I'm lost and close to death

[IfiKnewThen]

ug typos. i meant to say when i LOST him i feel i lost everything. sorry for above typo

[Surfer203]

I can imagine how hard the holidays have been/will be. I really feel your pain.. I know how you feel. If there is one thing I can say.. it's "don't give up, ever!" You have kids, you have to stay strong - you will get though this. I know the intense pain of being without your wife and not knowing why she left really or what went wrong. Just keep being a good Dad and things will fall in to place with time. Giving you my best - take care.

[FreeNow]

To do such quick turn arounds suggests to me that she might have a mental condition. Bi-polar?

 

Borderline Personality Disorder is another possibility.

 

She could just be really, really, really, really selfish too...

 

 

Hang in there Hensley258! (((man hug)))

[IfiKnewThen]

wow noticed more typos. and want to make the correction

 

typo ---> and please forgive me when i say its great but not even.

 

meant to say...i too have -0- support. i mean -0-. that's why i have come here. and please forgive me when i say its great here but not even this is enough support in the grand scheme of things, when you need people nearby.

 

ok thank you sorry about that

[hensley258]

i can say for sure that she has no remorse at all. As for working on the marriage.....That can't be done because she refuses to talk to me about any topic other than our daughter or the pending divorce.

 

This is our first and only seperation and I am quite sure will be the only one. I don't think she is bipolar, but rather just seriously selfish and cold.

 

My theory is that after 10 years with me, she was suddenly taken by this new feeling that we all get from being with a new love intrest. My wife and I had that same new exciting feeling for months after we met, but it is later replace with a deeper love.

 

This fact has completly destroyed her best judgment and the importance of family and the mental health of our 9 year old daughter. With past new loves in my life I have felt this new and exciting feeling also, but it's no replacement for all the great memories and the deeper love of marriage.

 

She is blind to this fact and if there is a God she will reap what she has sowed. Please God let her reap massive pain because of her actions.

 

I have 100 close friends, but unfortunatly they live in my hometown of Dearborn, MI. Calls are nice, but are no real distraction from my pain.

[Sadandlonely71]

I've been separated for going on two months...it's hell and it hurts like a bugger. All of the advise that you are being provided here is good. There is no easy answer and you will have good days/bad days. Focus on yourself (caring for yourself, eating right, exercising, doing things you like, spending time with family/friends)...you will come out of this a stronger person (with her or without her). I'm still in the midst of this myself and it's a hard Christmas...just hang in there. We're not the first people to go through this and sadly, we won't be the last.

[FreeNow]

My theory is that after 10 years with me, she was suddenly taken by this new feeling that we all get from being with a new love intrest. My wife and I had that same new exciting feeling for months after we met, but it is later replace with a deeper love.

 

In my opinion, your theory is correct. Remember, she will never be able to achieve or at least sustain that deeper love with the other guy as it will always be in the back of her mind what a sham the love she now offers really is. Because of what she's done, she could not trust the love of another either.

 

She is blind to this fact and if there is a God she will reap what she has sowed.

 

I don't think she's necessarily blind, rather, in outright rebellion against G*d by chasing her own foolish desires with utter disregard for others. She will reap what she has sown.

[Surfer203]

Hensley: My wife was in a similar situation. She realied "wow - my husband was amazing, what the F*** am I doing with this other guy?" and she came back to me. I feel the same.. she was blinded by the excitement of being with a new person, but soon that will fade and it may be too late, you may have moved on. Do what you have to, to get through this hard time. For me it meant telling my wife that I am moving on without her. Sure enough.. 2 weeks later she was asking me to come back and work things out. I am not saying your situation will work out this way, but you need to move on for you and your daugter. Take care of yourself pal.

[IfiKnewThen]

surfer i am so happy for you. hensley..you never know..maybe someday this will be your situation too. but you both have to work on it. but sometimes it takes one working a bit hard to see to show the other they are sincere and not the blaming type. i get it that sufer's wife came back after 2 weeks. better chances in the beginning. but ANYTHING is still possible. shes not remarried yet. thats all i have to say

[Surfer203]

Thanks! The way I saw it was that I needed to give it my all for as long as I could emotionally bare.. that was about 1.5 months. At that point I reached my end and told her I was moving on with my life. 2 weeks later she was back. During the initial 1.5 months I tried my hardest to convince her, be sweet but nothing worked. I could not convince her, I guess she had to realize on her own - just as everyone on LS mentioned. I don't know how it would have went if I just let her go right of of the bat. She probably would not be back with me though.

