I'm lost and close to death

[hensley258]

Man, **** that bitch.

 

I know how you feel. I was devastated when I lost my "perfect wife", the "love of my life" until I realized that the woman I was so bent out of shape about losing was a figment of my imagination. My wife was nowhere near perfect and, although I'm sure I did love her, I couldn't for the life of me tell you why. Your wife isn't perfect or even worthy of your love either. If she was, she wouldn't have treated you like she did.

 

Quit obsessing over that whore. Get out of the house. Hang out with your buddies. Go skiing or bungee jumping or shopping or to the movies or something to get out of the house and your mind off your wife. Work out. Work out until you can't think straight, until you throw up, until you forget what it is you're trying to forget.

 

Talk to someone; your friends, family, or a therapist. Talk until they can't stand you and then talk some more. It helps.

 

Don't lose heart. Memphis is only a bad place for a single man if you're like all the other single men. Make yourself better. Take classes, dancing lessons, get a gym membership, tan, whiten your teeth... whatever, as long as it makes you a better you. Remember, it might be hard for a single man to meet a single woman in Memphis, but do you have any idea how hard it is for a woman to meet a decent man anywhere? Go bitch and moan to them and see how much sympathy you get. Be a good, decent man and you'll find a good woman... you'll be smarter this time too. You won't be tricked by some whore into thinking she's a good woman like you were last time.

 

Good luck, man. I really do feel for you, but you can get through this if you really want to.

 

That's exactly right. I also thought I was so lucky to have a good wife. The whole affare was nothing but a text message affare until one bad fight between us and she left the house. You can guess who she ran to. The Man she had been flerting with on the phone for 4 weeks.

 

I am 100% sure prior to that they had no physical contact because my wife works across the street from me and she was always home on time and I knew her schedule. We are new to Memphis so she had never went out late using the "girls night out" excuse.

 

It just happened that fast...BAM on the head and the next day she comes home and says he doesn't love me and is leaving. Just one day prior it was honey I love you. WTF? I still can't understand it.

 

Then like another person here said she tries making the whole thing sound like my fault because I did this or that. I gave her a ton of affection all the time. It must be that feeling of someone new that has blocked out her logical thinking of all we loved and been thru and done.

 

No new Woman could ever make me stop loving my wife. Even if I cheated (which I never did) I would come home to my family and wife. This guy must be one special person for her to give up everything like that.

 

She called today and wants me to print out the divorce papers tomorrow so we can complete and turn them in. No hesitation or nothing. I see her and I want to beg for her back, but that was tried 2 months ago and will not work.

 

How in the hell am I going to sit next to her and fill out forms without breaking down? She seems in a hurry for no logical reason. This man must be pushing her for it. Then I was on the phone and she says "you should just move back to Michigan." I said hell no I'm not leaving my Daughter and then she said, "Good then you can just watch me and my new boyfriend together." I just hung up the phone and started crying. How could she say such a hurtful thing?

 

I told her that bastard better not be around my daughter. I just ****ing hate this **** and I never asked for it because I love my wife. "cry."

 

Now I'm running around trying to pick up Women to replace the hole in my heart, but I am failing when just 10 years ago I could nail down 10 women in one night. I can't even get a date.

[hitbyatruck]

Hensley.

 

Having been through something similar to yourself, I have tasted a similar flavour of pain and bitterness. I've been to the bottom and to the the brink, but I made it back.

 

Here is all I can offer:

 

- There is always someone to talk to or go to for help or advice - both online and off.

- Your daughter comes first - she loves you unconditionally and at her age needs your love - one of the few unquestionable human needs.

- You can't answer all the questions and most of them you don't need to.

- What is out of your control is just that, leave it alone - it will just make you ill.

- Don't waste your healing energy attempting to trick, beg, influence, charm or manipulate your ex back to something she walked away from.

- Keep physically healthy.

- Go easy on the intoxicants - they only postpone the pain.

- Keep busy any way you can. Dwelling will have you going around in circles.

- Rebounding won't heal you.

- Hard work will, be it emotional, physical, artistic, business, volunteer, spiritual....

 

By all accounts it is a long journey (I'm currently en-route) but you will get there, and when you do, you will be a better person for it. Take your time, you will love again.

 

One thing I already knew, but had confirmed when it was slammed in my face early this year, is that true happiness can only come from within. Everything external only helps or hinders us getting there.

 

A member here has this old Buddhist proverb for their signature which I think sums up what most people eventually learn here:

 

"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional."

 

Take care.

[iheartboobs]

Then I was on the phone and she says "you should just move back to Michigan." I said hell no I'm not leaving my Daughter and then she said, "Good then you can just watch me and my new boyfriend together." I just hung up the phone and started crying. How could she say such a hurtful thing?

 

I told her that bastard better not be around my daughter. I just ****ing hate this **** and I never asked for it because I love my wife. "cry."

