33 and having a huge crush on a guy...

[highlibidolady]

I'm supposedly in a LDR with a guy (the whole story is here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t241416/ ) but he has made basically no effort at all to keep in contact with me and admits he has been lazy and done basically jack all. That, combined with some other "niggly feelings" about him before (personality traits that I don't think I could live/deal with on a day to day basis)... well, we still "talk" (online) but I admit I have absolutely zero feelings for him and it's been like this for many weeks.

 

I moved overseas about 2 months ago and in that time since starting my new job I started to develop a crush on a guy I work with. I only see him 2 days a week and only at night. He is polite to me and will talk to me if I talk to him but never really initiates anything. I figure he is rather shy/quiet/private as he acts the same towards everyone as in he's not that talkative, and a bit aloof.

 

However, the times that I have talked to him he's been a perfect gentleman and nice and friendly etc but won't ever offer anything more in terms of conversation (details about his life, family, etc)... If I ask he'll answer but he never really offers any personal information. I asked if he had a Facebook and he said No, but I know that he does because early on in the piece when I first came I borrowed his laptop and it came up when I started typing in the URL in the address bar... I mean I don't care if he doesn't want to share his FB with me but why lie about it?

 

I admit it's rather frustrating. I think he knows that I like him but I can not be sure either way if he likes me or not. I'm not sure if he doesn't like me at all (romantically) or is just playing it cool or is just really shy... it could be anything and too early to tell I guess.

 

However I have not really had a crush on someone like this since I was a teenager and in high school! So it feels kind of surreal. I think about him all the time and look forward to when I'll see him again (twice a week).

 

I don't want to seem pushy or anything so I've just kinda backed off now. I don't know if anything will ever come of it... but I just think about him all the time. In fact I think my jaw even dropped the first time I met him and that has NEVER happened with anyone I've met before.

 

I'm not even sure if this is worth pursuing though or am I just wasting my time?

[tylo]

It's possable that the guy could be love-shy. If he is you will have to do the initiating and you will have to take things slow as to not scare him away. Love-shy men are not like other guys so you can't expect them to act the same way.

 

If you like him. Don't give up on him.

 

 

[Ross PK]

It seems like there's a decent chance he isn't interested since he doesn't want to share Facebook with you.

 

The reason why he'd lie about not having it is because it's easier than saying, 'yeah I have facebook', and then saying 'I don't want to contact you or for you to contact me on it' when you try to message him or ask him to message you.

[zebracolors]

Im not saying you should not continue to associate with the guy, you work where he does so its kind of hard to avoid him. But Ross had a pretty good reason to suspect that this guy probably does not feel the same.

 

However there is another issue I think you should address and before you do anything else. Decide what you really feel about the guy ın your LDR. If you really don't feel hım anymore then ıt shouldnt be hard to decıde to officıally end it. And even though he does not keep regular contact, at least let the guy know ıts over even ıf all you can do tell him in an email. If he was feelıng the same then ıt wıll not be a huge deal. If ıt ıs, then the LDR guy deserves the truth.

 

Personally I think it is a 'grass is greener' situation. This guy at work gives you attention that the you don't always get in the LDR? Not sayıng there ıs anythıng wrong wıth ıt though, ıts what you feel. As for guy at work, just keep your ınteractıon wıth hım frıendly and maybe he wıll open up more, maybe not.

[highlibidolady]

Thanks Ross and Zebra.

 

I have already told my LDR boyfriend my feelings, many weeks ago. We are both open and honest with each other. He also said he felt the same and so we decided to call it off although of course we still care about each other, but with no physical contact or face to face talk, we're just both finding it really hard to keep those feelings.

 

I think you're probably right and I didn't want to admit it. However I do also agree it's probably too early to tell or maybe he is just super shy and/or secretive. Or he just keeps his private life and work life very very separate. It could be anything I guess. *sigh*

 

I don't think I'll pursue anything. If he really wants to talk to me then I'm sure he can initiate sometimes. I just feel like I'm doing all the work, even if I was NOT interested in him romantically, I mean. To even establish a basic friendship.. hard to explain, he IS friendly but like I said he seems very quiet/shy and reserved too.

[DuskCrush]

Well the facebook thing is a clear sign of disinterest.

