mm just out of an affair

[Angel1111]

There is a spirit of condemnation on this board, so please, do not let it get to you. Try to stay focused...if God be for you, who then can be against you?

 

There is so much judgement in this thread that the entire point has been lost. It gets so old and tiresome.

[spice4life]

Hey Tiger - I somehow missed this post. You sure do have a lot going on in your life.

 

A couple of things. Bulletin Boards like these are not for the faint hearted. I come here when I want a dose of middle-class slap on the head conservatism. What I mean by that, is this place is a good benchmark in "generally acceptable moral behaviour". It's good for me and it makes me reflect on my behaviours and really test my values. I don't agree with all the advice and some of it is straight out of the 1950s and is in my view a bit naive for 2010 western cultural mores. But it is true, that the things that sting the most, are the ones we need to reflect on the most!!

 

Other POsters come with an agenda. No one's here because their life is perfect. Almost without exception, the people who come here have a personal interest in infidelity because they've been involved in it in some way. We all read posts from our own perspective and comment in that way.

 

My friend, it sounds like you've been through some extreme experiences and you shouldn't underestimate the effect those experiences have had on you. I know you're a big brave man, but you would really benefit with some professional help just to facilitate you working through your war experiences and how that has impacted on your personal and intimate life. Perhaps you could talk to the defence officials and see if there are services available for returned servicemen? They will be used to dealing with situations like yours and it might really help you get some perspective.

 

Finally, there are other bulletin boards around, including those dedicated to people who's marriages are on the rocks and they want to learn how to turn them around and save them. There are a lot of good books on the market too. There's lots of things you can do to get through this.

 

You might decide that you want to leave your marriage and potentially pursue your lover?

 

You might decide you want to work with your wife to rebuild your marriage

 

You might decide that you need some time to just get your head straight so forget all these ow/wife issues, you get into individual counselling and you deal with yourself until you get to a point where you know what you want.

 

What strikes me most about you though is that you are going through a really tough life transition. You've seen some things and learned some things about yourself that others never have to contemplate. That impacts on every other aspect of your life. You weren't getting comfort in your marriage so you found it in your affair partner.

 

Thing is, if you do the work, you'll be able to find that comfort in yourself and then you'll be able to make rational decisions about the partner you want to share your life with.

 

Blessings

 

Excellent excellent post kismetly! Especially the part about "that which stings the most is what needs to be looked at." Great stuff.

 

Welcome back tiger1970. So the forum didn't scare you away after all. That's good. Just remember, when you are posting to take the advice that rings most true to you. And is fine to feel angry, as a matter of fact, it means that you are starting to look at the reality of your situation. Don't take things posted here too personal. While it can be harsh at times, it also forces you to look at what is best for you and everyone involved. It also helps you discover what is true to you. I wish you luck on this journey and hope you find the answers you're looking for.

 

PS - the something smells comments were about trolls. Trolls are people who come into a forum and post false stories to rattle peoples cages. I'm glad you came back and put this theory to rest - you're obviously not one!

[pureinheart]

Perhaps what is perceived as a spirit of condemnation is actually the discipline Tiger needs at this time. Yes, some posts have been harsh, but by and large, everyone is giving him good advice. Maybe not the advice he wants to hear, but I think nearly everyone here is trying to give him some things to think about before he makes a major life decision. Even God practices tough love at times.

 

And remember that the wife, kids and OW are also children of God and He/She is also looking out for their best interests. This situation ain't all about Tiger.

 

Hi Carrot,

 

Yes, although we are talking to Tiger right now, Tiger posted and is trying to work something out in his heart. Tiger has communicated a disinterest in the pot shots, although has been receiving "constructive" advice.

 

God does disipline, although it is up to Him to administer that, and yes He does use humans at times...we just have to be darn sure that He is the one in the drivers seat and not another playing God...I see that a lot on these boards.

 

There is so much judgement in this thread that the entire point has been lost. It gets so old and tiresome.

 

Ya I know Angel, and it is sad....

[whichwayisup]

m also not scared of being on my own but i am fearful of telling wife everything ... if that has to be done i wont back dowm but does nt mean looking forward to it ... it will crush her

 

Yes it will. But, one good thing that 'can' come out of it, that is, if you want it to, once you confess to her, let her in on what you've been feeling, what you've done is, she may react in such a way that it just might wake up feelings inside of you, feelings that were buried and forgotten about, emotions and intimacy that you thought were gone for her, will come rushing back. Some people who cheat say (that I've read on LS) they didn't realize how much their BS's actually DO love them as they felt neglected etc.. You may want to try to save the marriage. But if you don't, just don't give your wife any hope for fixing the marriage if she wants to work it out.

 

Anyway, focus on finding a good counsellor to help you sort this out.

