mm just out of an affair

[September]

What a shame. This guy came to the OM/OW forum to talk about his feelings for his OW. All of a sudden like a pack of vultures, so many of you have swooped and read him the riot act.

 

Correct me if I am wrong but I haven't seen anywhere that he wants to save his marriage yet this is being pushed on him. At the moment he is madly in love with his OW and only time will help him get over it. Pushing him to do something he doesn't feel he wants isn't going to help!

 

Yes he had an affair, you can poke him all you like with a stick but Its too late for the "coulda woulda shoulda's" what's done is done.

 

When and IF he chooses to try and make it work with his wife then the advice will probably be heeded.

 

Until then, give him a break, he is trying to get over his heartbreak for his xOW. This is why he came to this forum and not infidelity.

 

No wonder there are hardly any men that post on here....

[turnstone]

It's interesting to note that there have been 3-4 spots of backhanded comments like this to advice that the OP has been given.

 

Things that make you say "hmmmmm......".

 

Hmmmmmm. And the inconsistent spelling, and the unwillingness to engage with a positive solution.......

 

The OP says he wants insight into the OW's mind, but I'm not sure why, it sounds like she's been totally open and upfront with him and is playing no games that need second guessing.

 

Maybe that's why 'he's left, the answer has already been given. *shrug*

 

ok ok .. i will adress those questions but forgive me my reaction to the cowardly remark ... telling a soldier that is asking for trouble .. juvenile i know but that how i was schooled

 

Actually its only when a nerve is touched that people tend to protest.

[thissecretgirl]

What a shame. This guy came to the OM/OW forum to talk about his feelings for his OW. All of a sudden like a pack of vultures, so many of you have swooped and read him the riot act.

 

Correct me if I am wrong but I haven't seen anywhere that he wants to save his marriage yet this is being pushed on him. At the moment he is madly in love with his OW and only time will help him get over it. Pushing him to do something he doesn't feel he wants isn't going to help!

 

Yes he had an affair, you can poke him all you like with a stick but Its too late for the "coulda woulda shoulda's" what's done is done.

 

When and IF he chooses to try and make it work with his wife then the advice will probably be heeded.

 

Until then, give him a break, he is trying to get over his heartbreak for his xOW. This is why he came to this forum and not infidelity.

 

No wonder there are hardly any men that post on here....

 

I agree, well said September

[awkward]

His wife not having sex with him does not justify his affair. A divorce, yes. An affair, no. Of course many of us have different opinions on that. That is what is so nice about LS, we all can express our opinions freely.

 

Also related is the fact that he is not having sex with his wife. He is having sex with someone else.

 

And after reading this thread again, in it's entirety, I too am going hmmmm. I'm with Miso and am out.

[greengoddess]

What a shame. This guy came to the OM/OW forum to talk about his feelings for his OW. All of a sudden like a pack of vultures, so many of you have swooped and read him the riot act.

 

Correct me if I am wrong but I haven't seen anywhere that he wants to save his marriage yet this is being pushed on him. At the moment he is madly in love with his OW and only time will help him get over it. Pushing him to do something he doesn't feel he wants isn't going to help!

 

Yes he had an affair, you can poke him all you like with a stick but Its too late for the "coulda woulda shoulda's" what's done is done.

 

When and IF he chooses to try and make it work with his wife then the advice will probably be heeded.

 

Until then, give him a break, he is trying to get over his heartbreak for his xOW. This is why he came to this forum and not infidelity.

 

No wonder there are hardly any men that post on here....

 

Funny, I see very very few people telling him to work it out with his wife. Most are saying you are in love with your ow tell your wife and LEAVE. The one most strongly advocating working it out with his wife is a former other man.

 

Would you like tigers to just remain in limbo? That seems to be what you want. To just help him "get Over" his ow? How does that help anything? He loves her. Why should we help him get over her. He needs help fixing his life not just support to continue pushing it under the rug.

 

It's a real easy solution. Tell his wife. Talk to her and be honest. If people were honest instead of living lies no one would be in this situation.

[bentnotbroken]

What a shame. This guy came to the OM/OW forum to talk about his feelings for his OW. All of a sudden like a pack of vultures, so many of you have swooped and read him the riot act.

 

Correct me if I am wrong but I haven't seen anywhere that he wants to save his marriage yet this is being pushed on him. At the moment he is madly in love with his OW and only time will help him get over it. Pushing him to do something he doesn't feel he wants isn't going to help!

 

Yes he had an affair, you can poke him all you like with a stick but Its too late for the "coulda woulda shoulda's" what's done is done.

 

When and IF he chooses to try and make it work with his wife then the advice will probably be heeded.

 

Until then, give him a break, he is trying to get over his heartbreak for his xOW. This is why he came to this forum and not infidelity.

