mm just out of an affair

[Owl]

did you take your wife back?

 

Yes I did. It took a lot of work and effort on both our parts, but our marriage is very happily recovered. Sorry, I should have mentioned that...obviously a key missing component in my post.

 

In your situation...she may or she may not choose to take you back.

 

But doesn't she deserve the chance to make that choice with all the pertinent information, rather than being denied the chance and information to even let her decide?

[tigers1970]

Why do you feel now you don't want out of your marriage? Because of OW? Or because what you felt for OW is slowly not as intense as it once was, she's not in your life anymore and now you don't want to be alone, lose your family and wife?

 

Yes, I agree, stuff that should have been thought about before cheating. Sadly though, you didn't and when the truth comes out (and it will eventually) alot of innocent people will suffer. Your wife may still be close with your side of the family, reguardless of what happens between you two since she isn't the one who cheated..

 

Don't stay married because you're afraid of the fallout. It's just one of many consquences of fallout from your affair..

ow is always on my mind , im not scared of being on my own . and if i leave i will be . i agree wife has right to know , i m just pointing out the likely fallout. my own mother will disown me

[tigers1970]

Yes I did. It took a lot of work and effort on both our parts, but our marriage is very happily recovered. Sorry, I should have mentioned that...obviously a key missing component in my post.

 

In your situation...she may or she may not choose to take you back.

 

But doesn't she deserve the chance to make that choice with all the pertinent information, rather than being denied the chance and information to even let her decide?

she probably does but there are women here that said they rather not know ..

[whichwayisup]

ow is always on my mind , im not scared of being on my own . and if i leave i will be . i agree wife has right to know , i m just pointing out the likely fallout. my own mother will disown me

 

A big price to pay and alot to lose. But, that's not a reason to stay married to someone you seem to not love or truly want to reconnect with.

 

Have you looked up a counsellor yet? I suggest you seek therapy soon.

[MorningCoffee]

ow is always on my mind , im not scared of being on my own . and if i leave i will be . i agree wife has right to know , i m just pointing out the likely fallout. my own mother will disown me

 

Let me offer one thought here. Background: In my own situation many years ago, I was the BS. Thought we'd divorce. But we did not, we slowly reconciled, and went on for many more, much more fulfilling years.

 

Neither of us told our families much at all -- I told mine that we were "having problems," and had separated. Period. I don't know what W told hers, but doubt it was even that much (she was the one who had the affair and D-Day had led to my tossing her out).

 

My point is that you two can control what and how much the extended family knows. It is YOUR marriage, and you can keep as much of what goes on in it a secret shared only between you two as you want.

 

Something to think about. Best wishes to you.

[tigers1970]

A big price to pay and alot to lose. But, that's not a reason to stay married to someone you seem to not love or truly want to reconnect with.

 

Have you looked up a counsellor yet? I suggest you seek therapy soon.

ya i ve investigated counselling and found some one that will suit but will wait until jan to start now

[tigers1970]

Let me offer one thought here. Background: In my own situation many years ago, I was the BS. Thought we'd divorce. But we did not, we slowly reconciled, and went on for many more, much more fulfilling years.

 

Neither of us told our families much at all -- I told mine that we were "having problems," and had separated. Period. I don't know what W told hers, but doubt it was even that much (she was the one who had the affair and D-Day had led to my tossing her out).

 

My point is that you two can control what and how much the extended family knows. It is YOUR marriage, and you can keep as much of what goes on in it a secret shared only between you two as you want.

 

Something to think about. Best wishes to you.

thank you for that

[kuma]

i dont know now if i want out or not and that the truth . i think one of the reasons she would like to know is if she thought people in our locality ( friendsetc)knew about the affair ,so she would hate to be a fool , but no one knows . it happened out of state and would be impossible for her to find out . it also would create havoc in my family . wife is close to my mother and sisters and both our parents are friends as well so it would be total mayhem ... and before you say it i should have thought that before the affair .

 

Are you sure? The truth often comes out when you least expect it. Many BS discover their spouses' affairs many years later. I think you should tell you wife now. IMO, everybody deserves to be told the truth. Please let her make her own decisions about her life.

[bentnotbroken]

how many thousands or even millions of affairs are going on worldwide ? if it was a simple as that then affairs would nt be so common place imo

 

 

It is as simple as not putting yourself in that position. It happens all the time because people are just like yourself....selfish. When we put what we want in front of what is right and the needs of others we get stupid and do stupid crap.

[tigers1970]

It is as simple as not putting yourself in that position. It happens all the time because people are just like yourself....selfish. When we put what we want in front of what is right and the needs of others we get stupid and do stupid crap.

point taken

[Owl]

she probably does but there are women here that said they rather not know ..

 

You're right. But if you were to take a poll, you'd find that the vast majority of those women who say they'd rather not know are currently or recently OW. A few may have been BW's in years past, but have moved onto a new position on the triangle since then.

 

Whereas the vast majority of posters urging you to tell are BS's...men and women who have been in your wife's shoes and telling you that they feel she'd want to know, that she deserves to know.

