can't deal with this

[jonathan]

I just got dumbed by my girl who I've been with for 5 years. I have been with her since she and I was 15 years old. now we are 21. She said that she feels like she is missing out of a lot of stuff like just being young and stupid. and going to partyies. But what I do not understand is that she is taking it so light. kind of like I do not matter to her. Like she does not care.

 

I still love this girl but she does not love me. She likes to party and I feel that I still need to protect her. I was there for her when nobody cared for her, not even her parents. now that she feels better about herself (cause she lost wieght) and I picked her up when she was down, she goes off and dumbs me. everything thing I did was for her.

 

I dont know what to do. I can't sleep, eat, I can't watch movies or play my playstation2 cause it reminds me of her. It has been 1 week since and it hurts so bad. She was my air, my sun and my heart. and with out them I can't live. does it get worse? I can't find ways to deal with this.

[Tony T]

She's young and still maturing. You have to give people time to grow up. Find a more mature lady.

[sonofhud]

I've come to the conclusion to avoid dating girls between the ages of 17-23.....they all wanna go out and have fun. So aim high and go for a 30 year old. I'm still trying to hit the target.....

[hurtingandconfused]

Geez sonofhud don't tell all men your secret. I am trying to do the same thing date women from 23-26. If most men find out, then I will have no one for me.=P

 

I dont know what to do.

 

What do you want from this relationship? You're 21, unless you are the heir to a couple million, I doubt that you are able to support each other.

 

First thing you should do is take care of yourself. Eat regularly and try sleeping. I know that sleeping is hard, but relax in bed at night, close your eyes and simply try. Don't watch movies! Most movies have people falling inlove. Also it took me a good month for me to enjoying the games I use to play.

 

She was my air, my sun and my heart. and with out them I can't live.

 

Yes you can live. Don't talk call her don't make any contact with her. Play it cool and live your life. Pick up new hobbies and if you must start talking to other people. Go out! Have fun! You are better than this, she did not get the best of you!

[Islandsaway]

I hear you, it's so hard.

 

I'm on week three, my sobs of desperation and temper tantrum cries have stopped. I just have a melancholy wash over me, and feel like doing absotuly nothing. They say it gets better with time, I supose this is true, compare to two weeks ago - I am atleast functioning now.

 

It's so hard though, I'm having the hardest time controling my thoughts. I have these dialogues in my head things I would say to him, I hear a noise in the hall and wish it was him coming, or a car in the driveway, or the phone rings... it never ends.

 

I am 24, he was 20...same goes for the ladies, date older for sure. I took a risk with him and ended up comepletly broken hearted. He just lacks the maturity and experience to give himself to anyone right now.

[jonathan]

thank you all for taking the time to write back. I now know what to do about this. But there still is one problem! I dont want to move on. and by this happening what I know and what I feel are different. I lost my job I lost my health and I think I'm losing my mind. Why do I want to be with a girl that is going to take my life away. I never thought this would hurt this bad.

 

I can't deal with the pain and the heart break for a long time. I know all that I need is time. that is the only thing that can make things right. But now I have to go through life loving her and missing her. Till the the day I die. Always thinking about her saying to myself "for 5 years she was in my life. and now all I have are memories." How will I ever trust another girl again? I will now go on with my life ( without her) making things normal and the way my life was without her just like we never have been. this chapter in my book has ended. Time for a new chapter. But I dont know how to start it. I keep reaing the last page over and over again.

[CaterpillarGirl]

Originally posted by jonathan

thank you all for taking the time to write back. I now know what to do about this. But there still is one problem! I dont want to move on. and by this happening what I know and what I feel are different. I lost my job I lost my health and I think I'm losing my mind. Why do I want to be with a girl that is going to take my life away. I never thought this would hurt this bad.

 

I can't deal with the pain and the heart break for a long time. Time for a new chapter. But I dont know how to start it. I keep reaing the last page over and over again.

 

Please see a counselor. He/she will help you find methods to deal with the pain. If you lost your job over this trauma, you definitely need to seek help. If you are still attending school, most colleges and universities offer these services for free or very reduced fees.

