I'm lost and close to death

[dickface]

Hey Im not in your situation or even close but I too have lost a girlfriend for over 10 years to another man. All I know is that I had to get over pinning for her and replaying everything in my head and just live for the moment. Not in the past or future. I also came to realize after long contemplation that we loved each other at one point and that can never be taken away. And A way I have sinced viewed my current condition since realizing that just because we have moved our seperate ways and I have NC her there really is only space between us. I dont think we are really seperated in a sense that we are all one. The only thing between us is space just like the space in our galaxy the more space I put between her and me the more I am stronger and the more New forms (people) can come in between. You see time can heal the wounds when the illusion of time becomes space. But really you can create the space by your actions and thoughts in the moment cause that is all we have.

[hensley258]

One person said since she came back that one night that I should try to work with her. I tell you I have tried since then. You don't understand how fast and hard her mind shifted the next day. It went beyond just ignoring me and tonight on the phone she said the most hurtful things to me. For what? I didn't cheat on her, I was the one working to formulate a plan with her to get the family back together.

 

You should see her. Everytime I pick my daughter up she is on the phone laughing and so care free. Like our marriage is a joke. It makes my blood boil. What really scares the **** out of me is all the men here that keep telling me it will get better, but they are saying like 2 years! Man I don't have two years to get over this ****. I can't take this feeling for 2 more weeks much less 2 years!

 

I am moving into a different emotion for her and that is hate. I have been if fist fights before with guys and never felt hate like this. It is pure dark hate that hurts to the core. She was such a bitch to me tonight on the phone and I did nothing to deserve it.

 

2 years.....I will never make it 2 years.

[delajoonal]

hensley...2 years sounded like a death sentence to me...

that was 2 years ago..

 

.still NC and moved on with my life..

 

don't get me wrong, i go thru bouts of major anger, resentment, etc...

 

as i am now, with the holidays..and i want to call and/or write to that wench my XH left me for...but i won't, and that is Y i still come to LS..u ALL keep me grounded and moving forward..not backward, even when i slip emotionally backward a bit...

 

but ya, 2 yrs has gone by...i am still here and u will be as well...

it is NOT easy..some days, even weeks go by without a thought of the XH...and some days and weeks r excrutiating, to be honest.

 

but u can do it...u have your daughter to keep u busy..as well as keeping yourself healthy and fit boht phsycially and emotionally, so u can take care of your daughter, she needs a strong parent in her life..and your it.

 

2 years ago, i was saying the same thing right here on LS...

yet, here i am 2 yrs later...to attest to the fact that i made it..and i am still keepin' on...so u can do it too..OK...u really can;)

[wicar1]

Again.. Wicar your post is so awesome! I want to cry at how awesome I found it!!!

LOL...thx..

[Steadfast]

You should see her. Everytime I pick my daughter up she is on the phone laughing and so care free. Like our marriage is a joke. It makes my blood boil. What really scares the **** out of me is all the men here that keep telling me it will get better, but they are saying like 2 years! Man I don't have two years to get over this ****. I can't take this feeling for 2 more weeks much less 2 years!

 

I am moving into a different emotion for her and that is hate. I have been if fist fights before with guys and never felt hate like this. It is pure dark hate that hurts to the core. She was such a bitch to me tonight on the phone and I did nothing to deserve it.

 

2 years.....I will never make it 2 years.

 

Yes you will. They will come one day at a time though, and tomorrow is promised to no one. This woman is not the center of your existence...no one is. Only you. No doubt to me now that you are (at least) slightly co-dependent. It happens. The harder you love, the more painful the fall. Posting here is good, but you need a circle of friends locally. Have any?

 

I forget who wrote this, but it needs to become your mantra Hensley:

 

"You can't stop her from destroying the marriage, but you can stop her from destroying the man."

 

There could be a million reasons why she's twisting the knife. Please, take my advice and limit your interaction with her. Please. When you must see her (but only because of the child) force a smile, strictly limit the conversation to the child only, then get out of there as fast as you can.

 

Fight the temptation to see her, spy on her or tell her off. She does not want to see you right now, she does not want to talk with you. Take yourself out of the situation of pain and reach the place where you feel the same. Find and use the 180 that is posted all over this forum. Live it.

