mm just out of an affair

[tigers1970]

Maybe you won't even need to post your story in the light of needing assistance, but to give assistance...maybe by helping others your own situation will be healed...that is my hope for you. Thank you Spice, I will pm you...you can see right though me lol...

 

Tigers, I've been calling you Tiger...I see what I want to most of the time and miss a lot!

 

Angels post priddy much sums it up as to your OW's departure...for me, I hated to see exDM torn the way he was, and I don't play well with others anyways...it was hard for me to share my toys, I was an only child you know:) (just trying to lighten up the board, not making light of my situation or yours).

thanks pureinheart .. for all your posts .. can you tell me more about your situation?

[spice4life]

well im not a serial cheater and im absolutely sure i ve learned my lesson not to cheat again , that said ive still got a big mess to clean up.. why change of heart then ??

 

Actually, the truth is, I'm not really qualified to answer this question, so I'm going bow out of this question for now. I didn't cheat on my exH and I was single when I was with my MM.

[bentnotbroken]

Ok, for starters, I'd like to tell you that I am sorry that your H cheated on you. It clearly has had a devastating toll on your life, and I can't even begin to imagine how you feel.

 

Getting back to this to tell or not to tell, I don't believe that there is a one size fits all answer. It depends on so many different circumstances. I personally am dealing with a spouse who is not 100% physically well, and has never been emotionally whole. I can also tell you that for someone who has been in IC for almost his entire life, it hasn't done a damn bit of good to help him cope with his issues. It's where I get to step in and help him sort those issues out, which enables him to function on a daily basis.

 

I love him completely, and I would never leave him. I know the same is true for him - we've always worked through our issues and will continue to do so. But I also know that he requires not only a wife, but a mother, a coach, and a maid to survive. I have given him 1000% for a very long time, and while I married him wanting a project to work on, I guess I just didn't expect to be working on the same project almost 10 years into the marriage. Selfish? Yup. I'll deal with it as best I can, and move on.

 

Yes, I say HOPE, b/c in this live, there are no guarantees. And I choose to believe in that hope. This guy wasn't the first to try to get my attention, and he clearly won't be the last. He was most certainly the most aggressive, the most determined one I've met. And boy, I must have some sign on my head, cause he clearly isn't the best one - I've got myself in a high school relationship, where once again, I'm the one w/the bigger set of you know what. After this clusterf*ck, I don't ever want to travel down this road ever again! Lesson learned, and in the end, I can still forgive myself and move on. This could have been much much worse - it could have been a full on romantic A w/all the elements of PA. It wasn't. It was a flirtation that got out of control, for a little while at least. My brain went on vacation apparently, but it's back now, and it's cleaning up the mess.

 

Guilt is a side effect of the A. Had it the whole time, just varying degrees based upon the intensity of what we were doing or saying. Do I still want to continue the A? Sure, my heart longs for something, there's a freaking soap opera going on in my life right now. But I need to focus on what matters, and the MM doesn't. If I were as important to him as he said, we would have been in a full on PA right now. Actions speak louder than words, and I have to remember that, I will remember that!

 

Actually no, I never did check out a mirror before seeing the MM. I look the way I look for work, and that's good enough for me. And yeah, I made some mistakes here, but I'm guessing we all have. Don't throw stones when you live in a glass house, you know? You clearly have never been on my side of the A, but I'm sure you aren't perfect either.

 

Sorry if I've thread jacked, but there are many facets to consider.

 

 

Not only did I not throw stones I only used your words. A plan to be with someone other than your H is not a mistake...it is a choice you made more than once. When you did the flirt thing, the lying thing the cheating thing. Not cheating doesn't require you be perfect, but it does require you be faithful. Perfection isn't something I or anyone here accused you or claimed to be ourselves. All the time I have been on her I usually get that "perfect" line when something I said (or someone) else struck a nerve.

