I'm lost and close to death

[andrew-bkk]

She most likely came back because of the reasons I think that they all do:

 

Guilt associated with breaking up a family and causing reduced contact between father & child; Guilt associated with cheating; Realization that the affair/relationship they have embarked upon has a dishonest, tainted basis and probably won't last may also have driven her back. Add to this the fear that the guy she betrayed, her husband of ten years and father of her child, could eventually fall in love with a woman smarter, prettier and more decent than her and there is another reason for her crawling back. The pain associated with being separated from her daughter when she is with her father is another factor.

 

I see something here on LS that I disagree with entirely and don't like at all, that is, despite our wives/partners bad choices in cheating and running away, Hensley, like myself, is not a second choice or a plan B. That was the role of the other man, the new guy was the back up plan. 10 years of marriage + child confirms that you are 1st choice, plan A, numero uno.

 

If a returning cheating wife has you seeing yourself as plan B or second choice (or technically plan C/3rd choice) then you probably don't want her back.

 

That's a very clever post. Let me summarize it. They come back because...

 

1. They feel guilty about breaking up the family.

2. They feel guilty about the reduced contact between the child and the betrayed spouse.

3. They feel guilty about having cheated.

4. They realize that their affair is/was essentially garbage.

5. The fog has cleared. They can see clearly now.

6. They become very jealous when they learn that the betrayed husband seems to be moving on.

 

So ... they come back.

 

But should we or should we not accept this. I personally think not.

 

My view is that this has nothing to do with being her Plan A or her Plan B or her Plan C.

 

Au contraire. It's all about the fact that she is trash.

 

Oh -- and btw -- I too had ten years. I'm 46. She is 37. Our son is 6. The OM is 63. We split mid-August.

 

You can try being friends. But nothing more.

[delajoonal]

...everybody deserves a second chance.

 

it could be she was:

MLC

hormonal issues

identity crisis

 

i say, do NOT cave 100%, but def do the MC thing and go from there...

there is your daughter's wefare to think of first and foremost.

 

so if u and your W still love each other...

 

like i said, EVERYONE deserves a second chance...

 

no games to be played...making her suffer, doing to her what she did to u, etc.

 

good luck hensley...keep us posted...i have to say, i really do hope IT all works out for you, your daughter and your wife...life is so hard as it is...Y not give it another try?

take care...

[You Go Girl]

Now as for my end of things I will say that while i was a faithful husband, I really did treat her very bad in many ways. I would ignore her, yell at her for no reason, talk her down around my friends and much more. I am man enough to admit i was a jerk of a husband very often.

 

Then she wants to talk about going to a good marriage therapist to see if we can be salvaged. So what should I do people? Should I make her suffer now the way I had to suffer? Should I try to save this marriage for myself, her and my young daughter?

 

I don't know what to do. I still love her very much.

 

Then fix it.

I see these men on here that are divorced with hurt machismo pride that say "walk away" "don't take her back" every single frickin' time.

Those men lost. Their wives lost. All was lost, nobody can win.

 

You admit to treating her very badly.

Very badly is a really big deal, you know. Very badly sucks.

I think the two of you are tit for tat.

She went to somebody else because you weren't there to emotionally support her. THat's why women go to somebody else, not for a cheap fling. They want the comfort of somebody who will support and recognize and validate their emotions.

When a woman is treated "very badly" then she needs and deserves validation for her feelings. I'm not saying what she did was right, it was wrong, but there is a reason for what she did, she just went to the wrong place to validate her emotions.

 

So do you love her or not? Don't be wishy washy. Throw yourself into MC and FIX THIS, or lose like those who are telling you to pay attention to your machismo pride and throw her under the bus. Your choice.

[hensley258]

Well like an ass hole I didn't listen to you guys. Later friday after work she sent another text message full of regret. Then she called and asked if her and our daughter could come over together.

 

I said yes. Maybe because I had more questions and she was ready to tell. While alone she latches on to me so hard while crying that I thought my ribs would break. She wouldn't let go. Passionatly kissing me and saying she missed me and loved me so much. I won't lie, I felt high with love because as you know I am sick in love with my wife.