[FreeMe]

Jonathan,

 

It just happened. You have to give yourself time. You're not going to start feeling better right away. Trust me that there will come a day when you don't miss her or even think about her. You are very young. I know you basically grew up together and she will probably always be special to you but you will find another love. Right now she's just being thoughtless and immature. She will also come to realize everything you were to her. Right now she's probably not thinking of that - she's being selfish, which is not necessarily wrong at her age. It's only wrong in that it's extremely hurtful to you. She'll realize that someday.

 

For now, listen to the other posters and take care of yourself. Try to do things you enjoy. Force yourself to spend time with other friends and people who make you laugh. Hang in there!

[jonathan]

So is it better to love and lost then to never love at all? who is to say? I think that nobody should ever go through this feeling of lost. but I also think that everybody needs love. Love is very powerful and you cant just take that away. you dont get to pick and choose who you fall in love with.

 

everything in our lives is so fragile. one minute you have it and the next it can be taking away.

 

 

I'm not crazy. but for the past 5 years i lived a life with one person. And I didn't want another girl. I still don't. one of the hardest things to do is STARTING OVER.

 

I let her win and now she knows that. I fell down and it feels like I can't get back up. BUT I WILL. I just don't want to go on the rest of my life with the love for her

[CaterpillarGirl]

Originally posted by jonathan

I let her win and now she knows that.

 

jonathan,

 

there are no winners and losers in breaking up. Nobody is proud of the fact that a relationship they were in has failed. I'm sure she is regretful that it didn't succeed, but she has acknowledged that the relationship was not what she needed, acted responsibly, and moved on. She could have cheated on you, kept coming back, and generally created an unhealthy relationship, but instead she was honest with you and left. I know it hurts! But if you cannot see that your life can still be better, still have meaning without her love, if you feel unable to move forward, then please speak to a therapist, okay?

[emptydude]

Originally posted by jonathan

So is it better to love and lost then to never love at all? who is to say? I think that nobody should ever go through this feeling of lost. but I also think that everybody needs love. Love is very powerful and you cant just take that away. you dont get to pick and choose who you fall in love with.

 

everything in our lives is so fragile. one minute you have it and the next it can be taking away.

 

 

I'm not crazy. but for the past 5 years i lived a life with one person. And I didn't want another girl. I still don't. one of the hardest things to do is STARTING OVER.

 

I let her win and now she knows that. I fell down and it feels like I can't get back up. BUT I WILL. I just don't want to go on the rest of my life with the love for her

 

I know EXACTLY what you mean Jonathan. I lived for 8 years with one person, and starting over is looking like it's going to be the HARDEST thing to do. I started the process of boxing away all her old love notes to me, and that was extremely difficult. You read those things and see how she said things like "i love you and we'll be together forever", and it just makes you upset to no end. But you'll make it.

[jonathan]

For the past year she felt this way and siad nothing. just pushed it all to the back of her head. she used me and she lied to me. telling me everything was ok but in fact is wasn't.

 

I gave her money when she needed it. I paid her bills. she told me she wants to grow old get married and have kids. she was happy that her bills were paid. she said to me this " Now we are closer to getting our lifes in order, move out and live together." THIS WAS JUST 2 WEEKS AGO. So no she did not act responsilby. SHE USED ME. I did let her go but that does not stop the hurt and the emotions that come with it

[gaia]

Yes, it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Only a small number of people end up staying with their first love forever. You'll be hard pushed to find more than a handful of people on this site who haven't had to deal with at least one major break-up. Thing is, if you avoid taking the risk, you'll never have the happiness either.

 

Sure, it hurts like hell at the moment. It's like a bereavement, you need to mourn the loss. No way will you get over this in a week, but get over it you will in time. I'm worried about the extent of your despair though and I agree with Caterpillar Girl - try and find yourself a good therapist.

[jonathan]

So much to say so little time for me to explain the way I feel she only see them the way she want to see them. It makes sense to her all these things she do she got it all figured out while everybody is confused. How you do it? I’m not who she is. I can’t do anything right. I can’t be like her don’t want to be like don’t. No matter what I do it is never good enough. So why try I give up. She is lovely so beautiful and she is perfect in way.