 

 

So your life isn't perfect, who's is? Your spouse is sick, not unusual. Some of us have dealt with that, the death of a child, the death of a parent, rape, bankruptcy you name....it is called life. How each of deals with that is called choices. Some of us chose personally destructive things(I did) and others chose to destroy others. You made the "choices" now own them all including letting someone decide for themselves what is right for them.

[OWoman]

Tigers, you might try reading Mira Kirschenbaum's "When Good People Have Affairs", to help you think through your issues. My H found it useful.

 

(She's written another book called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" as well, that I haven't read, but may also relate to some of your concerns.)

[Foolish1018]

Not only did I not throw stones I only used your words. A plan to be with someone other than your H is not a mistake...it is a choice you made more than once. When you did the flirt thing, the lying thing the cheating thing. Not cheating doesn't require you be perfect, but it does require you be faithful. Perfection isn't something I or anyone here accused you or claimed to be ourselves. All the time I have been on her I usually get that "perfect" line when something I said (or someone) else struck a nerve.

 

 

So your life isn't perfect, who's is? Your spouse is sick, not unusual. Some of us have dealt with that, the death of a child, the death of a parent, rape, bankruptcy you name....it is called life. How each of deals with that is called choices. Some of us chose personally destructive things(I did) and others chose to destroy others. You made the "choices" now own them all including letting someone decide for themselves what is right for them.

 

Struck a nerve? Hardly. I came on this site looking for other people in the same situation as me. Not for people like you who have nothing to contribute, other than to try and make yourself feel better at the expense of others. Of course, you are welcome to continue posting, it is an open forum, but it doesn't mean that you provide any information that is helpful or useful. You are clearly biased, and very hurt by what happened to you. That sucks. Might be time to move on someplace else where you can comiserate with others in a similar situation? Or better yet, move on and live your life. That's just my opinion though, and you have been a perfect example of why I will no longer be checking this site. Good luck to all, I'll deal with my life as I see fit. At least I know that in my worst moment, I'll still be happier than you will ever be. That is all.

[bentnotbroken]

Struck a nerve? Hardly. I came on this site looking for other people in the same situation as me. Not for people like you who have nothing to contribute, other than to try and make yourself feel better at the expense of others. Of course, you are welcome to continue posting, it is an open forum, but it doesn't mean that you provide any information that is helpful or useful. You are clearly biased, and very hurt by what happened to you. That sucks. Might be time to move on someplace else where you can comiserate with others in a similar situation? Or better yet, move on and live your life. That's just my opinion though, and you have been a perfect example of why I will no longer be checking this site. Good luck to all, I'll deal with my life as I see fit. At least I know that in my worst moment, I'll still be happier than you will ever be. That is all.

 

 

Indeed...happier...maybe. Integrity?

[woinlove]

On whether you are a repeat cheater or not, keep in mind that many people who cheat used to think they wouldn't cheat. And many who do end up cheating, think they won't cheat again. However, the reality seems to be that most people who have cheated will cheat again sometime unless something changes quite significantly.

 

If you don't tell your W and yet you stay in the M, I doubt very much will change. Your M may have further deteriorated over the course of the A, and is likely to stay in this low state, or perhaps improve a bit if you don't restart the A. Don't expect it to change much for the better, because that usually requires both people making it better which usually requires both people knowing what is going on.

 

So, if you are happy with a mediocre marriage, don't tell and continue on. However, if you will be very unhappy living indefinitely in a mediocre marriage and having affairs periodically to escape, then you should either leave or tell. If you tell, there is a chance your M will end whether you want it to or not. However, if it doesn't end, and you both decide you want to make it work, then you will have a real opportunity to make it better.

 

Furthermore, for your wife's perspective, most people (particularly those who don't cheat themselves or don't help others cheat) don't like to live a lie.

[Dexter Morgan]

Tigers, you might try reading Mira Kirschenbaum's "When Good People Have Affairs"

 

Talk about an oxymoron of a title

[pureinheart]

thanks pureinheart .. for all your posts .. can you tell me more about your situation?