 

No wonder there are hardly any men that post on here....

 

 

That's not true. Most of the posters want him to tell his wife and RUN as fast his little legs can carry him to the OW. His wife deserves a faithful, truthful husband of which his actions have shown he isn't. He loves his OW....Hip, Hip Hooray..now get on with the business of being with her and lying to his wife.

[TigerCub]

His wife not having sex with him does not justify his affair. A divorce, yes. An affair, no.

oh!! but divorce is hard and messy!!

Splitting assets, dealing with tears and heartache, not having as much time with the kids...its much simpler to just put up with a loveless marriage and maintain the status quo and get what's missing on the side!

 

I think that's what a lot of MMs think - but sometimes, they get caught up and develop real feelings for the OW, and then....ooops, they fall for her for real.

 

The one thing in Tigers defense is that he is NOT a serial cheater and that this is the only time he's done it. He seems to have true loving feelings for the OW and its sad that its under such messy circumstances.

 

Tigers:

I get the impression that you don't think you're capable of getting those feelings back for your wife as long as you're in love with the OW. I can certainly understand that.

Other posters have mentioned that living a lie is not good - especially for your kids - because they will know that they live in a loveless home where their parents aren't close.

 

If you really want out of the marriage - get a divorce.

 

If you want to work on your marriage - you might have to come clean and talk to your wife about everything and go to counseling.

 

I do feel for you, because I can tell from your posts that you truly are torn, and that makes you one of the few MMs that was truly genuine about his love for the OW.

 

If after you do what you need to do and sort your life out, if the OW comes back to you - that's great! If no, well at least you'll be free to live your life the way you want to, without feeling trapped, without lying and having to hide stuff. Things will work out for you as long as you make the effort to go after what you really want in life.

 

I'm sorry that you're hurting and I hope that things get better for you.

 

Also, good for you on deciding not to do all this right before xmas - its better for your kids that way.

[Owl]

I think tiger1970 packed up his toys and went home for the night...lol. I give him a lot of credit for hanging in there. 20 pages of info from all sides is a lot to digest.

 

You know...I've gone back and re-read quite a bit of this.

 

There ISN'T 20 pages of info from the OP. There is just a long series of non-informative one liners which seem to be just on the edge of insulting, and clearly designed to keep people on the defensive or entertained. He didn't post info looking for help...he posted asking if MM could post here, and then let the whole thing run from there.

 

I smell something from under the bridge. A very successful one at that.

 

I tip my hat as I leave the thread.

Edited December 7, 2010 by Owl

[thomasb]

Owl, I believe it is a load of tripe. Definitely smelly. I wouldn't participate. But don't worry. They posted a new thread in infidelity when they were sniffed out, me thinks! At least it is all good for entertainment value!

[spice4life]

You know...I've gone back and re-read quite a bit of this.

 

There ISN'T 20 pages of info from the OP. There is just a long series of non-informative one liners which seem to be just on the edge of insulting, and clearly designed to keep people on the defensive or entertained. He didn't post info looking for help...he posted asking if MM could post here, and then let the whole thing run from there.

 

I smell something from under the bridge. A very successful one at that.

 

I tip my hat as I leave the thread.

 

You could very well be right. I guess time will tell if he's real or not.

 

By the way owl, you provided excellent advice as always. Your username fits you to a tee.

[Owl]

Thanks Spice. I try to give the best advice I can. Hopefully it actually helps someone once in a while!

[spice4life]

Thanks Spice. I try to give the best advice I can. Hopefully it actually helps someone once in a while!

 

You a very welcome. Your advice definitely helps! You are a sound voice of reason and that is needed in a forum like this. You help to cut right through the fog and get to the heart of the matter. Much appreciated.

[Dexter Morgan]

met wife 20 years ago and was never un faithful til this ... im am not a serial offender and want to be a one woman man so back off with the judgements

 

doesn't matter if it was once, or 1000 times.

 

of course after you have had your fun you want to go back to being a one woman man. If you wanted to be a one woman man, you would be.

[Dexter Morgan]

sounded sarcastic and bitter to me .. i dont need reminding of my bad behaviour and duty .. i know it ... are you perfect

 

 

when it comes to cheating, sleeping with someone elses spouse/girlfriend, or betraying others, yes

[Dexter Morgan]

Bitter? More things that make you go hmm...

 

I think Dexter is perfect just the way he is. You are killing me dude!

 

ya, those who would use the old "bitter" lame just indicate how they wound up in the cheater's seat in the first place.

[Dexter Morgan]

if the person cheating wants to save the marriage , should they still admit the affair

 

yup, because otherwise with no real consequences to your actions, you'll figure you can get away with it later too.

[Dexter Morgan]

What a shame. This guy came to the OM/OW forum to talk about his feelings for his OW. All of a sudden like a pack of vultures, so many of you have swooped and read him the riot act.

