mm just out of an affair

[BB07]

she s an _____

 

Don't get yourself banned tigers.......put those that offend you deeply on ignore.

[tigers1970]

Why? You are doing it why wouldn't your wife? I'm trying to give you some reality. Women like sex and you are always gone. You're haivng sex while away...

you take too much pleasure pointing out what you think is my reality .. go annoy somem one else

[tigers1970]

Don't get yourself banned tigers.......put those that offend you deeply on ignore.

didn t know i could .. will get right to it ... opologise to the moderator and anyone else i offended but i dont like that woman

[OWoman]

Don't get yourself banned tigers.......put those that offend you deeply on ignore.

 

... or, if the post violates the Terms of Service, press the "alert us" button (next to the "quote" button at the bottom of the post.

 

Biting back will bring infractions on yourself, too - and if you're needing the site as a forum to express, vent, question or gain perspective, losing access is not a great idea

[spice4life]

I don't know if this will help any, but someone, whom I respect immensely, told me that the best indicator that a relationship is right for you is how you feel about yourself when in a relationship with that person. Do you feel good about yourself, focus on your good qualities and have a desire to be even better? Or, do you feel bad about yourself and only look at your negative traits? This made so much sense to me. I can actually say that I felt good about who I was and and wanted to grow in a positive way when I was with my xMM. The only thing that made me feel crappy was the circumstances of being in the affair. Take away the affair part and yeah, I felt good about me when I was involved with him. I'm not sure if it was that way for him though. I don't really know, affair aside, if he felt good about himself with me.

Edited December 10, 2010 by spice4life

[tigers1970]

As a woman who has been married......resentment is the killer of sex drives, IMO, discounting something physical going on. Tigers.......do you think your wife resents you? Maybe for being gone so much? Maybe for not doing what she thinks is your share of childcare and/or housework?

Do you think if you hadn't lost that sexual connection with your wife you wouldn't have been vulnerable to an affair?

she almost certainly resents me.. my former job put her under extreme pressure and i did nt do my fair share around the house , she would beg me not to go away on duty every time but i had to , it s what i do and i was very good at it , being away from home for so long at the time would strain any marriage , before the affair we did have sex , not like rabbits but it was ok , but obviously there was /is something wrong (besides me being a selfish prick)

[tigers1970]

... or, if the post violates the Terms of Service, press the "alert us" button (next to the "quote" button at the bottom of the post.

 

Biting back will bring infractions on yourself, too - and if you're needing the site as a forum to express, vent, question or gain perspective, losing access is not a great idea

thanks for advice but i wont alert anyone ,, just hope she stays away

[greengoddess]

she s an evil bitch

 

You are involved in a year and a half SEXUAL affair with another woman. You are not having sex with your wife. Your wife sleeps with an 8 and 10 year old when you are home and I am evil suggesting she could be having the same fun as you?????? What is evil about that? SEX causes pregnancy by the way. You could get the ow pregnant...

[tigers1970]

Exactly!! This is so not normal...

 

 

 

This is not normal either, unless it's one of those progesterone IUCSs (but those have only been around a couple of years?). A normal IUD doesn't impact libido at all, unless she's developed PID or some other infection or discomfort which is making sex unpleasant or painful for her - in which case, she should have had that checked out by a gynae immediately. Suffering because of a badly fitted or inappropriate contraceptive is counterproductive, and the gynae who fitted it would almost certainly have checked with her during follow-ups and routine visits for pap smears etc. I used an IUD for decades (not the same one - they only last about 5 years each! ) precisely because it was the one form of contraception that didn't mess with my libido, my weight, my hormone levels or any other systems, or my comfort levels, while still providing me with the level of protection against pregnancy I required.

 

If your W is having problems because of her IUD, this method is not suitable contraception for yourselves and needs to be discussed with a reproductive health practitioner with a view to its earliest and most appropriate replacement!

ok got the time frame mixed up here ,, this thing she calls the coil was fitted i would guess bout 3 years ago and she has admitted that it has had effect on sex drive (some of her friends have same prob with it) after that i dont know ladies , hav no clue about those things . but im not going to jump to conclusions that she screwing around just yet .

