mm just out of an affair

[whichwayisup]

It would be crazy to do otherwise.

 

I agree. Suck it up until Christmas, no point in killing your kids hearts and ruining this holiday for them, forever.

 

Arrange sleepovers or for the grandparents to take the kids when you talk to your wife. They should NOT be in the house when you and your wife have the talk.

[tigers1970]

Ok so you don't want to hurt your kids, break the family up? Do you think it will get easier if you stay longer? When you're at home with your children, are you there or are you thinking of your OW? I mean are you being the best father you can be when you are at home?

 

Christmas is self-explanatory.

 

Are you working on saving money for your exit? Is the money a huge issue or more an uncomfortable issue?

 

 

 

So you have a plan. You're going to tell your wife you had an affair and/or that you want a divorce next month?

 

If OW tells you she will not be there for you after you divorce, would you choose then to remain married?

ow is gone for now guys ... im sure that now ... like i said already if im divorced , free and single in 3 months time im not convinced she ll want to get back with me

[herenow]

So, you've decided then..You are leaving your wife and kids. I am sorry to hear that. To leave without trying, without going to marriage counseling, without giving it your best is a shame. But, the choice is yours. Just know that once you go and are divorced, I hope for your sake you don't end up regretting throwing in the towel so soon.

 

I have mentioned it afew times, i'll say it again. DO counselling. YOu are making HUGE decisions, based on the emotions of what you feel for your OW, not your wife. Big mistake.

 

I usually agree with you, but this man has said that he loves the OW and can't see how he can love his wife again. Without his BW knowing the truth, there is only one non-committed person available to work on the marriage. IMO, that would be an impossible task.

 

If he tells his wife and, together, they decide to work on the marriage (for whatever reason), there may be a chance. Without honesty, no chance IMO.

 

If infidelity is a deal breaker for his wife, then the deal is already broken.

[awkward]

I understand what you are saying. So OW will not be there waiting for you and you still want to divorce.

 

Are you going to tell your wife of the affair or just that the marriage is over?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

If you are certain you are leaving her please don't tell her about the affair. It really messes with a woman's psyche and the point will be moot anyway.

[tigers1970]

OK, will there be some other day of significance that will prevent to from being honest? I can understand waiting until Xmas is over but what about New Years, Valentines Day, St. Patricks Day. etc, etc, etc? How many excuses are you planning to give yourself?

ah you talking crap now .... i have faced far worse and stood my ground

[tigers1970]

If you are certain you are leaving her please don't tell her about the affair. It really messes with a woman's psyche and the point will be moot anyway.

anyone else agree with this cause i dont know

[herenow]

ah you talking crap now .... i have faced far worse and stood my ground

 

No not crap, just reality that you have not been honest with your wife for a long time.

[tigers1970]

I usually agree with you, but this man has said that he loves the OW and can't see how he can love his wife again. Without his BW knowing the truth, there is only one non-committed person available to work on the marriage. IMO, that would be an impossible task.

 

If he tells his wife and, together, they decide to work on the marriage (for whatever reason), there may be a chance. Without honesty, no chance IMO.

 

If infidelity is a deal breaker for his wife, then the deal is already broken.

if the person cheating wants to save the marriage , should they still admit the affair

[awkward]

anyone else agree with this cause i dont know

 

When you tell your wife that you want a divorce will she be surprised? Would she think that you might have found someone else? Did you use your cell phone, email, etc. to contact the other woman? Did you use credit cards for affair expenses? In other words, the minute you say you want a divorce is there a chance that your wife will start looking?

 

Do you live in an at-fault state?

[herenow]

anyone else agree with this cause i dont know

 

It depends on why you feel the marriage is over. Is it over because of the OW?

 

I would say the truth is always best. But, if the marriage is over because of other reasons, I would focus on those reasons.

 

However, I would still say tell her about the OW.

[tigers1970]

No not crap, just reality that you have not been honest with your wife for a long time.

agreed but when i decide on course of action then only a gun will stop me .. i do not back down at moment of truth

[herenow]

if the person cheating wants to save the marriage , should they still admit the affair

 

IMO, yes. I don't think a marriage can be saved when one person doesn't know the full truth.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

If you want to save your marriage then she will need to know. If you are for sure leaving,that's painful enough... Don't tell.

[greengoddess]

If you are certain you are leaving her please don't tell her about the affair. It really messes with a woman's psyche and the point will be moot anyway.

 

This woman has been lied to enough. She has been lied to for the last 18 months. The least he can do when he asks for a divorce is be honest and tell her he is in love with someone else.

 

I just don't understand how people can live with themselves lying about such huge things. Get it out. Get it off your chest. It will be a huge relief to be honest to your wife.

