'm giving up on her though since she gave up on me already :/. I don't feel like I'm throwing away a long meaningful friendship because it was so easy for her to just find a replacement so whatever.

[whichwayisup]

The only thing is that it's kind of hard for me to let it go since she was like the only friend I have to hang out with. I have a lot of acquaintances I guess but I don't really hang out with them...so it's like I'm giving up the only friend in the world

 

You need to spend time with other friends, and aquaintances.. Putting all your eggs in one basket, having only ONE friend to confide in, hang out with isn't good for you, and it isn't fair to her either. It puts pressure on her, that she is "it" in your life. Hope this makes sense to you.

 

You two are still friends, she just doesn't want to spend all her time with you. She has other friends that are important as well..

[amerikajin]

Well I've tried talking to her and everything and she insists that she's not mad at me or anything like that....but still mostly ignores me. Sometimes she sends me an odd random text about something but other than that, nothing. She's all about this other girl now and they're best buddies and everything so I think I'm just going to let the friendship go.

The only thing is that it's kind of hard for me to let it go since she was like the only friend I have to hang out with. I have a lot of acquaintances I guess but I don't really hang out with them...so it's like I'm giving up the only friend in the world.

 

It doesn't feel like I'm giving up on her though since she gave up on me already :/. I don't feel like I'm throwing away a long meaningful friendship because it was so easy for her to just find a replacement so whatever.

 

1. Spend time with other people. Don't rely on just one good friend. It's easy and convenient to do that because you don't have to put energy into keeping up with other people, but it's not healthy. Friends can move. Friends can become busy. Friends can even die. Have more than one friend with whom you spend significant time.

 

2. Don't beat yourself up over this one friend. If someone is intentionally taking this in a personal way, then that is their choice. This exemplifies why you need more than one friend.

 

I've actually had friends get into little spats with me over trivial crap, and this is where having more than one good friend comes into play. If you sense someone is just being moody, then you just give them time and space to sort their crap out and start hanging out with people. You don't have to issue ultimatums or get in someone's face -- in fact it's critical that you don't unless someone is really crossing a line. But if someone stops responding to texts, then stop sending them and hang out with someone else and act like it's no big deal. Eventually, most of the ones who matter will sort themselves out and come back to your circle again.

[FearandLoathing]

You need to spend time with other friends, and aquaintances.. Putting all your eggs in one basket, having only ONE friend to confide in, hang out with isn't good for you, and it isn't fair to her either. It puts pressure on her, that she is "it" in your life. Hope this makes sense to you.

 

You two are still friends, she just doesn't want to spend all her time with you. She has other friends that are important as well..

 

The thing is, SHE was the one who ALWAYS wanted to spend ALL her time with me and now she's just ignoring me since I moved out.

 

1. Spend time with other people. Don't rely on just one good friend. It's easy and convenient to do that because you don't have to put energy into keeping up with other people, but it's not healthy. Friends can move. Friends can become busy. Friends can even die. Have more than one friend with whom you spend significant time.

 

2. Don't beat yourself up over this one friend. If someone is intentionally taking this in a personal way, then that is their choice. This exemplifies why you need more than one friend.

 

I've actually had friends get into little spats with me over trivial crap, and this is where having more than one good friend comes into play. If you sense someone is just being moody, then you just give them time and space to sort their crap out and start hanging out with people. You don't have to issue ultimatums or get in someone's face -- in fact it's critical that you don't unless someone is really crossing a line. But if someone stops responding to texts, then stop sending them and hang out with someone else and act like it's no big deal. Eventually, most of the ones who matter will sort themselves out and come back to your circle again.

 

In all honesty I'm not tooooo worried about her disappearing and whatever because it seems like we're growing apart anyway but now I don't know where to find new friends :/ It's not like I'm in school anymore or anything. Oh well, these things all work out in the end I find.

[michaljetson]

Do as your heart said to you .(2) Do not beat yourself up over this one friend. If someone deliberately taking this in a personal way, that's their choice. It is an example why you need more than a friend.