 

No problem, and it is my hope it helps you:)

 

We met at work, and both of us had been in the same industry all of our working careers. He moved to my hometown when he was 17 and we knew all of the same people (our work contained thousands of people also).

 

Long story short he chased me for several years and then one day I saw something different in him...we had been friends prior and I knew his marriage was over. We were crazy about each other.

 

As time went on it became increasingly hard for me to handle him being married, even though he really wasn't into the marriage and was not having sex with his wife, still the fact remained, he was married. Also he was distrought a lot and continually confused. He had had a horrible childhood and then went into a very abusive marriage of which he was abusive also...just sick IMO. His kids are/were nosey basket cases. I could probably handle their behavior about two seconds and then someone would meet Jesus face to face and it would not be me:).

 

I could not take it anymore and went NC, when he finally (after two or three months) realised I was serious, I believe he retaliated by leaving an email up of me telling him to leave me alone which gave his wife and kids my email and other sorts of privite info...well I ended up with a family of stalkers harrassing me. I blew them all off because they weren't worth my time and it is how I ended up on LS.

 

A few months later he separated from his wife and he contacted me. We hung out here and there, and then his wife filed for divorce w/restraining order attached due to him harrassing her and her new bf and threatening him ...the only reason he told me the truth bout this is because he feared his kids would spill the beans and would do so gladly...they loved stirring sh*t up....anyway he professed undying love and basically asked me to marry him...I think he did that out of fear of being alone.

 

I went through the divorce with him even though he was extremely abusive...I blew it off and chalked it up to the stress he was experiencing.

 

I may never know the truth about various things, although I know my own truth and what I saw and discerned. Bottom line, he was a very disturbed individual, with a complicated past. He did a lot for me. He helped me renovate to places, he fixed a lot of stuff for me and saved me a lot of money. I had been indirectly involved with 9 11 and had gone through hell and back with many other things and he was there for me when he could be. We quit smoking together. He was highly intelligent. I did many things for him, mainly laying down my life for him.

 

We just wouldn't work and I know it...he's very sneaky and a hoarder...I am straight up and a clean freak...our relationship would be over before it started...we were meant to be friends actually and things were taken way out of context.

 

Tigers, we have a tendancy to see greener grass, maybe it is, and maybe it isn't. I'm still trying to figure out what happened and why, discovering new profitable info everyday...mourning the loss of a friend and a person that at one time thought I'd spend the rest of my life with. I am still in denial to some degree. This is all a bad dream, but I will heal.

 

I hope you are doing as best as expected...it's hard to leave a family that you love...it is a drastic change, your whole life becaomes different just like that and many can't handle it...hang in there Tigers, you'll make the right decision, I know it:)

[pureinheart]

Tigers, you might try reading Mira Kirschenbaum's "When Good People Have Affairs", to help you think through your issues. My H found it useful.

 

(She's written another book called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" as well, that I haven't read, but may also relate to some of your concerns.)

 

That is an excellent book BTW, a good easy read:)

[pureinheart]

Struck a nerve? Hardly. I came on this site looking for other people in the same situation as me. Not for people like you who have nothing to contribute, other than to try and make yourself feel better at the expense of others. Of course, you are welcome to continue posting, it is an open forum, but it doesn't mean that you provide any information that is helpful or useful. You are clearly biased, and very hurt by what happened to you. That sucks. Might be time to move on someplace else where you can comiserate with others in a similar situation? Or better yet, move on and live your life. That's just my opinion though, and you have been a perfect example of why I will no longer be checking this site. Good luck to all, I'll deal with my life as I see fit. At least I know that in my worst moment, I'll still be happier than you will ever be. That is all.

 

 

Ahhhh FNM, I hope you change your mind...should you not, I wish you the best and you are in my thoughts and prayers....

[greengoddess]

Honestly, I find it hard to believe that a woman who sleeps in a separate bed from her husband on a regular basis would be crushed and surprised that he fell in love with another woman and had sex with her. I call that obtuse.

