Guys: thoughts on young(20's) single moms

[Green]

Its a sad thing when you look through this thread full people weighing in saying there is nothing to be gained in being in the life of a child as they grow. That the presence of a child is in direct competition to your own gain in a relationship. May none of you ever be given access to any children, biological or not because if that is how you feel then the only reason you'd have in bringing your own in to the world is to stroke your own procreative abilities. And that isn't enough to adequately qualify you for the job. You'll do nothing but bring more broken people into the world.

 

And then these same people try to say something about mothers being **** at parenting.................. These same people whinge on about the state of the modern family. Its disgusting.

 

Have none of you brothers or sisters? Cousins? Students of some sort? If there was nothing gained in involvement with children, we'd have long ago died off.

 

I think involvement with children is great. Dating/marrying a single mother not so great. I don't see myself ever being with a single mother

[AlektraClementine]

I think involvement with children is great. Dating/marrying a single mother not so great. I don't see myself ever being with a single mother

 

 

The bolded part is a fair enough opinion. But if you've never dated a woman with children, may I ask how you know that it's "not so great"?

[Woggle]

The bolded part is a fair enough opinion. But if you've never dated a woman with children, may I ask how you know that it's "not so great"?

 

A woman that views fatherhood is disposable has to have some manhating issues and no man should want to be with a manhater.

[sweetjasmine]

A woman that views fatherhood is disposable has to have some manhating issues and no man should want to be with a manhater.

 

What percentage of single mothers "view fatherhood as disposable"?

[Woggle]

What percentage of single mothers "view fatherhood as disposable"?

 

I would say a large number. Not all but I constantly hear women telling men they don't need us because they have sperm banks.

[aerogurl87]

I know most guys I know wouldn't date a single mom in her twenties if they were in their early to mid twenties. I know it may sound bad to call children baggage, but for some people other people's kids are just that, baggage. I'd never date a single father, I'm sorry, that just wouldn't work for me. The only child I can tolerate for long periods of time is my nephew and that's only because we're related by blood. If it weren't for that I probably wouldn't be able to stand him (yeah that sounds bad, but it's the truth). So I guess it's up to the individual and how much they like children in general and what stage they are in in life.

[harmfulsweetz]

I don't think people are bad people for having a preference. In an ideal world, all men would be accepting of single mothers and their children, but this isn't an ideal world. It's not just the financial implications, it's the emotional implications. Whose to say the guy won't bond and then get dumped, and never have rights to see a child he helped raise again?

 

Also, most people would ideally choose to date someone without children simply because it is easier. I don't think that's wrong, it's honest. I can understand that it's tough on single parents, and fair enough, there's been a fair few generalizations and absolutes on here, but the point is true enough-most men won't date a single mother in her twenties.

 

By most, I mean most of the posters on this thread.

[sweetjasmine]

I would say a large number. Not all but I constantly hear women telling men they don't need us because they have sperm banks.

 

You hear that constantly? From who, the psycho twins? Come on, Wogs, you know better.

 

One of my old school friends recently became a single mother. Want to know why? Her darling partner cheated on her and left for another woman and now he's trying his hardest to dodge the very little responsibility he has for the kids because he wants absolutely nothing to do with them. Even though he was on board when they decided to have them.

 

If you didn't know that and I told you, "Hey, man, I know this single mom with 2 kids who works 2 jobs to support them," would you think, "She must think fatherhood is disposable!" ?

[Fionah]

I'm a woman and I prefer not to date a man with children. I'm 30 and have never been married and don't have kids yet.

[sally4sara]

There is much to be gained in the life of a child. This I don't agree but another thing to worry about is that if a woman has a disposable attitude towards fatherhood a man can end up forming a bond with the child and out of the blue she dumps him and severs that bond. Being a stepfather can be a great thing but there are just so many more cons than pros when it comes to dating single moms unless they are one of the exceptions.

 

That a person feels this way is not dependent on them being a single parent. If anything, that they are already a parent can give you more clues about what kind of attitude they have about men and parenting, and how they handle raising kids.

A person without kids can tell you everything you want to hear and you'll only find out how true it is after you've had a kid with them. Where as a person with kids can tell you everything you want to hear, but the reality of their attitude will reflect in the way they guide their children and at what point they'd see the father as disposable for parenting.

