What's wrong?

[OrdealByFire]

My girlfriend and I have been together 9 months (I posted it on here a few months ago, there are people here that have probably already read this.)

 

Basically, I've screwed up countless times. Not as far as cheating - I'm one person that really never would - but I've just said stupid things. She says she forgives me, but she admits she's scared to tell me things. Even when she says things are okay, I can tell something's wrong. She promises me there's nothing wrong, but she seems to deal with us not talking fairly well.

 

I admit to having some sort of obsession with her, but I've really worked on controlling myself.

 

When we talk on the phone, MOST of the time, it's great. The conversations are random and entertaining. Then other times it's just about silence. We both know something's wrong, but not sure what it is.

 

It's like the 'spark' is there, then gone. Then back again, and vanishes. It's really frustrating. I've asked her over and over what she's thinking, but I think everyone knows there's no real way to get a girl to tell you what's going on in her head. Her excuse for everything seems to exclusively be, "I just need you here..."

 

Anyone...?

[wwjj2255]

"I just want you here" is an easy reply, but it's code for "I'm not so sure this is what I want anymore," especially when you are acting so desperate. "What are you thinking? How 'bout now?" Leave her alone. Find your own things to do. That's your best bet. If you must obsess, do it in private. NEVER let a woman know how obsessed you are with her. I obsess a little too, but I keep it all in. Women are attracted to confidence. When you constantly ask questions seeking affirmation that shows the opposite of confidence.

[wwjj2255]

Oh and by the way, if you end up breaking up, it probably would have happened anyways. But would you rather go out in style or like a puss? Also, if you act like a man about it, she might have second thoughts.

[OrdealByFire]

I don't know. For her not loving me anymore or something, she sure still seems to get jealous about a lot of things. And she's pretty clingy herself. So I mean... I don't know. That's why it's hard for me to comprehend.

[spice4life]

Has anything happened in your relationship in the past that may have caused her to clam up around you? I was like that with someone because of things that happened and I ennded up feeling like I didn't have the freedom to truly express myself in the relationship. A heart to heart would have helped but it was hard to ask for it.

[OrdealByFire]

We've both done stupid things. No cheating, but with us both being so jealous, it's still hard to forgive. Not just that, but we had pretty much just gotten out of BAD relationships. We both know we rushed in too fast, but that can't be taken back.

 

I'm really encouraging her to open up and trust me without creeping her out completely.

 

EDIT: But then times like right now, I'll send a full 160 char. text, and she'll send back 5 words. I'll send another. She'll reply with 3. Am I making too big a deal out of this, or am I missing the hint that she's losing interest? I'm tempted to just ask her if I should bother trying anymore.

Edited December 5, 2010 by OrdealByFire

[spice4life]

There is nothing wrong with asking her what is going on. But you have to do it in an non-threatening way. In other words, make it safe for her to spill the beans so to speak about what's going on with her. But, wait a few days first because maybe she is processing some stuff right now.

 

You do have a right to know where you stand so you can begin making some choices for yourself. If the short texts from her are a new thing, it is possible she is pulling away a bit. Does she give you responses that you can reply to or are they kind of closed leaving no room for a response?

 

Either way, just give her a few days and then go from there.

[OrdealByFire]

She says she wants to talk. She apologizes for not talking. She leaves a lot of dots/periods. She still promises she's the way she is because she wants me to be with her.

 

If I say I'm at my friend's house, she instantly gives short texts that seem frustrated or jealous, like she thinks I'm cheating or something.

[wwjj2255]

It sounds like you are trying to convince yourself. I'm telling you, the more confident you appear to be and the less you show her that you are obsessing, the better off you'll be, whether you guys work out or not.

[OrdealByFire]

Convince myself of what?

[spice4life]

Well that's a good sign then. I don't think she would say she wants to talk if she didn't mean it. Usually, when girls sat they are willing to talk they mean it. Now you just have to work on your trust issues. Have you asked her what it is that you can do to make her feel more secure? If you want to have decent relationship then trust needs to be established. Has she always been mistrusting? Or is it due to how things played out between the two of you? If it has always been an issue with her she needs to figure that out. If it is due to something the two of you did to one another then you need to try and work it out together. Take it one step at a time, don't try to force anything and see how things go.

[madjac74]

You look really young and Im just curious if this is your first girlfriend? People tend to obsess about their first but keep in mind it is highly unlikely that this will be the girl you are with forever. Especially with all this jealousy and constant need for reassurance. Try to learn something from this relationship and move on. You will have plenty more relationships and failures. Live and learn and when you find the right one you won't have all these petty grade school problems...you will have all new complex ones Although some people never get over jealousy and carry it relationship to relationship and it will destroy everyone of them. It is an absolutely useless and destructive emotion so the best thing you can do is exorcise the jealousy demon for future relationships. Good luck!

[folieadeux]

I agree with all of the advice given and remember you from your previous posts. Regardless of your ages, carrying on like this, at any age, will only lead to failure. I understand you obviously care about this girl, but it's not healthy for both of you to obsess the way you have been. Exuding confidence really is the best approach as another poster said, in every aspect of life. If things work out great, if not, it won't be the end of the world. You shouldn't have to stress this much about any relationship. Sounds like you both could use something else to occupy your time too instead of constantly worrying about what the other is doing.

[OrdealByFire]

She's telling me now that she wants a break. Her reason for it is, "I can't not be with you."

 

That makes no sense. Why would her only reason for wanting to take a break be that. I've even asked her that, she she sticks to it.

 

For loving me as much as she says she does, she has a weird way of dealing with things.

[spice4life]

She's telling me now that she wants a break. Her reason for it is, "I can't not be with you."