 

 

 

Totally agree. This guy seems to be disconnected from his family. Hasn't even said a word about his feelings for leaving his girls and seems to work out of town a lot. he holds a very part time position with his family. i would be very surprised if there is not a reason why your wife no longer sleeps with you. She may very well be relieved if you tell her the truth.

[tigers1970]

On whether you are a repeat cheater or not, keep in mind that many people who cheat used to think they wouldn't cheat. And many who do end up cheating, think they won't cheat again. However, the reality seems to be that most people who have cheated will cheat again sometime unless something changes quite significantly.

 

If you don't tell your W and yet you stay in the M, I doubt very much will change. Your M may have further deteriorated over the course of the A, and is likely to stay in this low state, or perhaps improve a bit if you don't restart the A. Don't expect it to change much for the better, because that usually requires both people making it better which usually requires both people knowing what is going on.

 

So, if you are happy with a mediocre marriage, don't tell and continue on. However, if you will be very unhappy living indefinitely in a mediocre marriage and having affairs periodically to escape, then you should either leave or tell. If you tell, there is a chance your M will end whether you want it to or not. However, if it doesn't end, and you both decide you want to make it work, then you will have a real opportunity to make it better.

 

Furthermore, for your wife's perspective, most people (particularly those who don't cheat themselves or don't help others cheat) don't like to live a lie.

hi , get what you saying , whether i or anyone will cheat again or for the first time is impossible to say . i pray to god i ve learned my lesson . i ve read here a few times of bs becoming ow later and the like ,so anything can happen . i ve read other bs both male and female here saying they would never ever cheat on anyone , i hope they dont , but its still possible , no one is totally immune if the right person came along while "things at home" are nt too good at that given time . im just thinking out loud here , but im no expert on these things , i ve never been a bs (to my knowledge) , i just a guy who fell for an ow and betrayed my wife in the process , anyway i cant argue with your logic , but im still undecided if i will tell w

[bentnotbroken]

hi , get what you saying , whether i or anyone will cheat again or for the first time is impossible to say . i pray to god i ve learned my lesson . i ve read here a few times of bs becoming ow later and the like ,so anything can happen . i ve read other bs both male and female here saying they would never ever cheat on anyone , i hope they dont , but its still possible , no one is totally immune if the right person came along while "things at home" are nt too good at that given time . im just thinking out loud here , but im no expert on these things , i ve never been a bs (to my knowledge) , i just a guy who fell for an ow and betrayed my wife in the process , anyway i cant argue with your logic , but im still undecided if i will tell w

 

 

It's only possible if it is entertained. Easy...don't entertain it.

[tigers1970]

Totally agree. This guy seems to be disconnected from his family. Hasn't even said a word about his feelings for leaving his girls and seems to work out of town a lot. he holds a very part time position with his family. i would be very surprised if there is not a reason why your wife no longer sleeps with you. She may very well be relieved if you tell her the truth.

i am disconnected from my family there is no doubt , i some times dont feel like im at home when im at home . that dont make it much easier to leave . and for the record i do love my kids and try to be a good father , i ve been away from home ( for months at a time frequently) alot so maybe it not surprising . wife got in the habit of sleeping with them while i was away . id come home and be at times in another world thinking of events that happened while away so she kind of leave me be . maybe she would be relieved . she has never accused me of cheating and is always happy to see me when i return , still !.... but is she happy . i dont know

[tigers1970]

No problem, and it is my hope it helps you:)

 

We met at work, and both of us had been in the same industry all of our working careers. He moved to my hometown when he was 17 and we knew all of the same people (our work contained thousands of people also).

 

Long story short he chased me for several years and then one day I saw something different in him...we had been friends prior and I knew his marriage was over. We were crazy about each other.