 

Are there not things that a woman could do that would make you feel she should be removed from her own kids? What would those things be? How about your mother - if your father had one day, decided enough was enough and gotten full custody of you, sought out to limit her access to you - would you think he was wrong in doing that? Would you have felt he was treating motherhood as disposable or would you have felt he was protecting you? Because it was when I found out that my ex was jobless and living in a trashed home full of strewn about empty beer bottles and dead kittens that had starved laying about, molding where they dropped that I realized just how much I needed to restrict his access to my son. Yet right up to the point of that discovery, he'd been assuring me that everything was a-okay on his end.

[zengirl]

A woman that views fatherhood is disposable has to have some manhating issues and no man should want to be with a manhater.

 

My father thought fatherhood was disposable. My mother didn't. I don't know too many single mothers who think fatherhood is disposable. Most of them have just done the best they can (and divorce doesn't mean the father shouldn't be involved or is a bad father either. . . I don't mean to imply that by any means!).

 

I should also point out I have friend who have great fathers AND step-fathers, great mothers AND step-mothers. In my case, I only made it out with 2 great parents, and one of them wasn't biological, but children of divorce can come out with 4 great parents too. It happens.

 

I don't see how the fact that her marriage didn't work out necessarily means anyone thought that parenthood was disposable in any way.

[Titania22]

Ok My post now is not so much about young single mothers, although my grandmother was one, with 3 boys.

 

It is directed to those who feel that single mothers are never a good choice.

 

My grandmother met a man after her boys were fully grown, although due to financial constraint I don't think they had quite moved out yet. So they were men, possibly wives living at home.

 

She met a man, who had never had children of his own, and stayed by her side for 50yrs until he passed away last christmas. He had an active exciting life before he met her and an active exciting life while they were together. They were essentially the same age. He said that the 50years with her were the best of his life, and that he was very thankful to be included into her family and see her grandchildren as his own.

 

They were never held back by the fact she had previously had kids. They travelled the world, living and working in many countries and made there fortune together. There wasn't a day he didn't tell her he loved her. I believe he was very happy.

 

One thing a woman who has had and raised children, that someone who wasn't may not have, is an experience of selflessness (the ability to put the needs of another before your own), and a maturity that stems from not being free to do as she chooses every moment of the day.

 

Please consider that before making any blanket rules regarding your life. But as always do as you will, and I wish you all the best.

[aerogurl87]

Ok My post now is not so much about young single mothers, although my grandmother was one, with 3 boys.

 

It is directed to those who feel that single mothers are never a good choice.

 

My grandmother met a man after her boys were fully grown, although due to financial constraint I don't think they had quite moved out yet. So they were men, possibly wives living at home.

 

She met a man, who had never had children of his own, and stayed by her side for 50yrs until he passed away last christmas. He had an active exciting life before he met her and an active exciting life while they were together. They were essentially the same age. He said that the 50years with her were the best of his life, and that he was very thankful to be included into her family and see her grandchildren as his own.

 

They were never held back by the fact she had previously had kids. They travelled the world, living and working in many countries and made there fortune together. There wasn't a day he didn't tell her he loved her. I believe he was very happy.

 

One thing a woman who has had and raised children, that someone who wasn't may not have, is an experience of selflessness (the ability to put the needs of another before your own), and a maturity that stems from not being free to do as she chooses every moment of the day.

 

Please consider that before making any blanket rules regarding your life. But as always do as you will, and I wish you all the best.

 

That bolded part can make a world of difference. When I become 40, if I'm still single and childless, and a single father tries to date me with grown kids I'd be on board for that. But if they're still young and need to be raised, then I think not.

[sally4sara]

That bolded part can make a world of difference. When I become 40, if I'm still single and childless, and a single father tries to date me with grown kids I'd be on board for that. But if they're still young and need to be raised, then I think not.

 

And you figure you'll be building a good environment for raising a child (if that is your intent with this) by marrying a guy you once thought of as not a good enough of a mate for you?

 

I think this approach (settling for less than you originally wanted) has resulted in more children from broken homes than with people who married someone they initially thought was the best choice for them but learned otherwise after a few years of marriage.

[AverageJoe]

I'm curious about what makes you think that a girl would only date a fat guy because he was all she could get. For some people, their partner's weight isn't really important. My current boyfriend is on the heavy side, but he's a lovely, intelligent and talented person - I have dated numerous slimmer guys but I happen to like my current boyfriend better.

 

 

Hi there. I never said a girl would only date a fat guy because that was all she could get. What I did say, you quoted.