 

Now I'm running around trying to pick up Women to replace the hole in my heart, but I am failing when just 10 years ago I could nail down 10 women in one night. I can't even get a date.

 

First of all: what a complete bitch thing to say. My ex is a piece of work, but even she wouldn't be so blatantly hateful. You've got to simply stop loving her (easier said than done, I know)... and you're not going to be able to do that until you get away from her. This woman is poison. For whatever reason she's not only leaving you, but actively trying to make it hurt as much as possible. What kind of person does that? Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to take about a month off and go to Michigan. I assume you have family there? Go see them, get away from your wife, get your head on straight, get some perspective so you can face her without breaking down.

 

Second: quit running around trying to pick up women. It's obvious that you're only doing it to try and forget about your wife and it's not going to work. It's not healthy for you and it's not fair to them so cut it out. Besides, it's clear that you're hurt, that you're on the rebound, and that you're broken... and women don't want that. Forget about dating right now. You need to work on you.

 

Get yourself to a place mentally where the thought of this OM with your wife doesn't piss you off, where your wife's bitch comments can't hurt you anymore, and where you honestly don't care what happens to them as long as it doesn't affect your daughter. Only once you've picked up the pieces of your broken heart and forged them into something stronger should you start dating again.

 

I know it's hard to wait, you miss the companionship you had for so long and you feel like such a loser because she has someone and you don't... you want a trophy on your arm to parade in front of her that says "yes, I was slumming it before, I can do better than you. I am doing better than you." Be patient, become a strong, decent man deserving of a good woman and you'll get one.

 

...and forget about that crazy bitch whore you were stupid enough to love. Besides, if you think about it, you came out the winner. You never have to be with her again, but she has to live with herself for the rest of her life.

[Turning Leaf]

@ Hensley:

 

I lost my parents at a very young age, my mom @ 12, and my father when I was 28. I'm gay. I found a partner I have been with for 17 years. This relationship just ended during the recent holdiays. I now have to pick myself up off the ground and dust myself off... AGAIN. This is life. And it is worth living. Believe me, you don't always see the positive effects you have on people. Life is worth living. After all I have been thru, life is tough. But I'm determined not to FOCUS on the bad things. Think about all the good things you know. Do some inner soul searching and find where you want to be or accomplish in life. Your daughter needs you here. You make a difference, in a good way to everyone you meet. There is a purpose and you will find yours, give it time. Hope this helps.

[Surfer203]

iheartboobs: I really like your attitude. Whether it be healthy or not, I am going to try to take that mindset on more. I already have started but the outrage and detachment needs to come soon. Keep plugging away everyone!

[worlybear]

Well Im here to tell you that this place is full of survivors. Im one!, Close to two years now. It hurts, its senseless, and its just flat out wrong, the damage it causes can be great, some of the scars will last forever, but you can survive! If you want to.

 

It can start here. Like Surfer said, there are a lot of great people here, a small handful I would have to honestly say actually saved my life.

 

Theres no replacement for a good counselor in times like this as well, but there were many times that this place was the next best thing.

 

Lay your story out, read those of others here, you'll see your not alone, you'll see otherers where you have been and you'll hear from others that are where your heading, wherever that may be.

 

Theres a lot of people here much wiser then me, but I'm here every day and when I latch on to a thread I'm a real pain in the azz to get rid of.

 

The best advice I can give you is to know that where you see your wife, her face, her body, thats not who your dealing with. When someone makes the decision to walk away like this, they are very much a different person and need to be treated as such, as someone who is actively hurting you, not the person that you have loved and cherished for years. Its hard, but creating that seperation helps,allows you to retain the good memories and give you strength for what is to come.

 

Your not alone, Keep Posting.

TOJAZ

Read this post over and over. It is so true what Tojaz writes.

And please be there for your daughter- my daughter's father walked away from her and hasn't seen her in a year. It hurt her so much that he went.

Be there for your daughter,she's in as much turmoil as you are.Big hugs:bunny::bunny:

[2.50 a gallon]

H258

 

After reading your last post, I suspect that you were set up.

 

"One bad fight between us and she left the house. . . " She was waiting for the right moment. I would gluess, being as the OM has her ear, he had preloaded thoughts in her head, and they were like fire crackers awaiting for you to set them off

 

What do you know about the OM? You say they had no physical contact prior to that night, could he have been a co-worker? Is he married, single, divorced, older, younger, does he have kids.

 

I agree you are a long way from being able to date.

 

Please for now concentrate on your daughter. Fight for custody.

 

Your wife is no longer your wife. She is no longer the same person you married, much less than the person who used to be the mother of your child. Being as she has abandoned her child should tell you what kind of person she has become.

 

Also, being the single father of a little girl, says that you are great marriage material, when you are again ready to date. They will be knocking on your door.