 

I didn't have the power to resist. She said this guy lives over an hour away and because of her working 70 hours a week (which she has) that she hasn't seen him or talked to him in weeks. She said she felt like she lost your fun youthful self and snaped. She also said he was not the reason she left and they were just friends (Trust me I even told her to stop with the BS friends thing because I'm not stupid)

 

So she stays over (no sex) but we hold eachother all night. She agreed to therapy. Then guess what? the next day when I met her at our daughters event she was ice cold. Completly ignored me. Wouldn't even sit next to me. When I asked what happened I just got some BS excuse.

 

Now she is cold again and wont talk. WTF is wrong with this bitch? How can a person shift their love for someone like that in just one day? I think she may be Psychotic. Worst part is that I was 50% over her before this happened. I was dating again and was getting so proud of myself about the personal improvements I have made all by myself.

 

Now the hurt is all back to square one and I must start all over again. Damn it! I MUST get it thru my thick head that everything this bitch says and does is just a lie. She may have feelings at times, but noting to back them up. I must consider every word from her mouth to be a lie and nothing more, but damn it's so hard when you want to believe it's true.

Edited December 19, 2010 by hensley258
none

[FreeNow]

10 years of marriage + child confirms that you are 1st choice, plan A, numero uno.

 

Nope. Try two decades and multiple children and it doesn't mean squat when a waw pulls this garbage. A long term marriage and children do not necessarily mean that the husband was '1st choice', 'plan A', or even 'numero uno'.

 

In personal and professional capacities over the years, I've noted too many women going along with long term relationships out of convenience or whim. Just because she chose to marry a decade earlier or to conceive a child somewhere along the way doesn't necessarily mean that they are content with the person with whom they live.

 

Spouses that choose to step out of a marriage, especially when minor children are involved, have something deep within them screwed up. They make poor and selfish choices while other people pay the heavier price.

 

In the end, I wouldn't give a flip if I were first or last choice to one of these selfish and debased cows! (For the women being cheated on, the same goes for the worthless husbands.) Experience has shown me that the best course of action when they cheat is lose them and move on with life. A small minority *may* actually change but the overall risk of them not negates the value in accepting one back.

 

 

Society would do well to tattoo an "A" in scarlet on their miserable foreheads after being caught the second time so the rest of us can steer well clear of them.

Edited December 19, 2010 by FreeNow
typos

[Steadfast]

Now the hurt is all back to square one and I must start all over again. Damn it! I MUST get it thru my thick head that everything this bitch says and does is just a lie. She may have feelings at times, but noting to back them up. I must consider every word from her mouth to be a lie and nothing more, but damn it's so hard when you want to believe it's true.

 

Relax Hensley, you didn't backtrack that much. Besides, you're only fooling yourself if you think you were 50% over her. More like 5%...if you're lucky. Demand excellence from everyone, yourself first.

 

Dating? Do you have a death wish? One woman, one relationship at a time. That's enough. If you're co-dependent you'll need to work on that. Getting a handle on that issue will help you be stronger and make better decisions. No matter what, you'll never be truly happy until you're happy in your own skin.

 

As to why she did what she did, my guess is she made a jump to see if her safety net was in place. All four corners secure? Good. Now back to her master plan knowing that she has you under control and available when needed. You were warned, but don't take it so hard. These things take time.

 

My final bit of advice? Please re-think you're language. Calling her, or any woman derogatory names only exposes a needy, controlling nature. You've already admitted to making mistakes and not treating her right when you were married...time to start correcting that now. Any man who calls a woman a bitch is a weak, disrespectful slug. Wrap your head around that.

Edited December 19, 2010 by Steadfast

[2.50 a gallon]

Could she have gotten wind of your dating? That would be my guess.

 

My story was similar, the XW was living with the OM when she discovered that I had gone back to dating. She did a total 180, full of remorse and wanting to reconcile. I never gave her the chance, so I do not know what would have happened had we tried.

 

I do say that her changing her mind was emotionally worse than the initial discovery as part of me wanted to give her a chance, but the other part said run.

[FreeNow]

Hensley258,

 

Steadfast has solid opinions on the subject and much experience. It would be wise to give his words attention.

 

 

 

BTW: Pour salt on this slug 'cause it's my opinion that your wife is a manipulative bitch and you don't deserve the hot & cold manipulation.

[wicar1]

OMG, I cant believe I am reading a post like this...

 

Then fix it.

