mm just out of an affair

[tigers1970]

is that because your wife and kids feelings are more important than your other woman's? She quite possibly could not face a second holiday season alone and that is why she ended it.

 

Don't you think playing happy family and then breaking the news after the holidays is cruel? It will hurt your wife no matter what. She will think about how false the holidays were and so will the kids.

 

Why wait? Tell your wife. Start a new year with a new start.

cruel either way is it not?

[whichwayisup]

our girls were always restless at night .. when they woke and cried she nearly always got up and went into their bed ... that how it started .. then when i was away from home for few dys she would sleep with them all night

 

Honestly, it just sounds like you both let "life, kids, and other stuff" get in the way and neither of you made ANY effort to BE husband and wife. Doing nothing and just plunging ahead, like all is okay, being a family but you and your wife forgot that you two were/are lovers -- Resentments build ,frustrations are there, it's easier to suck it up and be quiet than talk and sort it out, put that effort in. you let another woman in, get too close and now here you are, stuck and confused.

 

Yes the OW knew you were married, she should have said No, but so could have you!! Both you and the OW are responsible for the affair and the consquences of it.

[Dexter Morgan]

is a married man just out of an 18 month affair welcome to chat at this forum??

 

its a public forum, he can post where he likes.

 

word of advice, his posts may not be well received in the infidelity section, maybe even the cheating, flirting and jealousy section.......and rightfully so.

[Owl]

cruel either way is it not?

 

Cruel outcomes were a certainty the moment the affair started. It's part and parcel of having an affair to begin with.

 

All you can do at this point is to choose the best outcome that you can...there will be no "everyone wraps up happy" outcome from this situation, and you're better off not even wasting your time looking for it.

[greengoddess]

cruel either way is it not?

 

It's especially cruel to keep your wife in the dark any longer. During the holidays she will have plenty of family and friends to support her. To wait till after the holidays and be a pretend family buying her a present is wrong.

 

It is also showing that you are putting your wife and kids feelings ahead of your ow as you have done the entire affair.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

is that because your wife and kids feelings are more important than your other woman's? She quite possibly could not face a second holiday season alone and that is why she ended it.

 

Don't you think playing happy family and then breaking the news after the holidays is cruel? It will hurt your wife no matter what. She will think about how false the holidays were and so will the kids.

 

Why wait? Tell your wife. Start a new year with a new start.

 

I can't imagine any parent not putting it off until after the holidays. Why have Christmas associated with something this life changing for the rest of their lives. If he acted that rashly I would consider him unstable. The only thing that has changed in the last year and a half is that now there is no contact. I do think it will be a very sad Christmas for the OP being the only one present with knowledge that it will be their last as a family unit, but as MANY people can attest, there is life after divorce.

[tigers1970]

So I see they have brought out the 2 x 4's on ya.

 

This is good thing! It might be tough love but it is needed to shake you out of the fog and into the light. As a single OW, there is no way I would have wanted him leave specifically for me. I would have wanted him to leave because it was the right thing to do for him. If he did the former it would have meant he still had an emotional attachment to his wife. That's means the chance of him turning tail and running home would be a lot greater. If he did the latter, it would have meant he emotionally divorced from his wife as well. It says he is man who is in charge of who he is and knows what he wants.

 

Keep posting, I can see it is starting help already...lol. and no worries, if someone steps out of line you can grab a 2 x 4 and smack em back.

tell ya would nt turn my back on some of them here:D the lions den

[whichwayisup]

Do not do this (leave) before Christmas, your girls are too young and it'll ruin their future Christmas's for a long long time.

[skywriter]

yes it is cruel either way.

 

So, the way I am interpreting your OW's intentions are to step out of the picture because she does love you.

 

 

By stepping away, she's doing right by you and your family.

 

It's not her place to interfere and maybe she understands that regardless of how she feels about you, it's the right thing to do.

 

It hurts me writting this because this is what I believe, for myself as well.

 

Maybe she loves you enough to be the stronger person, the person you can truly love because she stands by her convictions.