 

Prediction: Twenty years from now seems like a long time, but trust me the time will fly, and in 20 years you will have long found somebody new and better to share your life with. And there is a good chance that you will be a new grandpa. Your daughter will be bringing your grandchild for you to hold and share with. While you wife will be left out in the cold. And a good chance that your daughter will not even allow your wife to see her grand baby. I have seen it happen many many times.

 

Take the time to spend with your daughter, as I said in my last post, decorate. Make this a happening Christmas for her.

 

If you can afford it buy her a doll house kit. They range from $50 for the most simple, on up. Then after Christmas the two of you can put it together then furnish it. This will be a bonding experience for the two of you. This might turn out to be something that she will cherish for the rest of her life

 

Also the time you put in building it, is time that the two of you are not thinking about you ex wife.

 

You can do this, you sill survive and thrive, it just takes time.

[delajoonal]

OP, please take in ALL u can from Tojaz...read his story from the beginning...u will see u r not so alone and SOOO many of us get what u r feeling...

 

please keep posting, keep reading and seek professional help...for your daughter...and yourself...

 

and at 41 y/o, u r just a youngin'..u will definatley find new love..in time...everything will happen in time...

 

just allow yourself some time everyday to grieve... with professional help, u can learn how to compartmentalize(sp?) and manage your life...from waking up to brushing your teeth, getting dressed, even driving a car, etc...everything has to be re-evaluated and u have to learn how to do ALL of life all over again...

 

i am a 45 y/o woman, my XH left me for his emotinal affair via facebook...nearly 2 years ago...a year ago, i became reaquanted with someone i grew up with ...we have been together now for 1 year...BUT, i still miss my XH, my in laws, his entire family...IT ALL still hurts and yes, i still cry nearly EVERYDAY..but i wake up everyday and go on...life goes on...u have to make it go on...divorce is worse than death...there technically is NO closure (some here might argue that term).

 

again, please keep posting, keep reading, keep reaching out...i can say from my heart with everything i am, i would NOT have made it thru my divorce w/o tojaz, lisa...gosh the group we became was OUR life line...

 

take care and keep keepin' on..u have to...u just have to do it... :~)

[delajoonal]

p.s. Find and read whatever u can that Gunny has posted... Gunny is as far as i am concerned, the Pillar of this forum...please read whatever he has to say...he can be tough at times...but has a heart of gold...:~)

 

again...please keep posting, keep reading and get on the phone and get an appt. with a counselor, therapist, psych doc, etc....or any divorce groups near your home...it is awful, but there are truley SO many people that r in your shoes right now...believe it or not, THEY may benefit from your story at this time...u may save a life ...please do not take your own...please!

please also feel free to ask for private advice..i know many vets here r capable and willing.

looking forward to reading more of your posts...and better days sweetie!!

take care..

[Steadfast]

Before I comment, know that no matter how alone or helpless you might feel right now, you are not alone. There are many in the fraternity. You will survive it. You'll be stronger and smarter than ever. I know you will, because you're reaching out for help. The truly inconsolable simply put a gun in their mouth and end it. That's what selfish cowards do, and I'm 100% sure you do not fit that profile. You're a loving father and husband. She isn't worth it. Wise men should only die for good wives.

 

Friend, when this happens to us it's important to separate fact from fiction.

 

I also thought I was so lucky to have a good wife....

 

Like others have posted, your wife's age suggests she has adopted a new set of priorities. 'Good' wives display a different character. Part of your pain comes from the intense realization that she is not who she said she was.

 

....It just happened that fast...BAM on the head and the next day she comes home and says he doesn't love me and is leaving. Just one day prior it was honey I love you. WTF? I still can't understand it.

 

Her heart started wandering long before she ever gave you a clue; months, maybe years passed before she let you in on it. Understand that she's way ahead of you at this point and it'll take you some time to get up to speed. You wife dropped the bomb when her new life plan was ready, and not one minute before. What does that tell you? It says your wife has no integrity, little to no courage and most of all, cannot be trusted. See her for what she truly is, and you'll begin to deal with the situation better. This is fact.

 

Then like another person here said she tries making the whole thing sound like my fault because I did this or that. I gave her a ton of affection all the time. It must be that feeling of someone new that has blocked out her logical thinking of all we loved and been thru and done.

 

She may be in a chemical fog, but there's enough of the 'old girl' left to put up a good defense. She cheated and lied and you still expect the truth? Do not try to 'figure it out'. Chances are she doesn't know herself.

 

No new woman could ever make me stop loving my wife. Even if I cheated (which I never did) I would come home to my family and wife. This guy must be one special person for her to give up everything like that.

