I'm lost and close to death

[IfiKnewThen]

honestly hensley. this doesnt sound bad to me or reboundish. it sounds decent, honestly.

 

what a stark contrast from the beginning of this thread. so amazing. you must be relieved not to feel like you did in the beginning. re-read your own post. you are doing pretty darn good there.

 

is amazing what being cared for and caring can do to someone. and the icing on he cake is, it feels good enough to resemble love

 

and theres real attraction. wow.

[IfiKnewThen]

ps. imagine if someone told you that by page 9 of your thread...you would possibly find your match.

 

would you have EVER believed it?

 

none of us would

[Steadfast]

I have no desire to rain on your parade Hensley, nor do I believe that people are meant to be alone. Experience does suggest however, that it is far too soon for you to be involved in another relationship. For the vast majority, three-months post breakup finds us continuing on somewhat of a spiral. Speaking personally, I too was told it would take two-years or so to start feeling 'normal' again (whatever that is) and at the time I hated hearing it. But, I can say now those projections were pretty accurate.

 

You may not see this woman as a rebound, but that is exactly what it is. In your state of heightened awareness and emotional shock, the love you are receiving from this woman probably feels like a godsend. In some ways, it is...knowing you are still attractive and desirable can work wonders for someone who has been romantically rejected. I do understand Hensley.

 

I lived it. I rebounded. When it ended, I had more problems than before. Worst of all, it was unfair to her because she was a very nice person.

 

You must understand that I am not a know all, and this is offered to you as my opinion only. This new woman very well may be the love of your life, but -as percentages go- she probably isn't. You are starved or affection, and to the starving anything tastes good. No disrespect intended, but I really have to wonder about a person who gets involved with a married man. You are married Hensley, legally if nothing else, and no matter how wonderful this woman is she is taking a bigger risk than even you are.

 

Friend, you think you know. You don't. You can't. It is not possible, in my opinion to resolve your emotional issues in the current time frame. Regardless, I do wish you the best. Healing takes time. Don't rush it.

[Distant78]

I have no desire to rain on your parade Hensley, nor do I believe that people are meant to be alone. Experience does suggest however, that it is far too soon for you to be involved in another relationship. For the vast majority, three-months post breakup finds us continuing on somewhat of a spiral. Speaking personally, I too was told it would take two-years or so to start feeling 'normal' again (whatever that is) and at the time I hated hearing it. But, I can say now those projections were pretty accurate.

 

You may not see this woman as a rebound, but that is exactly what it is. In your state of heightened awareness and emotional shock, the love you are receiving from this woman probably feels like a godsend. In some ways, it is...knowing you are still attractive and desirable can work wonders for someone who has been romantically rejected. I do understand Hensley.

 

I lived it. I rebounded. When it ended, I had more problems than before. Worst of all, it was unfair to her because she was a very nice person.

 

You must understand that I am not a know all, and this is offered to you as my opinion only. This new woman very well may be the love of your life, but -as percentages go- she probably isn't. You are starved or affection, and to the starving anything tastes good. No disrespect intended, but I really have to wonder about a person who gets involved with a married man. You are married Hensley, legally if nothing else, and no matter how wonderful this woman is she is taking a bigger risk than even you are.

 

Friend, you think you know. You don't. You can't. It is not possible, in my opinion to resolve your emotional issues in the current time frame. Regardless, I do wish you the best. Healing takes time. Don't rush it.

 

Such good advice. I suggest you kindly take heed to this Hensley. I was in the same spot also after I left my cheating ex-wife. It feels good doesn't it? But in the end, you'll only hurt yourself more. You need time by yourself to heal. Sometimes being by yourself is a positive for your state of mind. It will be a hard process but after the conditioning, you'll come out stronger than before. Remember we know what you're going through.

