mm just out of an affair

[greengoddess]

Really I do GG. I think it especially matters for his kids. I think also he needs to think LONG and hard before making a decision and I believe he should get professional counseling. He is in NC now so he isn't actively lying. As a BS I would prefer my kids not associate Christmas with this and I surely wouldn't want to have to muddle through the holiday with the shock of d-day. Looking back, I spent several days curled up in a ball a few states a way in my sisters spare bedroom. I didn't have the energy to shower, I can't imagine trying to pull off Christmas for our family.

 

agreed. fair enough. I just think if he does it right after christmas she is going to always know that this christmas was all one big lie. It still destroys it but yet it could save it for the girls.

[Hazyhead]

I don't think you are a coward. You sound much braver actually then many of our own MM who would never sacrifice for our love. It's really hard to say whether she will take you back or not. We are all individuals in that sense regarding guilt, morality...some even only like the relationship for the thrill of being with someone they can't have, and the thought of that changing either scares them away or no longer turns them on. She was however, invested for a very long time. That is something very difficult to just walk away from. I see her point in not wanting you to leave FOR her. I didn't want that of my mm either. Maybe she is as insecure as I am in thinking you would always regret it. That's a lot of pressure. Maybe she didn't want you to move in right away and knew you would have nowhere else to go. Maybe she fears being a step-mom. There's a million and one possibilities but we do know one thing, you will never get her so long as you are married and living at home. Your wife, is she capable of standing on her own two feet if you do leave?

 

But, Karmas, telling his OW and doing it are two totally different things. Didn't your MM say those same words to you? Words mean squat, actions tell the truth. OP, do something. You are only a victim of a situation you made yourself and only you can change it.

[tigers1970]

Hi-

I read in your posts that you were in the military...

I have a question, and it may sound odd at first, but please give it some consideration.

 

Did the issues between you and your wife start around the tome of a deployment, relocation, etc? Sometimes ( well, all the time) life's stresses can be very hard on a marriage, and in "military marriages", there is often a whole lot of extra stresses that most people don't realize are acting upon them.

 

My husband is military too, and our problems started right around the time he was getting ready ( work ups) for deployment. They got worse when, a few months before he was going to go he was the pallbearer for a guy he worked with who had been killed by an IED. We were going through a "bad patch" to start with, but these made it worse.

 

Just asking, as this may or may not be the case for you.

going to war and the fear of being killed for sure put me and her and mariage under lot stress but you are trained for that so def not a major contributing factor but did nt help either ...

[greengoddess]

i lied to wife at times alright , to my where a bouts and other things , never lied to ow

 

 

of course not. Why would you need to right? She already knows you are cheating. You did not lie to your wife at times. You lied to your wife by admission daily and by pretending to be married and in a family when you were playing single dude with the other woman.

[awkward]

 

Things that make you say "hmmmmm......".

 

It could be that he isn't actually new to this forum. Perhaps he's read here before? Maybe looking for his OW's posts or just to find insight into his OW's mind.

 

Anyways I have seen some crazy stuff in this forum. Nothing in this thread is off the wall. I really wish that a year from now he would come back to read this thread and let us know what he thinks then. We call it good advice while some (in this case, the OP) that are consumed by it or deep in it consider it to be harsh, perhaps *cruel*. Maybe later with a more detached perspective he will see it differently. It's not like it would be different if he confided to those around him in real life. He would probably get a lot of the same advice.

[tigers1970]

of course not. Why would you need to right? She already knows you are cheating. You did not lie to your wife at times. You lied to your wife by admission daily and by pretending to be married and in a family when you were playing single dude with the other woman.

cant argue with that can i

[spice4life]

So I see they have brought out the 2 x 4's on ya.

 

This is good thing! It's tough love but it is needed - it shakes you out of the fog and into the light. As a single OW, there is no way I would have wanted him to leave specifically for me. I would have wanted him to leave because it was the right thing to do, for him. If he did the former it would have meant he still had an emotional attachment to his wife. That means there was a greater chance that he would turn tail and run home. That would be devastating. If he did the latter, it would have meant he was emotionally divorced from his wife and ready to move on. It also says he is man who is in charge of who he is and knows what he wants.

 

Keep posting, I can see it is starting help already...lol. and no worries, if someone steps out of line you can grab a 2 x 4 and smack em back.

 

My lord, sorry for all of the typos! Corrected in the quote above.

[tigers1970]

tell me about it,

 

did your wife get any pre/post deployment briefings, etc.? not sure where you are from, but here, most of the spouses do ( at least in the larger deployments-when it's only one or two going for a deployment technical tasking, etc., you are kind of on your own.)

 

I know when my husband came back, was really , really, REALLY glad to see him and that he was home, but a small part of me resented that he had left... and I felt guilty about it.