[tigers1970]

Search notsure7. Most of his story is here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t192097/

He was all set to leave his wife for ow.

read this guys story just now ,, anyone know how it turned out ??

[siuys]

To tell or not to tell... maybe go to counselling, sort your head and heart out, give it a little time before making any rash decisions?

[OWoman]

The reason that it is ( at least in my opinion) very important to talk to your wife about your affair is because if you want to stay married and help prevent affairs from happening in the future, then you and your wife need to sit down and have a good, honest and open talk about why the affair happened. It may sound odd, but your wife needs to know what was going on ( or not going on) in your marriage that left you in a place where you were vulnerable to developing feeling for someone else and acting upon them. This does not mean that your wife is to blame, but rather that all involved need to own there role in the whole thing. This is where counseling can help 9 a neutral 3rd party can be great to have around when you talk)

 

But before you do this, my advice to you is to give your wife a chance to express her anger, hurt, humiliation, etc. at what happened. Give her the time she needs to "grieve" about the affair and the loss of the marriage she thought she had. Let her get it all out without rationalizing your behavior to her. that's not the time for it. If she has any questions about the affair, answer them openly and honestly-hiding things from her or "lying to protect her" won't help.

 

Once she is ready, and if you two choose to stay together, that's when the hard work begins. It is hard work, but it's well worth it. The goal is to get to a place where the affair is "just something that happened a long time ago"... not there yet myself over my husband's affair, but working on it every day.

 

This is sound advice... unless:

 

* you don't see any future with your BW, in which case not telling her isn't going to ruin your future R, and may be tactically smart;

* you plan on staying with your W, but not really investing in the M. Just treading water until something better comes along, until you gather the courage to leave, or until she feels the M isn't worth the effort anymore and ends the M herself;

* you plan to stay M, but choose to retain the upper hand by keeping the knowledge from your W, ensuring that the power balance always remains tipped firmly in your favour, and never respecting your W enough as an equal partner to trust her with the information; or

* you plan to remain in limbo for the rest of your life, never really deciding, just letting the current push you whichever way it feels like doing.

 

If you do want to stay with your M, and not just recover but reinvent the M, then leaving her ignorant of your A is showing her profound disrespect, treating her as lesser and incapable of handling the information (or lesser and not worthy of the right to make her own decisions over her own destiny). I'm frankly not sure why anyone would want to commit wholeheartedly to a partner they were not prepared to respect or treat as an equal, but I guess it works for some people to be mated with someone that makes them feel inferior, or against whom they can feel some kind of superiority.

[greengoddess]

i am disconnected from my family there is no doubt , i some times dont feel like im at home when im at home . that dont make it much easier to leave . and for the record i do love my kids and try to be a good father , i ve been away from home ( for months at a time frequently) alot so maybe it not surprising . wife got in the habit of sleeping with them while i was away . id come home and be at times in another world thinking of events that happened while away so she kind of leave me be . maybe she would be relieved . she has never accused me of cheating and is always happy to see me when i return , still !.... but is she happy . i dont know

 

She's a woman. If you are away months at a time and she is not craving sex when you get back you have a problem you are not facing. I can not imagine she is celibate. Habit of sleeping with the kids or not she would really want sex when she finally saw you. How long has it been since you've had sex with your wife?

[tigers1970]

This is sound advice... unless:

 

* you don't see any future with your BW, in which case not telling her isn't going to ruin your future R, and may be tactically smart;

* you plan on staying with your W, but not really investing in the M. Just treading water until something better comes along, until you gather the courage to leave, or until she feels the M isn't worth the effort anymore and ends the M herself;

* you plan to stay M, but choose to retain the upper hand by keeping the knowledge from your W, ensuring that the power balance always remains tipped firmly in your favour, and never respecting your W enough as an equal partner to trust her with the information; or

* you plan to remain in limbo for the rest of your life, never really deciding, just letting the current push you whichever way it feels like doing.

 

If you do want to stay with your M, and not just recover but reinvent the M, then leaving her ignorant of your A is showing her profound disrespect, treating her as lesser and incapable of handling the information (or lesser and not worthy of the right to make her own decisions over her own destiny). I'm frankly not sure why anyone would want to commit wholeheartedly to a partner they were not prepared to respect or treat as an equal, but I guess it works for some people to be mated with someone that makes them feel inferior, or against whom they can feel some kind of superiority.

more sound advice .. i m just unable to see beyond my nose at the min , i have from what can i tell serious affair withdrawl , im just totally pining for ow with weeks now ,3 weeks nc at her insistence , and the news that she dating has been unbearable , im trying to ride it out so can get some perspective , but its hard , how i wish now i kept my pants zipped up

[OWoman]

wife got in the habit of sleeping with them while i was away .

 

Am I the only one who finds this freaky? These are not babies - they're 8 & 10 year old girls!!

[greengoddess]

Am I the only one who finds this freaky? These are not babies - they're 8 & 10 year old girls!!