[September]

are you still with the om ?

 

No, I am not. We were both married, he was caught and he chose to leave. He got his own place and then out of the blue he went back home six weeks later.

 

He felt the same way you did about your OW but when reality hit, he couldn't face the turmoil.

 

I kept my end of the bargain and left to be with him. Unfortunately, it didn't turn out the way I expected.

[whichwayisup]

There is so much judgement in this thread that the entire point has been lost. It gets so old and tiresome.

 

And continually pointing it out isn't helping either. Sure there are afew, but MOST haven't.

 

Let's just focus on the OP and not others. It's not helping this guy with his situation at all.

[Dexter Morgan]

Tigers, I'm not a bs or an om, but I do have an interest in seeing men get their sh*t together.

 

And, at the risk of repeating anything that's already been said (I only read the first and last pages), you're not going to get your sh*t together until you do three things:

 

1) Decide what your goal is. What is it you want? OW? Your marriage? Neither? Both? (Best of luck on that last goal)

 

2) Come up with a plan to get you to your goal.

 

3) Follow a course of action implementing your plan.

 

I agree...and do this all QUICKLY, because your wife need not have any more of her short time on this planet wasted.

[worlybear]

if the person cheating wants to save the marriage , should they still admit the affair

Good God! Whatever happened to honesty? How can you not tell her of the affair and expect to improve your existing relationship? Its like having an unacknowledged elephant in the room with the pair of you!

[worlybear]

nothing nice about her if she is screwing someone else.

 

 

 

I don't think you will fall for wife all over again. she isn't new to you. the thrill of the conquest is not there. If you had spent any amount of time with the OW if you ever got a divorce, you'd be looking to better deal her in the future too once you got to bored with monogamy.

 

I say spare your wife and get a divorce. She deserves better and she could be using what is left of her short time on this planet looking for someone that won't treat her the way you have.

Slight tj here. Dexter are you male, free and single? I love your responses on LS. They're so spot on and politically incorrect- they're wonderful!

[worlybear]

met wife 20 years ago and was never un faithful til this ... im am not a serial offender and want to be a one woman man so back off with the judgements

But you've been cheating on two women and your kids-after 20 years. That absolutely sucks!

Stop fooling yourself -cheating after 20 years makes it worse and last time I looked you can't be a one woman man with two women! Get real!

[tigers1970]

Slight tj here. Dexter are you male, free and single? I love your responses on LS. They're so spot on and politically incorrect- they're wonderful!

he actually got this one wrong ... i was referring to my wife in the post about she being nice person ... tho doubt dexter makes many mistakes

[Dexter Morgan]

Slight tj here. Dexter are you male, free and single? I love your responses on LS. They're so spot on and politically incorrect- they're wonderful!

 

male, not married, but not single either.

 

and being a conservative, being politically incorrect(which is actually correct), that is a huge compliment.

[Dexter Morgan]

he actually got this one wrong ... i was referring to my wife in the post about she being nice person ... tho doubt dexter makes many mistakes

 

everyone make true mistakes....having an affair and screwing someone other than your wife is not a mistake.

 

and when it comes to cheating, sleeping with someone's spouse/girlfriend...those are things I have never done, and never will. So if you could consider those mistakes, which you can't, then with those particular situations, no, I have never made those "mistakes".

[tigers1970]

everyone make true mistakes....having an affair and screwing someone other than your wife is not a mistake.

 

and when it comes to cheating, sleeping with someone's spouse/girlfriend...those are things I have never done, and never will. So if you could consider those mistakes, which you can't, then with those particular situations, no, I have never made those "mistakes".

so what brings you to this forum if that ok to ask?

[worlybear]

male, not married, but not single either.

 

and being a conservative, being politically incorrect(which is actually correct), that is a huge compliment.

Partner's a lucky person! (sigh).

Keep posting, it's very informative and I am pleased to find that honesty and integrity are still valued by some!

(End of tj.)

[tigers1970]

Excellent excellent post kismetly! Especially the part about "that which stings the most is what needs to be looked at." Great stuff.

 

Welcome back tiger1970. So the forum didn't scare you away after all. That's good. Just remember, when you are posting to take the advice that rings most true to you. And is fine to feel angry, as a matter of fact, it means that you are starting to look at the reality of your situation. Don't take things posted here too personal. While it can be harsh at times, it also forces you to look at what is best for you and everyone involved. It also helps you discover what is true to you. I wish you luck on this journey and hope you find the answers you're looking for.

