47 and tired of my family's merry-go-round

[AVR1962]

I have really really tried but I am so done. My parents were 16 & 17 when I was born almost 48 years ago. A sister came along a year later. I have no doubt my mom was overwhelmed and actually I don't think she planned for either of us. I spent alot of time with my grandparents (mom's side) and actually saw them as my second parents.

 

My mom is an alcoholic, dad drinks with her with limitations. Parties in the house growing up....an aunt throwing up in the toilet and someone sleeping on the only bathroom floor. Parents both smoked cigarettes which my sister and I hated.

 

Mom was terribly hateful to me and would send me out to do my sister's chores and let my sister watch TV. My sister once picked up a shoe (she still has a bad temper to this day) and hit me in the nose, my mom told me I deserved it, I had not done anything. My mom would tell me that there was "no wonder I had no friends," I ws terribly shy and seriously suffering from her constant emotional abuse.

 

By the time I was 16, I was determined to leave one way or the other. I worked after school so I wasn't home much anyway. When I started dating my dad became over protective....I think it was to keep me from getting pg like my mom had. I wouldn't even do a thing with a guy and he'd say, "do you know what it's like to know your daughter is a whore?" What? My dad was lapping me around saying terrible things and it made me all the more determined to leave.

 

I married at 17, they both hated my husband and mom could not be nice to him the whole 7 years we were married. He was an abusive liar when would not work and finally had an affair and he filed for divorce.

 

My parents were very supportive, my dad helped me get into counseling and he would take my daughters from time to time to releave my pressure. I eventually remarried, my parent like my second husband.

 

One day, in my mid 30's, when I called my mom was obviously dodging my call and this continued. She wouldn't talk to me. My sister told my last daughter to let me know she had told mom about our "conversation." That was our conversation about mom's drinking. My mom was furious with me. When I finally got ahold of her to talk she let go on me. Told me that she nevr felt for me like she did my sister....on & on. When we hung up the phone she did not contact me for 4 years.

 

Out of the blue one day I got an email from my mom, no apology, nothing was ever said. We have been in contact by email now for 10 years, had a few visits and have talked on the phone a few times. Mostly I have listened while she tells me how awful my adult children and my grand children are, how all her siblings are mental and how horrible they treat her parents, and how she is going to divorce my dad because she can't stand him.

 

I no longer live near my family, I moved away 20 years ago, best decision I ever made. My adult daughters moved back to be near family and to get to know their bio dad who had abandoned them.

 

Fast fwd to today......my grandfather is dying and may not make to Xmas this year. I knew my Gma was sick so I called to check on them, we've remained very close. Gma was wheeling herself around in a desk chair becuase she was so sick she couldn't stand, Gpa had fallen 4 times. I asked her if mom knew all this and she did. Gma told me that mom told her not to answer the phone or door, gave them some natural sleep aide and told them to get rest.

 

I told Gma that something was not right and she needed to go to the hospital, told her Gpa cannot be falling. I then called one of my daughters to go up and make sure Gma got the help she needed. We didn't know it but a cousin who lives with my grandparents had been told by my mom if anyone goes to the house, he was to call my mom immediately. She had already told my daughter to stay away amd my daughter was nervous about going up.

 

While my daughter was at my Gparent's place my mom showed up furious but everything had already been decided before she got there. Gma had agreed to go to the hospital and that meant Gp was going to have to go to the VA at least until Gma coudl care for him again. My mom was furious, emailed me and all of my family and told us to stay away. My dad emailed me to let me know that my daughter was interferring.

 

While at the hospital my Gma found out she had an infection in her blood and was told if she had not sought medical attention she would have died.

 

My parents are not speaking to me and my family now. I have heard thru other family members how they are talking bad again about me and twisting up things I have said.

 

I will be 48 years old later this month and I simply do not need this anymore. It has always been that either I do what they say and want or pay the consequences which are their silence & being ignored and being talked about behind my back and they make sure they tell the people they know will bring it right back to me. Nothing has ever changed. There is no talking, no apolgies, they are right, I am wrong.

 

I have finally decided to get off the toxic merry-go-round and live my own life. I do not mean them harm and I only wish the best for them but this is too much for me.

[Nfoney]

its surprising to see that you held out this long. we are only on earth for a short period of time which means we shouldn't waste a lot of time with stress and unhappiness. if cutting them off and moving on makes you happier than do that. life is short. i swear, we waste so much time in anger and strife and we rarely take the time to smell the roses and enjoy life. half of our adult lives are spent being angry, worried, stressed, depressed.

 

if you have happiness now in your late 40s, then great! if your parents give you the apologies and relationship you are looking for, that's great too... but if that never happens, that's fine too. life is just too short.

 

find things that make you happy and focus on those things only. don't waste any more time on things that don't, even if it means distancing yourself from your family. Good Luck!

[Vesna]

I initiated NC with my mother over four years ago. I understand why people hold out for so long when it is easier to cut them out of your life. By age 41, I had tried to make my mother love me and accept me for who I am, not for what she wanted me to be. I went out of my way to impress her but nothing I ever did was good enough, not even the tasteful and needful gifts I gave her. I was always a source of embarassment to her and when I was 'perfect', she would find something to barb me with. She was hateful to me all my life. It was when she slapped me in front of her visitors that I decided there was no legal or moral reason for me to associate with this tyranical pig. However I stuck it out with high hopes. Then.....she met my long lost older sister who was perfect. I swore she adopted out the wrong daughter. This was the final blow; my mother took all the credit for my sister's so called successes and I decided that enough was enough. I cut off all contact with her and even though my brother said that she has changed and regrets treating me like she did I have one thing to say: too late mate!