 

She may be doing it to avoid having to sleep with tigers. I have a feeling he's become nothing more than a paycheck if his wife is not jumping him when he walks in the door.

[tigers1970]

She's a woman. If you are away months at a time and she is not craving sex when you get back you have a problem you are not facing. I can not imagine she is celibate. Habit of sleeping with the kids or not she would really want sex when she finally saw you. How long has it been since you've had sex with your wife?

 

over a year , had sex with her 3 or 4 times while with ow but not the last year or so ... after our second child she got coil fitted and her sex drive just nose dived from where it used to be

[greengoddess]

over a year , had sex with her 3 or 4 times while with ow but not the last year or so ... after our second child she got coil fitted and her sex drive just nose dived from where it used to be

 

lol she get fitted for contraceptives and her sex drive disappeared WITH YOU. Does your second kid look like you? Sounds like you haven't been there for her or them at all. Tell her. She will be relieved.

[OWoman]

more sound advice .. i m just unable to see beyond my nose at the min , i have from what can i tell serious affair withdrawl , im just totally pining for ow with weeks now ,3 weeks nc at her insistence , and the news that she dating has been unbearable , im trying to ride it out so can get some perspective , but its hard , how i wish now i kept my pants zipped up

 

Tigers, I can understand your need to mourn. The loss of any loved one is devastating, particularly where there is unfinished business.

 

However - unless you want your W to work out your A for herself, through your behaviour, you need to start looking forward instead of back. There can be no more A - your xOW has made this clear. If you want to be with her, it needs to be as an open, "honest" full-time partner. Which requires you to leave your W and family. Is that what you want? If so, you know what to do - difficult as it may be.

 

If not, is committing fully to your W and family what you want? If so, you need to work through your feelings for your OW, find out (through IC, but also through MC or through deep, uncomfortable one-on-one discussions with your W, if you can face that) what it was within your M and within you that left you feeling vulnerable and open to an A. You need to face that, understand it and take the necessary action to prevent it happening again if you are to have any chance of your M succeeding. Again, you know what to do - however difficult it is.

 

If not, how long are you prepared to remain in limbo, undecided and unwilling to decide? Are you prepared to deal with the consequences of a decision being made for you - even if that decision turns out not to be the one you'd have preferred? Are you happy to be a passenger in your own life, and to put your W and kids in that driverless runaway car with you? Are you happy to accept the consequences - whatever they are - for yourself, your wife and your kids, and your xOW, of doing nothing?

 

I know you're feeling overwhelmed and swamped right now, and that that is leaving you feeling paralysed. But it works both ways - as long as you remain paralysed, you will feel overwhelmed and swamped. Once you start moving, take a decision - any decision - and start acting on it, you will regain a sense of control, a sense of purpose, and a sense of perspective. Remaining stuck will cause you to remain stuck. Are you happy to live with that - and with the fallout of that for your family - and for your xOW and any future hopes and dreams she may have had, longer term, with you?

[BB07]

lol she get fitted for contraceptives and her sex drive disappeared WITH YOU. Does your second kid look like you? Sounds like you haven't been there for her or them at all. Tell her. She will be relieved.

 

Hell-o.......don't you think you are crossing a line here gg??

 

A lot of cruel ASSUMPTIONS on your part.

[greengoddess]

do me a favour and f off from this

thread .. i sick of you

 

 

Why? You are doing it why wouldn't your wife? I'm trying to give you some reality. Women like sex and you are always gone. You're haivng sex while away...

[OWoman]

She may be doing it to avoid having to sleep with tigers. I have a feeling he's become nothing more than a paycheck if his wife is not jumping him when he walks in the door.

 

Exactly!! This is so not normal...

 

over a year , had sex with her 3 or 4 times while with ow but not the last year or so ... after our second child she got coil fitted and her sex drive just nose dived from where it used to be

 

This is not normal either, unless it's one of those progesterone IUCSs (but those have only been around a couple of years?). A normal IUD doesn't impact libido at all, unless she's developed PID or some other infection or discomfort which is making sex unpleasant or painful for her - in which case, she should have had that checked out by a gynae immediately. Suffering because of a badly fitted or inappropriate contraceptive is counterproductive, and the gynae who fitted it would almost certainly have checked with her during follow-ups and routine visits for pap smears etc. I used an IUD for decades (not the same one - they only last about 5 years each! ) precisely because it was the one form of contraception that didn't mess with my libido, my weight, my hormone levels or any other systems, or my comfort levels, while still providing me with the level of protection against pregnancy I required.

 

If your W is having problems because of her IUD, this method is not suitable contraception for yourselves and needs to be discussed with a reproductive health practitioner with a view to its earliest and most appropriate replacement!

[BB07]

As a woman who has been married......resentment is the killer of sex drives, IMO, discounting something physical going on. Tigers.......do you think your wife resents you? Maybe for being gone so much? Maybe for not doing what she thinks is your share of childcare and/or housework?

Do you think if you hadn't lost that sexual connection with your wife you wouldn't have been vulnerable to an affair?