Any ideas? i feel lost

[Goodthings]

Hi

Right ive never done anything like this before, and my friends are all at work and i dont really have anyone i can call right now and im having a weak moment.

 

I was going out with this girl for around 18 months we broke up once before in april (her doing) because i was being a bit crazy with jealousy (shes in my hometown for uni, and when she goes back home her friendship involves two ex's which i found very hard to deal with.)

 

After that time i changed i started to get my jealousy under control and things were good again, we broke up for around three weeks but in that time i thought i had a big chance to get her back i tried going no contact then and couldn't do it but eventually when i saw her she realised she wanted to be with me.

 

So now she has done it again (3 weeks today) and this time i am finding it very hard to cope, her reasons were we were arguing too much, i was immature and because of this she wasn't happy.

 

About three days before we broke up we agreed to give each other some space, I went to see her after not seeing her for around a week and she said she was willing to work it out, but slowly. With a date penciled in for around a week's time (i found this difficult in itself as we would see each other 3-4 times a week with me staying at her place).

 

That night she rang me saying some friends were coming in a few days and that she would like me to be there, as they were a couple she thought it would be nice if we went out to dinner as a four, at first i was really happy as she reached out to me, but then i spoke to some friends got some bad advice and the next day i rang her to tell her i didnt think i wanted to go, as she didnt want to see me, but because a couple are coming it would be easier to see me.

 

I regret this so much, because the next day she broke up with me saying the dinner was important to her and that she wasnt using me, she just wanted me there because she loved me.

 

I was crushed, still am, its three weeks today it happened and in that time ive chased and chased, told her i loved her, bought presents, everything! I know this goes against the rules of getting back together but i've found it so hard not to ring.

 

A few times when ive rung she's said shes finding it really hard but its for the best, and at first she wanted to stay close, we've been out a few times and every time had a great time, but at the end of those times ive asked for another chance and each time she's said maybe we shouldnt go out as friends anymore.

She has said she missed me on more than one occasion, however yesterday things took a turn for the worse, i rang asking for the reasons why we she broke up with me, and she got mad, asking me not to ring her again that day, i said sorry and hung up.

 

Later the same day i went on her facebook page and saw flirty comments from her ex, (the one i had a massive problem with) and i rang her, she said it was none of my business and that i was acting like she still belonged to me, i said it wasnt that she was speaking to her but the nature of the comments suggested she spoke about me to him, she said this defiantly wasn't the case and that she never would talk about me in a bad way to anyone, after all the time we spent together.

 

Sorry it was so long, i just feel really lost and depressed, I love her so much and now after last night, she said doesn't love me anymore and she doesn't miss me, i know i made mistakes but i also know this time without her has made me realise that.

 

I know i havnt gone more than a day without no contact and that is what everyone has said to do in order for her to miss me, however in about two weeks she is going home for christmas for three weeks, where this ex will be and it is driving me crazy, i am convinced they will hook up in that time and i am losing sleep over it.

 

Someone please help i feel so lost!

[Snowdrop]

The only thing you possibly can do is not contact her. If you continue to contact her, she will really start to think badly of you and not be able to see any of the good things you had together. No contact will definitely let you both think about everything- she will have a different perspective and you will too. But you need to prepare yourself for the fact that you may not get back together and start trying to live for yourself. If she does go back and sleep with her ex then there's nothing you can do, it should only make you see that you shouldn't want to be with someone who does something like that. It's really hard to accept, but people just can't control the actions of other people- she'll do what she wants, but if you don't contact her, she should respect you more and maybe think if/before she does anything.

[Don_da_Ho]

Bro, Bro, Bro. Yes, you went about it all wrong. Sounds like you're young and a bit inexperienced with relationships. Regardless, you have to learn to get your emotions in check. You have to understand that being or trying to be controlling is never going to work with a woman. It pushes them away.

 

Insecurity => less attraction. Controlling => less attraction. Jealous => less attraction. All of this shows her that you are not a MAN. Women want a man. You're acting like a little boy and a weenie. The other part you have to understand is that a woman will do what she wants. IF she wants to sleep with her Ex, there is NOTHING you can do. All the controlling, stalking behavior in the world isn't going to change this. I learned that one the hard way. All you can do is be a secure MAN. That may help them not to go astray, but again, people will do what they want.

 

NO you should not contact her anymore. NO you should not contact her before Christmas even if she's going away for 3 months. IF she is going to hook up with her Ex, there is nothing you can do. If you try to "intervene" you will only push her further and further away. I don't care if you have to work out or jog 24/7, write her letters that you will never send, hook up with a prostitute, get drunk every night or whatever. Just do not contact her. Keep us posted.

[Banega100]

Don, A little help over here.

 

How do you distinguish between controlling and dominant/leadership behaviour

 

Cos i like to tell her what to do, like put a coat on its cold, or get away from the road. Come here etc etc

 

But at what point does it become controlling? and what are examples of controlling behaviour?

 

cheers man

[Don_da_Ho]

Bro, you talking about your dog or your GF?

 

I think when you're telling them they can't have friends, can't go out with the GFs for a girl's nite out, who they can talk to and so on that you're controlling them. Some insecure women may be ok with it but most confident women would not. I tell my GF she has to walk 10' behind me out in public, but she never listens!

[hoping2heal]

Why are you running around hunting down a girl who doesn't even like you any longer? Here is the thing. When a woman is in love with a man, there is a lot of BS she will put up with. In some cases...that's a bad thing. In other cases, it's good because men and women alike can all be jealous, insecure, insensitive, argumentive, and forgo "important dinners". We don't all just throw the baby out with the bath water quite that easily.

 

Seriously, find someone who likes you.

[Banega100]

Bro, you talking about your dog or your GF?

 

I think when you're telling them they can't have friends, can't go out with the GFs for a girl's nite out, who they can talk to and so on that you're controlling them. Some insecure women may be ok with it but most confident women would not. I tell my GF she has to walk 10' behind me out in public, but she never listens!

 

In my defence i do it in a light hearted way !

Right, well i don't do any of that other business. I might chill a bit though on the instructions...

 

haha !

[Don_da_Ho]

Banega, WTH, you know the difference between being a leader and being controlling.