[MorningCoffee]

Tigers, there's a great feature you can use to screen away posts from particular posters if you want. You can place any other poster you wish on your "IGNORE" list -- that way their posts will not appear in full, although the fact that they posted it will, and you can then choose whether or not to read them. Here's how:

 

Go to the top left, and click on My Profile/CP

CP is your Control Panel. Scroll down to the settings where you'll see Edit Your Ignore List.

 

Open that and choose the option to add someone to your list.

 

Start typing in the dialogue box the name of the poster, and the name will appear for you to click on it to add it to the list.

 

Then Save.

 

Done.

 

I have a few on my list who IMO repeatedly had nothing constructive to say or just liked to make digs at people or always said the exact same thing. Not just on my threads but any threads. Very nice feature.

[OWoman]

ok got the time frame mixed up here ,, this thing she calls the coil was fitted i would guess bout 3 years ago and she has admitted that it has had effect on sex drive (some of her friends have same prob with it) after that i dont know ladies , hav no clue about those things . but im not going to jump to conclusions that she screwing around just yet .

 

I'm not suggesting she's screwing around or anything - just that it's not normal and is thus not something that just has to be accepted. If she has a problem with her contraception, she should (have, immediately) discuss it with her doctor and get it changed! If it's affecting your sex life as a couple, it's clearly not the right contraceptive choice for you as a couple.

 

Similarly, sleeping with your daughters is not normal. She's avoiding intimacy - for whatever reason - and that needs to be addressed. It's not good for your M, and it's almost certainly not good for girls of that age about to (or already) hitting puberty to have their mother sleeping with them (in an economic situation where financial constraints don't require that entire extended families all live in the same room...).

[tigers1970]

Tigers, there's a great feature you can use to screen away posts from particular posters if you want. You can place any other poster you wish on your "IGNORE" list -- that way their posts will not appear in full, although the fact that they posted it will, and you can then choose whether or not to read them. Here's how:

 

Go to the top left, and click on My Profile/CP

CP is your Control Panel. Scroll down to the settings where you'll see Edit Your Ignore List.

 

Open that and choose the option to add someone to your list.

 

Start typing in the dialogue box the name of the poster, and the name will appear for you to click on it to add it to the list.

 

Then Save.

 

Done.

 

I have a few on my list who IMO repeatedly had nothing constructive to say or just liked to make digs at people or always said the exact same thing. Not just on my threads but any threads. Very nice feature.

thank you very much , was trying to figure that out

[tigers1970]

I'm not suggesting she's screwing around or anything - just that it's not normal and is thus not something that just has to be accepted. If she has a problem with her contraception, she should (have, immediately) discuss it with her doctor and get it changed! If it's affecting your sex life as a couple, it's clearly not the right contraceptive choice for you as a couple.

 

Similarly, sleeping with your daughters is not normal. She's avoiding intimacy - for whatever reason - and that needs to be addressed. It's not good for your M, and it's almost certainly not good for girls of that age about to (or already) hitting puberty to have their mother sleeping with them (in an economic situation where financial constraints don't require that entire extended families all live in the same room...).

you are totally right and i am going to talk to her 2 moro when i get home about all that . tho not planning to tell her about tha A , i want to try and get inside her head

[greengoddess]

Time and time again you read where the om/ow like to say that the wife "knows" but doesn't know for sure. that they are just in denial because all the red flags are there. Now here is a mm in an 18 month affair and he has numerous red flags in his marriage and you are all advising that he ignore those red flags. Why?

 

Look at the facts.

 

He is always away.

Has not been there for his wife.

His wife sleeps with the kids when he comes home.

His wife no longer wanted sex with him After GOING ON CONTRACEPTIVES.

 

 

I would strongly suggest you snoop a little. The red flags are there.

Why do you think she is not capable of an affaair when you are in the same marriage as her and you are having an affair and fell in love?

[greengoddess]

you are totally right and i am going to talk to her 2 moro when i get home about all that . tho not planning to tell her about tha A , i want to try and get inside her head

OMG you are going to talk to her about why she has no sex drive with you when have not wanted sex with her for the last 18 months because you were with someone else??? Don't you dare put this on her. Tell her the truth. MAN UP.

[Kismetly]

Tiger - you remind me so much of my affair partner that it breaks my heart.