 

I suspect you'll always love the woman you married...or more specifically, the woman you thought she was. I was truly and profoundly in love with my wife; even after 17-years of marriage. After she left, I slowly began to realize how many of her behavior and character flaws I had ignored. In retrospect, I see now that her cheating was a natural progression, but I do not beat myself up over not spotting it sooner. I loved her, and not being perfect myself caused me to tolerate things I should not have. Now, three years later and even though my love and care remain, I demand more.

 

Believe me, this man is nothing special. He is involved with a married woman, which makes him a home-wrecking scumbag. It does not matter how attractive or witty he is or what he has in the bank. Pity him; his girlfriend is a lying cheater who walked out on her husband and child. No matter what, the basis of their relationship is cancerous. It's doomed, because the trust shared by the two of them is nonexistent. Sad, really.

 

She called today and wants me to print out the divorce papers tomorrow so we can complete and turn them in. No hesitation or nothing. I see her and I want to beg for her back, but that was tried 2 months ago and will not work. How in the hell am I going to sit next to her and fill out forms without breaking down? She seems in a hurry for no logical reason. This man must be pushing her for it. Then I was on the phone and she says "you should just move back to Michigan." I said hell no I'm not leaving my daughter and then she said, "Good then you can just watch me and my new boyfriend together." I just hung up the phone and started crying. How could she say such a hurtful thing?

 

Understand that her words and actions now are the result of some kind of misguided devotion to the other man, and the sooner you come to terms with where you stand with her the better off you'll be. I know it is hard to accept now, but with her hateful attitude divorce seems the quickest path to healing. My advice is before the divorce becomes legal, mentally divorce yourself from this woman. She has given up the right of any control over you, and should know that by your actions and attitude. Do not talk to her at all about your relationship. Only the child and finances. There is no reason to sit down with her. Avoid this and avoid it at all costs. Enlist the services of a paralegal and explain to her in a businesslike fashion that there will be no communication between the two of you. Let her eat static. I'd go as far as finding a person to serve as a 'intermediary' between her and the child. Let her grind her heel into someone else. And she will, btw.

 

I told her that bastard better not be around my daughter. I just ****ing hate this **** and I never asked for it because I love my wife. "cry."

 

There is nothing you can do about that. You both have legal rights to your daughter. Make sure that doesn't change. Sure, it's unpleasant, but the more you let it show they more they'll use it. Let them be together and while your daughter is there, do the things that are easier done with her absent. In time, she'll wonder what you're doing...especially if your attitude is happy, carefree and normal. In time, it really will be, if you let yourself heal. Take care of the little girl and you. Work through the emotions you're dealing with. It will pass. Raise her right; truth and honesty. Be right.

 

When one spouse does this to another, it's a blindside blow. To the betrayed, it is a bill that comes full and due immediately. The cheater seemingly gets off easy, but this is an illusion. You are on different planes; you're low but will soon begin to rise. She's high, but her path will travel steadily downward. In time, what she's done will come full circle.

 

Fret not about other women. For now. You've got brokenhearted written all over your forehead, and women are not attracted to wounded men. You've suffered an injury. Let it heal and train before going back into the game.

 

Lean on trusted friends. Post here. You're in good company. Day by day.

[fltc]

You both have legal rights to your daughter.

 

Maybe, maybe not. Do not agree to anything or sign anything until you've found a good lawyer! Your daughter may have some thoughts of her own about the OM and possibly a judge would like to hear those thoughts. It's possible the judge could award you full custody or allow your wife only supervised visits w/o the OM present if that's what your daughter wants.

 

A friend of mine was involved in such a situation, the judge issued an injunction that put the OM in prison if he ever came near the daughter! Long story, probably inappropriate to post here, sorry.

 

Get a lawyer ASAP!

[hensley258]

Maybe, maybe not. Do not agree to anything or sign anything until you've found a good lawyer! Your daughter may have some thoughts of her own about the OM and possibly a judge would like to hear those thoughts. It's possible the judge could award you full custody or allow your wife only supervised visits w/o the OM present if that's what your daughter wants.

 

A friend of mine was involved in such a situation, the judge issued an injunction that put the OM in prison if he ever came near the daughter! Long story, probably inappropriate to post here, sorry.

 

Get a lawyer ASAP!

"steadfast" It will be near impossible for me to shut down all contact with my wife. Right now I take our 9 year old daughter 7 days and she gets her 7 days. 50/50 joint visitation as she agreed to. We have events, school, after school care and such that my wife and I must know about to share info. This sucks and I wish I could just never look or hear from her again.

 

We both are trying to do this divorce 100% on our own because there is really nothing to contest. We both have a negitiive net worth and the house she left me with is 7 years old and is now worth 30K less than what it could ever sell for. I have chose to stay in it and pay the morguage so my daughter has her dogs and home she loves with her school near her friends. Naturally my wife got an Apt and doesn't want the house and it's ugly debt, but she will have to remain on the loan because I can not refinance due to my poor credit.