 

Maybe that's true for your wife as well?

there was all sorts of things available to help her cope but attended little to none ,,, she was never as interested as other military wives .. prob why now im ex military

[Angel1111]

last time i spoke to ow i told her i would go home and tell wife everyting that instant .. she was nt having any of it ... she didnt want the break upof marriage on her conscience .... she wanted to cut ties with me so be doing it for my self and not her ...im not sure now if she still wants me to be honest cause she has nt made any contact in 3 weeks and she wont any time soon ... came here to get insight into her mind by the way and not to be told im a coward as some suggested .. i have nt covered myself in glory and i have been selfish...i am trying now to clear my head to do right thing ... yes i am scared of messing up more .. i know all about fear and being scared .. i am ex armed forces , box , sky dive and climbed dodgy mountains ... you dont survive those things if you are a coward ... i may be stupid but i am not a coward and i have always faced my fears head on like a man and i will do so again

 

If you can, try to ignore the people who are calling you names or being critical. They have their own issues and they're just projecting them onto you.

 

It's really hard to say what the OW is thinking because what she has done is not a reaction I would have. Her behavior seems flakey to me, which is a red flag. Maybe she's overly dramatic, maybe she doesn't want to be with you and is just making excuses - hard to say. This would make me pause because the problem is, you could walk away from your marriage and end up with nothing. Not at any point when MM and I were together would I have bolted if he said he was considering leaving his marriage. I bolted because he would not make that decision.

[tigers1970]

odd again. I really don't find anyone being particularly mean to you and I see a lot of honest advice.

Ask someone in real life and see what advice you get and what they would say. Honestly, when they find out you have been cheating on your wife and jerking another woman around too I don't think it will be very nice.

 

You seem to be enjoying this for someone who is really hurt and conflicted. Short answers, with no real feelings in them at all. NONE. Maybe you are emotionally vacant and that is why you can't commit to either woman.

enjoying no . but am grateful for outlet to say how i feel , tell my story and get feedback .. i have been hardened over the years but im not emotionally vacant .. thsi has caused me lot pain and unlike other things in my life i dont seem to have the skills to deal with affairs of the heart . ive seen good friends of mine on the ground dead before me and dealt with that better

[pureinheart]

last time i spoke to ow i told her i would go home and tell wife everyting that instant .. she was nt having any of it ... she didnt want the break upof marriage on her conscience .... she wanted to cut ties with me so be doing it for my self and not her ...im not sure now if she still wants me to be honest cause she has nt made any contact in 3 weeks and she wont any time soon ... came here to get insight into her mind by the way and not to be told im a coward as some suggested .. i have nt covered myself in glory and i have been selfish...i am trying now to clear my head to do right thing ... yes i am scared of messing up more .. i know all about fear and being scared .. i am ex armed forces , box , sky dive and climbed dodgy mountains ... you dont survive those things if you are a coward ... i may be stupid but i am not a coward and i have always faced my fears head on like a man and i will do so again

 

No, your not a coward...far from it...BTW, thanks sacrificing your life so that we exist in the freedoms that we do.

 

You know who you are and try not to let a few people get to you. Instead of defending yourself and allowing yourself to be put on the defensive, talk to those that are supporting you, you deserve support..((((hugs))))

[Angel1111]

well not home til the week end ,, not goin to tell her over the phone

 

Just my two-cents worth but I think this is a BAD idea. It's a never-ending debate on this site but I'll just say that telling your wife will have unbelievable repercussions; and once the words are out, you can't take them back. I hope you think long and hard about this before you say anything. If there's any chance that you can restore some sanity and feelings in your marriage, then do that. On the flip side, though, maybe your wife does deserve a dose of reality so that she will figure out that couples who don't sleep together find new partners. It's your call - I just hope you don't do something you later regret.

[bentnotbroken]

No, your not a coward...far from it...BTW, thanks sacrificing your life so that we exist in the freedoms that we do.

 

You know who you are and try not to let a few people get to you. Instead of defending yourself and allowing yourself to be put on the defensive, talk to those that are supporting you, you deserve support..((((hugs))))

 

supporting him to do what?

[bentnotbroken]

If you can, try to ignore the people who are calling you names or being critical. They have their own issues and they're just projecting them onto you.

 

It's really hard to say what the OW is thinking because what she has done is not a reaction I would have. Her behavior seems flakey to me, which is a red flag. Maybe she's overly dramatic, maybe she doesn't want to be with you and is just making excuses - hard to say. This would make me pause because the problem is, you could walk away from your marriage and end up with nothing. Not at any point when MM and I were together would I have bolted if he said he was considering leaving his marriage. I bolted because he would not make that decision.

 

 

Projecting what?

[jthorne]

supporting him to do what?

Exactly what I was thinking, especially given that he doesn't even seem to know what he wants!

[tigers1970]

No, your not a coward...far from it...BTW, thanks sacrificing your life so that we exist in the freedoms that we do.

 

You know who you are and try not to let a few people get to you. Instead of defending yourself and allowing yourself to be put on the defensive, talk to those that are supporting you, you deserve support..((((hugs))))

thanks..........

