I'm lost and close to death

[hensley258]

It's been 3 months now since my wife of 10 years left in a flash with another man. One day it was "honey I love you" and the next day after she left all night she was cold and said she didn't love me and was leaving.

 

She is 36 and I am 41. It was like a switch fliped off in her brain and she will hear no talk of returning. I can't take this anymore. I love my wife so much, but she has ran to another Man. My gut feels like it's been cut open to the top of my chest. I can't stop crying and I feel so alone:(

 

No question it is over. She already wants to fill out the divorce papers. My pain is so great I will not survive this. Suicided has already become a real option in my head. Everytime I see her to get my daughter I get hit again and again with pain. I have lost 40 Lbs and 4 waist sizes and I was not a big guy to start with.

 

I go days without eating. How will I ever make it past losing her and watching my 9 year old daughter ask why Mommy can be here with me?

This is not something I can see any man surviving. Myself included.

[Surfer203]

STOP IT!!!! I am 1.5 months in after my wife left for NO REASON to another man. It gets better.. you need to knock this s*** off. If you are having suicidal thoughts get professional help right away. You need to speak to a mental health professional to sort things out. I went within a week of my situation happening. Talk to family and friends about your situation, let it all out. Don't hang on to it all alone you will go f****** crazy. Trust me and everyone on this board. You will survive and you have a child. This should now be #1 priority to you. You are her Dad, you owe her your life and efforts. Don't give it up all for a woman who didn't care enough about you to give you the consideration of trying to work on her feelings or communicating with you. You deserve better!!! Keep fighting the good fight.. talk to us here about your situation and we will get you through it. I owe a lot of my own progress to the fine people here. We all are in or have been in similar situations so we understand your feelings.. it feels awful, feels like you can't go on. But there is much more to life than your marriage!

[HopelessinDTW]

Do not let this whore ruin your life! Yes, this is not your wife anymore, she is not the loving wife and mother you knew a week ago. Please go get some help, get on meds, talk, talk, talk to anyone that is willing to listen. Take care of you and your kid...that's all that matters now. Show no emotion during interactions with you wife. The first month is the worst..then you get used to it and the pain starts easing. But this will be one of the toughest periods in your life...please keep on posting here. There are many here who have gone through exactly what you're experiancing....TAKE THE ADVICE you are being offered.

[You Go Girl]

Hensley,

 

I know it hurts. I know it is hard to remember to eat, and to desire to eat. I know.

But you can and will get past this. I know it is hard to believe that right now, but it will be easier to deal with.

Start with caring about you. If you lose too much weight, you won't be able to play with and pick up that daughter of yours. She needs to be able to be tickled or wrestle with her dad. Kids need that. YOU need that, that love and fun with your daughter.

You have other reasons to live too. Yourself. You may not care very much about yourself right now, and I understand that feeling. So it's time to start thinking of the positive things about yourself, and what you do like about yourself.

Are you honest? Loving? Compassionate? Funny? Put people at ease? I don't know you, but I bet there are things you like about yourself. Think of them.

Time to be your own best friend! It may be difficult to focus on yourself like that, but it's true. Take care of yourself the way you would take care of a friend or relative you cared for in your situation or other difficult time.

Take care of yourself like you would take care of your daughter if she were going through a difficult time.

Virtual hugs--we're here for you.

[Surrealist]

Hi mate

 

I understand we may have already met on another forum. You'd know by my user name. If I have the wrong person, apologies.

 

I just hope you find the help you need, and follow up on any good advice! I note you have a daughter, mate, do it for her! She needs you now and you are the pillar in her life while this terrible situation has come about. I think you can do it, so press on, and seek that help. Really hoping things work for you!

[northern_sky]

OP, your post nearly brought me to tears. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I wish I was there with you right now and could comfort you.

 

But please, please, do not take your life. If you can't do it for your own sake, at least do it for your daughter's. Imagine the lifelong misery she would endure if she lost her father in such a horrific way.

 

As others have, I urge you to seek professional help to deal with this grief if you have not already.

 

This community is also a great place to receive support.

 

I hope you post again.

[hensley258]

Do not let this whore ruin your life! Yes, this is not your wife anymore, she is not the loving wife and mother you knew a week ago. Please go get some help, get on meds, talk, talk, talk to anyone that is willing to listen. Take care of you and your kid...that's all that matters now. Show no emotion during interactions with you wife. The first month is the worst..then you get used to it and the pain starts easing. But this will be one of the toughest periods in your life...please keep on posting here. There are many here who have gone through exactly what you're experiancing....TAKE THE ADVICE you are being offered.

