mm just out of an affair

[greengoddess]

last time i spoke to ow i told her i would go home and tell wife everyting that instant .. she was nt having any of it ... she didnt want the break upof marriage on her conscience .... she wanted to cut ties with me so be doing it for my self and not her ...im not sure now if she still wants me to be honest cause she has nt made any contact in 3 weeks and she wont any time soon ... came here to get insight into her mind by the way and not to be told im a coward as some suggested .. i have nt covered myself in glory and i have been selfish...i am trying now to clear my head to do right thing ... yes i am scared of messing up more .. i know all about fear and being scared .. i am ex armed forces , box , sky dive and climbed dodgy mountains ... you dont survive those things if you are a coward ... i may be stupid but i am not a coward and i have always faced my fears head on like a man and i will do so again

Hiding an affair from your wife, little kids and family is not facing anything head on. Leaving an ow flounder for a year and a half not knowing her future with a man is not facing things head on.

[greengoddess]

had grown apart from wife before ow came along .. we were not sharing same bed or doing anything together ..it did seem even then as it was matter of time ...the sex thing totally went before ow as well .. she lost all interest and didnt want to do anything about it ... we were so happy one time in every way ... the kids kept us together when things went stale ...

 

 

hmmmm I wonder if she had an affair first...

[whichwayisup]

So, what do you want? Divorce? Work on your marriage? You still haven't said what you're going to do. You say your marriage wasn't great before the A, did you ever sit and talk to your wife? Things went stale, due to life, kids and the routine .. but you both let it happen. IS your marriage worth throwing away without even trying? You obviously loved your wife at some point, enough to marry her and have kids. Do you want that love back? Keep your family together, fight for the life you once had when everybody was happy?

[BB07]

Tiger here are my suggestions, remove the OW as much as possible from the decision at hand. Do not contact her in any way. Get through the holidays and then at the first of the year, you have a decision to make. If you are positive (and I don't think you are or you would have already left) that you are done with your marriage, then do it with as much dignity and class as you can. If you think there is a shred of hope for your marriage, then tell her your wife the truth and do not contact OW through any of these stages. Then when your wife has the truth, both of you can decide if it's worth saving or not. Yes you have to give her some time to process the affair before you can expect a sane response.

 

If you leave your marriage at the first of the year, then contact your OW but you should NOT date her or have a relationship until your divorce but you can tell her you've moved out. You need to learn to be alone and be OK with your decision before you will be capable of having a healthy relationship with her so if you truly love her, don't drag her through the ****e of flip flopping back and forth. Yes it's a risk that you might lose her, but you didn't really have her, nor did she have you from the beginning.

 

Give yourself, your wife and the OW the dignity and respect they deserve by not dragging them through anymore ****e than is absolutely required and that means leaving them alone until you get through your own crap. There will be less guilt and regret all the way around if you start now by being a honorable man.

[bentnotbroken]

how have i been a coward to ow ??? she knew was married from start . i never lied or strung her along and when it came to it i was pprepared to leave .. and she just walked away then ...

 

 

Indeed she knew you were married. Your cowardly acts toward her

 

1) you involved yourself with her while you were still married(same for BS)

 

2) you put the reason for you living on your feelings for her instead of it was the right thing to do because you wanted to. You made her you scapegoat.

 

3)you kept a relationship going for months with her while you told her how "sincerely" you cared for her.

 

4)You were "prepared" to leave(though this makes as much sense as being a little pregnant)but you didn't did you? You waited and waited and waited...sounds less like being prepared and more like fence sitting.

 

5)You blame her for walking away( "if she really wanted me she wouldn't have walked away") and saving herself. Your self pity is cowardly in this instance. Face yourself.

 

6)Her opinion of loving you enough to set you free "annoyed" you. Why because you didn't get your way?

 

 

I am not a fan of people who have affairs or get involved knowingly in with those who have affairs...but the ow in your situation has shown more strength than you on at least 3 occasions.

 

1) she left a marriage she was not happy in for herself without a safety net(I assume)

 

2) she refused to be the reason for a you leaving yours

 

3) NC and maintaining it.

 

That takes some balls.

[tigers1970]

hmmmm I wonder if she had an affair first...

you d love that to be true would nt ya!!!!!!

[greengoddess]

not sharing the same bed is a lot more than things going stale. Something happened that you are not sharing.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Is it possible you and your wife might BOTH want out of the marriage? Maybe you are going through all of this for nothing.

[greengoddess]

you d love that to be true would nt ya!!!!!!

 

Odd. Being new and not knowing me and based on my advice which has been in favor of your ow why would you say that?