 

She may have been selfish in the past because she wanted you selfishly then, but now she may want you entirely or not at all.

[tigers1970]

its a public forum, he can post where he likes.

 

word of advice, his posts may not be well received in the infidelity section, maybe even the cheating, flirting and jealousy section.......and rightfully so.

not going great here either !!! tough love here dude

[greengoddess]

tell ya would nt turn my back on some of them here:D the lions den

 

 

odd again. I really don't find anyone being particularly mean to you and I see a lot of honest advice.

Ask someone in real life and see what advice you get and what they would say. Honestly, when they find out you have been cheating on your wife and jerking another woman around too I don't think it will be very nice.

 

You seem to be enjoying this for someone who is really hurt and conflicted. Short answers, with no real feelings in them at all. NONE. Maybe you are emotionally vacant and that is why you can't commit to either woman.

[Owl]

tell ya would nt turn my back on some of them here:D the lions den

 

Trust me...the vast majority (to include myself) have treated you quite respectfully.

 

No one here that I've seen so far has attacked you...only offered advice and support that you likely hadn't considered entertaining at this time.

 

Support/advice is NOT molly-coddling or holding your hand while you make bad decisions or not take actions that you need to.

 

You've gotten quite a bit of support here...the question is...what NOW?

 

What are you going to do NOW?

 

You need to make a choice, and you need to take action.

 

What's your choice?

[KarmasTestDummy]

last time i spoke to ow i told her i would go home and tell wife everyting that instant .. she was nt having any of it ... she didnt want the break upof marriage on her conscience .... she wanted to cut ties with me so be doing it for my self and not her ...im not sure now if she still wants me to be honest cause she has nt made any contact in 3 weeks and she wont any time soon ... came here to get insight into her mind by the way and not to be told im a coward as some suggested .. i have nt covered myself in glory and i have been selfish...i am trying now to clear my head to do right thing ... yes i am scared of messing up more .. i know all about fear and being scared .. i am ex armed forces , box , sky dive and climbed dodgy mountains ... you dont survive those things if you are a coward ... i may be stupid but i am not a coward and i have always faced my fears head on like a man and i will do so again

 

I don't think you are a coward. You sound much braver actually then many of our own MM who would never sacrifice for our love. It's really hard to say whether she will take you back or not. We are all individuals in that sense regarding guilt, morality...some even only like the relationship for the thrill of being with someone they can't have, and the thought of that changing either scares them away or no longer turns them on. She was however, invested for a very long time. That is something very difficult to just walk away from. I see her point in not wanting you to leave FOR her. I didn't want that of my mm either. Maybe she is as insecure as I am in thinking you would always regret it. That's a lot of pressure. Maybe she didn't want you to move in right away and knew you would have nowhere else to go. Maybe she fears being a step-mom. There's a million and one possibilities but we do know one thing, you will never get her so long as you are married and living at home. Your wife, is she capable of standing on her own two feet if you do leave?

[whichwayisup]

tell ya would nt turn my back on some of them here:D the lions den

 

Most care and most are giving you tough love, myself included. There's been no name calling etc..

 

Anyway, I'm sure all the words and advice is overwhelming, so taking it all in at once may not happen. Keep re-reading your thread, from start to finish, every few days, you could have missed some good words and advice because of your frame of mind. People tend to hear what they want to hear, depending where they are in their situation.

[greengoddess]

I can't imagine any parent not putting it off until after the holidays. Why have Christmas associated with something this life changing for the rest of their lives. If he acted that rashly I would consider him unstable. The only thing that has changed in the last year and a half is that now there is no contact. I do think it will be a very sad Christmas for the OP being the only one present with knowledge that it will be their last as a family unit, but as MANY people can attest, there is life after divorce.

 

 

Do you really think it matters? Every time of year will have an associaiton to something. Birthdays etc. The lying is what is the most wrong. He needs to stop playing happy family and get honest NOW whether it is to work on his marriage, if his wife lets him, or not.