 

So, Hensley give it your all until you can't do it anymore. Tell her you are moving on and then DO IT. Don't look back. If she decides to return then you can work on things from there. If not, work on yourself and your relationship with your daughter.

[IfiKnewThen]

to me i think this is the best approach surfer. it fact i might make it my new mantra.

 

 

DO IT ALL TILL YOU CANT DO IT ANYMORE. THEN MOVE ON.

 

 

 

PERFECT! THIS IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO SAY SO MANY TIMES. i wish i did my all i didnt. sometimes we think we did it all. and there was still something lacking. and we drag our heals with pride and fear. fear ruling us.

 

so so true surfer. so true.

[Surfer203]

Thanks.. it worked for me. I did not know it would. I really thought I was done and moving on, had divorce papers ready! Sure enough, it worked. Best of luck with whatever direction you take, every relationship/person will call for different action.

[hensley258]

I think in your case this method worked mostly because it had only been a couple weeks. It's been 3 months now in my case and if I were to tell her I was moving on her response would simply be "well that great, I'm glad you found yourself."

 

You also have to have to appriciate when I tell you my wife is cold that she is ice cold toward me. I honestly do not think there is anything left of me in her.

 

In the 1% chance that she says she wants to come back then I would first insist that she prove her loyalty and love for me in 100 different ways first. I could not just take her back and watch her leave again in a day or two.

 

I try not to think about her coming back because that idea is so far against the odds. In my life I have been with many women, but never one so cold as this. At this point for me to bow down and beg such as I did in the begining will only give her more motivation to move on.

 

I think showing her an I couldn't give a damn attitude is the best policy right now. She is a shark and if she smells blood and weakness she will eat me alive.

[Steadfast]

Hensley, at the risk of repeating myself, certain decisions greatly helped me through the early phases of breakup. Again, if I'm retyping things I've already written it's because they are important. This mindset, or attitude really enabled this devastated husband who deeply loved his wife, to cope.

 

There are several reasons why your wife is being cold to you now, but I maintain it is out of some kind of misguided devotion to her boyfriend. Women have a peculiar way of dealing out rejection, the most common leaves no doubt as to their feelings and attitudes towards you. Emotionally slamming the door in your face is her method Hensley. She's not thinking about the long term ramifications of her actions, but cheaters rarely do.

 

But these are her issues. Don't get in the way. Stay out of it.

 

My first steps to healing came when I accepted my situation. Like your wife, my wife's love was hers to give; not mine to take. Getting over the anger of betrayal is trickier, but I did it logically. I could not changer her or her mind (and believe me, I tried) so I decided if I could not make the pain go away, I would go away from the pain. That meant emotionally and physically letting her go and doing all I could to function as a father, employee and a person. To heal. I also realized that my bitterness for her was eating me alive, so I let that go too. Easier said than done, as the process of reprogramming my brain and heart took several months.

 

I prayed. Not for a recon, but just for her, and amazing things happened.

 

Initially, I would gain comfort knowing she would suffer for making me suffer. Seeing her down and sad (after I stopped communicating) gave me a boost, but one day this thought occurred to me; if her sadness brings me joy, what will her happiness bring? At that point, her actions lost their power over me and real healing began. As a side note, my post-divorce dating went a lot better as I was truly dealing with my ex in the right way.

 

Three years later, I still love her. Understand Hensley, I don't wish to be married to her (or any cheater) but I don't pretend. I am free because I truly act based on how I feel. She knows I don't hate her, but she also knows that whatever chance we had of saving our marriage is now gone. The kids love her, and even though she predicted that I would, she is astounded that I didn't try to turn them against her. She started it, but truly believed in her heart that I would/could not finish it. She was wrong.

 

People, not just women, are attracted to strength. It's easy to be happy when everything's going your way, much harder when things aren't. This is the test of character. We all like to win, to come out on top. You can if you apply yourself. There is something intrinsically right about taking someone's best shot and still be standing when the dust clears. In addition, the way she sees and reacts to you in the future will help restore your self-esteem and confidence. I can almost guarantee that at some point she'll be attracted to you again. Deal with that when or if it happens. Regardless, you may not have her heart but you'll have her respect.