I see these men on here that are divorced with hurt machismo pride that say "walk away" "don't take her back" every single frickin' time.

Those men lost. Their wives lost. All was lost, nobody can win.

-What do you mean by those men lost..??? Do you think we lose if we dump a cheating s***. Makes me laugh... I dumped my ex... and that is one of the best decisions I ve ever made. I won...!!!

 

The cheaters lose....

A BS is lost only if he takes back the cheater....

 

You admit to treating her very badly.

Very badly is a really big deal, you know. Very badly sucks.

I think the two of you are tit for tat.

She went to somebody else because you weren't there to emotionally support her.

That is bu******. Those are no reasons to f*** another man. Simply she's a b****. there are no justifications for cheating.

 

THat's why women go to somebody else, not for a cheap fling. They want the comfort of somebody who will support and recognize and validate their emotions.

So female cheaters are better...than male cheaters eh??? Male or female a cheater is a cheap piece of sh**. Are you justifyingcheating??? I don't know about you but makes me think you were/are a cheater. No offense.

 

And it even gets funnier....

So do you love her or not? Don't be wishy washy. Throw yourself into MC and FIX THIS, or lose like those who are telling you to pay attention to your machismo pride and throw her under the bus. Your choice.

We never lost a wife, we lost a bi***. A wife cannot be replaced but a cheating piece of sh** can be replaced by a hooker. I would say a hooker is 100 times better than a cheater.

 

I divorced my ex ... I won !!!

[Steadfast]

OMG, I cant believe I am reading a post like this...

 

While I don't totally agree with it either, I will remind everyone here of a important fact; there are two sides to every story. That, and we all post/advise based on our experience and the things we learn.

 

YGG doesn't need me to defend her, but I assure you she speaks from experience; she has a good head on her shoulders. And while I admit that we are friends, we can still agree to disagree. None of us are too smart or secure in our beliefs to learn and advise better.

[wicar1]

First of all,

You are not the reason for her cheating. Dont blame yourself. it will show you are weak. What ever you think you did bad to your W, she has no rights to cheat. She could have divorced you if you were so bad... that is what normal/honest people would do. She's a cheater, a different type of human

 

Well like an ass hole I didn't listen to you guys. Later friday after work she sent another text message full of regret. Then she called and asked if her and our daughter could come over together.

 

I said yes. Maybe because I had more questions and she was ready to tell. While alone she latches on to me so hard while crying that I thought my ribs would break. She wouldn't let go. Passionatly kissing me and saying she missed me and loved me so much. I won't lie, I felt high with love because as you know I am sick in love with my wife.

Don't fall for those... if she loves you so much and misses you how the hell could she have left you for another guy .. and she has a child with you.

By leaving you, she admits OM is more important to her than you and your daughter. Even if you take her back how long do you think would take for her to leave you and your daughter again.. How many times can you handle it? How many times can the child handle it? She's a cheater. cheaters have a different set of logics and morals. They dont see cheating as a bad thing. They dont feel your pain, not at all. You might have noticed most people who would advice you to forgive her are the same people who were once cheaters themselves or OM/OW. (I am not saying everyone) Dont take those advice cause it's gonna give you pain...and forever.

 

She also said he was not the reason she left and they were just friends (Trust me I even told her to stop with the BS friends thing because I'm not stupid)

- OMG!!! would you believe this... she's the same person who told.. you can watch her and her new bf together if you stay in the same place.

- If OM's not the reason for her to leave what was it?.... global warming?? Cheaters are..great liars.

 

So she stays over (no sex) but we hold eachother all night.

She might be having STDs and stuff... it's good you didnt have sex. The next time she wants to see the kid... dont let her spend the night in your house.

 

She agreed to therapy.

They all do... it's not worth it ...and it aint gonna work...

 

Then guess what? the next day when I met her at our daughters event she was ice cold. Completly ignored me. Wouldn't even sit next to me. When I asked what happened I just got some BS excuse.

and Again.. she has shown her true face.

 

Now she is cold again and wont talk. WTF is wrong with this bitch? How can a person shift their love for someone like that in just one day?

wtf is wrong with cheaters I would say. Cheaters can do that.

 

Worst part is that I was 50% over her before this happened. I was dating again and was getting so proud of myself about the personal improvements I have made all by myself.