 

The anger you are feeling is justified, but don't allow it to control you. Instead, use it to break free of this sick relationship. Demand better for yourself. All that is happening now is temporary anyway. You'll see.

 

Read these words:

 

THE KEY TO HEALING STARTS WITH LOVING YOURSELF.

 

Start today.

Edited December 21, 2010 by Steadfast

[hitbyatruck]

I am moving into a different emotion for her and that is hate. I have been if fist fights before with guys and never felt hate like this. It is pure dark hate that hurts to the core.

 

Hate is a tricky one. I've suffered it, mainly towards OM (he was a good friend) and less so to my ex (who was so much more than a good friend). Freud defined hate as "an ego state that wishes to destroy the source of its unhappiness." You hated those guys you were fighting with a. because you never loved them, and b. because the unhappiness they brought upon you was most likely recent and short lived. You don't hate your wife, you love her, but you hate what she did to you, and hate how those actions make you feel, and you hate how you don't understand why it happened to you, and hate how she's changed her tune. You can't destroy your wife but you can stop allowing yourself to be hurt by her actions & words.

 

If you feel anything like I did after my ex did pretty much the same thing, the hardest thing will be battling the feeling that your life is spiraling out of control. Your wife cannot control your emotions, only you can. Step back, sit down and take stock. I was running on adrenaline for months, stuck in an endless loop between fight or flight - fight to try to get my relationship back or fly away from it as far as I could. The love of my child has me still conflicted to this day in this respect but it gets clearer with the passing of time.

 

Your thoughts will be serious mostly for ages and you may over analyze things or try to answer questions that just cannot be answered - by you, your wife, the OM or anyone. If you find yourself getting to the point where you are either going to collapse, explode or do something you regret, then just take deep breath and try to get some time out in your head. My mind's default setting was just to think about, go over and analyze everything to do with my R, the affair and everything since. I would be awake late, get 3 hours sleep then wake up and start thinking about it again. It's hard to imagine right now, but there are other aspects to your life than your relationship with your wife. If you only focus on that then you will end up in the looney bin.

 

Importantly, if you feel that you can't control your anguish and anxiety and it is getting the better of you then please get to a doctor ASAP. There is no shame in being prescribed a mild tranqilizer or anti anxiety just to take the edge off while you need it so you can regroup your feelings. If you can manage it, I strongly recommend that you allot at least an hour or two every day where you are so busy - physically or mentally, that you don't have a second to think of your plight. If a thought slips in then push it out until you've finished your physical or mental workout. Reading, movies, video games, gym, running, cooking, bike riding, whatever is your thing - as long as it is healthy and positive.

 

Remember that you are not the only person who has been cheated on and left. Many cases are similar, some have slightly different details but the thing that differentiates them all is the personalities involved. And forget blame - it serves no genuine purpose.

 

Lastly, despite how sure of herself and happy your wife appears to be, she is probably very confused and unsure about a lot of things. She has most likely enjoyed the freedom and excitement of the affair and is having a hard time weighing this up against the security and comfort of the family unit. On top of this is the fear of returning to a relationship that contained elements that she ran from. As mentioned previously, to you these elements only came to light post breakup but she would have been mentally noting them down for longer than you would think. Just because us men deny or can't see that our relationships contain little timebombs doesn't mean they don't exist. You don't need her indecision so don't allow her to leave you in limbo. Walk back into your life. It gets better and it gets easier.

 

Again, take care. You can only come out of this a better man in every way, if maybe a little wary with potential future life partners.

[wicar1]

One person said since she came back that one night that I should try to work with her. I tell you I have tried since then. You don't understand how fast and hard her mind shifted the next day. It went beyond just ignoring me and tonight on the phone she said the most hurtful things to me. For what? I didn't cheat on her, I was the one working to formulate a plan with her to get the family back together.

 

You should see her. Everytime I pick my daughter up she is on the phone laughing and so care free. Like our marriage is a joke. It makes my blood boil. What really scares the **** out of me is all the men here that keep telling me it will get better, but they are saying like 2 years! Man I don't have two years to get over this ****. I can't take this feeling for 2 more weeks much less 2 years!

 

I am moving into a different emotion for her and that is hate. I have been if fist fights before with guys and never felt hate like this. It is pure dark hate that hurts to the core. She was such a bitch to me tonight on the phone and I did nothing to deserve it.