[hensley258]

I have no desire to rain on your parade Hensley, nor do I believe that people are meant to be alone. Experience does suggest however, that it is far too soon for you to be involved in another relationship. For the vast majority, three-months post breakup finds us continuing on somewhat of a spiral. Speaking personally, I too was told it would take two-years or so to start feeling 'normal' again (whatever that is) and at the time I hated hearing it. But, I can say now those projections were pretty accurate.

 

You may not see this woman as a rebound, but that is exactly what it is. In your state of heightened awareness and emotional shock, the love you are receiving from this woman probably feels like a godsend. In some ways, it is...knowing you are still attractive and desirable can work wonders for someone who has been romantically rejected. I do understand Hensley.

 

I lived it. I rebounded. When it ended, I had more problems than before. Worst of all, it was unfair to her because she was a very nice person.

 

You must understand that I am not a know all, and this is offered to you as my opinion only. This new woman very well may be the love of your life, but -as percentages go- she probably isn't. You are starved or affection, and to the starving anything tastes good. No disrespect intended, but I really have to wonder about a person who gets involved with a married man. You are married Hensley, legally if nothing else, and no matter how wonderful this woman is she is taking a bigger risk than even you are.

 

Friend, you think you know. You don't. You can't. It is not possible, in my opinion to resolve your emotional issues in the current time frame. Regardless, I do wish you the best. Healing takes time. Don't rush it.

 

Looks like in a few ways you may be right, but it's not me being unfair to this new girlfriend. Don't ask me why, but for the first few weeks she was on fire for me unfortunatly she is now acting funny and distant.

 

Hard to understand why because I treated her with respect, affection, attention, understanding and honesty. This is typical of every relationship in my life. Everytime I treat a Woman well I end up getting crushed.

 

It's as if Women has some ability to sense that you want them and once they know you do they slam you to the ground. I know other men that treat the woman in their life like garbage and they respond by growing even closer to these men.

 

Perhaps my approach needs to change. I don't want to treat my next girlfriend like garbage, but I almost feel it's the only way to attract a Woman and keep her interested.

 

I hate having to play mind games like that in a relationship, but the fact is Woman seem to respond better to this approach.

 

PS: If starting a new relationship only 3 Months after a seperation can not work then how can you explain my wife starting a relationship the day she walked out the door? Her relationship seems to be working and she literally went from me to him in one night. (Trust me I have proof it happened that fast) She seems to be doing just dandy now with her so called "rebound." I would say she is proof that it can work.

Edited January 9, 2011 by hensley258

[hitbyatruck]

Hensley. Firstly, as was mentioned way back in this thread, your wife had most likely begun the process of leaving you well before the day she physically walked out the door. For anybody to go from one relationship to the next, physically or emotionally before the last one has been resolved shows to me, a needy person. Just like with my relationship, it is probable that your wife has merely gone from a marriage with co-dependency issues to an affair partner or rebound who she currently feels her needs are being fully met by. Thick fog will do this. Anybody unhappy in a marriage who runs to the arms of another is gutless in my opinion. It creates the greatest inequity - that is, the betrayed has emotional and physical solitude thrust upon them whilst the betrayer, the one who most needed time by themselves runs headlong into the next relationship. That's why it called cheating - it's breaking the rules!

 

I am truly sad that after more than 10 years my ex didn't get to discover what being single was like - even for a day! I guess that sums up her need - she couldn't leave one man before finding the next.

 

Hensley, you don't NEED your wife. Absence of need = independence = strength = attractiveness. Show your wife this consistently and in time she may be attracted to you again in the way she first was. I wouldn't wait for it though, nor count on it, but if it happens then YOU have the next move.

 

You also don't NEED to start a new relationship yet - 3 months is too early given the way you felt when you started posting some weeks ago. It is possible that your new lady has sensed that you are not fully over your wife and has cooled. Even if you think you are not showing it, if you have told her then she'll be wondering how often you think of your wife.

 

Have fun, be casual, put some Teflon around that heart - just for a while - you'll know when to take it off, it will just feel right at the time, or so I have been told - I'm not there yet but I know what to do to get there.

