earliest memories

[painfulxsistense]

When i was 4 my parents divorced my mother and two older brothers move into housing project with mothers twin,divorced, insane sister and her 3 children. she was put into mental institution by her parents for beating her kids and crying nonstop. by this time she is out and grandparents have died. one evening me and my cousin were placed into bathtub together .wasnt long before we realised that soap felt good when rubbed on our penises. mothers walk in and catch us . we are immediately given a beating and then made to wear female cousins dresses. also made to put on lipstick and mothers high heeled shoes all the while being made to walk around the house while being called lil' sissys by our mothers. i remember vividly the taste of ruby red lipstic stumbling around in those high heels with tears of shame running down my lil' face and repeating over and over "i dont wanna be a girl". " mommy i'm not a girl"! the whole time being being laughed at as we begged to take off those damn dresses ..........4 yrs. old.

[painfulxsistense]

sorry for the "double post" damn cellphone internet!

 

 

 

lets jump ahead to 5 yrs old........i get caught having sex with my female cousin she is 7 (get a beating) but the "brow beating" hurts worse..".little pervert!", "someone should cut off your penis!"...etc..............few months later nice spring day i'm outside catching yellow jackets as they suckle on dandelions. i will grab one and hold it until it stings. then crush it to death and go on to the next. my mother calls me inside and see's my swollen hands. i try to shamefully hide my erection from her as she holds my hands under cold running water.......5 yrs old.. (this obsession with hurting myself as well as others,stays with me throughout my adult life. to this day i thouroughly enjoy a bee/ant sting it sends chills creeping up and down my spine. i soon learn that a cigarette burn will emulate a bee sting in a pinch!)

Edited December 5, 2010 by painfulxsistense

[Tiberius]

I think you need help to deal with it beyond what people on here can offer.

[painfulxsistense]

age 5........ at our new foster parents and crying at the window looking out into the rainy night and crying for my mother. made to sleep naked with another boy on plastic covered bed because of pissing in pants. head held in toilet bowl hands behind back for forgetting to flush. i remember my older brother being placed inside of a red box with hole in top for head to stick out of. box was placed strategically on lawn to afford it the direct august sunlight. 30 muniutes -1 hour. we aptly named it the "hot box"

age 6........... come home to mother she has already given birth and adopted him out. she was in a home for unwed mothers. she has a new boyfriend (A.W.O.L. FROM MARINES). he is changing flat on her car and i walk up behind him and stab him in the back with a screw driver.......my future step father........

[Feelin Frisky]

I think you need help to deal with it beyond what people on here can offer.

 

 

Ditto. You're pouring out some childhood trauma that no one is likely to have answers for how to deal with as an adult. All I can see is others possibly co-miserating and I know I sure don't want to think about my crappy childhood right now. If you can't get pro help, perhaps you might seeks some forums for support with childhood trauma, abuse and guilt.