Author hensley258 Posted January 23, 2011 Author Share Posted January 23, 2011 Way to go hensley. For the time being concentrate on getting that child. As to the sexaul performance, what you are going through is typical. If I may, prior to my marriage I was a player, with lots of experience. I went monogomous with the XW for a little under 2 years. A month after the break up I had a revenge affair with an associate OM's wife. That was one of the hottest things I have ever done. So I assumed I was immediately back at the top of my game. Not so, Over the next year I had some good and even great trysts, but I also had some that were way below par. It just takes time to get it all the way back. Don't be discouraged and especially don't get desperate and pushy. The timing will come back to you, just relax and let it happen when it happens I think part of my poor performance was that I was nervous and so was she. Prior to my marriage at age 31 I was single and was having sex with two different women a week and I was relaxed and did great. Finding that relaxed single person in me now has been difficult. I find myself playing the nice guy which has only served to turn women away. This Thursday my wife gets served with the divorce papers and drug charges all at one time. This is the week I have my daughter so it works best. She is going to be in a rage. What do I do if she keeps calling me or comes to the house to raise hell? I have derailed her for two weeks letting her think I would agree to an amicable divorce in Feburary. Buying time so I could be first to serve with adultery and other charges. I wanted to be the plaintiff. This will come as a shock to her because she didn't think I had the money. For months I have been taking any extra cash and rather than using a bank just hiding the cash at home to fund this divorce. I have also been documenting dates and times on everything for future usage. I may not get full custody, but I will at least get joint with custodial rights. Then again who knows what the Judge will rule. Will he allow a child in an apartment with a proven drug user? He may, but I don't think so. I really hope this OM has a felony on his record. That would be the icing on the cake. Link to post Share on other sites
IfiKnewThen Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 i think i understand what youe REALLY trying to say..BUT lets HOPE this man is NOT a felon for your daughters sake!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author hensley258 Posted January 24, 2011 Author Share Posted January 24, 2011 That's why it's a good thing I have my daughter for the next 7 days. Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 Divorce is war of the worst kind. Your opponent, enemy at one time was your best friend and the one person on this planet that you loved the most. Your are correct your former best friend is going to go ballastic when she gets served. Be very careful around her after she is served, as from the way it sounds you have the high ground. But she can reverse this if she can find a reason to call the cops on you. Be leary of her And as lonely as you are you are going to have to stay single so she can't counter sue for adultry Link to post Share on other sites
Author hensley258 Posted January 24, 2011 Author Share Posted January 24, 2011 Divorce is war of the worst kind. Your opponent, enemy at one time was your best friend and the one person on this planet that you loved the most. Your are correct your former best friend is going to go ballastic when she gets served. Be very careful around her after she is served, as from the way it sounds you have the high ground. But she can reverse this if she can find a reason to call the cops on you. Be leary of her And as lonely as you are you are going to have to stay single so she can't counter sue for adultry oh I know she won't lay down without a fight. I'm just crossing my fingers that on Thursday morning when my lawyer asks the judge for a temp stay of my child only with me due to the drugs I saw in her apartment around my child that he will grant it and allow for a drug screen on the wife. I think since a child is involved he may take my word and allow it until she passes the drug screen, which I know for fact she will fail. If she fails I don't know what will happen. Maybe mandate that she proves clean before she can have my child back I guess or maybe mandate her to rehab of some type. With supervised visits with our daughter. Lets hope the judge allows it because that's my ace in the hold. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hensley258 Posted January 26, 2011 Author Share Posted January 26, 2011 Well, tomorrow at about 11:00am is when she is brought the papers in person to her work along with the judges decree that she can only see our daughter a couple days a week at a special place run by the county for short visitations. 24 hours later they are doing a nail fiber test that will determine her drug use. She will fail. From there I don't know how long it will be before she gets normal visitation. Court order also states that OM is not to be around my daughter. God, you guys in a way I feel bad. It will hurt my daughter not to see her mother in a natural setting. I don't want to hurt my daughter or even my wife like this, but I just can't chance drugs around my child. I'm afrade my 9 year old will hate me for life because of this. Not to mention my wife is really psycho and I could seriously see her trying to kill me for this. It will send her over the edge. I changed the locks and have the 12 guage at the ready (secure from my child) And this OM, who knows, I mean from what my wife has told me he's a real loose cannon. At 11:30 my phone will start ringing like crazy. I'm just going to shut it off. Understand she has not one clue about any of this at all. It's going to get real interesting real soon. Link to post Share on other sites