 

It been almost 3 months now and still hurts like hell. What you said about her no longer being the wife I knew is so true. I have never seen such a cold side of her. She has no remorse about what she's done, no pitty, no compassion, and she is like a blond robot when I am around her with no feeling at all.

 

How can she shut 10 years of a loving marriage down like that in her brain with no sign if missing me at all? How does a human being even do that?

She left everything. The dogs we love, the house we worked our ass off to build. Even most of the things in the house and doesn't care about them.

 

WTF has malfunctioned in her brain? Our daughter is a mess because of this and even that doesn't bother her. She just say's "she will be fine."

3 damn months and I still can't concentrate at work or home. My hands now shake all the time.

 

As for me... Where the hell am I going to find another love? I'm 41 years old and I live in Memphis. (Known as the worst city for single men next to Alaska) I am doomed to be alone the rest of my life.

[northern_sky]

It been almost 3 months now and still hurts like hell. What you said about her no longer being the wife I knew is so true. I have never seen such a cold side of her. She has no remorse about what she's done, no pitty, no compassion, and she is like a blond robot when I am around her with no feeling at all.

 

How can she shut 10 years of a loving marriage down like that in her brain with no sign if missing me at all? How does a human being even do that?

She left everything. The dogs we love, the house we worked our ass off to build. Even most of the things in the house and doesn't care about them.

 

WTF has malfunctioned in her brain? Our daughter is a mess because of this and even that doesn't bother her. She just say's "she will be fine."

3 damn months and I still can't concentrate at work or home. My hands now shake all the time.

 

As for me... Where the hell am I going to find another love? I'm 41 years old and I live in Memphis. (Known as the worst city for single men next to Alaska) I am doomed to be alone the rest of my life.

 

Aww.

 

I wish I could give you answers. The hard, cold truth is that ordinary people can be capable of really evil things. People you love and trust.

 

I know right now you are dying to figure this out and understand. But this search for answers will only set you back. I know, because I went through a a traumatic, inexplicable breakup eight months ago (though not nearly on the level of what you experienced), and my obsession with finding out delayed my healing. The only way I was able to move on was to cut contact with the ex. Eventually you stop caring about why.

 

Like you, I thought I would never get over this person. But I did. And you will to, IF you take care of yourself.

 

I also lost my appetite, but I forced myself to eat and eventually it came back.

 

I am so sorry for what you are going through, and I wish I could help in some way.

 

I just want to reiterate that you need to be there for your daughter at this time.

[northern_sky]

It been almost 3 months now and still hurts like hell. What you said about her no longer being the wife I knew is so true. I have never seen such a cold side of her. She has no remorse about what she's done, no pitty, no compassion, and she is like a blond robot when I am around her with no feeling at all.

 

How can she shut 10 years of a loving marriage down like that in her brain with no sign if missing me at all? How does a human being even do that?

She left everything. The dogs we love, the house we worked our ass off to build. Even most of the things in the house and doesn't care about them.

 

WTF has malfunctioned in her brain? Our daughter is a mess because of this and even that doesn't bother her. She just say's "she will be fine."

3 damn months and I still can't concentrate at work or home. My hands now shake all the time.

 

As for me... Where the hell am I going to find another love? I'm 41 years old and I live in Memphis. (Known as the worst city for single men next to Alaska) I am doomed to be alone the rest of my life.

 

Btw, if you need to vent your feelings spend some time on here as I suggested and read through the threads of others and what they have gone through.

 

Also, consider picking up some books about loss. This will make you feel less alone and also give you hope.

[northern_sky]

I've heard this book is really good. Might be worth taking a look:

 

http://www.amazon.com/Survive-Loss-Love-Peter-McWilliams/dp/0931580439

 

Here's what one reader review said:

 

Let's face it, abandonment hurts. There would be more charity in murder. But, if your heart has been broken, if you are the one who wanted the relationship to work, if you are the one left behind - this is the perfect book for you. Buy it.

In it you will find short, one page chapters chock full of important reminders, proverbs, advice and practical suggestions. Throughout the message is constant - let yourself hurt, take responsibility for your own pain and your own healing, you will survive, you will smile again, life really is worth living.

 

Accompanying every chapter is a short, one page, free verse poem. Nothing has ever helped me feel more than these did.