Dude, look at the brighter side... Now you know for sure you can bounce back to 50% in no time. If you can do it once, you can do it again and easily. Trust me, You will get back to 100% faster than you think and before you know it you will be back in business.

 

There is no harm in dating again.... infact it is great. Dont waste your precious time being a spare wheel for a b****. She's playing you. She's garbage and there are people who deserves garbage like her OM. Let him/them handle it. You deserve someone honest.There are lotsa a single women out there who are looking for honest relationships. You will find someone great. Spend time with your kid. Make sure she has a great christmas.

 

Life is a great thing. Giving up your life for your country or for a woman who deserves it is something great, but giving up your life for a not worthy b*** is insane.

 

You have a kid, think about her. by now it's obvious your child's mom is not a good person. Your child is not gonna learn anything nice from her mom. You are the only person who can raise your child in a better way. You must be there for her. She needs you....

 

...there are lotsa single woman who deserves a honest guy like you.... Live for them too.

 

 

 

Cheaters deserve no family.

[wicar1]

While I don't totally agree with it either, I will remind everyone here of a important fact; there are two sides to every story. That, and we all post/advise based on our experience and the things we learn.

 

YGG doesn't need me to defend her, but I assure you she speaks from experience; she has a good head on her shoulders. And while I admit that we are friends, we can still agree to disagree. None of us are too smart or secure in our beliefs to learn and advise better.

I understand there are two sides to every story. Nothing personal. I respect her opinion and I know everyone's posting based on what they have experienced. I dont mean to offend anyone.

 

To my knowledge this is the first time I am quoting a post from her.

it's simply because.... I disagree 100% and also I know she didnt mean it...but some statements are offending me as a BS.

[IfiKnewThen]

i am SOOOOOOOOOOOOO glad she wants to make a mends. please please both of you learn something from this.

 

 

i think its GREAT you are looking at yourself hensley.

 

 

who cares who is right or wrong you are both right..you are both wrong. RUN dont walk to a MC. do i think you should do it...be back with her....try again. you BET i do!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

who of us wouldn't want to find peace and healing and save our relationships if we can

 

i PRAY you both grow from this.

 

ps i wanted to note i agreed with 2.50 gallon in the beginning of the tread..his post. (something struck me about it. i would have to scroll to remember what it was)

 

 

but before i got to the page 4 of this thread and saw your update..i was thinking to myself...hey why doesn't he try again. i know she a cold...sob i am going thru that too with someone.

 

 

but MAYBE just MAYBE we have to be a little more like jesus once and a while...(not all the time ) but turn the other cheek. say what was it. what did "i" do to fail you even though it may be nothing. i am not saying self blame. but sometimes we need to look at ourselves too. she look at her...you at you.

 

pleasssseeeee i wish i could be a zillionaire in put in everyone's holiday stocking..men are from mars woman are from venus. and a dozen other books.

 

damnit they really need to teach us more about relationships in school...before we grow up and screw up our lives. its so fundamental it needs to be addressed..yet so complicated....and so necessary to make the world go round proper.

 

i am cheering you guys on...i pray...you talk nicer to each other...

 

and try praying together...

 

be tender be kind be understanding ..dont judge...have each other's back....

 

humility is worth so much more than pride.

 

fight (kindly and maturely and compassionately for what you value)

 

good luck. please grow in love

 

dont focus on the bad...speak of uplifting things. i mean address issues...but...make better days. period!!!!!!

 

life is so short. if thius doesnt work out...which i really hope is no the case...

 

it will be easier for healing...KNOWING....just KNOWING you tried it all ...everything....within your means.

 

that can help you to move forward....cope.....somehow....

 

God willing

[IfiKnewThen]

OMG YIKES HENSLEY I MISSED THIS LAST POST!!!! so sorry!!!!!!!!! last i read was she said she loved you wanted MC. ssighssssss

 

 

So she stays over (no sex) but we hold eachother all night. She agreed to therapy. Then guess what? the next day when I met her at our daughters event she was ice cold. Completly ignored me. Wouldn't even sit next to me. When I asked what happened I just got some BS excuse.

 

Now she is cold again and wont talk. WTF is wrong with this bitch? How can a person shift their love for someone like that in just one day? I think she may be Psychotic. Worst part is that I was 50% over her before this happened. I was dating again and was getting so proud of myself about the personal improvements I have made all by myself.