 

PS - the something smells comments were about trolls. Trolls are people who come into a forum and post false stories to rattle peoples cages. I'm glad you came back and put this theory to rest - you're obviously not one!

thanks .. i dont scare that easily but this whole episode has ... certainly not a troll tho

[spice4life]

thanks .. i dont scare that easily but this whole episode has ... certainly not a troll tho

 

I know what you mean. I was absolutely terrified to post here! Never posted my story though. I just jumped in (after lurking for a looong while...lol) and started to provide some insights to others about what I have learned along the way. Well, try to anyway. I can honestly say that coming here helped find out a few more things about myself if that helps any.

 

Don't let it scare you too much. Use it to help you find the right answers for you. Posting here and being honest shows you DO have courage.

Edited December 7, 2010 by spice4life

[whichwayisup]

thanks .. i dont scare that easily but this whole episode has ... certainly not a troll tho

 

You mean the snider remarks, or overall, the advice and what's been said?

 

If anything, and i mean this in a respectful way, not meant to be taken cruely, but if I were you, I'd be more scared of what my wife, kids, family, friends, inlaws, would be thinking rather than strangers on an internet forum.

[Carrot2000]

You mean the snider remarks, or overall, the advice and what's been said?

 

If anything, and i mean this in a respectful way, not meant to be taken cruely, but if I were you, I'd be more scared of what my wife, kids, family, friends, inlaws, would be thinking rather than strangers on an internet forum.

 

 

I think he means he's afraid of the fallout from this situation, not the remarks on this board. LS, he can handle; breaking his wife's heart, not so much.

[pureinheart]

I know what you mean. I was absolutely terrified to post here! Never posted my story though. I just jumped in (after lurking for a looong while...lol) and started to provide some insights to others about what I have learned along the way. Well, try to anyway. I can honestly say that coming here helped find out a few more things about myself if that helps any.

 

Don't let it scare you too much. Use it to help you find the right answers for you. Posting here and being honest shows you DO have courage.

 

I agree with Spice, eat the chicken and spit out the bones. I have to say Spice, I am so sorry you have not been able to communicate your entire story freely, another poster (in this thread I think) said the same thing. There were times I hid in the threads also (the really long ones) to say what was needed, and still do that.

 

Tiger, please keep focused on the ultimate goal to sort out those things in your heart and mind that might seem is disarray right now.

 

You have experienced many loses I would assume, many traumas. Everyone involved has been through a great deal and am assuming that too.

 

I rarely ever say this, although in your case I sense that it is needed based on a few things I've observed concerning your inner turmoil.

 

Thank you Tiger for having the courage to post here. Even though it is an anonymous board, we are real people on these PCs, and some of the comments do hurt and some uncalled for....although I think you should sit down with your wife and either tell her about the A or tell her what is going on with the marriage, meaning that something in it isn't working for you right now.

 

I bet you feel all alone at times, feeling like the entire world is on your shoulders, and at one time I bet that was the truth literally...

[Pokemon]

ow is gone for now guys ... im sure that now ... like i said already if im divorced , free and single in 3 months time im not convinced she ll want to get back with me

 

OMG you said this, like, 3 times. If that's the way you really feel, then why even bother asking for advice?

 

Jump back into your marriage, DO NOT confess about the affair, try to "fall in love" with your wife again *rolls eyes*. You will probably be miserable, but hey, this IS life. You had an opportunity to leave but you missed it.

 

You're upset that you lost your OW, we get it. But it's just a freaking break up, deal with it!!!

 

Come here, cry your guts out, but just keep in mind that she's gone and that is that. Let time heal your wounds. Your marriage may or may not work out in the future, but who cares? OW is gone anyway.

[Pokemon]

OK, I just finished reading all the threads. Sorry if I sounded harsh in the earlier post.

 

I still maintain that your OW is gone already. You should just ignore any thoughts of her and focus on what is at hand, your MARRIAGE. Your marriage is in trouble and you know it. Even if you get over OW in time, you'll still have a crappy marriage. Fall in love with your wife all over again? Please, GET REAL.

 

Now, the real problem here is to work on your marriage.

 

I'm the sort of woman who believes that ignorance is bliss. I would rather my husband NOT tell me about the affair. If you confessed about the affair, you will have a whole string of other issues not related to the problem in your marriage to deal with, such as trust, deception (on your part), her self-esteem, her opinion of you, etc etc.

 

I think you should instead, FOCUS on asking yourself (and her) the problem to your marriage. Use a counselor. Tell your wife you're having trouble validating your marriage, and you want help. Ask yourself honestly, what is it you need from your wife to make the marriage function. Is it the lack of excitement? Maybe you can start planning surprises / take trips / buy gifts. Is it the sex? Tell her the TRUTH. Work on it. You married her, you kind of owe it to her buddy.

 

After all that, if it fails and you're still looking outside your marriage, then you KNOW it's time to leave. As difficult as it is, leaving your wife THEN will be the best gift you could ever present to her. Freedom to find someone else she could love and share life with. To let somebody go instead of wasting her time, to me, is real love. Because it means you put her interests before yours.