 

I actually want her to stay on the loan for the house because she has a 760 credit score that she adores. This gives me leverage because if she screws with our deal I will put this house in forclosure and watch her score drop 350 points. She won't be able to buy a shoe box with a 480 credit score. So she must trust I make the payments. Short sale also destroys credit so she knows that is no option. I plan to refinance and get her off after the divorce is complete.

 

I even got her to enter and sign NO CHILD SUPPORT and joint custody. Her income matches mine and she knows I'm always buying things for my daughter to take care of her. I don't make that much and with one child her support payment wouldn't be that high anyway and she knows it.

 

We are doing this using a state of TN divorce kit at home. Once completed and signed we give it to the court clerk to process. If I get a hard ass for men lawar involved and she gets a Lawer then we both lose because the cost for each of us would be insane after all the fighting. Lawers love to fight on your dime. My friend spent 18K on his divorce lawer. (No thanks to that kind of cash I don't have)

 

If I can get out of this with no child support and joint custody, and this house then I win big time. I'm just trying to play it as if she is the one thats winning.

 

We had a verbal agreement that she not bring any men she dates around our daughter unless it's been a long term serious relationship. She may break this rule, but I let her know that if she does I may not be able to honor keeping another woman away from our daughter. She doesn't want another female infuance around our daughter so this gives me leverage. I will know if she breaks this deal because my Daughter is a huge blabber mouth.

 

It only been 10 weeks and my wife is high gear fired up to get this divorce super fast. I think she thinks that the desolution of the marriage will somehow eliminate something inside her, but it won't. It's just the end of a contract. It's like she's in this hurry to run from something. 10 weeks is a very short seperation before divorce. She thinks it will make her feel better, but to me she seems happy and fine already. She got to get out happy and care free and myself and my daughter suffer so bad. It's not fair that I should have all the burden of heartbreak and emotion and she gets to enjoy her life.

 

I hope what you said about an eventual turn of fortune for her as time passes is true. I move up and she with her low morals and lack of integerity and honor come back to push her down to feel the same pain she has caused me.

 

I hate that bitch for what she did. We weren't that bad together and a simple "Jim I want to get help together so we can be happy." is all it would have taken, but she is the silent treatment type. (the worst of all)

She led me to think all was well.

[delajoonal]

hensley...

the getting it over quickly, sounds ALL too familiar....my xh agreed to only a legal seperation, as i desperatley need the medical coverage, which we had fantastic coverage, especially these days...

long story short, his new gf decided NO that was not good enough, she had divorced her H and so my Xh needed to cut ALL ties with me as well...never mind we ALL have kids..nice huh!

so that was that, our friendly legal separation turned into a VERY quick divorce, and soon followed, a phone call from my XH saying he can NO longer EVER speak to me again..EVER!...wtf???

it's ALL her...

so after me rambling, my point is this...they, my xh your stbxw r in this 'FOG' they have no clue what they r doing...they only know, that if they get rid of us, the house, the kids, the dogs, the furniture, u name it, we ALL go away ..easy and THEY, the ws can start a NEW life with NO guilt...get it...jerks, huh..

sounds like from ur current post, u r on the right track and thinking very clearlly...especially by sacrificing yourself with work to keep the house for your daughters sake...i can say as a child of divorce myself..i SO wish my mother would have stayed in ONE darn place..i went to 11 schools in 12 years...

so keep doing the right thing for your daughter...and YOU!

again, keep posting, keep reading...

oh, and yes, they, the cheating spouses...they get their 'bad luck', as in what goes around comes around...it is very true..so u just keep being a good man, a good father, and know u had NOTHING to do with Y your wife left...nothing...this is ALL her.

T~

[tojaz]

hensley...

the getting it over quickly, sounds ALL too familiar....my xh agreed to only a legal seperation, as i desperatley need the medical coverage, which we had fantastic coverage, especially these days...

long story short, his new gf decided NO that was not good enough, she had divorced her H and so my Xh needed to cut ALL ties with me as well...never mind we ALL have kids..nice huh!

so that was that, our friendly legal separation turned into a VERY quick divorce, and soon followed, a phone call from my XH saying he can NO longer EVER speak to me again..EVER!...wtf???

it's ALL her...

so after me rambling, my point is this...they, my xh your stbxw r in this 'FOG' they have no clue what they r doing...they only know, that if they get rid of us, the house, the kids, the dogs, the furniture, u name it, we ALL go away ..easy and THEY, the ws can start a NEW life with NO guilt...get it...jerks, huh..

sounds like from ur current post, u r on the right track and thinking very clearlly...especially by sacrificing yourself with work to keep the house for your daughters sake...i can say as a child of divorce myself..i SO wish my mother would have stayed in ONE darn place..i went to 11 schools in 12 years...

so keep doing the right thing for your daughter...and YOU!

again, keep posting, keep reading...

oh, and yes, they, the cheating spouses...they get their 'bad luck', as in what goes around comes around...it is very true..so u just keep being a good man, a good father, and know u had NOTHING to do with Y your wife left...nothing...this is ALL her.

