mm just out of an affair

[whichwayisup]

That's the make up of affairs. No everyday stuff to get in the way. No kids, no bills, no relatives, no laundry, just all out wanting of one another especially when you spend so few moments together. Everything is magnified.

 

Aka the affair fog. Basing what you feel for your Ow, in an affair setting where everything is good, no outside forces thrown against you and her, no family, kids, life .. Stuff that you are dealing with at home, a marriage, wife, kids, house, expenses, inlaws, your parents, the works..

 

 

i wanted to leave to be with her i think now ... she made me feel like the most desirable man in the world ... that hard to give up

 

Is that love, though? I'm sure it's hard to give up, affairs and those intense feelings are addictive! And that is why you need to get some counseling in to help you with your decision.

 

Your kids count. Throwing away your life as you know it for someone who makes you feel good and desirable? take a step back and really think about it..

[whichwayisup]

i am reasonably happy in my own skin ... sure i have issues ,, most of which were drilled out of me .... this woman is like no other i ve ever met ... was instantly drawn to her and not just sexually ... she did make me feel so good .. she is courageous and daring/independent .. she is confident and strong ... my type ... she has similiar interests and tastes ,,, no other woman ever responded to me like she did ... i liked being dominant and vunerable with her as did she ... and need i say it but we had mind blowing sex that i def never experienced before .. she is like a drug to me ... i am addicted to her in a way but feel strong love too

 

Anybody who's had an affair share those exact same feelings.. So, when the honeymoon phase is over, that sex and lust slow down, life happens, what you're left with? A woman who isn't your wife, a woman who doesn't "know" you, a woman who isn't the mother of your kids.

 

The Fog. Read up on it.

[tigers1970]

PiH, I know I don't always share your opinion, but I think you are one of the most compassionate people on these boards and you so often make me think twice.

so much goes on too in armed forces that public never see s or hears about and i cant say either .. but suffice to say the suffering i have seen will haunt me forever ... by all involved ... our guys , enemy and civilian .......

[pureinheart]

PiH, I know I don't always share your opinion, but I think you are one of the most compassionate people on these boards and you so often make me think twice.

 

Oh HH, thank you, that is so thoughtful...here go the waterworks...lol....

[tigers1970]

Anybody who's had an affair share those exact same feelings.. So, when the honeymoon phase is over, that sex and lust slow down, life happens, what you're left with? A woman who isn't your wife, a woman who doesn't "know" you, a woman who isn't the mother of your kids.

 

The Fog. Read up on it.

and i wonder all the time now what she getting up to without me

[Owl]

so much goes on too in armed forces that public never see s or hears about and i cant say either .. but suffice to say the suffering i have seen will haunt me forever ... by all involved ... our guys , enemy and civilian .......

 

I'm also ex-Army.

 

This is something I completely and totally understand.

 

Part of what you need to do is to learn how to cope with all of this.

 

And also recognize it's relevence (or lack thereof) to what's in front of you today.

 

What you're dealing with right now, when it comes to your marriage and your affair...has nothing to do with what you went through then.

 

Point blank...you need to stop, and re-focus. Right now, all you've got on your plate is dealing with your affair and your marriage.

 

That's where your focus needs to be.

 

And, just like you learned in the military, you need to apply the EXACT same steps you used to accomplish the mission then to accomplish the mission now.

 

1. Pick a goal.

2. Identify the obstacles and route you need to take to get there.

3. Develop a plan to reach your goal.

4. Implement your plan.

5. Modify your plan as needed...but remain focused on accomplishing your goal.

 

This is why I keep asking you...which have you chosen...wife or OW?

 

You can only pick one...and you can't move towards either until you've made that choice.

 

Once you've made the choice...then develop and implement your plan to get there.

[tigers1970]

I'm also ex-Army.

 

This is something I completely and totally understand.

 

Part of what you need to do is to learn how to cope with all of this.

 

And also recognize it's relevence (or lack thereof) to what's in front of you today.