 

I think sleeping in separate bed rooms is a huge huge red flag. Women can't compartmentalize like men. I wonder if she has someone else if she won't even sleep in the same bedroom.

[whichwayisup]

How old are your kids?

 

I know you're hurting and confused - Consider counselling just to help you make a decision once the holidays are over.

[tigers1970]

Indeed she knew you were married. Your cowardly acts toward her

 

1) you involved yourself with her while you were still married(same for BS)

 

2) you put the reason for you living on your feelings for her instead of it was the right thing to do because you wanted to. You made her you scapegoat.

 

3)you kept a relationship going for months with her while you told her how "sincerely" you cared for her.

 

4)You were "prepared" to leave(though this makes as much sense as being a little pregnant)but you didn't did you? You waited and waited and waited...sounds less like being prepared and more like fence sitting.

 

5)You blame her for walking away( "if she really wanted me she wouldn't have walked away") and saving herself. Your self pity is cowardly in this instance. Face yourself.

 

6)Her opinion of loving you enough to set you free "annoyed" you. Why because you didn't get your way?

 

 

I am not a fan of people who have affairs or get involved knowingly in with those who have affairs...but the ow in your situation has shown more strength than you on at least 3 occasions.

 

1) she left a marriage she was not happy in for herself without a safety net(I assume)

 

2) she refused to be the reason for a you leaving yours

 

3) NC and maintaining it.

 

That takes some balls.

god you re good at this

[Owl]

Tiger...I too am ex-military, and have lived an "interesting" life.

 

From my perspective, while you may not be a "coward", you are absolutely not demonstrating any of the attributes that you've used in these other aspects of your life.

 

You're just sitting there whining and crying about the situation. You're NOT taking any action at all, other than sitting there lamenting over how things have gone.

 

I'm sorry...but as a man who's lived some similar experiences, and gone through some pretty rough times myself, my first thought is to tell you to man up, stop with the pity party, and start THINKING, and start taking some action to FIX the situation.

 

Here's the basics for you.

 

You can't have both women in your life.

 

Go back and re-read that again.

 

Maybe even one more time.

 

Now...if your relationship with the OW is currently on hiatus, ignore it for just a moment.

 

Is your marriage fixable from your perspective? Are you willing to put forth the effort it will take to do so?

 

If the answer to either of these is no...or even I don't think so...your next step is ending the marriage.

 

It has nothing to do with OW...and everything to do with doing the right thing for EVERYONE involved.

 

If the answer to both is yes...then that tells you that you need to end the relationship with OW.

 

So dry your eyes, get up, and run that litmus test...and then get off your butt and start MOVING in the direction you've chosen.

 

I don't care which you choose.

 

It doesn't matter to me.

 

But if you want to start acting like the man who's done all that you say you have...then step up and make a choice and get shyte done.

 

Let us know what your choice is...and LS can offer support in either direction.

[tigers1970]

Odd. Being new and not knowing me and based on my advice which has been in favor of your ow why would you say that?

 

I think sleeping in separate bed rooms is a huge huge red flag. Women can't compartmentalize like men. I wonder if she has someone else if she won't even sleep in the same bedroom.

it felt like if she did have affair first would serve him (me) right , remark

[bentnotbroken]

it felt like if she did have affair first would serve him (me) right , remark

 

 

Affairs are not right..no matter who did what first. And no one...I repeat no one deserves to be betrayed in that way.

[greengoddess]

so tigers when and why did one of you move out of the bedroom?

[tigers1970]

Tiger...I too am ex-military, and have lived an "interesting" life.

 

From my perspective, while you may not be a "coward", you are absolutely not demonstrating any of the attributes that you've used in these other aspects of your life.

 

You're just sitting there whining and crying about the situation. You're NOT taking any action at all, other than sitting there lamenting over how things have gone.

 

I'm sorry...but as a man who's lived some similar experiences, and gone through some pretty rough times myself, my first thought is to tell you to man up, stop with the pity party, and start THINKING, and start taking some action to FIX the situation.

 

Here's the basics for you.

 

You can't have both women in your life.

 

Go back and re-read that again.

 

Maybe even one more time.

 

Now...if your relationship with the OW is currently on hiatus, ignore it for just a moment.

 

Is your marriage fixable from your perspective? Are you willing to put forth the effort it will take to do so?

 

If the answer to either of these is no...or even I don't think so...your next step is ending the marriage.

 

It has nothing to do with OW...and everything to do with doing the right thing for EVERYONE involved.

 

If the answer to both is yes...then that tells you that you need to end the relationship with OW.

 

So dry your eyes, get up, and run that litmus test...and then get off your butt and start MOVING in the direction you've chosen.

 

I don't care which you choose.

 

It doesn't matter to me.