 

Take care & don't rush.

[hitbyatruck]

That being said, losing the intimacy, comfort & companionship of a long relationship will see you searching again - it's probably what you miss, not her personally but her role as a partner who enabled you to feel those warm emotions.

 

Single life can be lonely. The worst thing a person who has had their heart broken could do is break the heart of their next partner because they hadn't fully healed first.

[trippi1432]

Looks like in a few ways you may be right, but it's not me being unfair to this new girlfriend. Don't ask me why, but for the first few weeks she was on fire for me unfortunatly she is now acting funny and distant.

 

Hard to understand why because I treated her with respect, affection, attention, understanding and honesty. This is typical of every relationship in my life. Everytime I treat a Woman well I end up getting crushed.

 

It's as if Women has some ability to sense that you want them and once they know you do they slam you to the ground. I know other men that treat the woman in their life like garbage and they respond by growing even closer to these men.

 

Perhaps my approach needs to change. I don't want to treat my next girlfriend like garbage, but I almost feel it's the only way to attract a Woman and keep her interested.

 

I hate having to play mind games like that in a relationship, but the fact is Woman seem to respond better to this approach.

 

PS: If starting a new relationship only 3 Months after a seperation can not work then how can you explain my wife starting a relationship the day she walked out the door? Her relationship seems to be working and she literally went from me to him in one night. (Trust me I have proof it happened that fast) She seems to be doing just dandy now with her so called "rebound." I would say she is proof that it can work.

 

Hensley, the right women do not respond to this approach. Healthy relationships are not about power trips, control or mind games. What your wife is doing to you is crap, understood, but you need to take some time to find perspective of what you truly want in your next relationship. What didn't work in this one you don't want a repeat of the next one. This is why people here are saying to take it slow and work on yourself.

 

What happened with this new woman? Did you talk too much to her about your ex? Did you compare her to your ex or compare her constantly in saying how different she was than your ex? Comparing is a huge red flag when you are trying to move on too quickly. What you might think of as a compliment, she most likely wouldn't have heard it that way. Just a few weeks out the gate and already telling each other that you are falling in love, that's pretty quick....the thing is, SLOW DOWN!! Rome wasn't built in a day and your next LTR is not going to happen overnight.

 

I know it's hard when your ex moves right on to the next relationship without batting an eyelash, my ex-husband has been in his for well over a year now and they are getting married. Emotionally, he checked out of our marriage way before he left, affair fog has lifted and he will most likely stay in that relationship for a very long time. My hope is that he does because he did treat me like garbage and I would never have him back. That is why I say that if you go down the path that you need to change your approach and treat women like garbage, the ones that have been treated that way and are looking for a good guy will run.

[hensley258]

No in fact I never mentioned my seperated wife around my Girlfriend unless it was something related to my daughter as in schedule or something. I never down talked my wife around her either because that would show my New Girlfriend that I still cared about my wife and was holding a tourch.

 

My wife abandond everything and I am simply stuck paying for all The house payment, Home equity loan, and utilities, all of which are in her name too. Now on top of taking that load from her she wants child support and custodial rights to our one daughter even though I am paying for her sports and I have my daughter more time than she has her.

 

Everything has been left on ME and for ME to pay. I even have to give her and extra 200 a month for shut up money or else she starts to threaten to take my daughter away from me permenently.

 

She has the upper hand because we live in TN. and in this Red state they always side 100% of the time with the Mother. Not only that, but with pulling the load I am now there is no money for me to get a Lawer so I must play her game as she kicks back in a cheap 500 dollar a month apartment that allows her a ton of excess cash at the end of the month because she earns the same amount of money I earn.

 

Her and her friends are now smoking weed around my daughter and there is not a damn thing I can do about it. (I do not do drugs but I can smell it when I pick my daughter up and I can tell my wife is high)

 

This is the system in TN. The Woman gets full rights because she is the mother and damn be the dad. If I were still in Michigan I could crush her.