[greengoddess]

Oh and you said your wife is not stupid. She will figure it out so do her the courtesy of telling her the truth especially if you want an amicable divorce. She will be insane if you lie about the divorce and then finds out you've been F***ing around for the last year and a half. It's time to be honest.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I know I sound like a broken record, but read the thread of the link I've posted twice, it'll give you a good idea how thing can go.

[tigers1970]

I know I sound like a broken record, but read the thread of the link I've posted twice, it'll give you a good idea how thing can go.

i will , thanks

[BB07]

..........

if the person cheating wants to save the marriage , should they still admit the affair

 

yes!

[SidLyon]

if the person cheating wants to save the marriage , should they still admit the affair

 

I'm a BW and the answer is "yes".

 

My H had an A with an OW who unbeknown to him, at the time, was also having an A with another MM.

 

The d-day of the other BW was a couple of weeks before my d-day, and both d-days were just over 2 years ago now. Both A's had been going on a long time including while the OW was married.

 

The other MM left his BW and 4 kids 2 years ago this week. He has recently filed for divorce from his BW which will be final the day before x-mas. The other BW and I have met and give each other moral support. The OW basically "took" the one that was prepared to leave his own family before X-Mas and not leave her on her own.

 

Meanwhile me and my H have done an excellent job of recovering our marriage. We were not dissimilar to you, having grown apart over the years with a disconnect but no other major issues in the marriage other than the long-term infidelity (ie no disabilities, financial probs, addictions, drugs, alcoholism, major fights, physical abuse, extended family probs etc).

 

Knowledge of the infidelity was what saved our marriage. Neither my H or me could have done it on our own. It forced us to confront and repair things.

 

Of course I'd rather the A hadn't happened, but given that it did it was absolutely the best thing that I knew about it.

[tigers1970]

If you want to save your marriage then she will need to know. If you are for sure leaving,that's painful enough... Don't tell.

she would never find out if i dont tell her ,, leaving or not ,,, why destroy her totally

[tigers1970]

I'm a BW and the answer is "yes".

 

My H had an A with an OW who unbeknown to him, at the time, was also having an A with another MM.

 

The d-day of the other BW was a couple of weeks before my d-day, and both d-days were just over 2 years ago now. Both A's had been going on a long time including while the OW was married.

 

The other MM left his BW and 4 kids 2 years ago this week. He has recently filed for divorce from his BW which will be final the day before x-mas. The other BW and I have met and give each other moral support. The OW basically "took" the one that was prepared to leave his own family before X-Mas and not leave her on her own.

 

Meanwhile me and my H have done an excellent job of recovering our marriage. We were not dissimilar to you, having grown apart over the years with a disconnect but no other major issues in the marriage other than the long-term infidelity (ie no disabilities, financial probs, addictions, drugs, alcoholism, major fights, physical abuse, extended family probs etc).

 

Knowledge of the infidelity was what saved our marriage. Neither my H or me could have done it on our own. It forced us to confront and repair things.

 

Of course I'd rather the A hadn't happened, but given that it did it was absolutely the best thing that I knew about it.

wow ,, interesting story ,, i salute you for your courage

[KarmasTestDummy]

I was both a betrayed spouse once and now the other woman. In my marriage all I can recall was knowing SOMETHING was off and trying to seek truth by any means possible. I became a snoop, I smelled clothes, I checked pockets and phone records and never believed a word he said. It was awful...all I ever wanted was the truth. Even when I got Half truth, that something had gone on, I didn't leave. I was willing to forgive and fight for my marriage. It wasn't until confirmation that it never ended and he had carried in for four years and fathered two children did the last straw occur. She may be willing to forgive you as well. Accepting the past is easier than being left for someone else.

 

With that in my past I never thought I'd be able to be in an affair or have respect for a man that could cheat. It was an enlightening experience falling in love with someone who was married. It made me capable of forgiveness. Such a nice feeling. But I now have sympathy for both sides of the fence and see the transgressions and unfairness that both go through. I would encourage you to still tell your wife. There is a sanity piece involved. As painful as it may be, she does deserve to know the whole truth and know that she's not crazy. I assure you she suspects something. Intuition is a very strong thing.

[herenow]

she would never find out if i dont tell her ,, leaving or not ,,, why destroy her totally

 

and you should own up to that and be honest if you care at all about her.

 

What you think would destroy her may actually give her the motivation she needs to find a man who will honestly love her.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I've lost two children and found my mother dead, Been kidnapped at gunpoint and almost bled to death, NOTHING affected me the way my H's affair did. BUT if you want to save your marriage, as in renew, rebuild and rekindle, then you'll need to tell as much for you as for her,but if you are in love with someone else, for the love of God, let her go and don't ask her to invest in you when you know you can never give it back.