T~

 

Nice to see ya Dela, the board has missed you.

 

This is all to true Hensley. Happens a lot. My XW let the cat out of the bag and told me exactly what the rush was about...... SHE WAS AFRAID SHE WOULD CHANGE HER MIND! Same reason to refuse MC. As confusing as it is for you, it is just as confusing for her, and once she those awful words are spoken, its very hard to get them to hear anything else.

 

I think she thinks that the desolution of the marriage will somehow eliminate something inside her, but it won't. It's just the end of a contract. It's like she's in this hurry to run from something.

 

You hit the nail on the head. Her emotions are turned off, for now. Just stay strong, keep posting and dont let the same happen to you. Feel what you need to feel its the only way to get past whatever may come.

 

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

Hi Hensley - First off, sorry that you are here under these circumstances, but hopefully you will find some of the support you need here while going through this rough time. There are many people here who are working through these same issues and have found ways to cope that I hope you find helpful.

 

Your daughter is your blessing....hold on to that as she needs you now as much as you need her. You will get through this, I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you will and come out much better and smarter.

 

I can understand what you are going through, my Ex moved in with a woman who was a complete stranger with in days after telling me he wanted to work on us...she came completely out of left field, had no idea anything was even going on in that area. Within a month, and against my original wishes, he had our son around her and flaunted that they were one big happy family. Eventually I learned that I can't control what he does, but I can control how I react to it. Our son has learned to see things as they are for the most part although none of this has been easy on him, but he is older than your daughter which has been some help.

 

I know you said that you can't go NC with her due to your child...I went severe LC with mine for quite a while and even went so far as having his number completely blocked from my cell and emails blocked as well....the BS they spin and throw at you is mind-numbing at times. As of this past October, I have been complete NC with my ex as he regressed to that blaming, self-involved individual once our divorce was final. My son and I communicate via phone and cells and that has been working for us....you may want to look at very limited contact with your wife right now as she goes through her selfish, blaming phase...to her it is all about justification. She is no longer the woman you used to know.

 

Please keep posting, there are many wise people here who can help....Gunny, Tojaz, Steadfast...good ones to listen to.

[Steadfast]

I know you said that you can't go NC with her due to your child...I went severe LC with mine for quite a while and even went so far as having his number completely blocked from my cell and emails blocked as well....the BS they spin and throw at you is mind-numbing at times.

 

This is the type of advice that's best for you, IMO. The less you see her, the easier it'll be to come to grips with all that has happened. It's important to remember that very limited contact is for you...not to play games, work an angle or make a statement. There will be time for that later. Judging where you're at mentally, emotionally and financially, you have to find the path and place of least pain and cling to it. Clear your fog. Look at it like a boxer who's training for a tough fight. Know your limitations. Your strengths.

 

It is also critical to your well being that you be honest with yourself. Know that right now you are dealing with intense feelings of grief, loneliness, abandonment, sexual confusion and just plain old sadness. Know this, and also know it is normal. If you weren't, there would be more serious things wrong with you. Logic says deep suffering will always follow deep love.

 

There is no shame in that. In fact, it is the very thing that will eventually carry you out. You do care. You do recognize the wrong. When you are truly and profoundly sick of hurting, your heart will align with your head.

 

Lastly, for now, do yourself a favor and forget trying to cover up your heartbreak. Let it out in the open and someday soon the light of day will begin to lessen its effect on you. Don't waste words on your wife and don't try to act. Let her go and focus on removing yourself from any additional pain. You have enough...for now. In time, you'll deal with the rest.

 

Force yourself to rest-

Force yourself to eat (peanut butter and veggie omelets saved me)

Force yourself to exercise, even if it's just a walk-

 

Post often.

[Linda9999]

I have no experience or advice, but just wanted to tell you that I am so sorry you are being put through this. Take care of yourself - you WILL get through this. Hugs.

[wicar1]

Hi Hensley,

 

Sorry your in such a situation... but look at the brighter side... you got rid of a s*** pretending to be a saint. It seems you are doing everything perfectly. Please do look after your self.. sleep, eat, rest properly. Your daughter has a good father, I must say.

 

Remember you are the real winner here. You will find someone who really loves you and someone you deserve.

 

Good luck !!!

[tojaz]

Hensley, its been a few days, how are you doing?

 

I know this is all coming at you a mile a minute, and it takes a long time to digest. It helps to talk it out, or type as it were. The thoughts evolve as you go along, and it hurts. To borrow a Gunnyism, it truly is a healing fire.

 

Keep your head up and find a moment of peace wherever you can, doing whatever you can, all my best realizations came when I wasnt looking for them.

