Second Chance - Not meant to be

[confused_pjl]

Its been probably close to 4 months since my last post. For those of you that remember me and remember reading my posts, Im sure you will appreciate this update.

 

I won't give too much of a background story since it can be found in my previous posts. In a nutshell, my ex left me when I was at my worst, lost my job, was struggling financial and was having a hard time staying motivated. She ended up dating someone she worked with not even 2 weeks after. 4 months after dating him she started reaching out to me. Needless to say, my entire summer was spent playing the yo yo game with her. She would reach out to me, tell me she wanted me back in her life and then she would go back to the other guy, and so on and so forth.

 

So, 4 months ago, she committed to working things out with me and officially ending things with the other guy. My mistake was believing her. Everything I expected this reconciliation to be...... it wasn't. I had a vision of it being fireworks, passion, desire, etc. I figured since we had both been apart so long and missed each other so much that we would go crazy on each other. Well, let's just say that was one sided..... my side.

 

It took me these past 4 months to realize that she is not the same person I fell in love with the first time. She had changed..... for the worse. I was no longer attracted to this person she became. She used to be someone who was so sweet, caring and passionate. Now she is selfish, cocky and inconsiderate.

 

The entire 4 months I tried working things out with her I was constantly dealing with disappointment and rejection. I was no longer a priority, I become second best, an option.

 

It makes me sad because I was giving her 110% of me and I was getting 10% from her in return. She didn't make an effort, she didn't even really try. It was like she just missed having me in her life and only wanted me when she needed me. Almost like it comforted her just knowing I was there when she needed me. Everything was on her terms.

 

Every time I would talk to her and express my intentions and concerns she would understand and commit to making changes/ progress. Well, she heard me but wasn't listening because nothing changed.

 

Today, I finally got the strength to get my stuff from her and officially walk away. Im still not sure how I feel about it. Part of me is sad and emotional while the other part is relieved that I no longer have to be uncertain, I no longer have to deal with the disappointment and rejection.

 

It was hard for me to make this decision because Christmas is coming so fast and we were discussing spending Christmas together.

 

In the end, she was the one that needed to make the difference. I tried, I made the effort. The only reason this ended was because of her actions, or lack of actions I should say.

 

Now I go back to square one. With a new outlook and new lessons learned. I just have to stay strong and completely remove her from my life, even if she tries reaching out again.

 

So.... second chances. :s

 

I guess it all depends on the person she is or has become. I personally feel if they really want it they would fight for it and want to commit and be passionate right away. If you don't see these signs than do what I couldn't do, be strong, ignore them and walk away.

[helovesmeyes]

this is a great post because it describes what most of us are going through every day! Listen you are doing the right thing. Keeping the doors open for a chance to reconcile means nothing to our exes. They want what they want when they want it so why keep putting yourself through pain? We can walk away today, or stay the bottom line is the decision is ultimately theirs. We can't make them want us and we have an even better chance if we just walk away anyway. People are going to do what they want especially if they don't respect you. Good Job!

[Don_da_Ho]

Sorry Bro. That's what usually happens with reconciliations. At least you've learned she is NOT the person you fell for. That really should ease your anguish although I do understand that you will miss the "old" her. Time for you to pick yourself up, improve yourself and move forward.

 

BTW, it sounds like you were TOO into her. Next time around make sure that you find one that is more or at least equally into you as you are to her. Now print out my signature, post it on your fridge and read it everyday.

[dk.bnz.chi]

no offense , i just read the 1st or 2nd sentence where u said that she left u when u lost something. that should b enough 4 u 2 let that b..h go. u want a girl through thick and thin,not rich and awesome VIP drinking crystal,4 that u can get any b..h ,just go 2 santa monica hotel Viceroy

[SimonSerenade]

Thanks for the post mate, It's reinforced my decision to cut her out of my life completely, When I begged and pleaded for her back I was under the assumption I'd made all of the mistakes and was pretty much the devil himself in the relationship, I was remembering her from the start of the relationship as the wonderful happy sensitive person she was, The girl who'd hold me up high like a number 1 trophy, Almost like my mind had cut out all the pain she'd caused.

 

After our son was born she moved out on me and took our son to her mother's, I begged and pleaded for them to come back so much that she then finished me, 2 months later she gave me a "second chance", Lasted for around a year or so until she finished me for good, I wish now I'd of just got over her back then as it might not of been so painful and I actually felt like I was moving on back then.

