mm just out of an affair

[Angel1111]

thank you i will .... i think this is what i need now .. to just ask a few questions to women who been though it .. both ow s and bs... i have decided to not say anything to wife til after x mas so please everyone dont give me hard time over that ... i have no contact with ow now nor will i initiate it ... she is gone ... im also not scared of being on my own but i am fearful of telling wife everything ... if that has to be done i wont back dowm but does nt mean looking forward to it ... it will crush her

 

Don't tell her.

[tigers1970]

Don't tell her.

even if i wanted to stay with her?????

[greengoddess]

im amazed at the level of judging around here .. never used a forum before of any kind ..this is a first ... god knows i ve done a lot wrong but really getting my nose rubbed in it ... one person even commented on my spelling!!!!! another just laughed into my face (presume at my seeming stupidity)when i said ow said it could survive year or so apart...hey i dont mind a bit of stick and getting it straight but some comments have stung and made me angryand have been bit ott... truth hurts you say or before anyone says it poor me poor me....i dont know ... i came here to tell my story some how .. im not a writer or an orator or a highly educated person like some seem to be around here... im a ex soldier who is prob bit messed up in the head anyway .. i ve been shot .. i ve permanent injuries .. i have killed people ... all in the name of protecting people who are here ... i sought solace in the arms of a woman who was nt my wife ... i regret that and god will judge me on my death bed .... i prob just came here to talk to other ow s .. to just listen to them ...to help me find some relief from the pain i feel ... i didnt really come here to write reams on my story ( i have to type with one hand ) people have said this h mmmmmm thing .. what does that mean ?? or they smell some thing ??? do they think im telling lies ???? why would i come here and tell lies .... spent 6 hours or more here yesterday and did nt feel good today after the it ... im an outdoor type i guess ... if i could flick a switch that made me forget the ow i would now ... my wife does deserve better but how can i now crawl back to her looking to fix things ... i spent the day wishing i came home in bodybag like lot of my frinds did over the years .. and i was always a positive ,driven ,fearless man but now im faltering

 

 

lol did you forget your writing style is ,,, not ...

[bentnotbroken]

even if i wanted to stay with her?????

 

 

Go ahead don't tell her...that makes your actions even more cowardly than what you have already done. It isn't about it crushing her..it's about you NOT wanting to deal with the pain, the anger and the betrayal that she will display. You don't tell...you get a pass in dealing with her emotional roller coaster. Nice!

[tigers1970]

lol did you forget your writing style is ,,, not ...

what.... ???

[tigers1970]

Go ahead don't tell her...that makes your actions even more cowardly than what you have already done. It isn't about it crushing her..it's about you NOT wanting to deal with the pain, the anger and the betrayal that she will display. You don't tell...you get a pass in dealing with her emotional roller coaster. Nice!

were you an bs or ow ??

[greengoddess]

It amazes me that this man says he loves his ow and is doing absolutely nothing about that love and the other women on this board have nothing to say about that except to condemn people who are trying to help. It is very telling...

[greengoddess]

were you an bs or ow ??

 

Why would that matter? The right thing to do is the right thing to do. Why would YOU, a new poster, ask that?

[tigers1970]

Why would that matter? The right thing to do is the right thing to do. Why would YOU, a new poster, ask that?

just seemed to me that you ve experienced it from the bs stand point,,, was i out of line to ask?

[tigers1970]

It amazes me that this man says he loves his ow and is doing absolutely nothing about that love and the other women on this board have nothing to say about that except to condemn people who are trying to help. It is very telling...

ow made if crystal clear she wanted to be left alone

[tigers1970]

ow made if crystal clear she wanted to be left alone

oops made it crystal clear

[Kismetly]

This is what my AP would say about me too ... I've heard him say it almost word for word

 

this woman is like no other i ve ever met ... was instantly drawn to her and not just sexually ... she did make me feel so good .. she is courageous and daring/independent .. she is confident and strong ... my type ... she has similiar interests and tastes ,,, no other woman ever responded to me like she did ... i liked being dominant and vunerable with her as did she ... and need i say it but we had mind blowing sex that i def never experienced before .. she is like a drug to me ... i am addicted to her in a way but feel strong love too

 

... problem is, even with all that (and her giving you generous open and free access to all of that fine energy for a year and a half), that isn't enough for you to make a decision to be available for her?