 

We can tell you to eat, and we can tell you to sleep, but most of us here know how hard that is. All im asking is you go out and find something that makes you feel at ease. Its out there! When you find it, then your on your way because you know you have a safe place to retreat to when life gets to be too much. It gets easier from there, all be it at a snails pace.

 

TOJAZ

[hensley258]

Well after 3 months of her being so sure she wanted a divorce and being cold to me, now today out of the blue she calls crying. I mean crying like a baby. Saying she screwed up the family, myself and our daughter by leaving. That she has made a huge mistake and that this whole time she never stopped loving me, but tried to turn it off so she could coap.

 

Her reasons were many some valid some BS. Saying she felt like she lost herself also saying that she was turning into a person she didn't like. And of corse the negitive things I did or did not do.

 

Now as for my end of things I will say that while i was a faithful husband, I really did treat her very bad in many ways. I would ignore her, yell at her for no reason, talk her down around my friends and much more. I am man enough to admit i was a jerk of a husband very often.

 

I didn't even realize I was doing all that until long after she was gone.

What she did wasn't right, but i no doubt played a part in what she did.

She wants to go together Saturday to an event with our daughter.

 

Then she wants to talk about going to a good marriage therapist to see if we can be salvaged. So what should I do people? Should I make her suffer now the way I had to suffer? Should I try to save this marriage for myself, her and my young daughter?

 

I don't know what to do. I still love her very much.

[Richard Friedman]

This is the very same woman who told you "Great. Then you can watch me and my boyfriend together." You would have to be a masochist to think something you did warranted that. She has proven beyond a doubt that she does not love you. Remember just a few months ago she could not run away from you fast enough into the arms of a man she thought was a better catch; obviously that fantasy did not pan out(desirable men have many options) and she sees you as a safe, reliable fallback. Too often I see men on hear bleat about "my heart, my feeeelingsss, i still loooveeee her" after the woman has shown them how disposable they are. Use your head, not your heart buddy. Any feelings you have for her are born from desperation. If you had ten beautiful women knocking on your door you think that you would even consider this bitch's offer after what she has done to you? Work on improving yourself instead of inviting this cancer back into your life. You would have to be beyond retarded to take her back, and then you'd deserve anything that happened to you.

[Steadfast]

When the betrayed is faced with infidelity and abandonment, the emotional torture comes in many forms. One of the most unpleasant is a heightened sense of awareness concerning our role in the situation. This is a result of intense introspection (made worse by accusations, true or not) as we mentally 'relive' the marriage in an effort to pinpoint what or when things started going wrong. The memory has amazing powers of recovery when we're traumatized, allowing us to remember details of times and events long forgotten. This guilt is normal. Most of us have experienced it too.

 

Loving the lovable is no test, but loving the unlovable is. Who else is to see the very best and worse of ourselves than our spouses? If the qualification for martial success was perfection, everyone would be divorced.

 

This is most important to remember now, considering this new turn of events. You cannot and must not accept any portion of her actions. Worse yet, even during her tearful speech of remorse she (again) reminded you of your 'part' in her betrayal. This is a huge red flag. I fear you're nothing more than a safety net. Surely you can see the danger of reconciling under that assumption? Laced with failure is an understatement. Reject it.

 

If the painful words you've written to describe your current life are true, then I contend that you do not love her. At least, the person she has become. You'd be a fool to believe that she could change (back?) so quickly, and much as we'd like to believe it's possible, the odds say it isn't.

 

Divorce her, let her go, and strictly limit communication to finances and the child. Allow her to face the consequences of her actions and take note of her attitude. Loving wives don't cheat their husbands Hensley, but living and learning can reshape lives if the person really wants to change.

 

Keep us posted, and stay on the healing path.

[hitbyatruck]

Hensley, if you are considering taking her back, just be careful.

Most sagas here have common threads but I see a lot of similarities between our situations. All of the following is from personal experience. Not theory and not second-hand advice.

 

You will find it extremely hard to forget what she said and did when she left you. Be reassured, the pain fades after a while but the damage in cases like yours (and mine) starts long before the end and gets worse afterwards. 3 to 4 months post breakup appears to be the window where a woman wonders if she has made a big mistake. I don't think your child should be a factor in reconciling. Parents can be good or bad whether they are together or not. A couple together in a relationship lacking respect and trust is a recipe for bad parents and in the future a troubled kid/teen/adult can be the product.

 

You mentioned that you treated your wife badly quite often. I recommend that you sit down and attempt to determine why this may have been. What made you yell at her and put her down? Was it you, or her......or both of you?

 

If you believe the problems are related to you then don't bother trying again with your wife until you're well on the way to fixing them. If you didn't realize you behaved badly until after she left then you may need a counsellor to see why you couldn't see your role in things. You may have subconciously ignored them or denied there were any problems at all until the damage had been done.