 

THAT, will be doing the right thing. And come on, girls are a dime a dozen. You can always find a new girl if OW isn't waiting there to scoop you back up.

 

So quit flip-flopping and sitting in the middle now. Let opportunity pass you by and you will be MORE miserable 10 years from now. Life is short, take your happiness into your own hands already.

[Spark1111]

just seemed to me that you ve experienced it from the bs stand point,,, was i out of line to ask?

 

fBS here Tigers.....

 

I think you need to separate and clear your head of your confusion.

 

Maybe your OW will return if she sees action on your part to make her your primary relationship. Maybe not, but at this point what do you have left to lose?

 

You would gain tremendous integrity by telling your wife the truth of the situation. You could honestly admit you have developed feelings for another and need to explore them.

 

Offer to go to IC and MC with her to see if there is a marriage worth saving. If not, MC will help you and she move towards a more amicable divorce, which can only help your children ease into the situation. So throw some family counseling into the mix too.

 

This IS the right thing to do. This plan has integrity and respect for all built into it.

 

There is nothing more condescending and disrespectful than a cheating spouse, who by the way, still pines for his OW, claiming that keeping the truth from his BS is an attempt to NOW spare her pain.

 

If you truly respect your spouse, even if you do not love her as much as your OW, then allow her all the information she deserves to make informed choices regarding her future.

 

That is what adults do. They tell the truth and own up to their actions/and or mistakes.

 

As for sparing her pain now, it is too late. She senses you have fallen out of love with her, but agonizes as to why, and may be blaming herself for your emotional distancing.

 

Spare her second-guessing herself with some old-fashoined, true grit, honesty.

[greengoddess]

That's just flat out nasty...

 

No what's nasty is trying to dupe people to push an agenda especially when there are a lot of posters trying to offer some heartfelt genuine advice and using a veteran status sickens me.

 

Kind of backfired though because no one is fighting for the marriage. They all want him to leave so now what? Oh yea accuse posters giving genuine advice of bashing and being harsh when they are offering their honest opinion.

[bentnotbroken]

 

Now, the real problem here is to work on your marriage.

 

I'm the sort of woman who believes that ignorance is bliss. I would rather my husband NOT tell me about the affair. If you confessed about the affair, you will have a whole string of other issues not related to the problem in your marriage to deal with, such as trust, deception (on your part), her self-esteem, her opinion of you, etc etc.

 

 

This is joke right. Why shouldn't he deal with the crap he put out there. This is only advising him to cover his own azz. You are in the minority about ignorance being bliss. No one wants to be in the dark about having cancer. They want to know so they can find the treatment that bests works for them and fight for their lives. HE is a CANCER to his wife's life. And you advised him to keep killing her...brilliant. All the things you listed he would have to deal with are valid and important to another human being. He f-up because of all the things you listed while dealing with himself...how did that work out for the wife?

 

I think you should instead, FOCUS on asking yourself (and her) the problem to your marriage. Use a counselor. Tell your wife you're having trouble validating your marriage, and you want help. Ask yourself honestly, what is it you need from your wife to make the marriage function. Is it the lack of excitement? Maybe you can start planning surprises / take trips / buy gifts. Is it the sex? Tell her the TRUTH. Work on it. You married her, you kind of owe it to her buddy.

 

What about what his wife needs for her marriage to work from him. Marriage isn't one sided. There was a reason he didn't insist on seeking help and insisting his wife and he behave as a married couple. That dude is jacked emotionally and it isn't all his fault(his job) or his wife's. You make it sound like the marriage is all about him. Hasn't that been the stance he has taken all along and what a nice little tidy mess he has to show for it.

 

 

After all that, if it fails and you're still looking outside your marriage, then you KNOW it's time to leave. As difficult as it is, leaving your wife THEN will be the best gift you could ever present to her. Freedom to find someone else she could love and share life with. To let somebody go instead of wasting her time, to me, is real love. Because it means you put her interests before yours.

 

But please don't put her interest before your own until you have made her doubt herself by laying out list of crap YOU need to reinvest in a marriage that you stepped outside of an invited someone else to participate in.

And how many more years do you suggest he wastes of his wife's life while he does the introspection? How many years did Elizabeth Edwards waste on that piece of work she was married to? Instead of dying a peaceful death she died up to her neck in his crap.

THAT, will be doing the right thing. And come on, girls are a dime a dozen. You can always find a new girl if OW isn't waiting there to scoop you back up.

 

So quit flip-flopping and sitting in the middle now. Let opportunity pass you by and you will be MORE miserable 10 years from now. Life is short, take your happiness into your own hands already

 

This is the most sensible thing written...leave....NOW! Give your wife her life back.