[Surfer203]

Hensley: Regarding your wife's new relationship. It too will fail. My wife pulled the same crap, eventually she will realize that it is a relationship built on nothing more than lust and excitement. It will fade when she realizes that a man who is willing to be with a married woman is a piece of garbage and there is no possible way that he can be a good person. Your wife is misguided for some reason, she will snap out of it one day - but it may be too late.

 

I know what being stuck with all of the bills is like to. Document everything in case it goes to divorce.

 

Best of luck.

[norm28]

I'm in agreement with Surfer about her new relationship. My wife left me (although I left the house) for another man, a married man no less. She has been paying for trips, his bils, and God knows what else on him and moved him in with her and the kids. Yet 2 months later, he still hasn't filed for divorce. It won't last, he was not financially successful and is milking her for all the money he can. It doesn't matter, as I've come to grips with the fact that I'd rather live alone, comfortable with who I am then spend one more day with her. It's more complicated than that, but that's where I am.

 

My point is these affairs, especially when they are short ones, are built on lies and deceit, and indeed don't last. You have to do what's best for you and being willing to accept whatever the outcome is. it's true that some marriages come out the other side stronger than what they were before. I hope the outcome is whatever is best for you. Good luck.

[smilesalot1]

It's been 3 months now since my wife of 10 years left in a flash with another man. One day it was "honey I love you" and the next day after she left all night she was cold and said she didn't love me and was leaving.

 

She is 36 and I am 41. It was like a switch fliped off in her brain and she will hear no talk of returning. I can't take this anymore. I love my wife so much, but she has ran to another Man. My gut feels like it's been cut open to the top of my chest. I can't stop crying and I feel so alone:(

 

No question it is over. She already wants to fill out the divorce papers. My pain is so great I will not survive this. Suicided has already become a real option in my head. Everytime I see her to get my daughter I get hit again and again with pain. I have lost 40 Lbs and 4 waist sizes and I was not a big guy to start with.

 

I go days without eating. How will I ever make it past losing her and watching my 9 year old daughter ask why Mommy can be here with me?

This is not something I can see any man surviving. Myself included.

 

I know you hurt and can't even think about breathing, but you have to think of your daughter. I date a man that has been divorced for two years from his wife of 23 years and four children. She left him after having the man's baby that she is now married to. I know my boyfriend still hurts but now has a woman that loves him much deeper and honestly. To be honest, I sometimes think about leaving because my love offers so much and I don't feel I get the same in return. You have to get yourself out of depression for your daughter sake. Think about how much she wants you in her life. SUICIDE IS NOT AN OPTION. I don't know if your religious, but talk to God if you can. It helps.

[Goldenspoon]

I never down talked my wife around her either because that would show my New Girlfriend that I still cared about my wife and was holding a tourch.

 

Have the two of you slept together yet?

[Steadfast]

Nothing personal Hensley...this is after all just a discussion board and not real, live people talking things over with you. Just the same, those that take the time to post understand the turmoil you're going through. Those with experience -like myself- can relate. My advice is to take the advice.

 

Are you reading me?

 

It might seem like the whole world is against you, but self-pity isn't going to do you any good. Life isn't always easy and divorce is one of the toughest things to deal with there is. You must take a stand; threats or no threats. We make our own good fortune and failure is part of the process. Know this; you'll have a much better chance of making that stand a successful one if your motivation and intentions are honorable. Your wife's actions are not. She is selfish, don't be that. Just the same, if you need to complain and vent, this is the place to do it. Get it out and get on with it.

 

This is one reason why it isn't a good idea to start another relationship. One thing at a time. You don't need more problems. That is why I gave you the advice before. But! (big but) we all must learn in our own way.

 

Let the new woman go and remember her fondly for finding you attractive. Focus on your finances, your child's well being and set boundaries (both financial and emotional) then enforce them. Call the police, request to meet with an officer (serve him some coffee or a soda) and explain your concerns about your wife's drug use around your daughter. Do this today.