 

What you're dealing with right now, when it comes to your marriage and your affair...has nothing to do with what you went through then.

 

Point blank...you need to stop, and re-focus. Right now, all you've got on your plate is dealing with your affair and your marriage.

 

That's where your focus needs to be.

 

And, just like you learned in the military, you need to apply the EXACT same steps you used to accomplish the mission then to accomplish the mission now.

 

1. Pick a goal.

2. Identify the obstacles and route you need to take to get there.

3. Develop a plan to reach your goal.

4. Implement your plan.

5. Modify your plan as needed...but remain focused on accomplishing your goal.

 

This is why I keep asking you...which have you chosen...wife or OW?

 

You can only pick one...and you can't move towards either until you've made that choice.

 

Once you've made the choice...then develop and implement your plan to get there.

i believe its wife or being single ,,, ow is gone i think now ,,, if i leave home next month i dont think ow will take me on just like that

[Owl]

i believe its wife or being single ,,, ow is gone i think now ,,, if i leave home next month i dont think ow will take me on just like that

 

OK...that's your starting point.

 

So with that as your stated goal...what do you need to do in order to reach that goal?

 

1. Investigate and learn the state laws pertinent to you for divorce, child support, etc...

 

2. Inform your wife that you want a divorce and aren't willing to "work on it" any longer. Develop a loving way to let your children know...and make it clear to them that you still love them.

 

3. Seperate from your wife. This means finding a new place, seperating finances, and moving.

 

4. Develop a child care plan.

 

5. Engage attorney's and/or follow the needed steps for divorce in your state.

 

There are of course tons of little details around all of these. But it's a baseline to start from...so now you need to start assigning timelines for completion, and work through the detailed steps for each event.

 

See...it's progress already. Now you just need to work out the details and begin implementing your plan to reach your goal.

[whichwayisup]

i believe its wife or being single ,,, ow is gone i think now ,,, if i leave home next month i dont think ow will take me on just like that

 

Nor SHOULD your OW take you in a month. That isn't fair to her, to you, to your kids, even to your ex-wife (if you leave).. Time alone has to happen, deal with all the changes, helping your kids adjust, grieving your marriage, the life you once had. That doesn't just happen overnight and to even consider jumping ship and running straight to the OW just shows where your mind is and how unhealthy that relationship would be, filled with trust issues, as well as UNgrieved emotions from your family splitting up.

 

So, atleast you're somewhere. Wife or be alone/single. Again, Do counselling to help you, but I also think you have to talk to your wife. I mean if she put in the effort and you two worked together to get that love and passion back, wouldn't you fall for her all over again? Or is that love gone forever, what you feel for your wife?

[worlybear]

No, you f*cking get back into the game with your family! You go to counseling, slowly! You get "tools" to help "fix" things, either way. YOU EFFIN TRY!

 

You OWE them that. You owe yourself that. YOU DONT OWE YOURSELF SOME FRESH SNATCH...

 

......Or you could totally dis-regard all the hurt you have caused/are causing your family,and walk away.

The downside to this is your wife and kids will lose all respect for you and probably never speak to you again- but that probably won't worry you over-much as you obviously haven't considered them for a long time.

 

But hey- the sex was probably worth the annihilation of your family.

SPEAK TO YOUR WIFE AND FAMILY AND SEE A COUNSELLOR .

Your marriage and family life may well be over but at least let your wife have the courtesy of knowing it.

[tigers1970]

Nor SHOULD your OW take you in a month. That isn't fair to her, to you, to your kids, even to your ex-wife (if you leave).. Time alone has to happen, deal with all the changes, helping your kids adjust, grieving your marriage, the life you once had. That doesn't just happen overnight and to even consider jumping ship and running straight to the OW just shows where your mind is and how unhealthy that relationship would be, filled with trust issues, as well as UNgrieved emotions from your family splitting up.