 

That makes no sense. Why would her only reason for wanting to take a break be that. I've even asked her that, she she sticks to it.

 

For loving me as much as she says she does, she has a weird way of dealing with things.

 

Well, you're right, unless you are currently attached to another, it doesnt make any sense. To me, that would be the only plausable explanation. I'm not saying that is your case, only saying that is the only way (to me anyway) that it would make sense.

 

If she's asked for a break then all you can do is give it to her. She sounds a bit confused. Give her space so she can sort out whatever it is she is trying to sort out. Keep yourself busy in the meantime with friends and family to keep yourself distracted.

[OrdealByFire]

It's all I can do.

 

I've asked her probably too many times if there's someone else and she promises me there isn't, but hell if I know. It's impossible to know.

[spice4life]

After giving it more thought, it sounds like she is saying that if she is with you she wants to be with you and if that is not possible, she can't do it. Is there anything going on that is keeping the two of from truly exploring a relationship? If there is, then that is where you will find your answer. If there is something, is there a work around that is acceptable to her?

[OrdealByFire]

The problem is our parents. They don't want the relationship to happen because of age differences, so we can't see each other. She keeps telling me over and over that the only problem is that she "Can't not" be with me, like I said.

 

I don't know... I'm not sure how her not talking to me would hurt less. I even asked her that. I just don't understand it.

 

I'm still under the suspicion that she's just found someone else or something, but there's no use freaking out because of that... she's been cheated on and lied to excessively in the past, so I wouldn't think she'd do that same thing right back to me.

Edited December 5, 2010 by OrdealByFire

[madjac74]

This suddenly makes more sense. The fact that she can not be with you is hard so she believes that the relationship might as well end. Why keep talking to you and falling in love with you more when it is just a tease and she cant actually be with you. Trust me it makes sense. Its the reason my relationship has nearly ended a few times. It's a burden of many LDRs im sure

 

Oh and stop assuming you are being cheated on. Its not fair to her or you! Until you have actual proof you need to give people the benefit of the doubt

Edited December 6, 2010 by madjac74

[spice4life]

This suddenly makes more sense. The fact that she can not be with you is hard so she believes that the relationship might as well end. Why keep talking to you and falling in love with you more when it is just a tease and she cant actually be with you. Trust me it makes sense. Its the reason my relationship has nearly ended a few times. It's a burden of many LDRs im sure

 

Oh and stop assuming you are being cheated on. Its not fair to her or you! Until you have actual proof you need to give people the benefit of the doubt

 

Excellent post! Madjac is right about giving people the benefit of the doubt too!

[OrdealByFire]

She went to a school dance and looked ridiculously beautiful and said she only danced with girls - I mean, if I went to a dance, she'd think I danced with (a) girl(s) too.

 

Like I don't confront her and accuse her of it or anything, I know that'd just make things a lot worse.

 

And she does keep talking to me. She said she wanted a break and all of this, but she's still talking. I promised to find a way to go and see her some time after New Years so she gets to see me, even though our parents don't want us to.

 

Romeo and Juliet?

 

It's illegal for me to do it without permission with the age gap, but I need to see her too. :l ... I wish I didn't have to be in this situation. We should have been born in the same year, or relatively the same year...

[madjac74]

Romeo and Juliet were forbidden to see each other because the families hated each other and we also know what happened to them in the end. An age difference is a valid reason for a parent to prevent a relationship with their daughter if she is under 18. What is the age difference?

[OrdealByFire]

I already realize that I'll be labeled a 'pedophile' with 'more mental problems to count,' but she's 14, I'm 19. Believe me, I know how bad this looks, but for what it's worth, I am NOT in this for the sex, and she doesn't act or look like she's 14 at all. [Clearly. I'd have tried by now... and I also made a past thread about this.]

 

I don't know. I probably won't even meet her just knowing how huge that risk is. I'll probably just try to lure her away from me like she probably wants me to do to her. Or. Her do to me. I hate words.

 

I know she needs to live her life, but I'm abnormally selfish. She had a school dance Saturday, and afterwards was when she basically told me; "I love you too much to not be with you." It sounded sincere because she said a lot afterwards, but she could be good at BS'ing. Then today, she didn't text me during her lunch hour when she usually does.

 

The only way I can really get my mind SOMEWHAT off of everything is if I hang out with friends. Even then... I don't know. I can admit I need help with being not obsessive. She's the same way though, but. I don't know if that means anything.

 

Feel free to judge as you'd like, but I have good intentions. I'm not a terrible person, although I expect nothing but "You sick bastard..." comments.

[folieadeux]

I'm confused, have you guys met in person yet?

 

In regards to the age issue, I really do think it's in BOTH of your best interests to leave this be. Once she's of age, you can do whatever you want and if the love is really there; the wait won't make a difference.

 

I know you say she's mature for her age, but no 14 year old is mentally or financially prepared to sustain an LDR, or really any long term relationship, in my opinion. I'm twice her age and still struggle at times.

 

Everything you've posted now makes perfect sense to me. She's acting the way she is because she's still a kid. You're not a sick bastard, you just fell for someone younger than you. But being the adult, it's your responsibility to do the right thing...and as hard as it is to accept, you know what that reality is.

[hannie_1988]

Maybe she's worried a lot of things but probably don't know how to elaborate properly? Or maybe if she tells you what she's thinking or feeling, you might get angry or probably start a really bad argument? I don't know, she's a bit confusing but a lot of girls are pretty scared lots of things especially when they're in a relationship because they don't like getting rejections, hurt or get into a really bad argument which may cause the break ups? I think you should give it more time and make her feel comfortable and get used to you.. and then work things out gradually.