 

Now the hurt is all back to square one and I must start all over again. Damn it! I MUST get it thru my thick head that everything this bitch says and does is just a lie. She may have feelings at times, but noting to back

 

 

 

OMGGGGGGGG. UGH i wish i could talk to her. what is she doing???

 

ok now i am mad, sad...

 

 

please try to find out WHY she did this? shge is not perfect. she obviously feels feelings for you still and doesnt want to be in the relationsip too. she is confused...guilty...thats what i am thinking over here. i know youre nerves must be a mess and you feel betrayed yet again. BUT theres something going on in her... i dont think its too late. somehow you hurt each other again. ask her to do trail marriage councelling and then go to buy men are from mars woman are from venus..and try reading it...each of you. good luck.

[hensley258]

OMG YIKES HENSLEY I MISSED THIS LAST POST!!!! so sorry!!!!!!!!! last i read was she said she loved you wanted MC. ssighssssss

 

 

So she stays over (no sex) but we hold eachother all night. She agreed to therapy. Then guess what? the next day when I met her at our daughters event she was ice cold. Completly ignored me. Wouldn't even sit next to me. When I asked what happened I just got some BS excuse.

 

Now she is cold again and wont talk. WTF is wrong with this bitch? How can a person shift their love for someone like that in just one day? I think she may be Psychotic. Worst part is that I was 50% over her before this happened. I was dating again and was getting so proud of myself about the personal improvements I have made all by myself.

 

Now the hurt is all back to square one and I must start all over again. Damn it! I MUST get it thru my thick head that everything this bitch says and does is just a lie. She may have feelings at times, but noting to back

 

 

 

OMGGGGGGGG. UGH i wish i could talk to her. what is she doing???

 

ok now i am mad, sad...

 

 

please try to find out WHY she did this? shge is not perfect. she obviously feels feelings for you still and doesnt want to be in the relationsip too. she is confused...guilty...thats what i am thinking over here. i know youre nerves must be a mess and you feel betrayed yet again. BUT theres something going on in her... i dont think its too late. somehow you hurt each other again. ask her to do trail marriage councelling and then go to buy men are from mars woman are from venus..and try reading it...each of you. good luck.

 

She won't do anything now. She sent me a message tonight saying she won't talk about anything unless it's about the divorce or our daughter.

 

I over stated the mistakes I made in the marriage. Yes I at times got short tempered, but I didn't deserve this. She also had faults that I overlooked because I love her.

 

Now it's all back and I'm a mess. I can't stop crying. My marriage really is over and I feel my life is also. I can't F***ing do this anymore. I can't even take care of myself now, how do I take care of my daughter? I hate her for this! I had to put up that damn tree tonight with my daughter that we used to do together and I found stuff me made with all our names on them and then my wifes Xmas stocking. I just keep falling apart and I can't do this anymore. She broke my heart so bad and I hate her for it!

[IfiKnewThen]

i know what you mean I have ben crying so hard for days ...i could barely see...my vision got to foggy. my head in a daze....stunned...still in shock after 7 months...(different story but 10 years together).

 

and he was the nicest person on the planet. seriously i am the one who messed up and i cant overstate it at all!~! so i HATE myself for it...every single day.

 

 

BUT i am sooooo serious here. something made her come back to you like that. saying she was sorry loved you wanted to try.

 

dont fight with her. be honest. tell her you are grief stricken and that you would really appreciate knowing what happened from the other day till now. try to get to the bottom of it all. and dont argue it. you freally seem to love this woman...

 

and she had a moment or coming around. dont give up. please do yourself a favor and say to her..."look...i know you dont want to talk now..but please as soon as youre ready (and please try to make it sooner than later..because i care how YOU feel) ....please tell me what i can do to make it better. the other day we connected and made progress..

 

what is troubling you..how can we get back to good. i am WILLING to listen and do all my best.

 

i think you have to go from that angle. did she get mad about the dates? did she remember something that pissed her off in the past? anyway i am NOT >>>>>>>>>>NOT AT ALL saying its your fault. i am saying when things are like this..the situation delicate and fragile...........you have to take the less aggressive route but still be pro active in communication.

