Guys: thoughts on young(20's) single moms

[Els]

 

Yea and a man who is all that would opt for a single mom when he can have his pick of the crops? What world are you living in? Come back to reallity.

 

 

For all your 'I wish women would love men for who they are instead of their money', I find it quite ironic you cannot seem to believe that a man might love a woman so much that he doesn't mind having her children with her. Or vice versa.

 

I do know men with options who chose a woman with kids. And also women who chose a man with kids. They are rare, but they exist, just like the beautiful woman dating a low-salary man or the highflying man dating a plain-looking woman. Open your goddamned mind up a little.

[jimbo]

For all your 'I wish women would love men for who they are instead of their money', I find it quite ironic you cannot seem to believe that a man might love a woman so much that he doesn't mind having her children with her. Or vice versa.

 

I do know men with options who chose a woman with kids. And also women who chose a man with kids. They are rare, but they exist, just like the beautiful woman dating a low-salary man or the highflying man dating a plain-looking woman. Open your goddamned mind up a little.

 

 

Tried it. It was a complete and utter disaster. Never again. Her loss. Sadly, the kids loss too. But on the bright side, she can and does bang all the guys she wants. She's a keeper... In the trash.

[Els]

I think you're mistakenly associating 'woman with kids' with 'woman who bangs all the guys she wants even in an R', because your ex was both. :/

[AverageJoe]

 

I do know men with options who chose a woman with kids. And also women who chose a man with kids. They are rare, but they exist, just like the beautiful woman dating a low-salary man or the highflying man dating a plain-looking woman. Open your goddamned mind up a little.

 

Men with very, very limited options date women with kids. Probably desperation at times. You should open your mind as well and consider not very many men want to date single moms. Including me.

 

Honest question here. What would a man benefit from it?

[jimbo]

I think you're mistakenly associating 'woman with kids' with 'woman who bangs all the guys she wants even in an R', because your ex was both. :/

 

She didn't start banging the guy until I saw her true colors and ended it. About 2 weeks later to be exact. I can confirm she never cheated, but she's a mess now. Damn shame.

[jimbo]

Men with very, very limited options date women with kids. Probably desperation at times. You should open your mind as well and consider not very many men want to date single moms. Including me.

 

Honest question here. What would a man benefit from it?

 

 

Yes, I was desperate, I can concur. I hadn't been with a woman in nearly a year. That was my down fall. My mistake completely. When an moderately attractive woman shows interest, and you hit a dry spell, you'd be surprised what some men do. Though, I am happy when I got her she looked good. Now, looks like she's been run on from place to place. See what unwise decisions do to people?

[U1987]

I think I would date a single mom if

 

1) I was in my late 30s, early 40s

2) She was significantly younger than me (in her 20s)

3) She was reliably self-sufficient to care for her child without my financial support

[Els]

Men with very, very limited options date women with kids. Probably desperation at times. You should open your mind as well and consider not very many men want to date single moms. Including me.

 

Honest question here. What would a man benefit from it?

 

See, I don't want to date a guy with kids as well. The difference is, I acknowledge that some people don't mind and don't try to accuse those who do as having 'limited options'.

 

Would you say the same about a woman dating an overweight man? That she only is with him because she has 'limited options', just because many other women don't want to date overweight men? How about a woman dating a guy with a below-average salary? Limited options as well?

 

I find it amusing how you and musemaj can reduce people to the sum of their superficial qualities while moaning that women don't like them for who THEY are INSIDE.

[ColdFox]

Hey OP, I think it is probably important to remember sometimes that this forum has a lot of unhappy people on it, with relationship troubles. Take some of the replies with a grain of salt, not everyone in the real world is so angry, thank goodness .

 

I am 29 and I am a single mother because I am a widow. I haven't been dating much because I have been so busy with my son and also I was in grief counseling and wasn't ready to date for a long time. I am definitely not clubbing and sleeping around, how ridiculous. But I have dating options, men ask me out pretty regularly, and a lot of them already know about my son. Most of them don't seem desperate to me. I had a first date with one man recently, and am going out with him again this week. I like him a lot, I knew him already from one of my activities and he's not a creep or desperate at all.

[AlektraClementine]

Men with very, very limited options date women with kids. Probably desperation at times. You should open your mind as well and consider not very many men want to date single moms. Including me.

 

Honest question here. What would a man benefit from it?

 

I guess my husband would be better equipped to answer this question but I'll take a stab at it.