 

As time went on it became increasingly hard for me to handle him being married, even though he really wasn't into the marriage and was not having sex with his wife, still the fact remained, he was married. Also he was distrought a lot and continually confused. He had had a horrible childhood and then went into a very abusive marriage of which he was abusive also...just sick IMO. His kids are/were nosey basket cases. I could probably handle their behavior about two seconds and then someone would meet Jesus face to face and it would not be me:).

 

I could not take it anymore and went NC, when he finally (after two or three months) realised I was serious, I believe he retaliated by leaving an email up of me telling him to leave me alone which gave his wife and kids my email and other sorts of privite info...well I ended up with a family of stalkers harrassing me. I blew them all off because they weren't worth my time and it is how I ended up on LS.

 

A few months later he separated from his wife and he contacted me. We hung out here and there, and then his wife filed for divorce w/restraining order attached due to him harrassing her and her new bf and threatening him ...the only reason he told me the truth bout this is because he feared his kids would spill the beans and would do so gladly...they loved stirring sh*t up....anyway he professed undying love and basically asked me to marry him...I think he did that out of fear of being alone.

 

I went through the divorce with him even though he was extremely abusive...I blew it off and chalked it up to the stress he was experiencing.

 

I may never know the truth about various things, although I know my own truth and what I saw and discerned. Bottom line, he was a very disturbed individual, with a complicated past. He did a lot for me. He helped me renovate to places, he fixed a lot of stuff for me and saved me a lot of money. I had been indirectly involved with 9 11 and had gone through hell and back with many other things and he was there for me when he could be. We quit smoking together. He was highly intelligent. I did many things for him, mainly laying down my life for him.

 

We just wouldn't work and I know it...he's very sneaky and a hoarder...I am straight up and a clean freak...our relationship would be over before it started...we were meant to be friends actually and things were taken way out of context.

 

Tigers, we have a tendancy to see greener grass, maybe it is, and maybe it isn't. I'm still trying to figure out what happened and why, discovering new profitable info everyday...mourning the loss of a friend and a person that at one time thought I'd spend the rest of my life with. I am still in denial to some degree. This is all a bad dream, but I will heal.

 

I hope you are doing as best as expected...it's hard to leave a family that you love...it is a drastic change, your whole life becaomes different just like that and many can't handle it...hang in there Tigers, you'll make the right decision, I know it:)

wow sounds like very complicated situation and im sure you will heal .. you come across as a very positive nice person with a lot to offer , thanks for sharing your story

[tigers1970]

The reason that it is ( at least in my opinion) very important to talk to your wife about your affair is because if you want to stay married and help prevent affairs from happening in the future, then you and your wife need to sit down and have a good, honest and open talk about why the affair happened. It may sound odd, but your wife needs to know what was going on ( or not going on) in your marriage that left you in a place where you were vulnerable to developing feeling for someone else and acting upon them. This does not mean that your wife is to blame, but rather that all involved need to own there role in the whole thing. This is where counseling can help 9 a neutral 3rd party can be great to have around when you talk)

 

But before you do this, my advice to you is to give your wife a chance to express her anger, hurt, humiliation, etc. at what happened. Give her the time she needs to "grieve" about the affair and the loss of the marriage she thought she had. Let her get it all out without rationalizing your behavior to her. that's not the time for it. If she has any questions about the affair, answer them openly and honestly-hiding things from her or "lying to protect her" won't help.

 

Once she is ready, and if you two choose to stay together, that's when the hard work begins. It is hard work, but it's well worth it. The goal is to get to a place where the affair is "just something that happened a long time ago"... not there yet myself over my husband's affair, but working on it every day.

20 years with my wife , fair to say i know how she would react and how she would deal with it ... she would kick my ass out and never take me back

[tigers1970]

It's only possible if it is entertained. Easy...don't entertain it.

if only it was as simple as that

[whichwayisup]

20 years with my wife , fair to say i know how she would react and how she would deal with it ... she would kick my ass out and never take me back

 

So is this why you don't want to tell her? It gives her the control over the situation, where as right now you have the reins, get to say what happens, how things go? Once she knows, it's out of your hands.. She gets a big say in her marriage, which she should. Even more so since it seems (feeling i get) is you do want out of your marriage.