 

I read most of this book while sitting in a city park one sunny, Sunday afternoon. All around me were families playing with their children. Inside I was bleeding, and frequently crying. It took at least two more years to get over being dumped, but my healing started that day. Maybe your's will, too.

[SlevinKalebra]

As for me... Where the hell am I going to find another love? I'm 41 years old and I live in Memphis. (Known as the worst city for single men next to Alaska) I am doomed to be alone the rest of my life.

 

Your daughter. Right now this is the only place where you should find love. She is hurting maybe more than you are, you lost the woman that was the love of your life, she is in many ways losing the woman that helped raised her and was with her all the time. If she has lost everything that made you love her I'd imagine she's lost a lot of the loving feelings/actions towards your daughter as well. Children are a parent's life and we are theirs.

Focus all your energy into keeping her happy through this time when you are with her. When you are not with her focus on you, not another woman. Learn a new hobby, meet people with the same hobby. Nashville is the country music capital, pick up a guitar and a Ferd truck:D. Find something, anything, for you that has no ties what so ever to her.

Suicide is technically an option for everyone, IT IS NEVER THE RIGHT OPTION. If you drink stop, this is gas to a powder keg.

No one here knows you, but we care about you. Absolute strangers that are honestly concerned for you. People that do know would feel a thousand fold more concern. Please find a support group, couseling is best, but there is always friends, family, church, coworkers.

 

Your wife has already taken so much away from your daughter, DO NOT TAKE HER FATHER AWAY TOO.

She needs you

[fltc]

You WILL heal, you WILL recover, it will take time, a lot of time. Lean on your daughter for support and lean on everyone here, there's a whole lot of help here.

 

Don't hesitate to come here whenever you need someone to talk to.

 

Meanwhile, let her get her divorce, get a good lawyer to help you with the financial part of it and get it done, the sooner it's over (and it IS over) the sooner the recovery begins so don't delay.

Edited December 6, 2010 by fltc

[nsearch4u]

The exact same thing happened to me. I was married 17 years. We'd just had the best year yet since we'd been together. It was incredibly surreal.

We have 2 children. 9 and 13. My ex sat down and told them it was her decision to leave the marriage and that was that.

She wont say "i miss you" or anything else. Its all pretty cold although we do get along and can be really decent.

 

It helped me to know that the person i loved and was married to was gone and this person thats left isnt the beautiful bride i once had. Now, she's just someone who takes care of my kids when its her week (50/50)....

 

I also held on to the "everything happens for a reason" thinking.

 

I strongly believe that our life can be what we think it to be. What we focus on day in and day out will become what our life is....So, I focus on going forward, living well, and fulfilling dreams. It'll just be with someone else. I look forward to that as well. Its exciting to know theres someone else that i've yet to find.

 

Hang in there. It hurts. Just stay around support like this. Try to change your schedule a bit and do things a little differently. It'll help.

[karnak]

1 - You have a daughter. You, as a father, have a duty to protect and take care of her. Be a man and live to make her happy and see her grow to become the responsible, compassionate woman her mother is not.

 

2 - Your wife was probably never the woman you thought she was. At some point in her life she wanted to live the "wife-mother-housewife" dream. Now that the dream has been accomplished she has changed her priorities. She now wants to enjoy life without responsabilities.

I don't know your wife, but I've been on LS for 5 years now. I've read way too many histories like yours. Probably, as time passes, you'll begin to see that your wife was probably a selfish woman with an agenda. Her reaction to your daughter's inner turmoil seems to reveal that.

 

For the moment live for your daughter. To prove that there is real love in the world. And there is more to life than sexual gratification. Besides, something in your posts tells me that all was not perfectly well in your relationship. You probably felt something was awkward, but you didn't want to face it.

[Darren Steez]

My friend, you came to the right place because you will find people that will support you through this very difficult time. It is easy for us to say you will cope and things get easier, no pain is the same, I'm sure you love your wife very much and feel in a world of hurt. Your life is the most important thing here, this is a precious gift, you've been on this earth for 41 years, brought life to a beautiful child surely that is enough. Yes you've been betrayed and yes it's going to hurt every time you think of her with any man, but I guarantee you, as soon as you sign those papers and move on with your life, move on with protecting and raising your daughter, move on with finding yourself and finding someone else when you are ready, the fog of what ever fantasy she is living at the moment lift and she'll know what she lost you. It all starts with you, look after yourself and look after that little girl, suicide is no way of getting back at her or dealing with your pain. This is a community that will give you support whenever you need it at any time. Be strong and be brave and give life, give your daughter the support she needs because she doesnt understand what is happening and she will need you more than ever in the coming time. Good luck my friend, good luck.