[FreeNow]

She is a shark and if she smells blood and weakness she will eat me alive.

 

I married her soul souless sister so I know exactly what you mean! That particular shark is my now exwife...

[IfiKnewThen]

steadfast i just want to add something to your advise...

 

quote steadfast..People, not just women, are attracted to strength. It's easy to be happy when everything's going your way, much harder when things aren't. This is the test of character. We all like to win, to come out on top. You can if you apply yourself. There is something intrinsically right about taking someone's best shot and still be standing when the dust clears. In addition, the way she sees and reacts to you in the future will help restore your self-esteem and confidence. I can almost guarantee that at some point she'll be attracted to you again. Deal with that when or if it happens. Regardless, you may not have her heart but you'll have her respect.

 

 

i really agree with this. but i want to add that you can be kind and strong and not argue. i am sensing lots of arguing might go on between you guy. (dont know of course) standing up to her and saying &**() you isnt the greatest sign of strength. try to remain calm..(even in the storm) in front of her...and dont go all disrespectful...even if she is being a jerk.

 

 

taking someones best shot and still standing...doesnt mean "fighting back". it means you cant knock me down. at least thats how i am interpreting that. but an attitude now is not gonna help. so try to refrain from that. you can be strong and firm without being an A$$ too. thats my two cents. not that i think you are doing that at ALL. but when you get angry like this over what you feel shes done to you...being all demonstrative about it...can backfire. i am NOT saying kiss butt. i am saying dont thow rocks...say calm....i really think thats the only way she will pay attention to you.

[robf1971]

tell her I was moving on her response would simply be "well that great, I'm glad you found yourself."

.

 

Of course she would say that if you told her your moving on. She can see that you are in love with her and knows that you are there as a soft landing if OM dumps her. In fact this is a massive ego boost to her, 2 guys lusting after her.

 

Only way to change things is to keep your mouth shut and act like your moving on. Actions speak volumes, much more than words.

 

She needs to be thinking,

 

Why isn't Hensley responding to my texts?

Why isn't Hensley picking up the phone to me?

Why is Hensley going out more?

Why are people telling me he looks so happy?

Why isn't Hensley acting like a lovesick puppy anymore?

 

Truth is you don't do this to win your wife back, you do all this for you, to get your life back, and if wifey comes sniffing back at your door it's a bonus. You need to put on the act of your life, but after a while you won't have to even fake it anymore.

 

At a certain point she is going to try and test your resolve, to see if it's all an act. Do not let her suck you into any arguments, just agree with her even if she's talking BS. If you get angry with her it will justify her crap decisions to leave you even more.

 

If she talks to you in a disrespectful tone or manner, just hold up your hand and say "stop" I'm happy to listen to you if you speak to me in a civil and respectful manner otherwise this conversation is over, and walk away.

 

Trust me she will go ape sh*t when you do this the first few times, i bet she even threatens to call the cops, or take your kids away from you. Just walk away. She will be p*ssed that you are not being a doormat anymore. This is how you regain her respect.

 

One day this Mr Wonderful OM is going to show his true colours (they never last) she will come running back to you as the better option. at this point you make her crawl over broken glass to get you back.

[Surfer203]

I can attest to that.. the OM will slip up and reveal the dirt bag he really is. Any one that is willing to cheat and contribute in destroying a marriage is hiding something, or a bad person in general. It is only a matter of time until it comes out.

[trippi1432]

Hensley - was catching up on your thread....lots going on with your situation and I am truly sorry for you and your daughter. Going through this away from friends and family, I know that has got to be hard as well. As a suggestion, and something I tried when my exH left, you should be able to find a Divorce Care support group nearby. They are typically located in churches, but you do not need to be a member of the church to attend in most cases. It's a very good support group and meets weekly.

 

As a note, there are also Divorce Care classes for children to help them deal with their feelings too. It's not as much therapy as it is learning coping skills.

 

Right now, you are full of anger....I can relate to that...and it will come and go in stages. While it may sometimes feel vindicated for people to support you in that anger as some here on LS have chosen to do, it's not very conducive to your healing and supporting your daughter's feelings as well. Not in this case and juncture of your separation because after anger comes remorse in many cases.