 

THINK Hensley. Act in the best interests of all involved (especially yourself) and grow the balls needed to stand up to your wife. Do not worry about her reaction. Make it so she is worried about yours. If you're mean, nasty or vindictive, she'll take it as spite. If you're cool, calm and confident, in time, she will come to respect your opinions and decisions.

 

Right and wrong are universal Hensley. No matter where you live.

Edited January 10, 2011 by Steadfast

[IfiKnewThen]

thats scares me. the pot smoking mom in front of her child. even if its not in front of her....this cant be good.

[hensley258]

thats scares me. the pot smoking mom in front of her child. even if its not in front of her....this cant be good.

 

You are right, and if I could just prove it. I live in TN which is a very conservative state and has very strict laws regarding pot. This proven in court could very well even get me full custody.

 

I wonder in court if suspision of use would be enough for them to order a drug screen. I know my wife would fail. If she failed then major gun powder for my attorney. I keep quiet about it when I pick my daughter up because I want the wife to keep smoking.

 

Then she makes my daughter sleep on the floor while her and her new man hop in bed! My daughter deserves a room of her own there with a bed.

 

Makes me sick and isn't crap I can do about it. I would NEVER have my daughter around a new woman I was dating. In fact I will not stay overnight with any woman I am dating because that is a No No thing to do in TN if your still married.

[hensley258]

Have the two of you slept together yet?

 

Yes, after two weeks me and this woman had sex. UGH, 10 years having sex with the same woman, boy was I horrible in bed with this new woman. (no wonder she dumped me.) It's like everything was in the wrong spot! LOL! Didn't stay the night.

 

It's weird making love to a new person for the first time in 10 years. I felt like a damn virgin.

[Goldenspoon]

Yes, after two weeks me and this woman had sex. UGH, 10 years having sex with the same woman, boy was I horrible in bed with this new woman. (no wonder she dumped me.) It's like everything was in the wrong spot! LOL! Didn't stay the night.

 

It's weird making love to a new person for the first time in 10 years. I felt like a damn virgin.

 

She is obviously not a good woman if she spread her legs after two weeks and dumped you solely for the fact that sex wasn't great.

[IfiKnewThen]

i am worried about the kids. forget tn. i know it matters in how things are viewed out that way, in the court system. but for NOW

 

 

wow this is harsh..but maybeeeeeeee

 

take a pic with your cell phone of when she smoking...if you ever see her doing it. be very discrete.

 

or believe it or not...talk to this woman about getting high with your child around. your child get get into the pot too accidently..depending on her age and ingest it.

 

while she and her dumb guy friend are getting high...they cant possibly be on their toes with your child in the house. and sleeping on the floor ..while they are being mindless is unacceptable.

 

i hate these laws that favor moms (though i am a woman) at all costs. its rediculous. and tn or not ..this IS a new world. TN better get over their thinking. sorry getting a tad bit upset here, with laws like that.

 

quote: I keep quiet about it when I pick my daughter up because I want the wife to keep smoking.

 

i get your objective here but..........sighs..the double edge sword here is...

 

trying to catch her in the act at your child's expense is not gonna be good for that child while youre waiting to catch her. your child then has to be at risk all around in the meantime. screening seems best but then again..your CHILD has to wait.

 

please try to find the answer...that hurts the least amount of people...your child being NUMBER ONE 1 ! i cant think of anything at the moment. but something tells me NUMBER ONE thing to do is get your child out of harms way first.

 

God bless good luck

[hensley258]

Well, that was it for me last week. She threatened to keep me from my child. Any hope of her 1 lawyer nice mutual divorce went out the window.

 

She is not aware, but last week I hired the absolute best for men only legal team in the entire mid-south. They only do divorce for men and nothing else. I went in and told them about the adultry and drugs and that my child is in a 450 SF apartment sleeping on the floor while OM has been spending nights there just weeks after my wife abandond the home and family unit.