 

I can see myself doing what your OW has done and just being done at some stage. Not sure where my breaking point will be.

 

One thing that I can say to you that I don't feel comfortable saying to my AP (who claims to have been in a sex-starved marriage for 15 years) is that there is a lot of information and support for partners in sex-starved marriages (SSM) available.

 

It is possible to recreate that part of your life with your wife - but you need to develop the skills to do it. An important thing I've learned about mismatched libido that makes so much sense to me is that both the high drive and low drive partner contribute to that dynamic. You can learn how to be the man who your wife wants to be intimate with.

 

Google sex-starved marriage. Michelle Weiner-Davis, a pro-marriage advocate and professional author and counsellor has written a couple of books on the subject and she's got a bulletin board.

 

As a current OW I'd love to tell you to get your ****e together, figure out what you want out of life, leave your marriage if it's not working for you (or your wife by the sounds of it) and possibly reconnect with your OW (because that's what I'd like for me) ... but as a rational outsider, who's been thinking about commitment and married relationships and the signficance of the commitment you make to someone when you get married, I really advise you to learn everything you can about turning around the situation with your wife.

 

On the issue of telling your wife ... gee I don't know about that. I've been on both sides of the fence. My xH had an affair that I didn't know about until after we separated. To be honest, I'm glad I didn't know about it. It certainly changed things between us when it was going on, and I didn't know why - but if I'd known he was having an affair, I think it would have been a lot harder to deal with making the decisions we eventually did to separate and divorce. As an OW it's a no-brainer. Dont' tell your wife - whatever you had with OW wasn't about your wife - but she wouldn't get that. (I suspect a lot of posters on here won't agree with that either).

 

The OW is a symptom of a whole heap of other stuff going on in your life and your marriage - she's not the cause of it - but you're wife will focus on that as being the ultimate problem and it will take away from the work you need to do together to rebuild a marriage that was already broken.

 

You've got 2 little kids. Divorce is never great for kids. It's possible to reconnect with your wife - love is a choice my friend. If you make that choice, and do the work to get it right - this may have all been a very important learning experience for you.

 

Take care, K

[pureinheart]

ow is always on my mind , im not scared of being on my own . and if i leave i will be . i agree wife has right to know , i m just pointing out the likely fallout. my own mother will disown me

 

Based on your other posts and this one, your wife will tell the world. To me, that's not cool. My ex cheated on me and I told noone, I dealt with him period, it's noone elses business IMO, it's your marriage.

 

I'm not trying to cut your wife down, I just hate busy-bodies and gossip.

 

Tigers, I can understand why you don't feel safe telling her. You may not feel safe with a lot of things concerning her...I can see the turmoil, you love her yet don't feel safe with various things....

[bentnotbroken]

Based on your other posts and this one, your wife will tell the world. To me, that's not cool. My ex cheated on me and I told noone, I dealt with him period, it's noone elses business IMO, it's your marriage.

 

I'm not trying to cut your wife down, I just hate busy-bodies and gossip.

 

Tigers, I can understand why you don't feel safe telling her. You may not feel safe with a lot of things concerning her...I can see the turmoil, you love her yet don't feel safe with various things....

 

 

If it were only his business he wouldn't have brought another person into it. The BS has the right to do whatever they need to heal. He doesn't feel safe telling her because he doesn't want to face the consequences of what he has done....simple as that. NO one who is truly remorseful would deny their BS whatever they needed to heal baring abuse. He loves him.

[bentnotbroken]

Tiger - you remind me so much of my affair partner that it breaks my heart.

 

I can see myself doing what your OW has done and just being done at some stage. Not sure where my breaking point will be.

 

One thing that I can say to you that I don't feel comfortable saying to my AP (who claims to have been in a sex-starved marriage for 15 years) is that there is a lot of information and support for partners in sex-starved marriages (SSM) available.

 

It is possible to recreate that part of your life with your wife - but you need to develop the skills to do it. An important thing I've learned about mismatched libido that makes so much sense to me is that both the high drive and low drive partner contribute to that dynamic. You can learn how to be the man who your wife wants to be intimate with.

 

Google sex-starved marriage. Michelle Weiner-Davis, a pro-marriage advocate and professional author and counsellor has written a couple of books on the subject and she's got a bulletin board.

