Guys: thoughts on young(20's) single moms

[Woggle]

Men are responsible for birth control as well. I completely understand why a woman would not want a man with a bunch of baby mammas. I wish more women were as pragmatic and logical in their dating approach as many men are because it save them a world of heartbreak.

[sally4sara]

My husband use to be of the mind that single mothers were not the best match for him. He didn't (and still doesn't) want to biologically become a father. Which is great for me because having another kid became a high risk of fatality situation for me after I had my son just before my 24th bday.

He had very little experience around kids beyond the few times he had to help his mother at the school she works at. Chaperoning a couple field trips with her when he was 18-19, that sort of thing. Having most of your exposure to small kids consist of dealing with them in large groups can give a bad impression about parenting in general to a young adult.

 

My son was turning 7 when my husband and I began to see each other. I initially didn't think he was someone for the long haul. I'm pretty sure he didn't think of me in the long term initially either. For this reason, I didn't have him around my son at all for a long while. When it became obvious that we were more compatible than first guessed, he began to ask questions about my boy. We had many friends in common who had been around my son and had told him he was a well behaved, enjoyable kid. He stopped by a couple of time to drop something off or pick up something he'd left at my place. So their first interactions were after almost a year of dating and limited to a few minutes or during kid friendly social situations.

 

I could see someone, male or female, who has no children being put off by dating someone with kids if the situation was of full on exposure right from the beginning. No one knows early in a relationship if things are going to work out so having the kids in the mix from go is a high pressure situation. You'd worry (at least I would anyway) about the kid getting attached before you even know if you want to be in their life in that capacity.

I could also see anyone, male or female, not enjoying ill behaved children. But this would be true even of people who are already parents themselves. If the kids were awful you have to figure its going to be something you have to deal with if you try for a relationship with the parent. Besides, it wouldn't be smart to build a relationship with someone who lacks whatever parenting skills you think are best.

 

But for anyone who does one day want children of their own, being able to see how the person they're interested in rears their own kids can help you assess if you are compatible in this way. If you marry someone who has no kids and you have no kids, you run the risk of only finding out how mismatched your parenting ideals are AFTER you have a kid with them. Too late; the kid is already created and now you have at least 18 years of battling about how to raise it.

 

About two years ago, one of his closest friends became a dad. Despite that the kid was unplanned, he has really taken to the whole parenting thing. He too was one of those who felt he might one day when he was older want kids, but definitely didn't want them now if ever. He came to visit us and brought his then one year old son along. He is a chef and was making dinner so I took watch of the boy for him.

After the visit was over my husband asked me if I wanted another kid. I have no inclination to take the risk for myself, but I'd be willing if my husband really really really suddenly wanted to have a kid. He and my son have an awesome relationship and he is compatible to me in parenting styles. The effect of him being in my son's life has been far and away a blessing. All of his old friends are tickled over how well he has taken to being a father and we can all see how much pride he derives from it. They find it funny and sweet because he use to be so outspoken about not wanting kids.

 

However, he was just checking if I wanted one because he watched me enjoying our friend's little boy. I did enjoy it, but only because I knew the kid was going home eventually. But it was nice to know that my husband approves of my parenting skills enough that he'd change his stance on wanting a baby with me if I wanted to as well.

[Stung]

I dont care what a girl tells me, I am wearing the condom always. I can break out the condom, but you always have these methods.

 

Contraceptive Sponge

Diaphragm

Cervical Cap

Cervical Shield

Female Condom

Hormonal shot

The Pill

Vaginal ring

Barrior methods

The Patch

IUD

Spermicides

 

Now with some of the options I just listed, there is no excuse for a female that does not want to have a baby, to get pregnant. Is there?

 

If a female does not want to have a baby she will use any of those methods to avoid pregancy, yes? If you are not avoiding pregnancy you are wanting to have a baby.

 

 

I think it's for the best that men always use condoms and take responsibility for doubling up on birth control. After all, all reasonable people know that none of the above methods of birth control are 100% and infallible. If a man does not choose to always wear condoms to prevent pregnancy even when his partner is on the pill or using a diaphragm also, obviously he wants a baby.

[Stung]

 

 

But for anyone who does one day want children of their own, being able to see how the person they're interested in rears their own kids can help you assess if you are compatible in this way. If you marry someone who has no kids and you have no kids, you run the risk of only finding out how mismatched your parenting ideals are AFTER you have a kid with them. Too late; the kid is already created and now you have at least 18 years of battling about how to raise it.

