Should you expect your partner to make you happy?

[Jamone]

Hi LSers.

I thought i'd start a new thread rather than tacking this to my original one. On one of our MANY discussions my wife asked me if i expected her to make me happy. I said for the most part, yes. She promptly told me that she can't make me happy only i can do that. So the point of being married is??

 

Any thoughts?

[AlektraClementine]

Hi LSers.

I thought i'd start a new thread rather than tacking this to my original one. On one of our MANY discussions my wife asked me if i expected her to make me happy. I said for the most part, yes. She promptly told me that she can't make me happy only i can do that. So the point of being married is??

 

Any thoughts?

 

Here are my thoughts:

 

Each person is responsible for creating happiness for themselves and with themselves. No one person is responsible for your feelings and reactions.

 

With that said, being with a partner who doesn't contribute to your happiness and the happiness of the relationship is pointless.

[xxoo]

While an awful partner can make you miserable, a fabulous partner can not necessarily make you happy. Only you can make you happy. It is an impossible burden to put on her.

 

Is she acting in ways that make you unhappy? If so, can you address those issues specifically? Or better yet, reevaluate if this relationship is where you need to be?

 

If not, what is standing in the way of your happiness?

 

In the best relationships, two whole people come together to share life's joys and sorrows. Together, the joys are doubled and the burdens are halved. That is the point of being married. But each is still complete and happy independent of the other.

[hoping2heal]

Hi LSers.

I thought i'd start a new thread rather than tacking this to my original one. On one of our MANY discussions my wife asked me if i expected her to make me happy. I said for the most part, yes. She promptly told me that she can't make me happy only i can do that. So the point of being married is??

 

Any thoughts?

 

We all need trusting, intimate relationships to make us happy. That does not always mean in the form of a romantic partner either. We need that though, with someone. There are many dimensions of health affected if we do not have that kind of relationship be it with a friend or what have you. That said, the dynamic completely changes when we have a spouse. When we have a spouse we absolutely should have a mutual trusting, intimate relationship. Intimacy is not exclusive to sex. It simply means close, personal. We confide in them and they us. We are emotionally available to one another.

 

That said, sometimes there are personal demons we battle that were present prior to our relationship, in which case it is not our spouse's responsibility nor can they absolve it. There are things we need to take personal responsibility for and seek the methods available to us to help us deal with it. While a spouse can support us, they can't fix the problem for us. That is usually something that requires us to work on ourselves.

[Jamone]

Fair comments, which is why i said for the most part, yes. I however think that that person can influence your happiness...if that makes any sense, and if you have your own issues that you need to sort out, wouldn't it make it that bit more difficult when the person you look to provide that 'silver lining' in your low state doesn't appear to care?

 

This will inevitably lead to a downward spiral, no?

 

Thanks for the views so far, they're making me think.

[westrock]

Fair comments, which is why i said for the most part, yes.

 

You would be better off to say: for the most part, no.

 

It is too much of a burden to place on another person the responsibility to make us happy. Ultimately, we are responsible for our own happiness. If we cannot make ourselves happy, how can we expect someone else to do that for us?

 

Having said that, in a romantic relationship it is important to create an environment of support and love for our partner. That is the most we can do when it comes to the happiness of our partner. When they are down we should be there for them. However, they are still responsible for their own happiness.

[phillygirl]

i am of the belief that we are responsible for our own happiness.

 

although i do NOT agree that one's spouse is responsible for our happiness; i believe that one's spouse should NOT promote/create. et al, an unhappy environment.

 

now, if the "unhappy party" perceives that their unhappiness is due to their partner "not making them happy", i think that's less about the partner "promoting/creating" unhappiness; and more of an indication of latent unhappiness, in the unhappy partner.

[Jamone]

Thank you all. You've given me food for thought. I am aware that someone cannot make someone else happy because it is internal and not something that can be physically fixed and it is up to that person, through introspection or intervention to address their issues. Thanks for the confirmation and insight.

[hoping2heal]

Thank you all. You've given me food for thought. I am aware that someone cannot make someone else happy because it is internal and not something that can be physically fixed and it is up to that person, through introspection or intervention to address their issues. Thanks for the confirmation and insight.

 

Jamone, I came across your other post. When the people we are in a relationship with become a stalemate, the positive affects felt in healthy intimate relationships are replaced by negative affects which affect us greatly. This is damaging to our health in many ways and as a result many things, more than just emotionally or mentally. I know people do not often examine their relationships from a health stand point. While your wife can't be responsible for your sole happiness, shutting you out and treating you the way she does, constantily invalidating you the way she has - could be a large part - of what is causing your current discontent. It certainly compounds by a large margin. Sorry you are going through that.

[OpenBook]

So the point of being married is??

 

The point of being married is to raise children. And if you're really REALLY lucky, to have a "guaranteed friend" (if there is such a thing) by your side, a life partner to weather the storms with, as well as share the good times.

 

Romance dies after awhile, for 99.9% of all people. It lasts just long enough to motivate us humans to establish a formal bond with each other, so that the kids will have a fighting chance to survive after they're born (parents fostering / defending them against the world).