 

She still sends checks and cash in the mail to me. I call it criminal compensation.

 

Get yourself out of there and recover while you can.

[AVR1962]

Vesna.....how long ago did you disconnect? and how are you doing with it? For me, it is weird but I feel some guilt and I am not sure why. Perhaps just being trained to take the crap and now I'm walking away? It doesn't matter what I do or not do, it wan't be right in my parents' book. I tell my grown children to not meaure themselves thru other people's eyes which I tell them because of what I have endured.

 

I just finished a wonderful book that talks about how we are raised we so many should's, and all these rightful codes in our heads to do this properly and treat that person this way. Things that have been drilled into our minds from the time we could even begin to comprehend. It tells how we have to let that go as really we do not have the responsibilities we have been told. Our only responsibility it to ourselves and to enjoy the life we are given.....something I really need to work on.

[Vesna]

AV, I left my mother, stepfather and his 3 daughters four years ago. The first year was liberating for me and the only regret I experienced was the fact that I should have disconnected 20 years before then. My mother did some very damaging things to me as a child and teenager, won't go into details, but I was 'trained' to accept it and know that I deserved it. WTF? I was led to believe that I did not deserve the best and when my stepsisters came along, things just got worse. My mother hated me. She was all love and cuddles to me in public but in private it was a different matter. I have told my brother that under no circumstances is he to leave his four year old daughter alone with her.

 

I was fed up with being a constant source of hatred and jealousy. I had a serious binge-drinking problem at the time and I now recall that every weekend I spent at my mother's was punctuated by secret drinking and then binging myself into a stupor as soon as I returned to my home, thus ruining my week. I didn't understand why I was so unhappy for years. When I realised the cause, I was angry. Two reasons: 1 - Why me? 2 - Why didn't I see this pattern a long time ago when I had a chance to try and recover and be healthy.

 

When my brother told me that after getting to know our sister, our mother is dissappointed and misses me, shadenfruede didn't even begin to describe my sinister relief. This happened in the last two weeks.

 

Let me be honest with you. You will never be good enough to your mother and your mother will never change. You have to be good enough for you and you only. Like I said in my previous post, there is no legal or moral reason for me or anyone to stay in an abusive situation which could well threaten your life. I live with suicidal ideations everyday and there is very little I can do about it, having tried everything but suicide.

 

I agree that we are hardwired to achieve imperatives in life, even ones that are suggested to us in utero. Please tell me the title of the book you read.

 

Having divorced my family four years ago, I must admit that after a year I had to ask myself why had they let me go so easily even though they hated me so much.

 

Predictably, I will receive a $50 Xmas present and something tasteful to go with it, via my brother, something my mother never did before.

[Kendrick]

I didn't read all of the replies, so I will apologize now if its already been said. I would suggest a book called Co-Dependent No More. And to attend Alanon meetings. If you grew up with an alcoholic family member and if by chance your husband drinks too, which I think I saw he does in another thread, you will find that book and those meeting very helpful. Hope all works out for you.

[AVR1962]

Vesna, The book I just finished is "Your Erroneous Zones" by Dr Wayne W Dyer. You mentioned feelings that I too can identify with and this book helped me to realize that the obligations in our heads are simply garbage. It has made me realize we are programed from small to believe whatever crap we are told but that doesn't mean we have own it as adults now, it's our choice.

 

In my search online for "troubled families" I ran into info about adult children of alcoholics. I don't know if this is your situation at all but it is mine. I have been to groups sessions before and have done some reading, it is very much what I deal with. The home is unpredictible and the things again that get put in your head are garbage and that where we have to rid ourselves from the trash.

 

I have another book on order (funny that Kendrick would mention it), "Codependent No More."

 

Something else I wanted to share here. My mom's parents became my second parents. They are very religious and not just Bible pounders but people who truly live a life as followers. I saw the difference in the two homes, my parents' home and my grandparents'. My grandmother is full of love, this is my mom's mom.....complete opposite of my mother. My grandmother always quoted scriptures and spoke of forgiveness.

 

While I have seen people feel they are true Christians I can say I have seen lots of contridictory behavior. Basically, I'm saying there are alot of fakes out there.....yeah, they know right from wrong but they are simply pure evil themselves....lies, manipulation, blame....you name it, I think you know what I mean. These people mean us no good and as you (Vesna) mentioned my mom will never love and accept me as long as she has this evil presence in her (hatred). To see it this way, and I hope my head isn't twisted, it does help me let go.

 

I mentioned that I am dealing with guilt which is something Dr Dyer talks about in his book. Guilt is a worthless emotion that immobilizing you. That's what I am working on.

 

I am letting go with love, as I do care. I don't want to torture myself with anger but I also have to be real.

[Vesna]

Hmmmm, I have seen that very same book in my mother's library. Unfortunately I don't she has ever practiced what she preached unless it suited her or delivered some kind of gain.

 

I am struggling to let go at this time since so much detritus keeps polluting my head every other day. It's amazing how much crap kids can unwittingly sweep under the carpet in order to survive the next ordeal that comes their way.

 

There is an organisation called ACON, check it out. Also Daughters of Narcissistic mothers. It helped me realise that it wasn't me, it wasn't my fault and that I definitely was not alone in my confusion.

 

I think there are so many inept parents out there who are merely criminals on account of the way they screw up their chidren's heads.

[AVR1962]

Thanks Vesna.....I will check those out. I did recently join an online support group for adult children of alcoholics which I am hoping to learn from. Best to you with your family situation as well!