 

As I stated before in a previous post, you need to go NC immediately with her to stop these mind games (either the ones she is pulling as well as the ones you may just be perceiving due to the anger). Basically, you need to calm down and quit letting her control your emotions right now...you need to take back that control.

 

Ignore everything and anything that she says or does right now that does not pertain to your child. When you are able to get a handle on that, you will be able to see the picture of whether this is something that can be worked on...or if it's time to move on. Regaining that control of your emotions is for you to be able to work on you and set goals for you and your daughter. If your wife wants to see herself in that picture, then she will come around, if not...you will be in a better place.

 

Wow...I wish I could have given myself my own advice back when my exH was playing mind games and throwing jabs....oh wait...I got that advice from other LS'rs... Thanks all!!

Edited December 28, 2010 by trippi1432

[hensley258]

Well, Mrs. Ice cold had a break down after her 3 month affare that nearly destroyed me. Of course I got a call with her blubbering and crying about how she screwed everything up. (guess mr perfect turned out to be an ass) she asks me to come over so I did only to find out more. She attacks me and pulls me to the bed room and I said no. She is trying to get me back with sex. Trust me I really wanted to. . . . I told her if she wants me back to spend time proving herself to me. After 3 days she calmed down and has done nothing

to prove her love. On the flip side by pure chance a few weeks ago I met a woman that is beyond any expectation I ever had. Not like the women I had dated before. She is so warm and affectionate. She was raised with morals and we both enjoy the same things. Our feelings are mutual and she is such a great communicator. We see alot of each other now and while this is very soon I can't deny it. I may never find another beautiful nurse that is 35 and has no children. Lives only 2 miles away also. She has a huge heart and is everything my ex wife isn't. (yes I call my cheat wife my ex wife) I'm happy and that's all that matters.

[IfiKnewThen]

:-O hensley wowwwwwww. this is a complete turn around! wow. speechless. glad for you. i mean the whole this is tragic how when one is ready the other is not---how we hurt each other etc. etc. but you met someone. wow. so happy to see when all seems lost...some things can turn around down the road.

[Steadfast]

I'm happy and that's all that matters.

 

In your case, I believe that's true. We all must do what's needed to make it through, but red flags are flying everywhere because this situation smacks of desperation. Wise decisions are rarely made by desperate minds Hensley.

 

Here's hoping you find the light switch and flip it on. The sooner, the better.

[BlindRage]

Wow Hensley, congrats! I actually wondered why you hadn't updated this thread. (I thought you had gotten back to your EX-wife) I'm glad that you seem to have moved on. It gives me hope that even though I love my ex very much theres a more compatible girl out there for me.

[Goldenspoon]

to prove her love. On the flip side by pure chance a few weeks ago I met a woman that is beyond any expectation I ever had.

 

How did you meet her?

 

By the way, you go boy!

[hensley258]

Steadfast, Trust me I know what your thinking. "3 months and i'm already starting a new relationship?" In a way you are correct, I had plans to stay single and alone for a year. In any female dating situation I can let them go in a second because of no compatability or attraction or maybe location, but in this case for the first time in my life prior or after my wife I found a woman that hits the bulls eye dead on.

 

We both like and dis-like the exact same things. She is level headed, educated, VERY attractive, loves to talk and ask questions. Everyone always says, "this is the one." well I don't know that yet, but what I do know is that she is so perfect for me and so like minded. Very conservative with high moral values and loads of integirety. Sweet as apple pie and very giving.

 

Am I going to dump her just because my wife left 3 months ago? No way my friend. She's too good a catch and I may never find one this good.

My switch is on, trust me about that.

 

I met her on Match.com so we were paired together using a system of compatability that in our case seems to work. My ex knows about her and could honestly care less and never brings up the subject. Remember that 3 days my ex was all over me? It's not because she wants me and our family back....all that crying was simply her feeling sorry for herself because OM didn't work out. (the ex said she dumped him because he was trying to control her too much) maybe and maybe not who cares why.

 

Both myself and this new woman admitted we are starting to fall in love with each other and for me it is a little odd because I still love my wife as the mother of my child, but I may always love my Ex wife in some ways. That's life and you just don't stop loving a person even when years pass.

 

I would be a fool to pine again for her. She still has no concept of loyalty or even what she wants. NO WAY.