 

I believe most of the problems that plague marriages today spring from our impossibly high expectations on what we'll get out of marriage.

[hoping2heal]

The point of being married is to raise children. And if you're really REALLY lucky, to have a "guaranteed friend" (if there is such a thing) by your side, a life partner to weather the storms with, as well as share the good times.

 

Romance dies after awhile, for 99.9% of all people. It lasts just long enough to motivate us humans to establish a formal bond with each other, so that the kids will have a fighting chance to survive after they're born (parents fostering / defending them against the world).

 

I believe most of the problems that plague marriages today spring from our impossibly high expectations on what we'll get out of marriage.

 

I disagree. There are people who marry never planning to have children. Also, I don't believe 99.9% of all marriages experience the loss of Romance over time. If so? I must be awfully lucky to be running into the bulk of that population. There is a difference between couples who fake it, and those who are genuine. It's so easy to spot. I have known plenty of couples still in love after children, life, and age has gotten in the way.

 

I observe the work they put into those bonds also. As diverse as the couples are, they have some common denominators. They seem to be honest and thoughtful and stay open for their partners. They don't give so much of themselves away to other people (children, friends, colleagues) that there is nothing left for each other. They stay close and they grow together as a result. There are happy couples out there.

[Feelin Frisky]

I've learned to be happy with my partner NOT MAKING ME UNHAPPY. It's not hard to be happy and not all that hard to be a good presence in someone else's life. I guess the trouble starts when people think it's too much about them and lose sight of their being two separate lives involved. I'd rather be single and unfulfilled than in a relationship where I have to serve and serve and serve and serve and serve and still not get the credit for having served. What about me?

[GooseChaser]

Spouses aren't expected to make their partners happy? By that logic, I guess there is no expectation of sex, even if the partner desires it. After all, their happiness isn't our responsibility... right?

[whichwayisup]

She promptly told me that she can't make me happy only i can do that. So the point of being married is??

 

Your wife is more than likely saying that you need to have things in your life that make you happy too, not put it ALL on her to meet every single one of your needs, be the only person in your life, spend 24/7 together. Each person in the marriage has to have separate interests, things they like to do on their own and not HAVE to entertain eachother. It's a healthy dynamic to have in a marriage.

 

Are you a happy person in general or do you need your wife to make you feel happy all the time?

[Jamone]

Thanks for the kind words hoping2heal. I've been through having the physical hurt as well as everything else. My current state of mind is one of indifference, not really thinking, or caring about what the future holds. Not a good place to be but that's the current phase i'm going through. Just general numbness.

 

OpenBook I have quite a few friends who have been married, some up to 40+ years who are still very happy and still very much in love. I can still see their faces lighting up when they talk about their SO so i'm afraid i have to disagree with you about the 99.9% part. Unless of course they are part of the 0.1% minority, in which case i'm quite lucky to know so many. I also disagree with the having kids part. There are many couples who don't wish to have kids as well as the more mature couples whose children are probably grown and they can't (or don't wish to) have anymore.

 

I strongly believe that people get married not only for the physical but that they complement each other and that their SO will further enrich their lives. I believe they should be best friends and through their union forget 'self' and adopt a more unified way of thinking and living, which will in turn strengthen the bond that they have already created. It's the combination of physical, mental and emotional ties that link them.

 

whichwayisup that's a very valid point. Prior to getting married i had things that made me happy but our daughter came quite early on in the marriage and i chose to sacrifice quite a bit so i could be home with them, esp since she took a year off work.

 

I used to be a very happy person, to the extent that people occasionally asked me if i ever got upset. Now i'm not so happy but i'm working on it. It hadn't dawned on me how much i'd changed until more and more people at work started telling me that i'm not my usual self anymore. To be honest, i'm not really sure what makes me happy anymore. I'd never expect my wife to make me happy all the time and i do accept some responsibility for my happiness but i believe she can affect the way i feel.

 

GooseChaser:Whether or not i expect sex (which i do), i'm not getting any, so by your theory i'm EXTREMELY unhappy!

[GooseChaser]

I'm saying that there are expectations that come with marriage. The two don't just fend for themselves solely; that's what singles do. A spouse should do things to make their partner happy. It is a good way to show love. I guess married people never need to buy flowers or gifts, help out around the house, spend quality time, or anything. No-- of course they do.

 

I'm saying that a marriage where the partners don't make each other happy isn't much of a marriage at all. Of course the individual has the most control over their happiness, but if there is one other person who should care about your happiness, that is your spouse.

 

I understand what your wife means, though-- the whole "only you are responsible for your own happiness" thing.

[kuma]

I'm saying that a marriage where the partners don't make each other happy isn't much of a marriage at all. Of course the individual has the most control over their happiness, but if there is one other person who should care about your happiness, that is your spouse.

 

I understand what your wife means, though-- the whole "only you are responsible for your own happiness" thing.

 

I agree with this. OP, have you read the book "His needs, Her needs"? I haven't read it yet, but I've heard that it is really good.

Edited December 7, 2010 by kuma