 

In the end, that fine woman figured "well, I'm all that, but not good enough for you to be with exclusively? ... You can get &*()ed"

 

and I don't blame her.

 

I only hope I can be as strong as her when and if the time comes.

[Carrot2000]

even if i wanted to stay with her?????

 

Do you want to stay with her? If you are considering it, do it because you love her. Not for the kids. Not for money. And not to avoid crushing her. It's always better to know the truth than to live with a lie.

 

BTW, I work for VA and thank you for your service. I hope you're not having a hard time getting access to all that is due to you (that's another discussion altogether...).

 

C2k

[bentnotbroken]

just seemed to me that you ve experienced it from the bs stand point,,, was i out of line to ask?

 

 

No your weren't out of line and I think it is a fair question. I was a BS and I waisted too many years with a man I believed to be faithful. I believed the lies he told and his refusal to tell the truth, to keep me in the dark...not only made me doubt myself as a wife and a mother. I believed their was something wrong with me(mainly because he said so and his refusal to do what I needed in the marriage). If he had told me he wanted out...yes it would have hurt like hell, but I wouldn't have been in the dark and I wouldn't have beat myself up for years.

 

If he didn't want me( he didn't as a wife only as a maid, cook, screw buddy and whatever else)why deny me the right to be loved by a man who would respect, honor and love me? What was the point of wasting more than 20 years of my life. My children were hurt even worse because the image he portrayed came crashing down and the man they had loved and respected for their whole lives vanished in an instant. They had seen the way he treated me over the years and they couldn't understand why he pulled away from them too(during his many affairs), but all made sense. We all felt as if we were forced to live a lie. HIS lies almost cost me my life....literally.

 

Is that the legacy you want to leave...because your actions are going to guarantee it.

[tigers1970]

No your weren't out of line and I think it is a fair question. I was a BS and I waisted too many years with a man I believed to be faithful. I believed the lies he told and his refusal to tell the truth, to keep me in the dark...not only made me doubt myself as a wife and a mother. I believed their was something wrong with me(mainly because he said so and his refusal to do what I needed in the marriage). If he had told me he wanted out...yes it would have hurt like hell, but I wouldn't have been in the dark and I wouldn't have beat myself up for years.

 

If he didn't want me( he didn't as a wife only as a maid, cook, screw buddy and whatever else)why deny me the right to be loved by a man who would respect, honor and love me? What was the point of wasting more than 20 years of my life. My children were hurt even worse because the image he portrayed came crashing down and the man they had loved and respected for their whole lives vanished in an instant. They had seen the way he treated me over the years and they couldn't understand why he pulled away from them too(during his many affairs), but all made sense. We all felt as if we were forced to live a lie. HIS lies almost cost me my life....literally.

 

Is that the legacy you want to leave...because your actions are going to guarantee it.

no its not the legacy i want to leave and thank you for sharing that .. you are the first woman to ever tell me something like that

[Kismetly]