 

If she wants to date a fat guy, then live it up. If she does not want to date a fat guy but settles for it anyway, there is a reason for that and her options are limited. I could speculate but I will let you take your pick as to what the reason(s) may be.

[aerogurl87]

And you figure you'll be building a good environment for raising a child (if that is your intent with this) by marrying a guy you once thought of as not a good enough of a mate for you?

 

I think this approach (settling for less than you originally wanted) has resulted in more children from broken homes than with people who married someone they initially thought was the best choice for them but learned otherwise after a few years of marriage.

 

No I don't want to raise another person's child so I don't have to worry about "building a good environment for raising a child". I didn't say the guy wouldn't be good enough for me. I've met some really nice guys who would've been great guys to date, but they had young children and for me that's a deal breaker.

 

I don't settle in life, never have and never will.

[AverageJoe]

 

I think this approach (settling for less than you originally wanted) has resulted in more children from broken homes than with people who married someone they initially thought was the best choice for them but learned otherwise after a few years of marriage.

 

People should never settle for less to begin with, man or women. I certainly dont. Everyone has parameters set for themselves as to what is acceptable and what is not. In my case, one of them is dating a single mother (I did it once). Just as everyone else has their own set of parameters.

 

Unfortunately people settle all of the time and then later on down the line, the relationship begins to falter simply because someone has compromised themselves. Then they try to desperately make the relationship work no matter how destructive it may be. The word investment or invested gets tossed around quite a bit at that point.

[Titania22]

And you figure you'll be building a good environment for raising a child (if that is your intent with this) by marrying a guy you once thought of as not a good enough of a mate for you?

 

I think this approach (settling for less than you originally wanted) has resulted in more children from broken homes than with people who married someone they initially thought was the best choice for them but learned otherwise after a few years of marriage.

 

 

I completely get your point. But as someone who actually took on a guy who had full custody of his 2 kids, and had him living here with my 2 kids. All my attempts to make an environment good for raising the children were for nothing. The whole situation imploded from within.

 

I would say rather then to have a blanket rule 'date no single mothers or father', it would be better to look at the individuals both parent and kids and see if they really live in a way that would mesh well with your way of being. That lot didn't mesh with us. And the result was bad for everyone, especially my poor son.

 

Because ultimately no amount of loving someone is going to make it work, if other individuals have other ideas.

[sally4sara]

No I don't want to raise another person's child so I don't have to worry about "building a good environment for raising a child". I didn't say the guy wouldn't be good enough for me. I've met some really nice guys who would've been great guys to date, but they had young children and for me that's a deal breaker.

 

I don't settle in life, never have and never will.

 

Okay, I thought you were speaking of running out of better options and then tagging the first willing guy (as long as any children he had were out of the picture) to baby you up.

 

That you have no interest in children beyond any of your own is your right. Hell, it might even be an admittance that you'd suck at it and see that it is too weighty to risk effing up. The single father I turned down with lax parenting skills and a nightmare child, I passed on because I didn't think I could handle that mess in a way that best served my son or the other guy's kid.

 

For me, had I not met my husband but instead a single dad, I'd have been fine with it so long as our parenting styles matched.

[sweetjasmine]

I would say rather then to have a blanket rule 'date no single mothers or father', it would be better to look at the individuals both parent and kids and see if they really live in a way that would mesh well with your way of being.

 

I agree. That's the best way to look at it. For a lot of people, having a child or children in their lives wouldn't mesh with their way of being. That's perfectly fair.

 

What I take issue with is the judgmental BS and assumptions.

[Madgick1]

Then why wasnt she on some type of birth control? If she didint really want a baby, she would have prevented it.

 

I had a baby 23 months after having my tubes tied.

 

Just saying....

[AverageJoe]

I had a baby 23 months after having my tubes tied.

 

Just saying....

 

A broken clock is right twice a day.

[AlektraClementine]

A woman that views fatherhood is disposable has to have some manhating issues and no man should want to be with a manhater.

 

How do you equate single motherhood with disposable fatherhood?

[sally4sara]

A broken clock is right twice a day.

 

what does that have to do with a botched tubal ligation? Are you suggesting she had sex at the wrong time of the day?

[AverageJoe]

what does that have to do with a botched tubal ligation? Are you suggesting she had sex at the wrong time of the day?

 

It means there are exceptions to every rule.