 

But if you want to start acting like the man who's done all that you say you have...then step up and make a choice and get shyte done.

 

Let us know what your choice is...and LS can offer support in either direction.

you are right , i have been weak on this one and not proud . i will step up

[tigers1970]

How old are your kids?

 

I know you're hurting and confused - Consider counselling just to help you make a decision once the holidays are over.

i have two girls aged 10 and 8 ... my hurt and confusion is being construed as self pity and whining by some here tho!!! i am not a weak shallow person by nature but am still human and not infallible... as regards the holidays ..i think yes i dont want to move out before x mas

[tigers1970]

so tigers when and why did one of you move out of the bedroom?

our girls were always restless at night .. when they woke and cried she nearly always got up and went into their bed ... that how it started .. then when i was away from home for few dys she would sleep with them all night

[Owl]

you are right , i have been weak on this one and not proud . i will step up

 

Good. So what's your choice, and what's the start of your gameplan to reach your goal?

[greengoddess]

i have two girls aged 10 and 8 ... my hurt and confusion is being construed as self pity and whining by some here tho!!! i am not a weak shallow person by nature but am still human and not infallible... as regards the holidays ..i think yes i dont want to move out before x mas

 

 

is that because your wife and kids feelings are more important than your other woman's? She quite possibly could not face a second holiday season alone and that is why she ended it.

 

Don't you think playing happy family and then breaking the news after the holidays is cruel? It will hurt your wife no matter what. She will think about how false the holidays were and so will the kids.

 

Why wait? Tell your wife. Start a new year with a new start.

[tigers1970]

Hello,

to the guy who originally started this thread...

 

Having been a "betrayed spouse" I can tell you that what you are doing to your wife by not telling her what is going on is unfair. If you feel like you want out of your marriage to be with someone else, then tell her so. You don't have to be cruel, but let her know what is going on and give her the choice of what she wants to do. She has been your wife and stood by you, you owe her at least that much.

 

 

As for the other woman, she may be running now because she doesn't want to see herself as the reason that your marriage ended. Maybe she doesn't feel the same way about you that you feel about her. maybe she has just had enough of the whole thing. Who knows? But you owe it to her to respect her decision and take care of your own stuff at home and make sure that's all dealt with before you come after her. It's only fair...

 

If your marriage ends, take some time to get yourself settled and "find yourself" as a single guy before you start something else. If your "other woman" still cares for you, hopefully she'll still be around and you can be together "guilt free", if not, then perhaps it's for the best. if your marriage does stay together, then at least you won't have put your "other woman" through a lot of needless heartache.

thank you , sound advice

[whichwayisup]

i have two girls aged 10 and 8 ... my hurt and confusion is being construed as self pity and whining by some here tho!!! i am not a weak shallow person by nature but am still human and not infallible... as regards the holidays ..i think yes i dont want to move out before x mas

 

It sounds like you do want out of your marriage, or leaning towards that way. My only concern is, you walking away without giving it your best.. For your kids sake. To really work with your wife to bring back that passion and love again. It was once there.. Has too much really happened to not try to gain it back? or are you afraid of the hard work, putting in real effort and making changes? it would be awful a year from now, you look back and have real remorse and regret walking away from your family unit as one, without trying..but, if you feel it's over, then yes, talk to your wife. Just be prepared for anything and everything as to her reaction(s).

[spice4life]

So I see they have brought out the 2 x 4's on ya.

 

This is good thing! It might be tough love but it is needed to shake you out of the fog and into the light. As a single OW, there is no way I would have wanted him leave specifically for me. I would have wanted him to leave because it was the right thing to do for him. If he did the former it would have meant he still had an emotional attachment to his wife. That's means the chance of him turning tail and running home would be a lot greater. If he did the latter, it would have meant he emotionally divorced from his wife as well. It says he is man who is in charge of who he is and knows what he wants.

 

Keep posting, I can see it is starting help already...lol. and no worries, if someone steps out of line you can grab a 2 x 4 and smack em back.

[greengoddess]

our girls were always restless at night .. when they woke and cried she nearly always got up and went into their bed ... that how it started .. then when i was away from home for few dys she would sleep with them all night

 

 

ahhh so she was busy being a mom and taking care of the kids and you felt neglected. At your daughters ages they should be sleeping alone. This is not good for them. I'm sure you know that but it was probably easier on your guilt this way.

[awkward]

I do see that this is hard for you, but IMO you are the one making this harder. If you want to leave before the holidays then do it. This should have nothing to do with the OW being there for you or not. You are an adult man.

 

How about ending all the waffling today? You could sit down with your wife and tell her the truth. You can make a decision and end the suffering of the people who happen to love you. How about today?