Are you sure he is on there?

Did you check his name?

[runner]

sounds like he might be the shy/loner type, happy with the way things are, possibly even dating someone, and probably just doesn't immediately make the connection that someone new wants to get to know him better. my advice to you would be to not invest anything into this in terms of a crush, continue to be friendly to him in an easy going way (no expectations), and just see how this develops. in the meantime, go develop a crush on someone else.

[highlibidolady]

I do think he's the shy type however I don't think he's a loner. For all I know he could have a very active social life outside of work.. I just don't know.. I think he is opening up though (both to me and the others we work with). Last night we spoke a lot more and he even made a funny joke about me...

[highlibidolady]

I think my instincts were right... he is perhaps just the 'shy type' and takes longer to get to know and warm up to someone.

 

After dinner we have to go to another building and he has never walked alongside me which I thought was weird... we usually end up walking behind or in front of one another... So I just walked really fast (as it's rather cold outside) and he was behind me but I did not know exactly how far away... all of a sudden I hear loud footsteps and he's walking really quickly to get to the door of the other building before me, so that he can open the door for me! That, had never happened before...

 

Then, after, we actually had a decent-length conversation and he finally opened up to me Well at least he told me about his family and friends etc and asked me about mine... hmm... He also continue to make funny jokes about me...

 

Most people have asked me how long I am staying here for (since I moved to a whole other country far away) but he's the FIRST person to ask me if/when I am coming back! (which I thought was interesting)...

 

I am happy but I know not to get ahead of myself. At least the fact that he is opening up makes me happy as I do want to just get to know him better as a friend at least.

 

Oh and I asked him again about Facebook and I do think that he actually doesn't have one as he admits he's not really an internet type of personality, he just uses it for basic stuff like email and checking up on the weather/news etc.

Edited December 10, 2010 by highlibidolady

[highlibidolady]

I think I was right all along.. he is just a bit shy. He told me this himself! Also he started work here 1 month before me, yet I know our colleagues better than he does. I guess I am more social. But anyway I do really enjoy his company and he seems to enjoy mine. I'm trying not to get ahead of myself...

 

... any other advice?

[highlibidolady]

Anyone?

What do I do now? I had a dream about him last night...

 

I'm out of town for Christmas holidays for 10 days. Do you think it would be weird of me to ask him if he wants to do something when I come back? I'm feeling a bit anxious in case he says no. I do get a feeling he likes me...

 

I texted him a few weeks back and he never replied. I needed to borrow something off him and he left it on my desk for me (we wouldn't bump into each other so he couldn't give it to me in person). However he didn't reply to my texts to confirm he'd be doing this beforehand, nor to my text to say thanks after.

 

Then the other day I asked him about it (as I was dying to know why he ignored them as it seemed kind of rude to me )and he admitted he's not too good with technology (hence the no Facebook thing) and that he's on some phone plan where he can only make calls... and he doesn't really reply to anyone's texts! I guess he probably just prefers speaking face to face or voice to voice. I'm guessing he's probably not an email type either.

 

So I really want to see him (without the other co-workers around for a change) but not sure how to do this... I'll have to muster up the courage to call him I guess?

[zebracolors]

I really have to say that based on his actions, there is a strong possibility that he never replied to your texts because he ıs just not ınterested, because if he was, don't you think he would ask for a number to call you since as you say, he can only call out from his phone. For your sake I hope I am wrong though.

 

Though If you are sure you want to take the risk, despite the possibility that he is not interested in more than casual aquaintance, I would say just be straight forward with him.

 

Just ask if he wants to go out for coffee or something like. Presuming he is not already aware of how you feel, you don't want him to feel pressured to do anything so be vary casual about it. Maybe he will appreciate the in-person invite very much and then who knows. But also be respectful if he should refuse.

 

best of luck:)

[sammyd]

Hiya,

I'd say the same, just see if he wants to grab a coffee or something, keep it casual:)

Would be better in person probably, rather than over the phone:)

 

Doesn't everyone have like free texts nowadays? That's my only niggling doubt. Maybe you could offer to teach him how to text when you have coffee!!