im amazed at the level of judging around here .. never used a forum before of any kind ..this is a first ... god knows i ve done a lot wrong but really getting my nose rubbed in it ... one person even commented on my spelling!!!!! another just laughed into my face (presume at my seeming stupidity)when i said ow said it could survive year or so apart...hey i dont mind a bit of stick and getting it straight but some comments have stung and made me angryand have been bit ott... truth hurts you say or before anyone says it poor me poor me....i dont know ... i came here to tell my story some how .. im not a writer or an orator or a highly educated person like some seem to be around here... im a ex soldier who is prob bit messed up in the head anyway .. i ve been shot .. i ve permanent injuries .. i have killed people ... all in the name of protecting people who are here ... i sought solace in the arms of a woman who was nt my wife ... i regret that and god will judge me on my death bed .... i prob just came here to talk to other ow s .. to just listen to them ...to help me find some relief from the pain i feel ... i didnt really come here to write reams on my story ( i have to type with one hand ) people have said this h mmmmmm thing .. what does that mean ?? or they smell some thing ??? do they think im telling lies ???? why would i come here and tell lies .... spent 6 hours or more here yesterday and did nt feel good today after the it ... im an outdoor type i guess ... if i could flick a switch that made me forget the ow i would now ... my wife does deserve better but how can i now crawl back to her looking to fix things ... i spent the day wishing i came home in bodybag like lot of my frinds did over the years .. and i was always a positive ,driven ,fearless man but now im faltering

 

Hey Tiger - I somehow missed this post. You sure do have a lot going on in your life.

 

A couple of things. Bulletin Boards like these are not for the faint hearted. I come here when I want a dose of middle-class slap on the head conservatism. What I mean by that, is this place is a good benchmark in "generally acceptable moral behaviour". It's good for me and it makes me reflect on my behaviours and really test my values. I don't agree with all the advice and some of it is straight out of the 1950s and is in my view a bit naive for 2010 western cultural mores. But it is true, that the things that sting the most, are the ones we need to reflect on the most!!

 

Other POsters come with an agenda. No one's here because their life is perfect. Almost without exception, the people who come here have a personal interest in infidelity because they've been involved in it in some way. We all read posts from our own perspective and comment in that way.

 

My friend, it sounds like you've been through some extreme experiences and you shouldn't underestimate the effect those experiences have had on you. I know you're a big brave man, but you would really benefit with some professional help just to facilitate you working through your war experiences and how that has impacted on your personal and intimate life. Perhaps you could talk to the defence officials and see if there are services available for returned servicemen? They will be used to dealing with situations like yours and it might really help you get some perspective.

 

Finally, there are other bulletin boards around, including those dedicated to people who's marriages are on the rocks and they want to learn how to turn them around and save them. There are a lot of good books on the market too. There's lots of things you can do to get through this.

 

You might decide that you want to leave your marriage and potentially pursue your lover?

 

You might decide you want to work with your wife to rebuild your marriage

 

You might decide that you need some time to just get your head straight so forget all these ow/wife issues, you get into individual counselling and you deal with yourself until you get to a point where you know what you want.

 

What strikes me most about you though is that you are going through a really tough life transition. You've seen some things and learned some things about yourself that others never have to contemplate. That impacts on every other aspect of your life. You weren't getting comfort in your marriage so you found it in your affair partner.

 

Thing is, if you do the work, you'll be able to find that comfort in yourself and then you'll be able to make rational decisions about the partner you want to share your life with.

 

Blessings

[tigers1970]

Hey Tiger - I somehow missed this post. You sure do have a lot going on in your life.

 

A couple of things. Bulletin Boards like these are not for the faint hearted. I come here when I want a dose of middle-class slap on the head conservatism. What I mean by that, is this place is a good benchmark in "generally acceptable moral behaviour". It's good for me and it makes me reflect on my behaviours and really test my values. I don't agree with all the advice and some of it is straight out of the 1950s and is in my view a bit naive for 2010 western cultural mores. But it is true, that the things that sting the most, are the ones we need to reflect on the most!!

 

Other POsters come with an agenda. No one's here because their life is perfect. Almost without exception, the people who come here have a personal interest in infidelity because they've been involved in it in some way. We all read posts from our own perspective and comment in that way.

 

My friend, it sounds like you've been through some extreme experiences and you shouldn't underestimate the effect those experiences have had on you. I know you're a big brave man, but you would really benefit with some professional help just to facilitate you working through your war experiences and how that has impacted on your personal and intimate life. Perhaps you could talk to the defence officials and see if there are services available for returned servicemen? They will be used to dealing with situations like yours and it might really help you get some perspective.