[tojaz]

Well Im here to tell you that this place is full of survivors. Im one!, Close to two years now. It hurts, its senseless, and its just flat out wrong, the damage it causes can be great, some of the scars will last forever, but you can survive! If you want to.

 

It can start here. Like Surfer said, there are a lot of great people here, a small handful I would have to honestly say actually saved my life.

 

Theres no replacement for a good counselor in times like this as well, but there were many times that this place was the next best thing.

 

Lay your story out, read those of others here, you'll see your not alone, you'll see otherers where you have been and you'll hear from others that are where your heading, wherever that may be.

 

Theres a lot of people here much wiser then me, but I'm here every day and when I latch on to a thread I'm a real pain in the azz to get rid of.

 

The best advice I can give you is to know that where you see your wife, her face, her body, thats not who your dealing with. When someone makes the decision to walk away like this, they are very much a different person and need to be treated as such, as someone who is actively hurting you, not the person that you have loved and cherished for years. Its hard, but creating that seperation helps,allows you to retain the good memories and give you strength for what is to come.

 

Your not alone, Keep Posting.

TOJAZ

[Els]

I am so sorry to hear that. It pains me each time a good person gets hurt by relationships in this way. I just want to tell you we're all rooting for you, and to second this:

 

 

But please, please, do not take your life. If you can't do it for your own sake, at least do it for your daughter's. Imagine the lifelong misery she would endure if she lost her father in such a horrific way.

 

.

 

If you cannot live for yourself now, at least live for your pride and joy, your daughter. Live for her sake. You may not believe it, but in a year from now, life will be worth living again, your daughter will be one year older and will love you all the more for being strong enough to be there for her, and you will be glad you decided against suicide.

[HopelessinDTW]

It been almost 3 months now and still hurts like hell. What you said about her no longer being the wife I knew is so true. I have never seen such a cold side of her. She has no remorse about what she's done, no pitty, no compassion, and she is like a blond robot when I am around her with no feeling at all.

 

How can she shut 10 years of a loving marriage down like that in her brain with no sign if missing me at all? How does a human being even do that?

She left everything. The dogs we love, the house we worked our ass off to build. Even most of the things in the house and doesn't care about them.

 

WTF has malfunctioned in her brain? Our daughter is a mess because of this and even that doesn't bother her. She just say's "she will be fine."

3 damn months and I still can't concentrate at work or home. My hands now shake all the time.

 

As for me... Where the hell am I going to find another love? I'm 41 years old and I live in Memphis. (Known as the worst city for single men next to Alaska) I am doomed to be alone the rest of my life.

 

She's in a fog...her new relationship allows her mind to shut out any feelings of remorse, guilt, etc. In addition, it allows her to blame you for what is happening, and the OM is feeding this myth as well. I was just like you...I didn't eat much the first 2 months. I was also married for 9 years, I have two kids 5 and 3 y.o. I lost 30 lbs in that time period. I have been useless at work for the past 6 months, and somehow I still have a job. I didn't know if I could make it, I didn't know if I could be a single father to my kids, I didn't know how I was going to be able to get out of the hell I was living. BUT, everytime I looked into my kids' faces I got strength! I looked into their eyes, and saw me looking back at me. Everytime they cried, I cried inside. Everytime they would tell give me hug, kiss, a high five, a laugh, a "I love you"...I got strength....what was impossible was possible...what felt like an empty hole in my heart, became filled with the love of my kids...the pain of losing my marriage was being replaced by the quality time I was spenfing with my kids, and the love they were giving back to me.

[strength-abounds]

Damm Brother. I feel for you man. You need to snap the f***out of this trap though. You have a daughter that needs her daddy. Plain and simple. Too many kids are being abandoned these days, don't allow another one.

 

You need to seek help right f****** now. Suicide is not an option. Never let the choices made by another person dictate your choices. It is hard. We all know it is. BUT YOU WILL MAKE IT. I promise.

[YellowShark]

Hi hensley258,

 

I've been in your shoes too. After 7 years my EX just up and went off the reservation with a married man.. and even worse I caught them "doing it" late one night in our own home while my son and I were sleeping inside!!!

 

If that is not the very definition of cold-hearted I dunno what is.

 

So please take everyone's advice. See a Doctor, today, that's a priority.