 

its easier to leave someone too when there is another rival out there. so its winning your wife back. BUT sensibly. i know what its like not to be able to put one foot in front of the other and not have the energy or insentive to keep going or like you said..take care of yourself let alone your daughter.

 

sop thats why you have to fight for your life now in the fight of your life. but somehow...with the grace of God it will get better or improve.

 

i heard a song tonight on a movie that reminded me of him sooooo sooo badly (a song from the cure, fiday i am in love with you). it throws you into the moments when you flet love and hope with them and then plummets you into despair and further grief. i dont know how i am going to get thru this either to tell you the truth. but all we can to is try. lean on each other and try. God be with you my friend..and try turning to him too. without fighting you guys need to talk and NOT revert into old ways that offend and hurt because its seriously not worth it. the situation is too much now to be our "old selves" apparently there is something there they are no longer happy with. find out what and try to fix it. one day at a time.

[BlindRage]

First of all,

You are not the reason for her cheating. Dont blame yourself. it will show you are weak. What ever you think you did bad to your W, she has no rights to cheat. She could have divorced you if you were so bad... that is what normal/honest people would do. She's a cheater, a different type of human

 

 

Don't fall for those... if she loves you so much and misses you how the hell could she have left you for another guy .. and she has a child with you.

By leaving you, she admits OM is more important to her than you and your daughter. Even if you take her back how long do you think would take for her to leave you and your daughter again.. How many times can you handle it? How many times can the child handle it? She's a cheater. cheaters have a different set of logics and morals. They dont see cheating as a bad thing. They dont feel your pain, not at all. You might have noticed most people who would advice you to forgive her are the same people who were once cheaters themselves or OM/OW. (I am not saying everyone) Dont take those advice cause it's gonna give you pain...and forever.

 

 

- OMG!!! would you believe this... she's the same person who told.. you can watch her and her new bf together if you stay in the same place.

- If OM's not the reason for her to leave what was it?.... global warming?? Cheaters are..great liars.

 

 

She might be having STDs and stuff... it's good you didnt have sex. The next time she wants to see the kid... dont let her spend the night in your house.

 

 

They all do... it's not worth it ...and it aint gonna work...

 

 

and Again.. she has shown her true face.

 

 

wtf is wrong with cheaters I would say. Cheaters can do that.

 

 

Dude, look at the brighter side... Now you know for sure you can bounce back to 50% in no time. If you can do it once, you can do it again and easily. Trust me, You will get back to 100% faster than you think and before you know it you will be back in business.

 

There is no harm in dating again.... infact it is great. Dont waste your precious time being a spare wheel for a b****. She's playing you. She's garbage and there are people who deserves garbage like her OM. Let him/them handle it. You deserve someone honest.There are lotsa a single women out there who are looking for honest relationships. You will find someone great. Spend time with your kid. Make sure she has a great christmas.

 

Life is a great thing. Giving up your life for your country or for a woman who deserves it is something great, but giving up your life for a not worthy b*** is insane.

 

You have a kid, think about her. by now it's obvious your child's mom is not a good person. Your child is not gonna learn anything nice from her mom. You are the only person who can raise your child in a better way. You must be there for her. She needs you....

 

...there are lotsa single woman who deserves a honest guy like you.... Live for them too.

 

 

 

Cheaters deserve no family.

 

 

 

WOW I love your views and your post is so awesome. I agree with you 100%

 

 

Hensley, really, this man narrowed it down for you. It goes fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me, apply this to that no good cheater of a women. She deserves no sympathy in my book. My ex used to cheat on me and well finally left me, its been painful I can tell you that, but getting back together is a big NO!. They don't want to be back with me but if they ever did I would laugh in their face and walk away. You deserve better. Like other posters have said: "there are many women out there looking for a good man." Don't think its just her. She had you and obviously left for a reason. That reason in her mind was valid enough to leave a 10 year marriage. She now knows that you are on the palm of her hand and a simple phone call away. Show her that is not the case. Show her you're happy and move on with life. I know its hard.. I'm still trying but I can say LS has help, in reading peoples advice to others I feel they are giving ME advice. You can move on from her don't ever think that a women defines you. YOU define yourself.

 

Again.. Wicar your post is so awesome! I want to cry at how awesome I found it!!!

Edited December 20, 2010 by BlindRage

[IfiKnewThen]

Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun.