[BB07]

Tiger here are my suggestions, remove the OW as much as possible from the decision at hand. Do not contact her in any way. Get through the holidays and then at the first of the year, you have a decision to make. If you are positive (and I don't think you are or you would have already left) that you are done with your marriage, then do it with as much dignity and class as you can. If you think there is a shred of hope for your marriage, then tell her your wife the truth and do not contact OW through any of these stages. Then when your wife has the truth, both of you can decide if it's worth saving or not. Yes you have to give her some time to process the affair before you can expect a sane response.

 

If you leave your marriage at the first of the year, then contact your OW but you should NOT date her or have a relationship until your divorce but you can tell her you've moved out. You need to learn to be alone and be OK with your decision before you will be capable of having a healthy relationship with her so if you truly love her, don't drag her through the ****e of flip flopping back and forth. Yes it's a risk that you might lose her, but you didn't really have her, nor did she have you from the beginning.

 

Give yourself, your wife and the OW the dignity and respect they deserve by not dragging them through anymore ****e than is absolutely required and that means leaving them alone until you get through your own crap. There will be less guilt and regret all the way around if you start now by being a honorable man.

 

It got lost in the shuffle......and even if I did write it, I still think it's good sound advise.

 

BTW.......do not ruin your kids Christmas, sit on it until then.

[tigers1970]

It got lost in the shuffle......and even if I did write it, I still think it's good sound advise.

 

BTW.......do not ruin your kids Christmas, sit on it until then.

if wife knows truth she would instantly leave the marriage .. if i want to keep the marriage then can never tell her ... have read before that off loading my guilt on to her is even more selfish and cruel .. affair is over now as it stands

[TigerCub]

if wife knows truth she would instantly leave the marriage .. if i want to keep the marriage then can never tell her ... have read before that off loading my guilt on to her is even more selfish and cruel .. affair is over now as it stands

 

I found this interesting

Do you think that maybe your affair was an exit affair? (based on how you think your wife would react - in bold)

 

Also, now it seems like you don't want to tell her - and cause her to leave because the affair is over now - so does that mean that you want to commit to your marriage and try to fix things?

 

Whatever you do - I agree with those that said don't ruin your kids xmas.

 

Good luck to you

[BB07]

if wife knows truth she would instantly leave the marriage .. if i want to keep the marriage then can never tell her ... have read before that off loading my guilt on to her is even more selfish and cruel .. affair is over now as it stands

 

 

Did you read my complete post?

 

Also......don't be so sure that your wife would leave and you are going to catch some flack for your "reasons" for not telling her. I go with the school of thought that you should because she is entitled to know......it's HER LIFE also, not just yours. A year ago I would have said maybe not, but I had a very en-lighting talk with the BS in my situation.

NO ONE should be kept in the dark!

[bentnotbroken]

if wife knows truth she would instantly leave the marriage .. if i want to keep the marriage then can never tell her ... have read before that off loading my guilt on to her is even more selfish and cruel .. affair is over now as it stands

 

 

Yeah, that's typically the lie that the WS tells themselves to cover their own behinds. They don't want the BS to have a say in their own lives. IMO it is because they fear the BS WILL leave and never look back. They don't give the BS the option to chose to fight for the marriage...they force them into staying by default.

[Confused4Now]

I am not a fan of people who have affairs or get involved knowingly in with those who have affairs...but the ow in your situation has shown more strength than you on at least 3 occasions.

 

1) she left a marriage she was not happy in for herself without a safety net(I assume)

 

2) she refused to be the reason for a you leaving yours

 

3) NC and maintaining it.

 

That takes some balls.

Amen to this....this was me as well. Mine is more very limited contact....though.

[Owl]

if wife knows truth she would instantly leave the marriage .. if i want to keep the marriage then can never tell her ... have read before that off loading my guilt on to her is even more selfish and cruel .. affair is over now as it stands

 

If the risk of her leaving the marriage wasn't a great enough issue to PREVENT the affair, why is it a factor now that the affair is over? You were willing to go home and tell your wife the truth when the OW was still in the picture...why aren't you willing to do so now that she's gone?

 

The "risk" hasn't changed. NOTHING has changed except OW isn't there now.

[spice4life]

It's really hard to say what the OW is thinking because what she has done is not a reaction I would have. Her behavior seems flakey to me, which is a red flag. Maybe she's overly dramatic, maybe she doesn't want to be with you and is just making excuses - hard to say. This would make me pause because the problem is, you could walk away from your marriage and end up with nothing. Not at any point when MM and I were together would I have bolted if he said he was considering leaving his marriage. I bolted because he would not make that decision.

 

Angel's advice is very sound here. I want to make it clear that I would not have bolted either under those circumstances, but I do believe that leaving your M should be something you are doing for you and no one else.

 

Like one of the other posters said, re-read your thread again and again for while. Things that aren't making sense right now may start to in a couple of days. I think your doing a great job here...hang in there.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t192097/

 

Read up on notsure7, he came saying most of the same things you are about his OW. He didn't have quite the disconnect with his wife that you do but he wasn't "in love with her" any longer. You seem to have quite a bit of resentment toward your wife. Perhaps this is an exit affair.