 

Finally, there are other bulletin boards around, including those dedicated to people who's marriages are on the rocks and they want to learn how to turn them around and save them. There are a lot of good books on the market too. There's lots of things you can do to get through this.

 

You might decide that you want to leave your marriage and potentially pursue your lover?

 

You might decide you want to work with your wife to rebuild your marriage

 

You might decide that you need some time to just get your head straight so forget all these ow/wife issues, you get into individual counselling and you deal with yourself until you get to a point where you know what you want.

 

What strikes me most about you though is that you are going through a really tough life transition. You've seen some things and learned some things about yourself that others never have to contemplate. That impacts on every other aspect of your life. You weren't getting comfort in your marriage so you found it in your affair partner.

 

Thing is, if you do the work, you'll be able to find that comfort in yourself and then you'll be able to make rational decisions about the partner you want to share your life with.

 

Blessings

thank you very much for those words and yes im investigating professional help , i do realise i need it now for more issues than why i came here

[September]

lol did you forget your writing style is ,,, not ...

 

That's just flat out nasty...

[September]

. im also not scared of being on my own but i am fearful of telling wife everything ... if that has to be done i wont back dowm but does nt mean looking forward to it ... it will crush her

 

Confessing to my xH was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Thankfully he was very good about it. WE decided to separate and now have a wonderful friendship. Our children are very very happy and our friends are thrilled that we have dealt with it so well.

 

We are both so much happier. So, if that's the path you choose, it may just work out the best for all.

[tigers1970]

Confessing to my xH was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Thankfully he was very good about it. WE decided to separate and now have a wonderful friendship. Our children are very very happy and our friends are thrilled that we have dealt with it so well.

 

We are both so much happier. So, if that's the path you choose, it may just work out the best for all.

are you still with the om ?

[half_ofa_heart]

thank you very much for those words and yes im investigating professional help , i do realise i need it now for more issues than why i came here

 

Tiger you seem like you're really confused and I can only imagine what you've been going thru but removing yourself from both the OW/W so you can clear your mind and make a conscious decision will help. IC can assist you with that. I do wish you luck and hope you can work through all this.

[Angel1111]

even if i wanted to stay with her?????

 

That's debatable. If you think you can restore your marriage to being healthy again then, yes, tell her. If you intend to stay in the marriage simply because you think it's over between you and the OW, or to keep peace, or to keep your family intact, etc., then I would not tell her.

 

Honestly, I find it hard to believe that a woman who sleeps in a separate bed from her husband on a regular basis would be crushed and surprised that he fell in love with another woman and had sex with her. I call that obtuse.

 

Btw, you've already written off the OW simply because she wants you to be done with all this baggage before getting re-involved with her. And you're proving to her what she was afraid of - that she isn't worth the trouble and that you weren't serious about leaving your marriage in the first place; that you were only leaving for her. This put a big burden on the OW and she needed to know that you'd leave on your own; that the marriage failed on its own, not because of her. Just something to think about.

[pureinheart]

im amazed at the level of judging around here .. never used a forum before of any kind ..this is a first ... god knows i ve done a lot wrong but really getting my nose rubbed in it ... one person even commented on my spelling!!!!! another just laughed into my face (presume at my seeming stupidity)when i said ow said it could survive year or so apart...hey i dont mind a bit of stick and getting it straight but some comments have stung and made me angryand have been bit ott... truth hurts you say or before anyone says it poor me poor me....i dont know ... i came here to tell my story some how .. im not a writer or an orator or a highly educated person like some seem to be around here... im a ex soldier who is prob bit messed up in the head anyway .. i ve been shot .. i ve permanent injuries .. i have killed people ... all in the name of protecting people who are here ... i sought solace in the arms of a woman who was nt my wife ... i regret that and god will judge me on my death bed .... i prob just came here to talk to other ow s .. to just listen to them ...to help me find some relief from the pain i feel ... i didnt really come here to write reams on my story ( i have to type with one hand ) people have said this h mmmmmm thing .. what does that mean ?? or they smell some thing ??? do they think im telling lies ???? why would i come here and tell lies .... spent 6 hours or more here yesterday and did nt feel good today after the it ... im an outdoor type i guess ... if i could flick a switch that made me forget the ow i would now ... my wife does deserve better but how can i now crawl back to her looking to fix things ... i spent the day wishing i came home in bodybag like lot of my frinds did over the years .. and i was always a positive ,driven ,fearless man but now im faltering