 

What benefit? He got an awesome girl. I'm intelligent, attractive, compassionate, loyal, honest, and a terrific cook! He also got the love and adoration of two brilliant children. He finds our life together very fulfilling.

 

I don't know, maybe I'm a different story all together, but I never had an issue getting dates with decent men before I met my husband. None of them were ever permitted to meet the kids, though. My husband was the first to get that honor.

 

Perhaps some men steered clear of asking me out due to their aversion to dating a single mom. idk, I never missed out on anything as far as I can tell. I don't think it's much to worry about though. As much as these men may not have wanted to date me, if the comments from some of the men are any indication of their characters, I wouldn't have wanted to date them either.

[AverageJoe]

 

Would you say the same about a woman dating an overweight man?

 

Yes I would, because if all she can get is a fat guy, then her options are limited as well. A fat guy with no money or career will most likely settle for a single mom. Now if he had money and success, he has more options.

 

That she only is with him because she has 'limited options', just because many other women don't want to date overweight men? How about a woman dating a guy with a below-average salary? Limited options as well?

 

 

According to many women a salary does not make a man de facto. But, as well all know it certainly does. Yet, you brought it up.

A woman that cant get a man that has an above average salary, rich, or higher. Is simply because she probably is not attractive, fat, ugly, or may possibly have a couple of crumb crunchers running around from a mistake of a prior relationship. None of those are attractive.

 

BTW, answer my question.

 

 

I find it amusing how you and musemaj can reduce people to the sum of their superficial qualities while moaning that women don't like them for who THEY are INSIDE.

If you can find a post of mine that moans about women that dont like me for who I am, I will be happy to discuss it with you. With those words, the ones you just used. Please do not put in in a context of which you fabricated.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Step-parenting is largely what you make of it, rather than just a big inherent negative. Sure, it requires some extra effort, especially in the beginning. Yes, my stepdaughter takes money, patience and time, like any other child--but she is a wonderful older sibling, spends a lot of time with her baby brother. They love each other immensely, and she teaches him, helps me with him, influences his life positively in numerous ways. She adds richness to his life, rather than diverting it from him. I love her too, she's a smart, great kid--she's my family member in her own right, not a 'disadvantage'. Having a blended family isn't perfect, and sometimes her other parent is a PITA, but all families have their complications--certainly, our family structure is NOT permanently awkward. Overall we're doing really well and we're all pretty happy with our arrangement.

Not every blended family works this well, but it's certainly a possible outcome.

 

Your children get along... but MOST siblings don't. In fact children typically struggle to understand and accept step siblings.

 

Bottom line is that you thrust yourself into a situation where you have all of the responsibility of a parent and none of the rights.

 

My good friend who has helped raise his step daughter since she was 4 saved lots of money for her to attend college, thinking that when his natural son came to that age he could pay out of pocket and through loans. However, his wife just lost her job and they are now struggling financially... and though his son was accepted into some very good schools... he can't afford to send him, because he spent the money he had saved on his step daughter.

 

Women expect you to treat your step children just as well as you treat your natural children... sometimes even to your own child's detriment.

 

In the end I simply have no interest in paying for and raising a child that isn't mine. I know if I even started I would fall in love with the kid and go all out, so I make sure to keep myself out of such a situation.

 

Besides... a good chunk of the time single mothers just marry financially stable guys... then cheat on them when the opportunity arises!

 

 

 

It is great that you do not want to date a single mother. There are enough great men out there who are happy to date us. And they actually choose to date a 'woman they are attracted to', not a 'single mother'. It is no more difficult dating a woman with a child than dating a woman with a crazy ex or in-laws that hate you etc etc.

I am 35, my husband has moved on to greener pastures with his 22 year old girlfriend. We were together for almost 15 years. Married for 11 of those. Our daughter is 10. I didn't choose to be here. Should I now be alone until my daughter leaves home? It is possible that I will be - but I don't think so.

 

Suck. I hope you find someone quality!

 

Hey OP, I think it is probably important to remember sometimes that this forum has a lot of unhappy people on it, with relationship troubles. Take some of the replies with a grain of salt, not everyone in the real world is so angry, thank goodness .

I am 29 and I am a single mother because I am a widow. I haven't been dating much because I have been so busy with my son and also I was in grief counseling and wasn't ready to date for a long time. I am definitely not clubbing and sleeping around, how ridiculous. But I have dating options, men ask me out pretty regularly, and a lot of them already know about my son. Most of them don't seem desperate to me. I had a first date with one man recently, and am going out with him again this week. I like him a lot, I knew him already from one of my activities and he's not a creep or desperate at all.