 

Right here right now I’m stopping from hiding. I will make it go away. Can’t be here no more. These feeling will be gone. Now I see the time to change and leaving doesn’t seem so strange. I’m hoping I can find what I left behind. All alone I seem to break I lived the best I can. But it makes more a man. I’m not her passenger.

[meanon]

jonathan, my friend and I have been talking about your last post. It's a little confusing. Would you post again and let us know you are OK? Or get some help straight away if you are not. There are people here who have felt just like you, let them help you.

 

You are right, this experience will make a man of you - will give you a depth of character and appreciation of the good in life that will make you a better person. You will gain from this. You will always love her but it won't always hurt like this.

 

I hope your message marked a turn for the better. If not know all have limits to what we can cope with and when they are breached we need help to pull through - seek that help, please.

[newcommer]

I am reading all of your replies and responses and It just amazes me how us humans go through this stuff. I posted an ad on the dating forum titled, "

I fell in love with an ugly unemployed man and now he does not want 'ME'."

 

As I reread some of the comments I see how I am a complete idiot. I see how it is amazing others did not write, "Get a life you dumb >>>>>>>". Pathetic, yet it does not stop you from feeling a slight depression and wishing things would be different. I wish we did not feel so strongly and that all people could walk away from Toxic situations as readily as others. But we can not all do that. Some people are lucky and can walk away and never look back. Others of us get knots in our stomachs and feel like we are so alone. Thank God for this site! Thank God for great people with the hearts and compassion to want to take time out and write and help!

[gaia]

Jonathan, we need to know you're OK. I read the last post you wrote several times and although I think you're saying that you are ready to move on, there's a nagging doubt in my mind that you might not be, in a big way.

 

Please post again soon

[jonathan]

I'm fine. I'm not crazy and I'm not going to hurt myself. In any way shape or form. Dont be worried or scared that I am not thinking straight. Cause I dont know what to think. At this point of my life, things are looking better. I'm back to college and starting my life where I left off.

 

I am going to a counseler. And he makes me feel so good about myself. But he also told me how to deal with this.

 

But now ..... I feel anger and I need to make her feel upset or bad about herself. Her dad calls me all the time. He says I'm still part of the family and that he wants to hang out sometime. Do you think that is a good idea? I feel that in order to get over this I have to drop all that is about her. EVERYTHING.

[jonathan]

everybody is worried about me. Why cant I feel bad about this. YOU ALL TELL ME TO GET HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT DO YOU ALL THINK I'M DOING?

 

I'm writing to you all asking for help and trust me it is helping. you know! but for people to tell me that I should not feel like this! or that I am not going to make it. I thought that when this happenes to someone that you are aload to feel hurt and upset. the feeling of confusion and heart break is a natural thing. YES i'm confused yes I'm hurt and YES I cant funtion right now, and that is because for the past 5 years I didn't know anything different. to go form seeing someone everyday to not not seeing them at all and not talking to them ( with the person that you love) is a big change. you still feel the need to see them and to talk to them.

 

sorry to make you all worried about me. I just need to get stuff off my chest. I'm lonely. very lonely but I needed this. this is my leason, I was being showed that I can't always be there to protect someone.

[gaia]

Jonathan, I'm glad you're OK and I'm relieved that my nagging doubt was wrong. Don't misunderstand me - nothing I said was supposed to imply that you were not entitled to feel bad. Your upset and hurt is normal and natural.

 

Also, I believe you are going to make it. You will get through this pain and be stronger. This is precisely why I wanted to be sure you weren't contemplating hurting yourself. I know how desperate you can feel in the early stages after a break-up and how it can feel that the pain is unbearable.

 

I think you are right about cutting off all contact with her and her family for now. Tell her dad that you'd like to spend time with him but that you can't face reminders until you're over her. I'm sure he'll understand.

 

Please feel free to vent your feelings as much as you like. I wish you all the best.

[jonathan]

for some reason now I feel angry. I'm not sad anymore ( well a little). Is this ok to feel?

 

I replay her voice in my head and the emotion that comes to me is anger. I still miss her and I will always love her but I can't look at her again the same. I want to call her and tell her to come over and see me... but I also dont want to see her either. Is there anything That I will feel that will make sense?