 

I felt suicidal too when it initially happened to me, but I realized that is the cowards way out and would not fix anything. In fact it would only makes things 1000 times worse for my son and my entire family.

 

Your EX is now an "Enemy of the State" and should be regarded as such from now on. She is a traitor and her betrayal is unforgivable. Dust off your spine, stand up and be a man.

 

You're only 41 and jesus, that ain't old at all, plenty of hot single 40-something women out there for the picking EVEN in Memphis! Ok?

 

Best of luck and come to LoveShack to vent and heal, helped me a whole bunch!

[2.50 a gallon]

As my friend Tojaz says almost everybody on this board has survived something similar.

 

Cold - I can relate, my XW brought her OM over to our apartment complex that weekend to party with the next door neighbor (We shared a bedroom wall, and I got to hear her strip for the neighbor, the OM and associate OM's. My point being that while the details might be different the story is the same for most everybody on this board.

 

You will find another, maybe not this week or not this month, but it will happen, as for your age, you are still a youngster, I was 8 years older, when I finally found what I was looking for. And that was 15 years ago. Not only is she easy on the eyes, but the sweetest person I and anybody who knows her knows. And she is all mine.

 

And as a rule of thumb cheaters cheat down, and in most cases the one who gets dumped eventually connects with someone that out shines the Ex

 

For now concentrate on your daughter, give your all to her, she is probably hurting far worse than you can imagine. You are old enough to be able to make choices. She is too young and needs you to be strong and fight for her. So force yourself to eat, I was on the same diet. To get over it I taught myself how to cook some gourmet meals. They were far too good to set aside, also when I got back to dating they impressed the ladies.

 

I know the holidays are a extremely hard time, Mu Lovely GF lost her son to suicide on New Years Day, so I have walked that road

 

My second bit of acvice is to hive you daughter the best holiday you can. Decorate, hang lights, bake cut out cookies.

 

Most of all keep posting here.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I'm so sorry. You can find a lot of compassion, sympathy and hope here. Talk to those who have already reached out to you, who have been where you are today and have moved on to a better place.

 

Let YOUR DAUGHTER be your reason to take care of yourself, since you can't do it for you at this time.

 

Also, I believe that if you find a support group for divorce, the companionship of a group of people in real life can be a great help for you. It's really hard to get yourself to walk into a group, I know, especially when you are at the lowest point you can imagine ... but the fellowship there, even just as much as getting coffee with some people who really KNOW, can help you to survive this horrible part and get to the healing part, which really will come if you can hang in here.

[What_Next]

I cannot add anything that already hasn't been said except to say both welcome to LS and I wish you had no reason to be here. However, you do so use ANY and ALL resources you have available to you. Get IC, friends, family whatever. Above all else do not forget that 9 yr old innocent child in the mix. Your wife is a miserable excuse for a human being and a failure as a parent. Get angry! Stop feeling sorry for yourself and pull yourself up and find the strength to carry on without her.

[iheartboobs]

Man, **** that bitch.

 

I know how you feel. I was devastated when I lost my "perfect wife", the "love of my life" until I realized that the woman I was so bent out of shape about losing was a figment of my imagination. My wife was nowhere near perfect and, although I'm sure I did love her, I couldn't for the life of me tell you why. Your wife isn't perfect or even worthy of your love either. If she was, she wouldn't have treated you like she did.

 

Quit obsessing over that whore. Get out of the house. Hang out with your buddies. Go skiing or bungee jumping or shopping or to the movies or something to get out of the house and your mind off your wife. Work out. Work out until you can't think straight, until you throw up, until you forget what it is you're trying to forget.

 

Talk to someone; your friends, family, or a therapist. Talk until they can't stand you and then talk some more. It helps.

 

Don't lose heart. Memphis is only a bad place for a single man if you're like all the other single men. Make yourself better. Take classes, dancing lessons, get a gym membership, tan, whiten your teeth... whatever, as long as it makes you a better you. Remember, it might be hard for a single man to meet a single woman in Memphis, but do you have any idea how hard it is for a woman to meet a decent man anywhere? Go bitch and moan to them and see how much sympathy you get. Be a good, decent man and you'll find a good woman... you'll be smarter this time too. You won't be tricked by some whore into thinking she's a good woman like you were last time.

 

Good luck, man. I really do feel for you, but you can get through this if you really want to.

[skydiveaddict]

This is not something I can see any man surviving. Myself included.

 

 

You MUST hang on my friend. You will get through