 

.

 

That's true. I was pretty sure I wanted to have a child at some point, and it was nice to be able to see my now-husband in action with kids while we were dating. I got to see what kind of a father he was, i.e. a GREAT one, and it was one more thing I found majorly attractive about him. I also got to see his overall amicable post-breakup relationship with his exgf as they negotiated custody and support issues, and how honorable he was and dedicated to keeping his daughter in his life as much as possible. I don't have any doubts about his character.

[harmfulsweetz]

I think the older the man, the more likely he'll date a single mother. Because in that age range (say 30s) it may be more probable that a woman will have a child. A child IS baggage, like it or lump it really. Men in their 20s, will often not choose to date a single mother. Sad, but true.

 

Put it this way: If you met two great guys, who you liked equally, one had a kid (you don't in this hypothetical scenario) and one didn't. Most people would choose the one without the child. Simply because it means the ex won't be in the picture, you're free to do what you want when you want (outside of work etc) money etc.

 

I have a friend who is 23, with two children. Single. She dated this guy for a long time (he wasn't the father), he'd just gotten a house for them, and adored her little girl to bits (at the time she only had one child.) She dumped him. He was left heartbroken, not only had he lost his girlfriend, but he'd lost her little girl too, someone he had accepted, and loved, and cared for as his own. I'm not saying he was an angel, but it takes a big man, a good man to so willingly stick around where another man didn't and take responsibility for another man's child.

 

I think what I'm saying is that any man that gets involved, and so openly accepts and bonds with the children, could land themselves in utter heartbreak if it all goes kaput. It's a fact with any relationship, but it's a double whammy in these cases.

[sally4sara]

You are basing your opinion on anecdotal evidence from your female boss?

 

Really? You chose to type that?

 

Why shouldn't she? Her boss is voicing what her collective experiences with employees showed.

You base your own opinion on a single experience with one single mom despite the wide variety of attitudes found even among people in similar situations.

Ever had a crappy boss? Did you then decide you'd never hold a job again?

Your own logic would have people who struggle with reading remaining illiterate. Gymnasts quitting the first time they fell. The Wright brothers would have never achieved flight with your brand of "logic".

 

In light of your style in passing judgment on others, I agree it is best (for the mom and the kid) that you stay away from single moms. I'm sure not posting to encourage you to do otherwise. I am posting because your logic isn't sound enough to invalidate the opinions of others.

[musemaj11]

I think the older the man, the more likely he'll date a single mother. Because in that age range (say 30s) it may be more probable that a woman will have a child. A child IS baggage, like it or lump it really. Men in their 20s, will often not choose to date a single mother. Sad, but true.

Its not sad, its logical.

 

As u said, even childless women wont marry fathers if they had other options.

[harmfulsweetz]

Its not sad, its logical.

 

As u said, even childless women wont marry fathers if they had other options.

 

It is sad for the OP, though.

 

Then again, I'm also sure there are guys out there who will. It's just less likely.

 

I just think that naturally things are more tricky when you put kids in the picture.

[Stung]

 

As u said, even childless women wont marry fathers if they had other options.

 

That's not exactly what she said. She gave a hypothetical in which the two men were exactly equal and the woman choosing between them liked them exactly the same.

 

I had options, plenty of them. Pretty good options too, overall. I chose the guy with the kid , because I fell in love with him.

[harmfulsweetz]

That's not exactly what she said. She gave a hypothetical in which the two men were exactly equal and the woman choosing between them liked them exactly the same.

 

I had options, plenty of them. Pretty good options too, overall. I chose the guy with the kid , because I fell in love with him.

 

 

Exactly. In my scenario, it was an equal like of each, but I also think if I fell for a guy with a kid, I'd date him.

[veggirl]

Speaking as a female, I don't want kids - ever. Therefore, I am not going to bother dating a guy who has kids. I have tried it twice and it was annoying both times. Both of them had a young daughter and each time it was just irritating. I won't date a guy who has any kids again. I don't fault anyone for not wanting to date someone who has kids...

[Stung]

Speaking as a female, I don't want kids - ever. Therefore, I am not going to bother dating a guy who has kids. I have tried it twice and it was annoying both times. Both of them had a young daughter and each time it was just irritating. I won't date a guy who has any kids again. I don't fault anyone for not wanting to date someone who has kids...

 

Hey, I don't fault people for that either. Everyone is allowed their preferences, IMO--and if you don't like kids you don't like kids, that's cool. It's obviously better for you to not get involved in a kids' life, if that's the case.