 

You can't explain this one away by painting everyone who isn't interested in taking on extra parenting duties as angry.

 

Chances are the guy you are seeing is older... mid 30's or so. What you are seeing is a lot of younger guys.

 

Plus the topic is early 20's single mothers.

[musemaj11]

I find it amusing how you and musemaj can reduce people to the sum of their superficial qualities while moaning that women don't like them for who THEY are INSIDE.

Im already over that idealistic phase of my life and I have come to the conclusion that in reality its all about business.

[zengirl]

Men with very, very limited options date women with kids. Probably desperation at times. You should open your mind as well and consider not very many men want to date single moms. Including me.

 

Honest question here. What would a man benefit from it?

 

Now, I understand that plenty of people don't want to date someone with kids. I have no kids. I want to have kids someday. However, I don't currently want to date someone with kids---it's a dealbreaker for me at this stage in my life, for a few reasons, mostly linked to my own goals and life stage.

 

However, this is just untrue. My step-father married my mother, who had a child (me!), and I cannot imagine he was desperate. Both he and my mother are attractive, intelligent, and happy in their marriage -- 2nd marriage for both of them, but I'm the only child in the picture -- and he was already very successful in his career when he met her (she wasn't yet, but she was self-sufficient), as well. He married my mother because he loved her, not out of desperation. I'm sure the fact that he and I got along, and that he wanted kids, helped a great deal.

 

But my boyfriend has dated single mothers in his past as well, and he says he would now -- he's also attractive and successful -- so I think a lot of it depends on how much a man wants children and WHY he wants children. Men who genuinely enjoy children are going to view it differently than the, "Well, I'll like them when their mine" set. At the same time, I genuinely enjoy children, but wouldn't date a single parent at my age. It all depends on the person, and I doubt it is usually desperation, though it is something that will limit the field because people have strong feelings about it and it has many lifestyle implications.

[musemaj11]

For all your 'I wish women would love men for who they are instead of their money', I find it quite ironic you cannot seem to believe that a man might love a woman so much that he doesn't mind having her children with her. Or vice versa.

 

I do know men with options who chose a woman with kids. And also women who chose a man with kids. They are rare, but they exist, just like the beautiful woman dating a low-salary man or the highflying man dating a plain-looking woman. Open your goddamned mind up a little.

Exceptions, exceptions, exceptions.

 

They are so rare that you might as well consider them dont exist.

 

And Im an open minded person. Probably one of the most open minded people.

 

I do know men with options who chose a woman with kids. And also women who chose a man with kids.

No you dont.

[ColdFox]

That depends on how you read the title. "Young (20's) single mothers" actually reads as single mothers who are young, in their 20s. You are assuming the OP means early 20s and maybe she does but it doesn't say that. I don't have to justify my right to post here to you but I just turned 29 and I have been a single mom for a few years now, since my husband died while I was pregnant. I have been asked out by guys in their 20s.

 

I never said that every man who doesn't want to date single moms or isn't sure about dealing with her kids is angry. I don't care if some men don't want to date me because of my son, there are men out there I don't want to date for various reasons, too. I do think the guys who posted that all single moms are trashy, damaged headcases and slutty and golddiggers and probably drove away the fathers or hate men are angry. If you didn't see any of that I guess maybe you are only reading what you want to read.

 

Oh I forgot to mention that the guy I just had the date with is actually 28, a few months younger than me.

Edited December 6, 2010 by ColdFox

[musemaj11]

I never said that every man who doesn't want to date single moms or isn't sure about dealing with her kids is angry. I don't care if some men don't want to date me because of my son, there are men out there I don't want to date for various reasons, too. I do think the guys who posted that all single moms are trashy, damaged headcases and slutty and golddiggers and probably drove away the fathers or hate men are angry. If you didn't see any of that I guess maybe you are only reading what you want to read.

Your husband died.

 

That totally changes everything ...

[sweetjasmine]

Your husband died.

 

That totally changes everything ...

 

Which arguments of yours does it change?

 

Does a widow not have baggage? Are the kids not someone else's? If you dated a widow with children, wouldn't you still be taking responsibility for some other dude's problem? Wouldn't you be suspicious of the widow's true intentions? Worried that she just wants a host to leech off? Wouldn't you feel like you're with that widow because no one else wants her?

 

If a single mother who got divorced or abandoned has "desperate old men" as her only option, why would it be different for a widow?

[musemaj11]

Which arguments of yours does it change?