 

Within the year or so that we were together again thing's had changed or should I say she had changed, She was cold, heartless, ruthless and selfish, Pretty much a fallen angel from heaven just falling further until it reaches hell, She treated me badly cause she knew she could, She turned violent, She destroyed every little good part of me and made me into somebody who was constantly on edge just waiting for something else to be done or said that would make me feel much more worthless than I already felt, I went from being the first place trophy to being the world's biggest and smelliest dump, Little by little she gave less of a damn and I became less and less a priority to her, I know now I'd never take her back as I doubt she'd ever change.

[AlisaMarie]

The hard part about that yo-yo relationship that you described, is that it is hard to REALLY accept it's over because you are so used to being back and fourth. I think you hit the ground at some point and HAVE to walk. You are going to be ok. Just cut any ties and act as if she is dead to you. Gone... period. It will be hard for the months ahead. Don't even worry about Christmas... spend it with people that love you.

[confused_pjl]

So I received some disturbing updates today. I went for lunch with an old co-worker who works in the HR dept of where my ex works. Apparently the other guy has been very much a consistent part of her life during the entire 4 months we were trying to work things out. No wonder it didn't work out. She was never fully committed to working things out with me because she was still seeing the other guy. Apparently he has been going to her house and she has been going to his. Makes me sick to my stomach to know that I was played like this for 4 months. I think only a sick person could do something like this. She would bring me to her house and bring her sisters to my house, talk about spending christmas together etc. WTF!

 

I am SO glad I made this decision now. I only wish I was able to see these signs earlier and make this decision sooner. Im so disgusted and hurt. I don't know wether to cry or put my fist through a wall. I have so many mixed emotions going on right now that I don't know what to do or how to react.

[AlisaMarie]

So I received some disturbing updates today. I went for lunch with an old co-worker who works in the HR dept of where my ex works. Apparently the other guy has been very much a consistent part of her life during the entire 4 months we were trying to work things out. No wonder it didn't work out. She was never fully committed to working things out with me because she was still seeing the other guy. Apparently he has been going to her house and she has been going to his. Makes me sick to my stomach to know that I was played like this for 4 months. I think only a sick person could do something like this. She would bring me to her house and bring her sisters to my house, talk about spending christmas together etc. WTF!

 

I am SO glad I made this decision now. I only wish I was able to see these signs earlier and make this decision sooner. Im so disgusted and hurt. I don't know wether to cry or put my fist through a wall. I have so many mixed emotions going on right now that I don't know what to do or how to react.

Hey... you're going t obe ok! I always find stuff out esp when the pain is still fresh. Don't let it eat you alive. Cut yourself out of her life for good now since you know what type of person she is. All of my exes have done that to me... moved on, then wanted some more from me. I am thinking it's because the new person sucks. None of my exes will EVER find anyone as great as me for a gf. She won't find anyone like you.

[Don_da_Ho]

Bro, I think it's usually better to be angry than depressed, to punch a wall than to cry. I know this hurts, but at some point you will stand back, realize she's a P.O.S. and say "Good. He can have her. She's HIS problem now". It's very likely one of them will screw the other one over. You can take some solace in that thought.

[Trovador]

I no longer have to be uncertain, I no longer have to deal with the disappointment and rejection.

 

do what I couldn't do, be strong, ignore them and walk away.

 

Thanks, bro, you are helping me to reinforce the decision I took concerning my ex and second chances... yep, I also got tired of her behavior, or rather, I got fed up... let's let some poor saps to deal with them...

[confused_pjl]

I'm glad to hear that my story is helping people make the decisions I couldn't make and hopefully giving them strength to do so. I am still confident this was the right decision for me to make, however, I am going through a bit of separation anxiety.

 

I'm so used to her reaching out to me after every time we've had a struggle that I have to say, I'm having a hard time NOT expecting it to happen. Even though I don't want it to happen because I need to move on, I can't help but expect it. This is creating a challenge for me and making it hard to move on.

 

The support I get from you, my friends and my family helps give me strength and confidence. I know things will get better, I do. Its the journey to that point thats the struggle. I feel like I'm at an emotional crossroads, where I can go either way. One way is to sadness and depression, the other leads to strength, confidence and certainty. I'm having a hard time forcing myself down the road of strength, confidence and certainty. I think its because deep down, my conscious is expecting to receive an email, txt msg, or FB msg from her. I occasionally find myself checking my phone, email and FB to see if there is a message.

 

Its only been 5 days since I ended things, so I know its still fresh. I'm doing my best to keep her out of sight and out of mind. I'm hoping each day gets better.