[tigers1970]

I do see that this is hard for you, but IMO you are the one making this harder. If you want to leave before the holidays then do it. This should have nothing to do with the OW being there for you or not. You are an adult man.

 

How about ending all the waffling today? You could sit down with your wife and tell her the truth. You can make a decision and end the suffering of the people who happen to love you. How about today?

well not home til the week end ,, not goin to tell her over the phone

[tigers1970]

Most care and most are giving you tough love, myself included. There's been no name calling etc..

 

Anyway, I'm sure all the words and advice is overwhelming, so taking it all in at once may not happen. Keep re-reading your thread, from start to finish, every few days, you could have missed some good words and advice because of your frame of mind. People tend to hear what they want to hear, depending where they are in their situation.

is coward not name calling?

[awkward]

The kids are going to hurt and always remember that Daddy left at Christmas. But IMO it is cruel for him to stay. He is not there with his family. He is longing for his OW. With that said, I haven't experienced Daddy leaving for an OW during the holidays so I would stick with the advice of those that have BTDT.

 

Indecisive. Selfish. Needy. Do you want to be like this?

 

And don't write the marriage off. IF you start being honest with your OW, your wife, and yourself you just might find a new understanding on D-Day. You might find yourself begging your wife to forgive you and to give you another chance. Or you might find your wife relieved.

 

Honest. Trustworthy. Strong. Do you want to be like this?

[whichwayisup]

is coward not name calling?

 

Being a coward and being called weak is one thing (non action) and saying outright YOU ARE A COWARD is another. I can't rmember if you were directly called that or if someone was pointing out your behaviour as a coward. Big difference.

 

ANyway, forget that, funny how you focus on that, rather than the (i think) good advice and thoughts I'm giving you.

[bentnotbroken]

is coward not name calling?

 

 

I said all your actions were of those of a coward. Tell me what would you call someone in your unit who wouldn't face what was in front of them? There actions placed the entire unit in jeopardy, mentally,emotionally and physically?

 

What would you call a person who knew what needed to be done yet refused to do and lie about the things they did. They lie to themselves and everybody around them. They live a false life.... a life based on lies. What would you call that person?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Do you really think it matters? Every time of year will have an associaiton to something. Birthdays etc. The lying is what is the most wrong. He needs to stop playing happy family and get honest NOW whether it is to work on his marriage, if his wife lets him, or not.

 

Really I do GG. I think it especially matters for his kids. I think also he needs to think LONG and hard before making a decision and I believe he should get professional counseling. He is in NC now so he isn't actively lying. As a BS I would prefer my kids not associate Christmas with this and I surely wouldn't want to have to muddle through the holiday with the shock of d-day. Looking back, I spent several days curled up in a ball a few states a way in my sisters spare bedroom. I didn't have the energy to shower, I can't imagine trying to pull off Christmas for our family.

[Owl]

Being a coward and being called weak is one thing (non action) and saying outright YOU ARE A COWARD is another. I can't rmember if you were directly called that or if someone was pointing out your behaviour as a coward. Big difference.

 

ANyway, forget that, funny how you focus on that, rather than the (i think) good advice and thoughts I'm giving you.

 

It's interesting to note that there have been 3-4 spots of backhanded comments like this to advice that the OP has been given.

 

Things that make you say "hmmmmm......".

[greengoddess]

is coward not name calling?

 

Are you serious? You are devastating two women and your offended by being told you are acting cowardly by lying for 18 months?

[tigers1970]

Being a coward and being called weak is one thing (non action) and saying outright YOU ARE A COWARD is another. I can't rmember if you were directly called that or if someone was pointing out your behaviour as a coward. Big difference.

 

ANyway, forget that, funny how you focus on that, rather than the (i think) good advice and thoughts I'm giving you.

taking your advice on board too .. and appreciate it

[tigers1970]

Are you serious? You are devastating two women and your offended by being told you are acting cowardly by lying for 18 months?

i lied to wife at times alright , to my where a bouts and other things , never lied to ow