[highlibidolady]

Thanks for your thoughts. As I said somewhere earlier, I moved to a new country (in Europe!) so I'm not really sure myself how 'the system' all works here with the various telecommunication companies... I do realise there is the possibility that he's not interested.. but I guess I just want to know for sure if he is or not so as not to waste any more of anyone's time. We'll see how it goes...

 

Happy holidays everyone!

[highlibidolady]

I forgot to add ... I can't ask him in person since we're both on Christmas holidays now so I won't see him at work and I have no idea where he lives (not that I'd just turn up on his doorstep or anything anyway!)

[mohdhm]

that guy sounds just like me (including the no facebook part). i'm glad you were patient with him. He is busting on you which is a good sign. where in europe are you by the way? i hear in germany dating a co-worker is frowned upon because it is not professional.anyway it looks like you already know the course of action you are going to take, good for you. hope it works out.

[DuskCrush]

I'm sorry --it's coming across to me as he's not interested and is blowing you off.

All his responses sound like excuses.

He know you like him and is flattered by the attention but it seems clear that he isn't interested in pursuing a relationship with you.

If he really had a crush on you he would jump at the opportunity to find somewhere to connect---and you're making it really easy for him. You even texted him twice.

He has a phone plan where he can receive texts but not send any??

If he liked you/had a crush in return ---he would learn how to do texts...he would make time for FB.

[Ross PK]

I wish a girl would have a crush on me. I'm 35 and it's never happened in my life.

[Ross PK]

I even wish I had a female stalker.

[highlibidolady]

Actually, I had another thought which seems very plausible why he's not interested in pursuing anything (if that is indeed the case)... because he asked me about it during the longest conversation we ever had.

 

I think maybe if he IS interested he's a bit hesitant to start anything because he thinks I'm not coming back. Heck, I don't even know if I'm coming back here yet... I'm going back home mid next year... he asked me: when I was leaving the country, if/when I was coming back, etc... and questions along those lines...

 

I have a strong suspicion if he IS actually interested that he may be hesitant for that very reason.

 

If he is not, so be it. I will be a little disappointed I guess... but that's life.. however I won't know for sure unless I do something else to find out..?!? arrguhhhhh this is just doing my head in now.

[highlibidolady]

Mohdhm - thanks. Actually I don't know what course of action I'm going to take... well I did have a plan but now I'm thinking of doing nothing

 

Duskcrush - you could be right and what you said reminds me of that book and movie "He's just not that into you" (which I've seen/read).. However.. I was just reading the reviews on Amazon (I was curious about what other people thought) and found this about shy guys..

http://www.amazon.com/review/R2KPATEAFOOVMF/ref=cm_cr_dp_cmt?ie=UTF8&ASIN=141690977X&nodeID=283155&tag=&linkCode=#wasThisHelpful

 

and now I'm all confused again!

[shayan]

are you frigging serious we only regret the things we don't do, yes the things we don't do! This guy may like you and you're too afraid to ask him because of rejection. Who the ef cares if he rejects you then you can move on with your life. And you guys are sitting here analysing his every behavior, when in reality it is impossible to ber certain what anyone is thinking.

 

Go forward and be brave you'll be happy with yourself either way it goes. But it'll suck if you pass up something nice because you're afraid what he will think.

[DuskCrush]

Hilibidolady - well I'm not in the situation and of course I maybe wrong.

In the long run--> it is better to do something!

Don't spend another minute living in your head and analyzing things.

Give him and opening ---if he takes it -> GREAT

If he doesn't -- wait 2 weeks and then pretend to have a boyfriend--LOL!

Be brave.

Good luck.

[highlibidolady]

Well I finally found out some things..

 

He DOES know how to text / or his phone knows how to text (whoever said it, yes it was probably an excuse before because maybe he was hinting that he was not interested in me... )

He does know how to call me.

 

He is still nice to me, but he isn't interested in me in 'that' way. I didn't ask him outright but his reaction to some things I said... I am disappointed but I'll get over it. It is just sux because I still have to see him at work 2-3 days a week and I've still got the hots for him

[runner]

now that you have your answer, the crush thing should subside given some time. but that doesn't mean you can't still have the hots for him- if anything, just accept it and possibly even have fun with it (tactfully of course). in the meanwhile, go find some other guy to bone.