 

2 years.....I will never make it 2 years.

 

Hensley,

 

It's not the end of the world.

Again look at the brighter side. She left you when you are 41... and not 51....or 71..You are healthy, you are a good person and you can attract lotsa good women.Trust me you will find someone great and that time you would be glad your wife cheated on, so that you left her and found this great lady. This is what most BS felt.

 

Yes, for cheaters marriage is a joke and their BS is the biggest joke. What they dont realize is that themselves and their lives are the real joke. Pathetic !!! I mean what kinda memory would someone wanna have on their death bed? The amazing life they had with their husband/wives, kids or the time they spent in a motel f***** someother M/W. In a way I feel sorry for them, because their cheating is gonna haunt them in the late part of their lives.

 

2 years...assuming you meant that's the time which would take for you to move on.....

Actually it depends on the person and how much that person wants to be back on track. If you need 2 years then it's two years, if you need two months then it is two months. Find your happy place, I am sure you have one. At this point it is not about your W, it is about you and your daughter. Remove your wife from the picture. I know it is hard but you have to do it atleast for the sake of your daughter. Think about your daughter you will get the strength you need.

 

Do whatever is required to ease your pain... Use everything you got to come outa this... Every friend, every family member, finances... etc

 

Fight dude... you can do it...

Good luck !!!

[FreeNow]

What really scares the **** out of me is all the men here that keep telling me it will get better, but they are saying like 2 years! Man I don't have two years to get over this ****. I can't take this feeling for 2 more weeks much less 2 years!

 

It's not like 2 years go by and then all of a sudden it is okay. The process is gradual over time. You simply must, as others have posted, live moment by moment. The past can't be changed and the future is going to happen. Work on the present moment.

 

If one has a long walk ahead but continually focuses on the destination, the journey can be daunting. If that same person focuses on each step then they arrive at their destination sometimes before they realize it. This is one of those journeys. Don't look so far ahead that you become discouraged. Simply realize that you will arrive at your destination when you arrive and not before. The trip is much more tolerable in such a frame of mind.

 

I am moving into a different emotion for her and that is hate. I have been if fist fights before with guys and never felt hate like this. It is pure dark hate that hurts to the core. She was such a bitch to me tonight on the phone and I did nothing to deserve it.

 

Isn't that part of the stages of grief? This is a huge personal loss and you are experiencing anger; which is to be expected. You loved her very much and she hurt you deeply... you are feeling a lot of anger.

 

2 years.....I will never make it 2 years.

 

For your child's sake, you must. She needs a decent parent in her life and that's you! Think about what her sadness would be if she were to lose you. The pain you are experiencing might pale in comparison to the torment losing you would bring upon your child. It would remain with her the rest of her days. You don't want that for her, now do you?

 

Keep telling yourself you will make it and you most certainly will. Please get some help right away to keep yourself safe and to work through this loss... to grieve it properly and in a healthy manner. As posted before, I had to and it made all the difference for me.

[hensley258]

The worst part is I let that bitch move us to Memphis 5 years ago. My home is Michigan. I have 100 friends there, but I am 100% alone here in Memphis. I have no one near me.

 

Can't move or I lose my daughter. This house would never sell anyway. No one is even renting now. I'm stuck drifting in a huge ocean with just stick to keep me floating.

 

I'm trying to meet new friends, but It's been useless.

[IfiKnewThen]

hensley i feel for you. i really do.

 

its so frustrating to feel and be so out of control of your life as you knew it now.

 

youre stuck between wating to redfine yourself and wanting to go back. back to the good, easy natural..and sense of a safe feeling.

 

thats feels utterly lost to you now.

 

many will disagree with me, but i still say ...ducking....fight for her. NOT insanity....not with evil..............not with pride.........not freaky or scary. not totally wimpy either. its hard to be balanced when everything is out of control. but if somehow ( I think you need God for this) in a balanced healthy way. let her know you DO still over her and you want peace. this takes being able to say to yourself..(yeah you do have to be a saint).."ok she has b/f, but its ok...i love this woman and if i can get back to making her feel that way..feel valued..we can work on what bothers me too down the line. but now i have to show her i love her..win her heart back." this is NOT easy........but i have seen people do this. i knew someone who's husband left them and moved into the city. it took 3 years but she got her husband back. she had to change who she was..(believe it or not...yep) and it took patience. they are together now he never ended up divorcing her and trust me everyone thought he would. i know these stories are the exception now the rule. but it takes humility..even where there shouldnt be humility. thats all i am going to say. i am grieving now myself...very deeply. a dark abiss...but i know...............that there still can be hope with some things not all. it wasnt too long ago she was coming back to you. dont play games. no head trips. be a loving person..you then will NOT live in as much regret. thats all i have to offer.