 

Correct me if I am wrong but I haven't seen anywhere that he wants to save his marriage yet this is being pushed on him.

 

I wouldn't urge pushing him to save his marriage. there is nothing to save when he is in love with another woman.

 

what we are disgusted with is he'll keep his wife in limbo and hanging, wasting her life until he decides if he wants to pursue the OW. The fact he is scared the OW won't want him any longer shouldn't be his wife's problem.

 

He needs to quit wasting her time and allow her to find someone that won't eff her over like he has done. But for his own selfish reasons, he won't do that. ya, he says he is going to tell her in one post, and in another post thinks he can save a marriage by continuing to lie to her and keep his dirty little secret.

 

 

At the moment he is madly in love with his OW and only time will help him get over it.

 

yup, and he should divorce his wife, set her free from him and pursue the other woman...whether he thinks she still wants him or not.

again, his fears shouldn't be his wife's problem.

 

 

Yes he had an affair, you can poke him all you like with a stick but Its too late for the "coulda woulda shoulda's" what's done is done.

 

most on this thread are dealing with what he is doing NOW...which is snowballing his wife.

 

 

Until then, give him a break, he is trying to get over his heartbreak for his xOW.

 

and that should be his wife's problem why??.....

[tigers1970]

doesn't matter if it was once, or 1000 times.

 

of course after you have had your fun you want to go back to being a one woman man. If you wanted to be a one woman man, you would be.

im amazed at the level of judging around here .. never used a forum before of any kind ..this is a first ... god knows i ve done a lot wrong but really getting my nose rubbed in it ... one person even commented on my spelling!!!!! another just laughed into my face (presume at my seeming stupidity)when i said ow said it could survive year or so apart...hey i dont mind a bit of stick and getting it straight but some comments have stung and made me angryand have been bit ott... truth hurts you say or before anyone says it poor me poor me....i dont know ... i came here to tell my story some how .. im not a writer or an orator or a highly educated person like some seem to be around here... im a ex soldier who is prob bit messed up in the head anyway .. i ve been shot .. i ve permanent injuries .. i have killed people ... all in the name of protecting people who are here ... i sought solace in the arms of a woman who was nt my wife ... i regret that and god will judge me on my death bed .... i prob just came here to talk to other ow s .. to just listen to them ...to help me find some relief from the pain i feel ... i didnt really come here to write reams on my story ( i have to type with one hand ) people have said this h mmmmmm thing .. what does that mean ?? or they smell some thing ??? do they think im telling lies ???? why would i come here and tell lies .... spent 6 hours or more here yesterday and did nt feel good today after the it ... im an outdoor type i guess ... if i could flick a switch that made me forget the ow i would now ... my wife does deserve better but how can i now crawl back to her looking to fix things ... i spent the day wishing i came home in bodybag like lot of my frinds did over the years .. and i was always a positive ,driven ,fearless man but now im faltering

[skywriter]

Tigers,

 

As much as I am certain, some, if not most, of the posters feel ,that they, are somehow helping ,in their own way, by saying the things ,that have been said in their post, I also understand exactly what you are saying about judging. (Yep! Runaway sentence!)

 

All the judging, and comments that aren't even relevant to the post do not help. It's akin to vultures on roadkill !

 

This is exactly why I will never be able to post my situation. I've been posting here for a while myself. I've never posted my story completely. Only in bits and pieces, like when I respond to a post.

 

I read more than post, actually. Anyway, just wanna say thanks for posting Tigers. Being the OW, when a MM is brave enough to post his story, I appreciate it.

[bentnotbroken]

im amazed at the level of judging around here .. never used a forum before of any kind ..this is a first ... god knows i ve done a lot wrong but really getting my nose rubbed in it ... one person even commented on my spelling!!!!! another just laughed into my face (presume at my seeming stupidity)when i said ow said it could survive year or so apart...hey i dont mind a bit of stick and getting it straight but some comments have stung and made me angryand have been bit ott... truth hurts you say or before anyone says it poor me poor me....i dont know ... i came here to tell my story some how .. im not a writer or an orator or a highly educated person like some seem to be around here... im a ex soldier who is prob bit messed up in the head anyway .. i ve been shot .. i ve permanent injuries .. i have killed people ... all in the name of protecting people who are here ... i sought solace in the arms of a woman who was nt my wife ... i regret that and god will judge me on my death bed .... i prob just came here to talk to other ow s .. to just listen to them ...to help me find some relief from the pain i feel ... i didnt really come here to write reams on my story ( i have to type with one hand ) people have said this h mmmmmm thing .. what does that mean ?? or they smell some thing ??? do they think im telling lies ???? why would i come here and tell lies .... spent 6 hours or more here yesterday and did nt feel good today after the it ... im an outdoor type i guess ... if i could flick a switch that made me forget the ow i would now ... my wife does deserve better but how can i now crawl back to her looking to fix things ... i spent the day wishing i came home in bodybag like lot of my frinds did over the years .. and i was always a positive ,driven ,fearless man but now im faltering

 

 

Don't crawl back to her! Give her the freedom to chose and no matter what...get some help for you before you engage in any type of relationship.