 

As a current OW I'd love to tell you to get your ****e together, figure out what you want out of life, leave your marriage if it's not working for you (or your wife by the sounds of it) and possibly reconnect with your OW (because that's what I'd like for me) ... but as a rational outsider, who's been thinking about commitment and married relationships and the signficance of the commitment you make to someone when you get married, I really advise you to learn everything you can about turning around the situation with your wife.

 

On the issue of telling your wife ... gee I don't know about that. I've been on both sides of the fence. My xH had an affair that I didn't know about until after we separated. To be honest, I'm glad I didn't know about it. It certainly changed things between us when it was going on, and I didn't know why - but if I'd known he was having an affair, I think it would have been a lot harder to deal with making the decisions we eventually did to separate and divorce. As an OW it's a no-brainer. Dont' tell your wife - whatever you had with OW wasn't about your wife - but she wouldn't get that. (I suspect a lot of posters on here won't agree with that either).

 

The OW is a symptom of a whole heap of other stuff going on in your life and your marriage - she's not the cause of it - but you're wife will focus on that as being the ultimate problem and it will take away from the work you need to do together to rebuild a marriage that was already broken.

 

You've got 2 little kids. Divorce is never great for kids. It's possible to reconnect with your wife - love is a choice my friend. If you make that choice, and do the work to get it right - this may have all been a very important learning experience for you.

 

Take care, K

 

 

Why is only WS and AP the only ones promoting not telling the BS...I think it is a whole lot of azz covering. Everybody in the triangle is aware except the BS yet the other two get to make all the decisions that affect the BS...sick shiggidy.

[KarmasTestDummy]

over a year , had sex with her 3 or 4 times while with ow but not the last year or so ... after our second child she got coil fitted and her sex drive just nose dived from where it used to be

 

Okay, I really hate to jump on the "your wife is having an affair" bandwagon, but this just really hit me hard. Mind you I mean this in the most respectful and hope I'm wrong way...but if a woman who has gone without contraception for a while after having kids suddenly decides she wants to get on something the likelihood is that it is out of fear that her a would be discovered through the pregnancy of a child she can not explain. Men can get away with it with little regard to that but women know if they get knocked up when they aren't sleeping with their husband, then they got some explaining to do. My mm is actually convinced his w had an abortion behind his back from her a...because he had a vasectomy a couple of years ago and she knew she couldn't blame him.

And then...after the coil was put in her libido disappeared...also sounds like it occurred concurrently with when she may have been getting it elsewhere. Someday, somehow u have to look beyond ur own situation and start asking some questions about her actions as well. Otherwise in 50 years you may find out you both spent a lifetime together always wishing you were apart.

[tigers1970]

Based on your other posts and this one, your wife will tell the world. To me, that's not cool. My ex cheated on me and I told noone, I dealt with him period, it's noone elses business IMO, it's your marriage.

 

I'm not trying to cut your wife down, I just hate busy-bodies and gossip.

 

Tigers, I can understand why you don't feel safe telling her. You may not feel safe with a lot of things concerning her...I can see the turmoil, you love her yet don't feel safe with various things....

you see i live in a small community where everyone knows eachother and wife is like a sister to my sisters and my mother , my dad plays golf with her dad for crying out loud , i mean for sure all her family will feel like killing me and my own family will be mortified and so disappointed , i have an image of a war hero ( that i hate ) and big brave stand up guy and i feel a phony , i m crumbling inside , sunday im bringing her brother out for his first parachute jump tied on to me , he trusts me with his life and he would nt think for a second that i would cheat on his sister.

[bentnotbroken]

you see i live in a small community where everyone knows eachother and wife is like a sister to my sisters and my mother , my dad plays golf with her dad for crying out loud , i mean for sure all her family will feel like killing me and my own family will be mortified and so disappointed , i have an image of a war hero ( that i hate ) and big brave stand up guy and i feel a phony , i m crumbling inside , sunday im bringing her brother out for his first parachute jump tied on to me , he trusts me with his life and he would nt think for a second that i would cheat on his sister.

 

 

So your tarnished image is what you are most concerned about, not your wife having a choice. This I get. It speaks volumes.