[IfiKnewThen]

youre stuck between wating to redfine yourself and wanting to go back.

 

ug i hate typing. i meant to say youre stuck with the wanting to redfine yourself and get on with life and wanting to go back and fix it. anything to not feel chitty

[IfiKnewThen]

let her know you DO still over her and you want peace.

 

i meant let her know you do still love her and want peace.

 

i have to get out of here. i am grieving and have a disability and the combination is horrible. plus i could never type.

[plowguy1]

Ive been following this thread for a while, and Hensley, I feel for you brother. I'm 15 mos in. I so0metimes wish my ex was as evil or as crazy as yours so I could hate her and move on. I'm still hurting, but it is better. Reread steadfasts post #75 this really hit me, there is a lot of truth in it. Be strong brother you didn't deserve this and you're not alone. people DO survive this remember that

[IfiKnewThen]

plow i feel like you. when the person you loved was good its so much harder to rational why youre better off without them. and then you blame yourself.

 

so much easier if someone was bad.

[wicar1]

let her know you DO still over her and you want peace. this takes being able to say to yourself..(yeah you do have to be a saint).."ok she has b/f, but its ok...

Married people having bf/gf is ok???

 

i love this woman and if i can get back to making her feel that way..feel valued..we can work on what bothers me too down the line. but now i have to show her i love her..win her heart back." this is NOT easy......

You are joking right...???

A cheater is garbage. You dont win back garbage. You throw away garbage. His W is a bad wife and a bad mother. SHe cheats. Win her back???

[IfiKnewThen]

ok let me say this. 1st off...i thought they were separated. also...no its not ok...i do get that. but people make mistakes. i dont think it makes everyone garbage. or disposible. i dont know..but i still in my mind...see jesus saying he who hasnt sinned cast the first stone. so i revert back to those teachings in my mind. that there is hope for some people. people....all people make mistakes . some worse than others for sure. he loves her and if he were to go back to her it would take forgiveness. not everyone can do this. i get that too. but i was just saying...if he loves her enough...and if she can step back and see that..who knows.

[Too Much]

Ifiknew.. your repl;y makes sense provided there is REMORSE. If OP's W felt true remorse, he owes it to his child to try again. However, she is laughing at him. That's waht makes it different. The Bible does provide that adultery is grounds for divorce. To make it, it takes true remorse on the part of the cheater. Unfortunately, most cheaters are not remorseful, but only sorry they got caught. Can't live like that. Will drive yourself crazy trying.

[hensley258]

She is not remorsful at all. In fact she laughs at it. Yes we are 3 months seperated.

 

I can't do this anymore. I'm sitting here alone again tonight as I have no friends. I'm trying to wrap my daughters Xmas gifts and I keep ****ing them up. My heart is so broken and I can't stop crying to see the tape to even wrap.

 

This was a family thing my wife and I did together. I hate this christmas! I'm so alone and that ****ing tree keeps mocking me. I want to throw it out the damn window! Screw this paper and decorations I just want to die.

 

I love my wife so much and now shes gone and my family is busted apart. All I wanted was to stay married and be a good husband.

 

I hate this life and it's not even worth living.

[IfiKnewThen]

too much i couldnt agree with you more. i am very serious when i say that. remorse is key. (you can forgive or its easier to forgive) someone who wants to be forgiven or thought they did wrong. sometimes its takes us longer to develope. to see our own faults. to grow up. some people have been so desensitized with everything looking ok on TV. she sounded remorseful at one time with himn then ..snap..back to the drawing board. what caused that? what was the trigger? i am not saying he was the trigger either. but i would want to know if i was fighting for someone and get to the bottom of it. and if there were something i couldnt personally do about it i would try.