 

So, atleast you're somewhere. Wife or be alone/single. Again, Do counselling to help you, but I also think you have to talk to your wife. I mean if she put in the effort and you two worked together to get that love and passion back, wouldn't you fall for her all over again? Or is that love gone forever, what you feel for your wife?

i still care for her and i dont want to destroy her... she is still very attractive woman and a nice person .. how woulld i get ow out of my mind to fall for wife allover again ?? seems impossible task at the min ... mind is consumed with ow at the min .. i miss her a lot ... i could not be intimate with anyone now at this min ...or anything else we used to do .... i curse my weakness for her now actually

[IfWishesWereHorses]

She will be still be there if you act quickly and leave your family for yourself. Then you won't have to grieve anyone. It would be impossible to rebuild anything with your wife while you are in love with another person.

[tigers1970]

She will be still be there if you act quickly and leave your family for yourself. Then you won't have to grieve anyone. It would be impossible to rebuild anything with your wife while you are in love with another person.

ow did say leaving that if it is for real then it will survive a year or two apart while i sort my stuff out

[worlybear]

ow did say leaving that if it is for real then it will survive a year or two apart while i sort my stuff out

 

And you belived that!!

[tigers1970]

And you belived that!!

i wanted to

[herenow]

ow did say leaving that if it is for real then it will survive a year or two apart while i sort my stuff out

 

And what would be wrong with spending some time sorting your stuff out?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

ow did say leaving that if it is for real then it will survive a year or two apart while i sort my stuff out

 

I'm sure she had no reason to lie to you. After all she wants you for herself but honestly. The worst thing you could ever do would be to ask your wife to work on a marriage that you know doesn't have a snowballs chance in he'll due to your attachment to another person. THAT to me would be the most dishonorable thing you could do. You have important information that maybe you don't feel you can share with her but you could at least use it to make decisions which are on her best interest. None of you are getting any younger.

[tigers1970]

And what would be wrong with spending some time sorting your stuff out?

nothing but she wont available by the time thats done will she.....un likely ... i suspect now she glad to be out of the affair , even tho i do believe she still loves me and misses me , she will move on and not look back

[half_ofa_heart]

nothing but she wont available by the time thats done will she.....un likely ... i suspect now she glad to be out of the affair , even tho i do believe she still loves me and misses me , she will move on and not look back

 

most likely she does love and miss you but she has decided to love HERSELF more. She needs to do what she has to do for herself and you need to do what's best for you and your children.

[herenow]

nothing but she wont available by the time thats done will she.....un likely ... i suspect now she glad to be out of the affair , even tho i do believe she still loves me and misses me , she will move on and not look back

 

So, what about giving your wife the chance to find a person who loves her like you love the OW? Isn't her true happiness worth something to you?

 

If the OW won't wait for you, then you will be free next time a woman comes along that makes you feel good. And, your wife will have the opportunity to do the same.

 

At least give your wife the choice to stay with or leave a man who loves an OW. That is the honorable thing to do as others have already said.

[Dexter Morgan]

tell ya would nt turn my back on some of them here:D the lions den

 

well look what happened to your wife. she can't turn her back on you obviously.

[Dexter Morgan]

i still care for her and i dont want to destroy her... she is still very attractive woman and a nice person

 

nothing nice about her if she is screwing someone elses husband.

 

 

.. how woulld i get ow out of my mind to fall for wife allover again ?? seems impossible task at the min

 

I don't think you will fall for wife all over again. she isn't new to you. the thrill of the conquest is not there. If you had spent any amount of time with the OW if you ever got a divorce, you'd be looking to better deal her in the future too once you got to bored with monogamy.

 

I say spare your wife and get a divorce. She deserves better and she could be using what is left of her short time on this planet looking for someone that won't treat her the way you have.

[Dexter Morgan]

So, what about giving your wife the chance to find a person who loves her like you love the OW?

 

 

exactly. but something tells me his ego won't allow that to happen.

[tigers1970]

well look what happened to your wife. she can't turn her back on you obviously.

nice one dude , well done

[herenow]

nice one dude , well done

 

Why is the happiness of your wife a joke to you?