[tigers1970]

So your tarnished image is what you are most concerned about, not your wife having a choice. This I get. It speaks volumes.

bentnotbroken .. ok we all know your point of view as a former bs .. almost all your posts say the same thing .. i have not said i will not tell wife about the A . i have decided however not to do anything rash or say anything til after x mas , for that i will make no opologies . you keep pointing out the same thing , i m just running through everything on my mind here that will , could happen . is that not ok with you ?? your posts suggest every single time that i will not tell her full stop and i have never said that . saying thing s like "he loves him" and "speaks volumes " in a sarcastic tone plus other remarks is getting tiresome ,,, i know i messed up and im trying to get my head right to do some thing constructive ... have you any thing to say without wagging your finger????

[tigers1970]

Tiger - you remind me so much of my affair partner that it breaks my heart.

 

I can see myself doing what your OW has done and just being done at some stage. Not sure where my breaking point will be.

 

One thing that I can say to you that I don't feel comfortable saying to my AP (who claims to have been in a sex-starved marriage for 15 years) is that there is a lot of information and support for partners in sex-starved marriages (SSM) available.

 

It is possible to recreate that part of your life with your wife - but you need to develop the skills to do it. An important thing I've learned about mismatched libido that makes so much sense to me is that both the high drive and low drive partner contribute to that dynamic. You can learn how to be the man who your wife wants to be intimate with.

 

Google sex-starved marriage. Michelle Weiner-Davis, a pro-marriage advocate and professional author and counsellor has written a couple of books on the subject and she's got a bulletin board.

 

As a current OW I'd love to tell you to get your ****e together, figure out what you want out of life, leave your marriage if it's not working for you (or your wife by the sounds of it) and possibly reconnect with your OW (because that's what I'd like for me) ... but as a rational outsider, who's been thinking about commitment and married relationships and the signficance of the commitment you make to someone when you get married, I really advise you to learn everything you can about turning around the situation with your wife.

 

On the issue of telling your wife ... gee I don't know about that. I've been on both sides of the fence. My xH had an affair that I didn't know about until after we separated. To be honest, I'm glad I didn't know about it. It certainly changed things between us when it was going on, and I didn't know why - but if I'd known he was having an affair, I think it would have been a lot harder to deal with making the decisions we eventually did to separate and divorce. As an OW it's a no-brainer. Dont' tell your wife - whatever you had with OW wasn't about your wife - but she wouldn't get that. (I suspect a lot of posters on here won't agree with that either).

 

The OW is a symptom of a whole heap of other stuff going on in your life and your marriage - she's not the cause of it - but you're wife will focus on that as being the ultimate problem and it will take away from the work you need to do together to rebuild a marriage that was already broken.

 

You've got 2 little kids. Divorce is never great for kids. It's possible to reconnect with your wife - love is a choice my friend. If you make that choice, and do the work to get it right - this may have all been a very important learning experience for you.

 

Take care, K

must say never heard of a condition of sex starved marriages but will check it out , you know i dont know if this site is helping or not , i came here to some how get relief over x ow but i seem to be obsessing more about her , my grief over her makes it impossible to make any major decision

[tigers1970]

Okay, I really hate to jump on the "your wife is having an affair" bandwagon, but this just really hit me hard. Mind you I mean this in the most respectful and hope I'm wrong way...but if a woman who has gone without contraception for a while after having kids suddenly decides she wants to get on something the likelihood is that it is out of fear that her a would be discovered through the pregnancy of a child she can not explain. Men can get away with it with little regard to that but women know if they get knocked up when they aren't sleeping with their husband, then they got some explaining to do. My mm is actually convinced his w had an abortion behind his back from her a...because he had a vasectomy a couple of years ago and she knew she couldn't blame him.

And then...after the coil was put in her libido disappeared...also sounds like it occurred concurrently with when she may have been getting it elsewhere. Someday, somehow u have to look beyond ur own situation and start asking some questions about her actions as well. Otherwise in 50 years you may find out you both spent a lifetime together always wishing you were apart.

dont know what to say to this but my gut feeling is no she did not /is not getting it some where else .. maybe im in denial but she would have to get out of town to do it cause believe me no one who knows me would screw my wife and when she does go to the city its with my sisters , i have never had any suspicion but who knows she could be the town bloody bike and i m none the wiser