married too young, want out...

[fueg0]

I got married at the age of 19. It was a complicated situation. My then fiance and I were in Asia, and he was planning to move back here (to the US). Everyone was against our engagement; my mother, mostly. My father wasn't too happy either, but we were able to convince him to allow it, along with his parents. I thought that it would work, and that everyone was wrong about our situation: we WOULD pull through.

 

3 days ago, I realized that they were right. I was too young, and I still have a lot of growing up to do. I was too busy trying to prove everyone wrong to realize that I DID have alot of growing up to do. I've been married to my husband for a little over a year now, and I only realized when we moved to the US that we have so little in common. We were too busy fighting everyone who didn't agree with us to realize it. What makes it worse is that I'm the only one who sees it that way. He is satisfied with where we are as a couple. I'm not. And little by little, I'm starting to fall out of love for the man I thought I married.

 

I don't want to drag it on and waste the rest of my youth living a life of a lie. I know I've tried to involve myself in the situation and look at the brighter side of things: we are financially stable, we have a house, we both work...but at the back of my head, I'm thinking...is that all there is to it?

 

I realized that I don't really know myself. I don't want to follow my mother's footsteps (I come from a broken family) and waste months/years being tied down to something I don't feel for. I think I need to step out and find out who I really am, what I really want, and where I should start. I can't do that while I'm 20 and tied to a marriage. I know I realized it too late, and now I want to take a few steps back...Get out of the marriage and think for myself, with no ties, before I do any more damage...

 

Any advice? I feel so lost.

[moimeme]

Some arranged marriages have turned into love. Why not see a couples counsellor with your husband? You could possibly find what you're seeking under your own roof. If not, the counsellor can help you extract yourself and decide what to do next.

[carla]

I was in that boat once myself. I ended up leaving my husband. After several bad relationships I thought to myself the my ex husband wasn't that bad maybe I should have stuck it out. I didn't realise this until years had passed, and we both had moved on with our lives. Anyway I finally did meet the right guy. But now the twenties have come and gone, the thirties are passing quickly. To old to have to have children. (I think for me) The only children that I'll have is step children. So still at this age and with the experiences that I've lived through I will still always have a hole in my heart.

 

My advise to you is before you get to the point of no return, and actually begin to hate your husband for nothing that he really did. Get coucilling and try your hardest to stay open minded. Think of the things that you do want in life. Why can't you do them as a married woman? Unforunately we were on a waiting list for councilling once they got to our name I had all ready left, and was so bull headed I was not going back. The grass in not always greener on the other side.

 

If you want to leave b/c of another man ........ well of course everything will be all lovey dovey for the first little while, wasn't that way with your husband? That to will wear off. You maybe in the comfort zone and need some spice to liven your marriage up abit. If you can go away on a hoilday just the 2 of you that may bring the love back.

 

What ever you do think long and hard and try to think open mindly, think about your husbands point of view. And remember it's not always an easy road when you have to go it alone. Think of driving by yourself in a city that you've never been. It can be scary. Good Luck .

[Arieltke]

Any advice? I feel so lost.

 

 

 

My wife, ex-wife / well the woman who left me on monday, left me for many of the same reasons that you decided to leave. She just turned 21 and realized that she did not love me in the way that she should. She told me that she does not want to be married any more and that she was married too young (17). I of course am devastated but am in no way going to stand in her way because she is young and has her whole life ahead of her.

 

My advice to you is to maybe do things together to try an rekindle something that was there before. Try to date again. You fell in love for some reason. There is something wonderfully special about having a best friend and someone that you can trust in with everything with you at all times. When you lose that you feel lost and lonely. Maybe you can start a new life with new adventures together. I am sure if he loves you he is willing to jump through hell and highwater as long as it it doesnt hurt him to make you happy.

 

Being married doesnt mean being bored. Being married doesnt mean you have a big burden locked on your shoulders. Maybe you just have to shift your views on marraige a little.

[sweetbilly]

I don't know if you have children, but I wouldn't until you know how you really feel. Your life may be in the dumpers but there's no reason to bring others into it to. This is a good reason to date for along time before getting married. Don't waste ten years of your life living in regret. Talk it over with him, maybe he feels the same way too. What's the worst that could happen. You might get a devorce, but it doesn't seem like that would bother you anyway.

[julieg]

speaking from experience, if you truly feel that you will not look back 10-20 years from now with regret then leave. there is something extra special about being each others one and only. the grass is not always greener. he and you will grow together. he is not the person he will be in 10 years and neither are you. do you think there is potential for him to interest you for the rest of your llife intellectually, spiritually and emotionally. really this is so important! julie