 

I for one have not been addressing that aspect at all. I just think it's both lame and fallacious when people start painting all single mothers as having negative characters, or characterizing all step-parenting relationships as awkward and burdensome.

[frizzo]

Why on Earth would ANY sane man want to date a single mother? She obviously feels that men are disposable and unimportant for one. There's also a HUGE risk of false-accusations by kids who want to punish mom or try to force the parents back together by running the new guy off. And just why in the hell is a single mom DATING?? For f*** sake, spend the time with your child and not out clubbing and sleeping around! You made this bed of manure, you sleep in it - don't just leave your child alone in it while you jump from bed to bed! Jeeze!

[sb129]

Very funny.

 

A single mom only has two options:

 

1. Another single dad.

2. A very desperate guy.

 

 

Females have at least a dozen methods. If females did NOT want to have a baby they would implement those methods without question.

 

There is only ONE recognised BC method that also protects from STDs.

 

If a man doesn't wear a condom, and gets an STD, he must have wanted an STD>

 

Any man, in the face of not wanting a child, should not rely on the word of their sex partner. Whether or not a woman says she is on the pill, you should be doing what you have control of in avoiding an unplanned pregnancy. To do otherwise is foolish.

 

You are basing your opinion on anecdotal evidence from your female boss?

 

Really? You chose to type that?

 

Sigh. Actually, I was just trying to say something positive to the OP in the midst of all the nastiness.

 

My opinions on this thread are also based on the fact that I am a parent, my boss is a parent, before I got married I used to date a guy who was a parent, I know lots of parents etc etc.

 

I would like to think that if something happened to my marriage, that there would still be a chance for me to have another relationship.

 

I know a woman who has two young children, and her husband died last year. Seems a little unfair that she should live out the rest of her life alone because her husband had the misfortune to get cancer.

 

 

Why shouldn't she? Her boss is voicing what her collective experiences with employees showed.

You base your own opinion on a single experience with one single mom despite the wide variety of attitudes found even among people in similar situations.

Ever had a crappy boss? Did you then decide you'd never hold a job again?

Your own logic would have people who struggle with reading remaining illiterate. Gymnasts quitting the first time they fell. The Wright brothers would have never achieved flight with your brand of "logic".

 

In light of your style in passing judgment on others, I agree it is best (for the mom and the kid) that you stay away from single moms. I'm sure not posting to encourage you to do otherwise. I am posting because your logic isn't sound enough to invalidate the opinions of others.

 

Thanks S4S. Nice post. I think we have to remember that 20 something men aren't often the most logical contributors to this kind of subject... allowances can be made.

[musemaj11]

 

Thanks S4S. Nice post. I think we have to remember that 20 something men aren't often the most logical contributors to this kind of subject... allowances can be made.

For obvious reason.

 

Unlike desperate old men, most 20-something men have a lot more options.

[sb129]

Why on Earth would ANY sane man want to date a single mother? She obviously feels that men are disposable and unimportant for one. There's also a HUGE risk of false-accusations by kids who want to punish mom or try to force the parents back together by running the new guy off. And just why in the hell is a single mom DATING?? For f*** sake, spend the time with your child and not out clubbing and sleeping around! You made this bed of manure, you sleep in it - don't just leave your child alone in it while you jump from bed to bed! Jeeze!

 

Ummm.... oh where do I start with this one?

 

1. Some women are single because the MAN in the R is the one that cheated/left/misbehaved/treated her badly etc. Yes thats right, relationships CAN fail because of men, you heard it here.

 

2. Some women are single because their partners die. Last time I heard, baby daddies weren't immortal.

 

3. Being a mother isn't a prison sentence.

Its important for the sanity of the mother AND her child/ren for her to have time to herself, spending time with friends and doing things she enjoys. If this involves clubbing while her children are in bed, who cares as long as they are being cared for by a responsible sitter.

 

My daughter is asleep from 7pm till 7am most nights. If we choose to go to a movie or out for dinner after 7pm, and employ a sitter or get my mother to babysit, do you have a problem with that??

[sb129]

For obvious reason.

 

Unlike desperate old men, most 20-something men have a lot more options.

 

Options? Such as? The dating world isn't made up exclusively of single people with no baggage.

 

Most 20 something men couldn't handle being with a woman who had children.

 

The maturity levels would be poles apart for a start.

 

I am fine with the fact that the idea of kids freaks many 20-something men out, its totally understandable. Don't use your discomfort and fear to smear others who have taken a different life path to you.