 

its true the bible says grounds for divorce is adultery. and its understanable why. the heartache it causes...how hard it is to trust ever again and dismiss it from ones mind.

 

but if someone becomes remorseful....because they believe it was wrong...and dont feel they were vulnerable or driven to it...(just saying extreme cases..whatever) then if you can forgive...a very special virture indeed, then healing can occur. there would have to be so many factors. hes saying he feels horrible without her...so i was just hoping...someone put more love into things and see if that helps the situation somehow. i would like to think that in most cases...love is the answer. yes it has to be 2 ways...but sometimes we have to bring it back. thats work.

 

but if you know you tried everything then walk away. shouting yelling screaming is not gonna do it. (not to say anyone is doing that at all) just another example.

 

but if one doesnt want to be forgiven and is sooo pompous to think they do NO wrong...of course its impossible. but maybe people can be delicately shown thru love where they have gone wrong. but i think it would have to be through love.

 

i just dont think everything is black and white about good and bad people. its circumstances...maturity....and timing......to everything there is a season and a time ......

 

someones gotta sow good seeds somewhere. and there is a time to stay and a time to walk away and a time for war and a time for peace. this seems like their1st separation unless i missed something . i am forgetful i have a disability and am grieving. its a bit much. so i thought ok try to fix it somehow..both of them. but i understand all other points too. just saying try a more loving..approach first if he wants to get her to think on things a bit. or get her back from that other guy.

[IfiKnewThen]

ok i was typing my post as you posted your post hensley. sorry you are going through all of this

 

 

did you say she laughed on the phone. maybe shes just trying to act happy ro make you mad. is she really laughing AT you?

 

i hope not. that would suck. this christmas is not the happiest here for all.

 

i know its frustrating. relationships are just supposed to flow and work.

 

nothing should be this much work. sighs...

 

sometimes we just stop being compatible. i wish i could save the world

starting with me ..yes...but everyone included. i hate that we all hurt. hugs

[delajoonal]

ok i was typing my post as you posted your post hensley. sorry you are going through all of this

 

 

did you say she laughed on the phone. maybe shes just trying to act happy ro make you mad. is she really laughing AT you?

 

i hope not. that would suck. this christmas is not the happiest here for all.

 

i know its frustrating. relationships are just supposed to flow and work.

 

nothing should be this much work. sighs...

 

sometimes we just stop being compatible. i wish i could save the world

starting with me ..yes...but everyone included. i hate that we all hurt. hugs

 

 

...nicely put...thank you ~IfiknewThen~ me too:o

[IfiKnewThen]

(((hugs))) dela

[2.50 a gallon]

To do such quick turn arounds suggests to me that she might have a mental condition. Bi-polar?

[Steadfast]

When my marriage exploded, I was blessed with a small, but strong circle of friends for support and comfort. I honestly do not know what I would have done without them. They didn't 'take my side' but advised me wisely.

 

Understanding your situation in Nashville, I would advise that you either seek a life coach (generally less than a full blown therapist) or contact a local non-denominational church and explain your situation. Don't put all of your eggs in one basket; you might have to speak to several different people or groups before finding the one the 'clicks' for you. I do know this; there are good people there, wise and loving, and willing to help. As a member of society and a father, your needs are important. You'll see.

 

But you must get the process started by reaching out. It's a small step that can lead to bigger, better things. There is no reason to face it alone.

 

In the meantime, post away. Take take to read and absorb the responses.

[IfiKnewThen]

steadfast i am so glad you addressed his lack of support issue.

 

that is key in healing. ppl need support. someone they can trust and turn too.

 

i too have -0- support. i mean -0-. that's why i have come here. and please forgive me when i say its great but not even. i need people i can really talk to in person..hear their voice.

 

and speaking of putting all our eggs in one basket....i did that with the person i loved for 10 years. he was my best friend. not even in childhood did i have a friend as nurturing warm understanding and consistant as him. when i love him...i feel i lost everything. this is someone elses thread. so thats all i will say. i feel so alone...in the darkest abiss.

 

its horrible to be alone with no one to talk to. even a priest ..whatever cant take his place nor will they understand me. i have no friends i am in close contact with because i have been suffering with a disability for years thats kinda makes one more isolated. ..anyway hensley...i am glad steadfast addressed that very real situation of feeling isolated.