 

My attorny is a Woman and she is going for it hard core and wants full custody for me and thinks she has a shot at it. Unknown to me is that my very conservitave state of TN doesn't favor Women that commit adultry and our drug laws here are very stiff, espesially when done around children.

 

She first got a court order for my wife to take a nail fiber drug screen that will detect her usage as far as 6 months back. She is having her served on the same day for shock effect. My daughter will be placed in my custody until she can prove she is drug free. (Good luck wife) because I know she will fail.

 

They are also doing a background check on this jerk she had her affare with. This guy is a big pot head so good chance he has a record. If he does she can forget about him ever being allowed around my daughter.

 

I also have my daughters home which is clean and orderly with her school close and her friends on the block. Her back yard and big bedroom, not a spot on the floor next to the bed my ex slut sleeps with her OM in, but a real home for a child.

 

This Thursday the bodies hit the floor when she is served all this at once. My attorney also wants child support and allomony from her since I will be taking all her home debt and our child.

 

I call it the shock and awe champaign. People tell me "that will be expensive." Yup, and my daughter is worth every penny. When she threatened to take my daughter that hurt the most, but to put icing on the cake she had to include telling me "I don't love you anymore." Ouch! Man I cant tell how hard it is to hear that from your wife of 10 years. It really punched me in the gut and tore my liver out. Hurts when you love a woman so much and she doesn't give a **** about you.

 

This Lawyer of mine said she is shooting high and going in hard so that when my wife is ready to strike a deal, I have the upper hand and can always go down. Go in low and she said then we have to fight just to keep you from being destroyed on the bottom.

 

About my poor performance in bed with that woman I was dating... She didn't leave because of that. She left because I was an idiot and was trying to rush the relationship. I guess I did rush everything with her because I'm not ready to date and I want a family back because I liked being a husband. Enough to make any single woman run like hell.

[YellowShark]

She is not aware, but last week I hired the absolute best for men only legal team in the entire mid-south. They only do divorce for men and nothing else. I went in and told them about the adultry and drugs and that my child is in a 450 SF apartment sleeping on the floor while OM has been spending nights there just weeks after my wife abandond the home and family unit....My attorny is a Woman and she is going for it hard core and wants full custody for me and thinks she has a shot at it...She first got a court order for my wife to take a nail fiber drug screen that will detect her usage as far as 6 months back. She is having her served on the same day for shock effect. My daughter will be placed in my custody until she can prove she is drug free. (Good luck wife) because I know she will fail.

 

SWEET!

 

And she will fail even if she inhaled the secondary pot smoke from the OM. Go get 'em hensley258! Shock and awe indeed!

[Steadfast]

This is encouraging. Now, you can truly say you're on the healing path.

 

Good to hear you coming clean about your state of mind too Hensley. It sounds like the introspection is bringing you some answers. Listen to it-

 

Proud of you!

[BlindRage]

Your ex-wife sounds like a jerk. Or maybe she's trying to hold on to her "youth" still. Good luck with your battle in this case. It's good to know you have good morals for what you teach your daughter, too bad the same cannot be said of (slutty ex's name here). I still cant comprehend why she would sleep in the bed over giving it to your daughter! That is so un-motherly like. Jeez

[2.50 a gallon]

Way to go hensley. For the time being concentrate on getting that child.

 

As to the sexaul performance, what you are going through is typical. If I may, prior to my marriage I was a player, with lots of experience. I went monogomous with the XW for a little under 2 years.

 

A month after the break up I had a revenge affair with an associate OM's wife. That was one of the hottest things I have ever done. So I assumed I was immediately back at the top of my game. Not so, Over the next year I had some good and even great trysts, but I also had some that were way below par. It just takes time to get it all the way back. Don't be discouraged and especially don't get desperate and pushy. The timing will come back to you, just relax and let it happen when it happens

[IfiKnewThen]

thanks for the update. the victor here should always be the child..

 

glad you have direction and purpose

 

good purpose. that child and your sanity