[Surfer203]

confused_pjl: You are exactly where I was 1-2 weeks ago.. take the road towards strength and rebirth. I decided to and am starting to feel like myself again. The REAL me from before I was married and beaten down and manipulated to be some one that she preferred. What you are doing is all wrong, checking for texts, emails, FB - you have to knock all of that s*** off. You will drive yourself crazy waiting for a message that will never come. If it did, would you even want to read it? Chances are it is not going to be "hey I love you - let's get back together right now!". Just be realistic with yourself. You may have to come to terms with the fact that the relationship is done and move on. Take the road towards joy and healing. The other road leads no where good.. you will gain nothing from venturing down that road. As far as anger goes, yeah.. be angry.. just don't act out in violence towards anyone and you will receive some benefits of getting rid of the anger. Hit the gym, go running, play the drums, haha whatever you do - do it! Good luck.

[confused_pjl]

So its been just over 1 week of NC. I have to admit, although I'm still sad Im not stressed or suffering from anxiety anymore. I'm still not sure if I'm sad because I miss or her if I'm sad because I know I will be alone for the Holidays. I put my tree up alone this weekend. An event I thought would be extremely hard on me, and wasn't. It depressed me a bit because this was one of our traditions. Putting up the tree and watching christmas movies together. In order to help create a new beginning I purchased all new decorations so nothing on the tree reminds me of her or us. This was actually a big step for me because I felt myself hesitating. Hesitating to put up the tree because I didn't want to put it up without her. So this was another step for me of "moving on".

 

I'm still having a hard time dealing with the fact that she is back with the other guy. Every time I feel myself missing her, I think about how she made me feel the past 4 months and how better off I am without her. I have to admit that I am also still having a hard time moving on because I'm expecting her to contact me. I know that I can control this because I should NOT respond back if she does. I'm just so used of this being the norm over the past 6 months.

 

I still feel my self being weak at times. I'm relying on my friends, family and this forum to keep me strong. The people on this forum have been so helpful to me during these tough times. I really appreciate it. Its a huge help. Thank You.

[confused_pjl]

Well, I was expecting to have a hard time coping through the holidays. Although I was sad, I did pretty good. However, she sent me a Merry Christmas message on FB. I sent her parents a Christmas card, nothing fancy, just wishing them a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I received an FB update on my phone Christmas day around 11AM. Her message really was nothing, she just wished me a merry christmas, said she hopes I get everything I want in the new year and thanked me for sending her parents a christmas card.

 

Blows my mind that she actually had the nerve to send me that message. For one, she knew she was dating the other guy while she was seeing me, and it was me that ended things between us this time and yet after 3 wks of NC she sends me a merry christmas? Plus, it wasn't her place to thank me, I sent the card to her parents, not her.

 

Anyway, I deleted it and never responded back. My new obstacle is getting through New Years. All my friends are in relationships and they want to do a house party. I want to spend it with my friends but don't want to be that guy, depressed because he's all alone.

[eeazee]

Cheer up man... I totally understand how u feel.

 

But u need to Get out there, go to the party and have some fun. U never know, u might meet someone really special there.

 

Enjoy

[DustySaltus]

Well, I was expecting to have a hard time coping through the holidays. Although I was sad, I did pretty good. However, she sent me a Merry Christmas message on FB. I sent her parents a Christmas card, nothing fancy, just wishing them a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I received an FB update on my phone Christmas day around 11AM. Her message really was nothing, she just wished me a merry christmas, said she hopes I get everything I want in the new year and thanked me for sending her parents a christmas card.

 

Blows my mind that she actually had the nerve to send me that message. For one, she knew she was dating the other guy while she was seeing me, and it was me that ended things between us this time and yet after 3 wks of NC she sends me a merry christmas? Plus, it wasn't her place to thank me, I sent the card to her parents, not her.

 

Anyway, I deleted it and never responded back. My new obstacle is getting through New Years. All my friends are in relationships and they want to do a house party. I want to spend it with my friends but don't want to be that guy, depressed because he's all alone.

 

After all this girl did to you, you haven't blocked her on FB and all other lines of communication? You said yourself that only someone "sick" would treat another person the way she treated you. That was the ULTIMATE closure right there when she CONTINUED to talk to the other dude during the period she wanted to "work things out".

 

The truth of the matter is that you wanted a response from her when you sent her parents the card. And you really need to ask yourself why.

[Jake99]

After all this girl did to you, you haven't blocked her on FB and all other lines of communication? You said yourself that only someone "sick" would treat another person the way she treated you. That was the ULTIMATE closure right there when she CONTINUED to talk to the other dude during the period she wanted to "work things out".

 

The truth of the matter is that you wanted a response from her when you sent her parents the card. And you really need to ask yourself why.

 

She is using you! You are the true meaning of being on the backburner! Keep NC and continue to work on you. I feel like I was/am in such a similar situation and I decided to focus on me. I will never allow anyone to treat me as a plan B.

NC and move on! It hurts at first but it gets better!!