 

Tiger...YOU ARE HUMAN. I have much to comment on this reply alone my friend.

 

At one point, I was at the top of my game, and it wasn't that I had lost sight of God, it was that I had lost sight of me and who I really was. I had been severely traumatised thru many events, I let the success of my career mask the hurt, it gave me a much needed identity. I felt distant from God and hurt.

 

After a series of events, one being I was VERY judgemental concerning a friend that had ended up in an A...I judged her mercilessly. Well guess what, I ended up in an A.

 

ExDM helped me in many ways to hit the top of my career because of the constantant encouragement, also physically I became everything he said I was...I became puffed up and full of myself without realising it...I felt very powerful even with all of the hurt I was experiencing...then as powerful as I felt I was, my world came crashing down and there was nothing "I" could do to fix it.

 

Granted, here is a person that had power in the Spirit and in the natural and "I" found out real quick how "human" I really was, and how not in control of anything I was...my daughter went into premature labor at 5 mo on Dec 22, 2006 with my twin baby grand boys. They tried desparately to save the babies...I was loosing my daughter also...then Christmas day my oldest grandson got into my melatonin (it's a natural sleep aid) and I wasn't sure how much he had taken, nor did not know if you could take too much (he was 3yrs old) so I called 911 and they didn't know either, so they sent and ambulance...stressed doesn't even begin to describe anything.

 

My daughter fighting for her life, we lost one of the boys on the 24th and we in the process of loosing the second baby boy and there I am with my oldest grandson in the ER...they opened the doors of the ambulance and there was my SIL's sister saying, I love you PIH, you know this is just spiritual attack and we have the victory...

 

We are human...sometimes we do things that cause tragedy and sometimes we don't.

 

Tiger, only God can judge you and His is the only one that counts. God understands what you are going through and will judge you according to your heart...think of it like this...

 

How do you react to your kids when they come to you and are scared and don't know what to do...or when they fall down and hurt their knee? Or how about this, what if they get hurt and they are at fault? Do you beat the hell out of them and say, "I told you so"? Of course not, you disipline according to what is needed at the time.

 

There is a spirit of condemnation on this board, so please, do not let it get to you. Try to stay focused...if God be for you, who then can be against you?

Edited December 7, 2010 by pureinheart

[GorillaTheater]

Tigers, I'm not a bs or an om, but I do have an interest in seeing men get their sh*t together.

 

And, at the risk of repeating anything that's already been said (I only read the first and last pages), you're not going to get your sh*t together until you do three things:

 

1) Decide what your goal is. What is it you want? OW? Your marriage? Neither? Both? (Best of luck on that last goal)

 

2) Come up with a plan to get you to your goal.

 

3) Follow a course of action implementing your plan.

 

So, what do you want?

[Carrot2000]

How do you react to your kids when they come to you and are scared and don't know what to do...or when they fall down and hurt their knee? Or how about this, what if they get hurt and they are at fault? Do you beat the hell out of them and say, "I told you so"? Of course not, you disipline according to what is needed at the time.

 

Perhaps what is perceived as a spirit of condemnation is actually the discipline Tiger needs at this time. Yes, some posts have been harsh, but by and large, everyone is giving him good advice. Maybe not the advice he wants to hear, but I think nearly everyone here is trying to give him some things to think about before he makes a major life decision. Even God practices tough love at times.

 

And remember that the wife, kids and OW are also children of God and He/She is also looking out for their best interests. This situation ain't all about Tiger.