 

 

LOL

[Distant78]

I understand there are two sides to every story. Nothing personal. I respect her opinion and I know everyone's posting based on what they have experienced. I dont mean to offend anyone.

 

To my knowledge this is the first time I am quoting a post from her.

it's simply because.... I disagree 100% and also I know she didnt mean it...but some statements are offending me as a BS.

 

Naw if you look at her posting history YGG has a bias against the men on LS, especially betrayed husbands, and encourages affairs so it's no surprise you strongly disagreed. And Steadfast, just because there are two sides to every cheating story does not validate a cheater's selfish and degrading decisions to cheat. The BS's side of the story always counts regardless if he/she was an azzhole in the marriage. Cheaters deserve nothing when they throw away invested years of marriage and kids for a 10-minute orgasm.

[Distant78]

OP, I know how you feel about your whore of a wife, but when you move on you're going look back at this marriage and laugh, thinking how could you have ever fallen for someone with such a low-maturity level.

[hidayna]

I know what you're experiencing is extremely painful, and I honestly can't even imagine what it is like. To hear that you are contemplating suicide makes me extremely sad, though I do not know you. You have so much more to live for, and if your wife is the type to do something so drastic and immature, you should not have to suffer because of her faults as a person. Your daughter should be your reason to live, just think about how many more people will be depressed and suffering if you were to die. Don't take the easy way out. I challenge you to be brave and face life as it is. You need much more time than 3 months, but you can do it. I believe that you will find happiness in your life, and that will make it worth living. Like I said, I don't know you, but please, don't commit suicide. Your daughter needs you, as do many many more people in this world, even though you may not be able to see that right now.

[FreeNow]

Hensley258,

 

I had a wife like yours. We had children too. She also did that hot/cold BS.

 

It IS pure hell but I promise you that if you work through the pain it does eventually get better. At times I thought I was going to lose it... couldn't go on another second. If it weren't for being in therapy, I know I wouldn't have coped as well. Now, years later, it is so much better and I'm even glad I divorced her. The children are so much happier now. There is hope hensley258, there is a lot of hope after this woman is out of your life. She'll slowly kill you inside if you let her. Resist what she's doing to you. Cut her out of your heart for your own sake.

 

I feel your pain... I've been there. Hold on and stay strong for your child; it does get better over time!

[cyabye]

"steadfast" It will be near impossible for me to shut down all contact with my wife. Right now I take our 9 year old daughter 7 days and she gets her 7 days. 50/50 joint visitation as she agreed to. We have events, school, after school care and such that my wife and I must know about to share info. This sucks and I wish I could just never look or hear from her again.

 

We both are trying to do this divorce 100% on our own because there is really nothing to contest. We both have a negitiive net worth and the house she left me with is 7 years old and is now worth 30K less than what it could ever sell for. I have chose to stay in it and pay the morguage so my daughter has her dogs and home she loves with her school near her friends. Naturally my wife got an Apt and doesn't want the house and it's ugly debt, but she will have to remain on the loan because I can not refinance due to my poor credit.

 

I actually want her to stay on the loan for the house because she has a 760 credit score that she adores. This gives me leverage because if she screws with our deal I will put this house in forclosure and watch her score drop 350 points. She won't be able to buy a shoe box with a 480 credit score. So she must trust I make the payments. Short sale also destroys credit so she knows that is no option. I plan to refinance and get her off after the divorce is complete.

 

I even got her to enter and sign NO CHILD SUPPORT and joint custody. Her income matches mine and she knows I'm always buying things for my daughter to take care of her. I don't make that much and with one child her support payment wouldn't be that high anyway and she knows it.

 

We are doing this using a state of TN divorce kit at home. Once completed and signed we give it to the court clerk to process. If I get a hard ass for men lawar involved and she gets a Lawer then we both lose because the cost for each of us would be insane after all the fighting. Lawers love to fight on your dime. My friend spent 18K on his divorce lawer. (No thanks to that kind of cash I don't have)

 

If I can get out of this with no child support and joint custody, and this house then I win big time. I'm just trying to play it as if she is the one thats winning.

 

We had a verbal agreement that she not bring any men she dates around our daughter unless it's been a long term serious relationship. She may break this rule, but I let her know that if she does I may not be able to honor keeping another woman away from our daughter. She doesn't want another female infuance around our daughter so this gives me leverage. I will know if she breaks this deal because my Daughter is a huge blabber mouth.