[NeNinja]

If your friends are anything like mine they'll be TOO helpful on New Year's. Every one I know has 'my wife's friend' 'this girl from work' 'my sister's roomate' 'my girlfriend's cousin' who they can't wait to introduce me to.

 

I just want to chill.

[confused_pjl]

So, as mentioned in my previous posts I sent my ex's parents a Christmas card and my ex ended up sending me a merry christmas facebook message. Well, today I received an email from her mother. Not sure what I should do. Do I just leave it or do a reply with a brief short message. Heres what she says....

------

Hello P, Hope you are well. We wanted to thank you for thinking of us at holiday time. It meant the world to S (S is my ex's sister). I worry about S and she was understandably upset about the breakup of your relationship which seemed sudden and unexpected from our point of view. J (J is my ex) has not said really what was going on just that things didn't work out. I wish we could of been closer in your relationship, J likes to keep me at arms length in her private matters. I do want you to know that we felt you were a good man and a good direction for J. I feel you've helped J to grow in ways we never could and for that we are grateful. I wish you well and happiness and hope you find what your looking for. Keep in touch, Best of luck for 2011.

------

 

What are your thoughts? Your opinions and guidance help me a lot.

[marqueemoon4]

So, as mentioned in my previous posts I sent my ex's parents a Christmas card and my ex ended up sending me a merry christmas facebook message. Well, today I received an email from her mother. Not sure what I should do. Do I just leave it or do a reply with a brief short message. Heres what she says....

------

Hello P, Hope you are well. We wanted to thank you for thinking of us at holiday time. It meant the world to S (S is my ex's sister). I worry about S and she was understandably upset about the breakup of your relationship which seemed sudden and unexpected from our point of view. J (J is my ex) has not said really what was going on just that things didn't work out. I wish we could of been closer in your relationship, J likes to keep me at arms length in her private matters. I do want you to know that we felt you were a good man and a good direction for J. I feel you've helped J to grow in ways we never could and for that we are grateful. I wish you well and happiness and hope you find what your looking for. Keep in touch, Best of luck for 2011.

------

 

What are your thoughts? Your opinions and guidance help me a lot.

 

Thats cool her parents thought highly of you.. doesn't change how she feels but its still nice.

[FoolInLove1]

Yes, it is nice of her parents to get back to you. They obviously think you're a winner, as do we all here on LS!

 

I don't think you should reply though. You have already shown that you are very mature about it all, and I think sending them a message was a great move; however, I suppose there's no further need to engage in communication with her parents at this point. The email they sent you doesn't really require a reply. I'd just leave it.

 

Thanks for posting your story. It's so sad things didn't work out. Her lack of commitment destroyed things though. Too bad ... for her!!!

[Banker Chick]

That was a really nice email from the Mom. I can totally see my Mom doing something like that as she always gets close to any boyfriends I have. I would acknowlege it with something short and sweet along the lines of "Thank you for the very nice email. I will always appreciate everything you did for me and how you treated me. While things didn't work out between myself and J, I will always remember your family fondly. Best wishes for you and the rest of the family in the New Year".

 

It lets her know you got the email, appreciated it and are leaving it at that. I think something like I suggested above doesn't leave much room for further correspondence and in the off chance she does continue communication, you can deal with it then.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[melenkurion]

It means her parents are decent people who liked you a lot and thought you were a good influence in J's life.

 

I got a nice, thoughtful Christmas card wishing me peace and happiness from my ex's parents. They are decent people, who respect me.

[confused_pjl]

Its been over a month since my last post. I will say that after I cut ties with my ex in Dec I worked my way to feeling fantastic. I felt like things could only get better and better. When a thought of my ex popped into my mind and made me feel sad, I immediately thought of what she put me through during our "so called" reconciliation.

 

My struggle now is moving on. All my friends and co-workers keep trying to set me up with girls they know and i have no interest. I just don't care to meet someone right now and I have mixed feelings about that. I don't know if I should be worried that I don't care about meeting someone new because meeting someone may help me move past my ex, or if I should be ok with it and just focus on myself and hope that in time, my feelings will change towards dating.

 

I'm now experiencing a tornado of emotions because I saw my ex at the bar on Friday night and found out she is single again. For the record, I have no intentions of reaching out, I didn't even look or talk to her at the bar. It obviously bothers me. Not sure if it bothers me because deep down I feel that she should be wanting me back in her life now that she is single again or because it means she will be dating other guys, not that its any of my business anymore.

 

Overall, my struggle is completely moving on and dating. Wondering if anyone else has experienced this and what you did to move on and when you were able to move on.

[hurting_in_nw]

Just keep reminding yourself of how awful she treated you and that she's not the person you fell in love with anymore. It's a done deal. Move on.