[Owl]

20 years with my wife , fair to say i know how she would react and how she would deal with it ... she would kick my ass out and never take me back

 

I really don't know why I'm posting this, but I'll throw it out there.

 

My wife felt exactly the same way you do.

 

She was convinced that I would either throw her out or I'd simply up and leave once her affair was discovered. This was after 17 years of marriage.

 

Turned out I did none of the above.

 

There's no real way to know how she's going to react until she's actually and truly faced with that knowledge and decision.

 

Right now, she's not even got the chance to make that choice for herself because you're denying her that critical information that she deserves to know. You're making that choice for her...and frankly, it's not your choice to make on your own.

 

You're not witholding this information to protect her...you're witholding it to protect yourself...at her expense.

 

I'm not saying she won't up and throw you out. I'm saying that you can't honestly know for sure...because no one knows how they're going to react to this kind of situation until they're actually in it. Not her, not you, not anyone.

 

What I am saying is that she deserves the choice to decide whether or not to throw you out, based on this information that you're witholding from her.

[jthorne]

if only it was as simple as that

But it IS simple as that.

[tigers1970]

So is this why you don't want to tell her? It gives her the control over the situation, where as right now you have the reins, get to say what happens, how things go? Once she knows, it's out of your hands.. She gets a big say in her marriage, which she should. Even more so since it seems (feeling i get) is you do want out of your marriage.

i dont know now if i want out or not and that the truth . i think one of the reasons she would like to know is if she thought people in our locality ( friendsetc)knew about the affair ,so she would hate to be a fool , but no one knows . it happened out of state and would be impossible for her to find out . it also would create havoc in my family . wife is close to my mother and sisters and both our parents are friends as well so it would be total mayhem ... and before you say it i should have thought that before the affair .

[tigers1970]

But it IS simple as that.

how many thousands or even millions of affairs are going on worldwide ? if it was a simple as that then affairs would nt be so common place imo

[tigers1970]

I really don't know why I'm posting this, but I'll throw it out there.

 

My wife felt exactly the same way you do.

 

She was convinced that I would either throw her out or I'd simply up and leave once her affair was discovered. This was after 17 years of marriage.

 

Turned out I did none of the above.

 

There's no real way to know how she's going to react until she's actually and truly faced with that knowledge and decision.

 

Right now, she's not even got the chance to make that choice for herself because you're denying her that critical information that she deserves to know. You're making that choice for her...and frankly, it's not your choice to make on your own.

 

You're not witholding this information to protect her...you're witholding it to protect yourself...at her expense.

 

I'm not saying she won't up and throw you out. I'm saying that you can't honestly know for sure...because no one knows how they're going to react to this kind of situation until they're actually in it. Not her, not you, not anyone.

 

What I am saying is that she deserves the choice to decide whether or not to throw you out, based on this information that you're witholding from her.

did you take your wife back?

[whichwayisup]

i dont know now if i want out or not and that the truth . i think one of the reasons she would like to know is if she thought people in our locality ( friendsetc)knew about the affair ,so she would hate to be a fool , but no one knows . it happened out of state and would be impossible for her to find out . it also would create havoc in my family . wife is close to my mother and sisters and both our parents are friends as well so it would be total mayhem ... and before you say it i should have thought that before the affair .

 

Why do you feel now you don't want out of your marriage? Because of OW? Or because what you felt for OW is slowly not as intense as it once was, she's not in your life anymore and now you don't want to be alone, lose your family and wife?

 

Yes, I agree, stuff that should have been thought about before cheating. Sadly though, you didn't and when the truth comes out (and it will eventually) alot of innocent people will suffer. Your wife may still be close with your side of the family, reguardless of what happens between you two since she isn't the one who cheated..

 

Don't stay married because you're afraid of the fallout. It's just one of many consquences of fallout from your affair..