 

It only been 10 weeks and my wife is high gear fired up to get this divorce super fast. I think she thinks that the desolution of the marriage will somehow eliminate something inside her, but it won't. It's just the end of a contract. It's like she's in this hurry to run from something. 10 weeks is a very short seperation before divorce. She thinks it will make her feel better, but to me she seems happy and fine already. She got to get out happy and care free and myself and my daughter suffer so bad. It's not fair that I should have all the burden of heartbreak and emotion and she gets to enjoy her life.

 

I hope what you said about an eventual turn of fortune for her as time passes is true. I move up and she with her low morals and lack of integerity and honor come back to push her down to feel the same pain she has caused me.

 

I hate that bitch for what she did. We weren't that bad together and a simple "Jim I want to get help together so we can be happy." is all it would have taken, but she is the silent treatment type. (the worst of all)

She led me to think all was well.

 

Deleted...

Edited December 20, 2010 by cyabye

[Steadfast]

And Steadfast, just because there are two sides to every cheating story does not validate a cheater's selfish and degrading decisions to cheat. The BS's side of the story always counts regardless if he/she was an azzhole in the marriage. Cheaters deserve nothing when they throw away invested years of marriage and kids for a 10-minute orgasm.

 

I agree, but my post regarding YGG's comments served its purpose. The best outcome, I would think, is for posters of this board to write accurate, factual information...no matter how painful. The path to healing begins with being absolutely honest; both to yourself and to us. Better advise can be given when those responding are aware of what's truly happening.

 

I'll say it again; early in a broken marriage it's normal for the betrayed to feel guilt for the (real or perceived) mistakes they made. I recall being absolutely filled with grief for the things I didn't do for my wife during our marriage. Three years later that still creeps in to make me wonder.

 

It's hard to stand uo for what's right and love yourself when you're filled with doubt. Best to sort this out first. The best foundation is honesty.

[Steadfast]

Now it's all back and I'm a mess. I can't stop crying. My marriage really is over and I feel my life is also. I can't F***ing do this anymore. I can't even take care of myself now, how do I take care of my daughter? I hate her for this! I had to put up that damn tree tonight with my daughter that we used to do together and I found stuff me made with all our names on them and then my wifes Xmas stocking. I just keep falling apart and I can't do this anymore. She broke my heart so bad and I hate her for it!

 

In the Old Testament book of 1st. Samuel, Israel wanted a king 'like the other nations'. This was causing Samuel great grief. God told Samuel to help them and explained; "They haven't rejected you Samuel, they have rejected Me." My point is, even God the creator has experienced and dealt with the heartbreak of rejection. Can we be shocked or expect to be above it? Man has freewill Hensley. The choices aren't often wise ones.

 

But they are ours to make. On the bright side? You're in good company.

 

I know the heartbreak you're feeling. The biggest thing that got me through was knowing my kids needed me. More than anytime in my life I was in a position of critical leadership. It was a hard test...the hardest, most difficult thing I had ever dealt with. But, I made/am making it through, as have many others. To begin healing, one must realize that this does happen, that it has happened to you, and that you must love yourself if you are to love those that depend on you. That is your new foundation.

 

And in case you think I had it easy, understand that on top of my failed marriage/cheating wife/divorce I was financially devastated with massive debt, a bad job, and crappy transportation. Then my father died. Not fun.

 

In time I realized she wasn't the heart of our home...I was. My kids grew to know it too. Just yesterday (three years post D-Day) my 17-YO daughter and I were out Christmas shopping, and out of the blue she said "Daddy, it's so much fun doing this with you! Mom always gets mad and ruins it, but you are so sweet, and happy, and strong. Thank you dad!"

 

See Hensley, my wife didn't just treat me badly, she treats everyone she's supposed to 'love' that way. Only the surface relationships get her smiles, ass wiggle and laughing eyes. That's the girl I fell in love with. A mirage.

 

I'm the heart of our family. The price is steep and the work is hard, but worth it. Apply small steps, right choices, forgiveness and direction. Gain strength by taking care of one problem at a time. Rest, eat, exercise and don't make 'special days' like Christmas more than they really are. Just another day in the grand scheme. To your kid, you're the special thing.