[September]

im amazed at the level of judging around here .. never used a forum before of any kind ..this is a first ... god knows i ve done a lot wrong but really getting my nose rubbed in it ... one person even commented on my spelling!!!!! another just laughed into my face (presume at my seeming stupidity)when i said ow said it could survive year or so apart...hey i dont mind a bit of stick and getting it straight but some comments have stung and made me angryand have been bit ott... truth hurts you say or before anyone says it poor me poor me....i dont know ... i came here to tell my story some how .. im not a writer or an orator or a highly educated person like some seem to be around here... im a ex soldier who is prob bit messed up in the head anyway .. i ve been shot .. i ve permanent injuries .. i have killed people ... all in the name of protecting people who are here ... i sought solace in the arms of a woman who was nt my wife ... i regret that and god will judge me on my death bed .... i prob just came here to talk to other ow s .. to just listen to them ...to help me find some relief from the pain i feel ... i didnt really come here to write reams on my story ( i have to type with one hand ) people have said this h mmmmmm thing .. what does that mean ?? or they smell some thing ??? do they think im telling lies ???? why would i come here and tell lies .... spent 6 hours or more here yesterday and did nt feel good today after the it ... im an outdoor type i guess ... if i could flick a switch that made me forget the ow i would now ... my wife does deserve better but how can i now crawl back to her looking to fix things ... i spent the day wishing i came home in bodybag like lot of my frinds did over the years .. and i was always a positive ,driven ,fearless man but now im faltering

 

Tiger, you need to have a thick skin to post here sometimes! Please just ignore the posters that are bashing you. There are plenty of wonderful women on here that have been through this and are more than happy to help you.

 

There aren't many MM that have been in your situation that post here and some get a little excited when they do so start asking the questions you would like some answers to and we will help you as best we can.

[Dexter Morgan]

im amazed at the level of judging around here .. never used a forum before of any kind ..this is a first ... god knows i ve done a lot wrong but really getting my nose rubbed in it

 

maybe if you had come here saying you love your wife, want a marriage with her and want to leave your OW long gone....you'd get much different responses.

 

But yours is that of pinging for other woman and stringing the wife along because of money, kids, and fear that OW may not be there for you if you set your wife free.

 

 

if i could flick a switch that made me forget the ow i would now

 

and you know what, I understand that you can't, but because that shouldn't be your wife's problem is exactly why we tell you what you just said below this which is:

 

 

... my wife does deserve better

 

 

 

but how can i now crawl back to her looking to fix things

 

because you have already made it clear, in no particular words, that you'd rather be with the OW....you can't. All your wife is now is 2nd fiddle...2nd choice....the consolation prize.

 

again, you wish you had the OW, but wouldn't want to divorce your wife for fear of having neither....that shouldn't be your wife's problem.

[tigers1970]

Tiger, you need to have a thick skin to post here sometimes! Please just ignore the posters that are bashing you. There are plenty of wonderful women on here that have been through this and are more than happy to help you.

 

There aren't many MM that have been in your situation that post here and some get a little excited when they do so start asking the questions you would like some answers to and we will help you as best we can.

thank you i will .... i think this is what i need now .. to just ask a few questions to women who been though it .. both ow s and bs... i have decided to not say anything to wife til after x mas so please everyone dont give me hard time over that ... i have no contact with ow now nor will i initiate it ... she is gone ... im also not scared of being on my own but i am fearful of telling wife everything ... if that has to be done i wont back dowm but does nt mean looking forward to it ... it will crush her

[tigers1970]

thank you i will .... i think this is what i need now .. to just ask a few questions to women who been though it .. both ow s and bs... i have decided to not say anything to wife til after x mas so please everyone dont give me hard time over that ... i have no contact with ow now nor will i initiate it ... she is gone ... im also not scared of being on my own but i am fearful of telling wife everything ... if that has to be done i wont back dowm but does nt mean looking forward to it ... it will crush her

i just noticed another spelling mistake !! imagine that ..come here to look for advice on my situation and now im worried about my bloody spelling!!!!

[Angel1111]

True. But he didn't have to cheat, he could have divorced her and then pursued the OW.

 

That's what YOU think he should do. That isn't always human nature or what another person would think, and that isn't the choice that some people will make. Just understand that when a person mistreats another, unwanted results are sure to follow. Simple, really. And don't act surprised when it happens.