 

If on the other hand you believe the problems were mainly related to your wife then you need to ensure that she understands this and doesn't attempt to justify her behaviour. Of course you can only blame your wife for cheating but nobody can blame their partner for treating them badly.

 

You don't mention it, but if there were alcohol or susbstance abuse issues with either of you, then this is possibly just self-medicating for deeper personal emotional issues and could even stem back to childhood. These long term unresolved emotional issues usually affect a person's sense of self-esteem and self-respect and as a result the ability to respect those close to us can in turn be adversely affected.

 

You did exist before you were married. If you really want to know whether you should attempt "marriage part 2", your wife and yourself should firstly peel away anything that could be covering up deeper issues. If they exist, then deal with these issues. When any pre-marriage issues have been identified and plans put in place to recover/repair, then you both have a good grounding to ask yourself some very important questions:

 

Did we actually truly like and respect each other leading to the break up?

Can we continue to do so given recent events?

Can we truly accept each other's role in the breakup without justification?

Can we trust that we have individually and together done everything necessary to give our marriage a second chance?

 

There are many reasons why your marriage failed. The biggest mistake you (and your wife) can now make is to reconnect, then pay lip service to dealing with the problems, get back together, get comfortable, become complacent, drop the ball and before you know it the sh*t will hit the fan again. Who knows, next time you could cheat on her and leave - retalliatory affairs do happen.

 

I am not a professional counsellor and I don't know the stats on second chances but I do know that with relationships you learn from experience and your mistakes, but it is so often after the fact and therefore, too late. If I had done half of what I have suggested (and my ex had too) then our failed reconciliation may have had a chance. Instead we didn't talk enough and heads were buried in sand. Complacency is a marriage killer and a reconciliation terminator.

 

You probably have no doubt that you still love your wife, but a future with her requires both of you to dig deep into your soul, expose your insecurities and throw away the emotional garbage. This takes a lot of guts and most people are too scared to do it which is yet another reason why it can be so hard to repair a broken marriage. It is so much easier to just walk away - maybe in time you will too.

 

I'm spring cleaning my emotional house as we speak but I've really only done the kitchen so far and it's a big house if you know what I mean.

 

Reconciliation won't be easy - to do it properly will be the hardest thing you will ever do so I wish you the best.

 

Take things slowly and walk tall.

 

Take care.

Edited December 18, 2010 by hitbyatruck

[worlybear]

Well after 3 months of her being so sure she wanted a divorce and being cold to me, now today out of the blue she calls crying. I mean crying like a baby. Saying she screwed up the family, myself and our daughter by leaving. That she has made a huge mistake and that this whole time she never stopped loving me, but tried to turn it off so she could coap.

 

Her reasons were many some valid some BS. Saying she felt like she lost herself also saying that she was turning into a person she didn't like. And of corse the negitive things I did or did not do.

 

Now as for my end of things I will say that while i was a faithful husband, I really did treat her very bad in many ways. I would ignore her, yell at her for no reason, talk her down around my friends and much more. I am man enough to admit i was a jerk of a husband very often.

 

I didn't even realize I was doing all that until long after she was gone.

What she did wasn't right, but i no doubt played a part in what she did.

She wants to go together Saturday to an event with our daughter.

 

Then she wants to talk about going to a good marriage therapist to see if we can be salvaged. So what should I do people? Should I make her suffer now the way I had to suffer? Should I try to save this marriage for myself, her and my young daughter?

 

I don't know what to do. I still love her very much.

He's turned her down . Do you really want to live your life as her 2nd best choice? Be very careful.

Stay apart for now and see how it pans out. Be steadfast for your daughter.

[hitbyatruck]

He's turned her down . Do you really want to live your life as her 2nd best choice? Be very careful.

Stay apart for now and see how it pans out. Be steadfast for your daughter.

 

Nowhere in his post does Hensley say that his wife has admitted that her affair partner has turned her down. She most likely came back because of the reasons I think that they all do:

 

Guilt associated with breaking up a family and causing reduced contact between father & child; Guilt associated with cheating; Realization that the affair/relationship they have embarked upon has a dishonest, tainted basis and probably won't last may also have driven her back. Add to this the fear that the guy she betrayed, her husband of ten years and father of her child, could eventually fall in love with a woman smarter, prettier and more decent than her and there is another reason for her crawling back. The pain associated with being separated from her daughter when she is with her father is another factor.

 

I see something here on LS that I disagree with entirely and don't like at all, that is, despite our wives/partners bad choices in cheating and running away, Hensley, like myself, is not a second choice or a plan B. That was the role of the other man, the new guy was the back up plan. 10 years of marriage + child confirms that you are 1st choice, plan A, numero uno.

 

If a returning cheating wife has you seeing yourself as plan B or second choice (or technically plan C/3rd choice) then you probably don't want her back.