[Els]

For obvious reason.

 

Unlike desperate old men, most 20-something men have a lot more options.

 

Actually, it's a pretty known fact that older men with established careers are generally more sought-after by women - hence, more options.

 

And while it's fine for YOU to not want to date single parents (I don't want to either), it's completely immature to presume that everyone else necessarily feels the same way. I can accept that some people are not desperate, but don't mind dating a single parent. I've seen it happen. I really don't see why you can't.

[sally4sara]

Options? Such as? The dating world isn't made up exclusively of single people with no baggage.

 

Most 20 something men couldn't handle being with a woman who had children.

The maturity levels would be poles apart for a start.

 

I am fine with the fact that the idea of kids freaks many 20-something men out, its totally understandable. Don't use your discomfort and fear to smear others who have taken a different life path to you.

 

Yup and just like one single mother being a head case doesn't mean they all are, some 20-something men DON'T get freaked out by kids and end up making awesome step-fathers while others do get freaked out over the idea. My husband was 25 when he began to take on a more active role in my son's life after dating me for close to a year.

[JaneDoe35]

Why on Earth would ANY sane man want to date a single mother? She obviously feels that men are disposable and unimportant for one. There's also a HUGE risk of false-accusations by kids who want to punish mom or try to force the parents back together by running the new guy off. And just why in the hell is a single mom DATING?? For f*** sake, spend the time with your child and not out clubbing and sleeping around! You made this bed of manure, you sleep in it - don't just leave your child alone in it while you jump from bed to bed! Jeeze!

 

It is great that you do not want to date a single mother. There are enough great men out there who are happy to date us. And they actually choose to date a 'woman they are attracted to', not a 'single mother'. It is no more difficult dating a woman with a child than dating a woman with a crazy ex or in-laws that hate you etc etc.

 

I am 35, my husband has moved on to greener pastures with his 22 year old girlfriend. We were together for almost 15 years. Married for 11 of those. Our daughter is 10. I didn't choose to be here. Should I now be alone until my daughter leaves home? It is possible that I will be - but I don't think so.

[Woggle]

Some women are single moms through no fault but this let's have a kid with no father to show the world how independent I am mentality is very common these days. A woman who thinks like that certainly is not a good partner for a man.

[JaneDoe35]

Some women are single moms through no fault but this let's have a kid with no father to show the world how independent I am mentality is very common these days. A woman who thinks like that certainly is not a good partner for a man.

 

This is very true. I work for the federal government in welfare though and the majority of women do not choose to become single parents. I didn't believe it either until I saw for myself.

[frizzo]

I am 35, my husband has moved on to greener pastures with his 22 year old girlfriend. We were together for almost 15 years. Married for 11 of those. Our daughter is 10. I didn't choose to be here. Should I now be alone until my daughter leaves home? It is possible that I will be - but I don't think so.

 

Statistically, it is extremely likely you will be. Of course you say "on to greener pastures" as if you had no part in this. My money is on you having WAY more time for your career than for him, and that you became utterly frigid after marriage and especially after the kid was born, and you likely nagged the hell out of him too. In which case, his desire to be with a woman who would sleep with him and not nag him is certainly understandable.

 

Of course the joke is on him, since she too will become a frigid nagging shrew is he's foolish enough to marry or procreate with her...

[sb129]

Sheeeeee-yte Frizzo.

Assume much?

 

Maybe if this is how you feel about women, you should switch sides?

[musemaj11]

Options? Such as? The dating world isn't made up exclusively of single people with no baggage.

 

Most 20 something men couldn't handle being with a woman who had children.

 

The maturity levels would be poles apart for a start.

 

I am fine with the fact that the idea of kids freaks many 20-something men out, its totally understandable. Don't use your discomfort and fear to smear others who have taken a different life path to you.

You can tell yourself anything to make you feel better.

 

But a study shows that single mothers are less likely to get married and when they do, they are less likely land a quality husband. Either he is less educated or he is much older and it makes sense.

 

http://researchnews.osu.edu/archive/marrpros.htm

 

There are enough great men out there who are happy to date us.

Good for you!

 

Actually, it's a pretty known fact that older men with established careers are generally more sought-after by women - hence, more options.

Yea and a man who is all that would opt for a single mom when he can have his pick of the crops? What world are you living in? Come back to reallity.

 

Maybe if this is how you feel about women, you should switch sides?

He is just saying 'Dont marry'.

Edited December 5, 2010 by musemaj11