 

Does a widow not have baggage? Are the kids not someone else's? If you dated a widow with children, wouldn't you still be taking responsibility for some other dude's problem? Wouldn't you be suspicious of the widow's true intentions? Worried that she just wants a host to leech off? Wouldn't you feel like you're with that widow because no one else wants her?

 

If a single mother who got divorced or abandoned has "desperate old men" as her only option, why would it be different for a widow?

You know what? Actually you are right. Just hearing her husband died, my 'sensitive to female's plight' male heart suddenly took pity and it clouded my judgment.

 

Thank you for setting my mind straight again.

[sweetjasmine]

You know what? Actually you are right. Just hearing her husband died, my 'sensitive to female's plight' male heart suddenly took pity and it clouded my judgment.

 

Thank you for setting my mind straight again.

 

Hey, you're welcome. I'm happy to convince guys like you to stay far away from single mothers who have already suffered enough.

[Untouchable_Fire]

That depends on how you read the title. "Young (20's) single mothers" actually reads as single mothers who are young, in their 20s. You are assuming the OP means early 20s and maybe she does but it doesn't say that. I don't have to justify my right to post here to you but I just turned 29 and I have been a single mom for a few years now, since my husband died while I was pregnant. I have been asked out by guys in their 20s.

I never said that every man who doesn't want to date single moms or isn't sure about dealing with her kids is angry. I don't care if some men don't want to date me because of my son, there are men out there I don't want to date for various reasons, too. I do think the guys who posted that all single moms are trashy, damaged headcases and slutty and golddiggers and probably drove away the fathers or hate men are angry. If you didn't see any of that I guess maybe you are only reading what you want to read.

Oh I forgot to mention that the guy I just had the date with is actually 28, a few months younger than me.

 

I thought in the original post she stated early 20's... but based on the thread title... I agree that you are correct on this. Sorry I must have been confused.

 

Hey... you are a widow. That is a completely separate deal. Most guys like me have no issue being in long term relationships with a widow. I would have absolutely no hangups of taking on a parenting role for a child whose father is deceased.

 

There are some guys I would classify as heavily relying on stereotypes to avoid bad choices. That might seem angry to you, but I hesitate to attach any particular emotion to it. It is a good strategy to employ if you are not good at understanding other people.

 

I would say most single mothers are good as people. They try very hard for their children. I think very few planned to be single mothers when they got pregnant.

 

However, many are single by choice, despite the fact that they did not plan at the start to be single. (and in that I exclude those who had relationships with cheats, abusers and frauds). So, why did they choose to be single? I see divorce for all sorts of reasons, but typically those reasons are VERY poor.

 

Put yourself in my shoes for a moment. In a marriage situation I as a man gain nothing vs. dating, but stand to lose everything I own plus up to 60% of my future income. Wouldn't YOU be crazy picky about who you avoided? We all look around and realize that there isn't a truely safe option... it's like gambling where the house always wins. The only thing to do is to pick the games with the best odds.

[hearttobreak]

Hey, you're welcome. I'm happy to convince guys like you to stay far away from single mothers who have already suffered enough.

 

 

I agree and this is the most important thing to remember when dating.

[musemaj11]

Hey, you're welcome. I'm happy to convince guys like you to stay far away from single mothers who have already suffered enough.

Lol, you dont know me.

 

Everything I said was the truth that everyone else agrees to but afraid to say.

[sally4sara]

In a marriage situation I as a man gain nothing vs. dating, but stand to lose everything I own plus up to 60% of my future income. Wouldn't YOU be crazy picky about who you avoided? We all look around and realize that there isn't a truely safe option... it's like gambling where the house always wins. The only thing to do is to pick the games with the best odds.

 

It is really awful that you've come to think of marriage (either entirely OR just to a single mother) as you gaining nothing. Why would you be with anyone if you feel this way? Have you never known anyone who added to your life just by being in it?

[Els]

Bah, my mutliquote button is screwed.

 

AverageJoe: The answer is that of course, the only benefit is if the person likes having children come with the package. But if you only see people you enter Rs with as a list of 'benefits', then I am glad the people whom I've met in my life are not like you. It is most likely NOT a benefit to most men, just like how a guy with a below-average salary, or below-average appearance, or below-average height, etc does not provide additional benefits to the woman who dates him BECAUSE of that. Apparently you cannot see that he may have qualities that set him apart from the rest DESPITE that.

 

Alright, musemaj, just don't expect people NOT to rip on you for all your future posts of 'Woe is us men, we is being used'.