 

someone put a post up stating the stages of feelings you go through after you break up with someone. 1st step then 2nd step and so on. But I am feeling this steps all at once. or they will come in short time spans through out the day. one secend I will be sad and I will cry. Then as i'm crying I will get angry and start cursing out load. As if she was there with me.

 

what if she was the one for me but I wasn't the one for her? I will go on with my life alone. Is this possible?

 

up and down up and down up and down. that is the feeling I feel.

 

I need to talk to her and see her. It is like she is my DRUG. but I know we will fight cause I'll get angry at her if I see her.

[jonathan]

If there is any way I can eplain the way I feel better, just listen to a group called P.O.D. and the song is called "anything right." listen to it and that is how I feel. they say It best.

[meanon]

Yes it's OK to feel angry, totally OK. You will feel many different overwhelming emotions for a while and then you will begin to feel better, to feel you can face the future with hope.

 

It makes sense to me - you want to see her because you love and miss her, you don't want to see her because you are angry with her for causing you pain and for changing her mind about you. People feel everything you do, sometimes guilt/self crticism (what did I do?) too and often not in neat stages but more a cycle of going around and around until they reach acceptance. You'll get over it quicker if you don't contact her for a while. If she is your drug you need to break the habit, withdrawal is best.

 

There's more than one person for you in this world. You'll find love again and it will be all the better for this first love.

[MeToo]

Jonathan, I have followed you post front it’s insertion. I witness the progression of your emotional state up to now. The “initial news” of your breakup caught you by surprise and that was what your [color=red]Subconscious[/color] was dealing with. Now come the rejection, resentment, and anger (still normal reactions). Posters like CaterpillarGirl, gaia, and meanon have heard and read scenarios, like your, many time before. We are giving you the benefit of our acquired knowledge. We’re here to help not hamper. With that said, let MeToo interject……….

 

This type of relationship came together rather earlier (A Committed Relationship). From what your initial post said (and I’m Para-phrasing), [color=blue]you rode in; scooped her up; dusted her off; and gave her back the “self esteem” she now has. Very commendable, Jonathan. Now that she’s fully able to walk boldly (she has lost weight) forward, she doesn’t need a crutch (you) anymore.[/color]

What you have described to this post is a classic broken relationship. You are not alone on this one, Jonathan. Keep your eyes on this forum and “we” will “try” to help you swim through these troubled waters (emotional state, self-esteem repairing). The healing process have already begun……….

 

Both her and you are at an age where the world is still before you. She elected to “test” fresher grounds while you are left to put back the pieces before starting your come back. These mixed emotional feelings will be with you a bit longer so hang in there.

 

First, “the crawling” stage.

Your heart is all-important right now. You’ll have to deal with it first (we are getting ready to sort this thing out). Reframe from contacting or talking to her for now. It will be hard but it is absolutely necessary in order for you to work on yourself. Sure you’re gonna think about her but Jonathan, IT MUST BE DONE! Start doing something (not done before by the both of you) to take your mind off her and the break-up. You’ll see after a while that the thought of her will start to fade.

 

I’ll stop here. Start as soon as possible. Later, I’ll discuss the “Up-Right Stage”.

[jonathan]

I live so close to her. I saw her drive when I was driving and we drove right past each other. I felt angry. and as the time clicks away I'm starting to feel nothing for her. My emotions seem to be getting numb. My heart is doing all the work and it is not including me. I still hurts over the break-up but my heart it telling me to "shut up you cry baby." I didn't think I could go on living without her, but it is almost like this is a natural things that your body deals with.

 

I did talk to her after I saw her driving. And all I felt coming from her was Like a blank stare. I looked into her eyes and saw black whitch to me means to me that there is nothing there. She does not love me anymore and she is not in love with me anymore. there is nothing there. that Is what she told me. she said "I dont care I dont love and I'm not in love with you anymore."

 

I thought you will always love your first love? Didn't do anything wrong for this to happen.

 

I dont know... it was for the best and I see it. but I still feel that I need to look after her! the only thing that stoped her from doing really bad things was me and now I'm not there. I am afraid for her.