BlindRage Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 (edited) You know what hensley? Your wife shouldn't have been doing drugs in the first place (unless she is sick and is being medicated which I highly doubt that is the case). If she chose that path and even allows her daughter to witness its shameful. Your daughter wont hate you for this. Just go out and take your daughter places and have fun then watch a movie together. Go fishing and such (I still remember when I was younger going fishing with my dad) Show your daughter that even though this has happen your world is all about her. Yea, don't answer your wife when she calls, eventually she'll calm down anyways. Be a strong parent: keyword there PARENT. Show your daughter a positive role-model. Edited January 26, 2011 by BlindRage Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 Yes hensley, she will freak out. She may threaten you...say or do all kinds of crazy things. Then again, don't be surprised if her and her OM just disappear. If drugs are involved, he's highly paranoid. He may tell her 'it's them or me'. Fear is what she will feel, and the weight of what she's done will come crashing down on her. But you have no choice. She threw sewage in your face. You can't be blamed for washing it off. She did this. Not you. Words can't describe how proud I am of you hensley. You are saying and feeling the exact right things...those things that will carry you, and your daughter out of this mess and into a better life. More than anything, I am encouraged by your sadness. You're supposed to feel that way friend. It's OK. Don't feel bad about feeling bad. We're hard wired to avoid trouble and pain. And this is painful, but necessary because her choices dictated it. If you were happy about it, or excited, that would reveal a sadistic nature that would eventually claim you, and place you exactly where she is now. It may be hard to imagine, but I'd wager that someday, your ex wife will thank you. Daughters need their mothers, and yours is no different. Be confident, show no weakness and always make the next right. Link to post Share on other sites
dolphinity Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 I hate to be blunt here but seriously...You have a daughter, you are her daddy, you have to put her before your own self. How can you put her mother down when you are thinking of checking out, that would be a way worse thing to do to your daughter. My God she has lost her mommy on some level. YOU are her hero, you are her Daddy. Man she flippen needs you. That is so selfish of you, do you love your little girl? Take her to the movies, shopping, go to a park. We girls cherish moments like that with our daddys. WAKE UP! You have been given a gift that you are responsible for, it is not your wifes responsibility, if she is not going to be there for her, it becomes your complete responsiblility. I raised 3 kids by myself. By 21 I had 3 kids..dad split. I became their only parent, their family, their survival, their rock, their everything. Right now i have three of the best kids ever, have dated, remarried divorced, and single.. guess who is right here for me? guess who has my back? thats right my kids. I live in a triplex with my two boys on either side of me. I FOCUSED ON THEM MY ENTIRE LIFE. I am more blessed than anyone I know. We faught the good fight, and WE did it TOGETHER..I didnt give up on myself and I damn sure didnt give up on my children. WAKE UP AND GO HUG YOUR PRECIOUS DAUGHTER. Please forgive me, but YOU CAN DO THIS!! YOU KNOW YOU CAN. From what I read you are one hell of a loyal man. I am 43 beautiful, and single..looking for just that.... A good loyal man. QUIT IT! You will meet someone as soon as you take care of you and your daughter. Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 hensley you are doing the right thing keep us posted Link to post Share on other sites
What_Next Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 Hang in the Hensley. Keep us posted. Link to post Share on other sites
Surfer203 Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 Hensley: Your daughter won't hate you.. she may not fully understand because she is young but you can just patiently explain it to her and either way with time she will understand why what happened, happened! As far as the threats go.. watch out! My wife's ex-OM threatened to "ruin her" and other stuff.. also threatened to come to our house and place of work and blah blah blah. None of the threats materialized. My point is.. be careful regardless. Tell the police if you do receive any from your wife or the OM. A restraining order may become necessary. Link to post Share on other sites
TheGrimSweeper Posted January 28, 2011 Share Posted January 28, 2011 Good for you hensley she deserves everything that's coming to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Billy_Boy Posted January 28, 2011 Share Posted January 28, 2011 It's been 3 months now since my wife of 10 years left in a flash with another man. One day it was "honey I love you" and the next day after she left all night she was cold and said she didn't love me and was leaving. She is 36 and I am 41. It was like a switch fliped off in her brain and she will hear no talk of returning. I can't take this anymore. I love my wife so much, but she has ran to another Man. My gut feels like it's been cut open to the top of my chest. I can't stop crying and I feel so alone:( No question it is over. She already wants to fill out the divorce papers. My pain is so great I will not survive this. Suicided has already become a real option in my head. Everytime I see her to get my daughter I get hit again and again with pain. I have lost 40 Lbs and 4 waist sizes and I was not a big guy to start with. I go days without eating. How will I ever make it past losing her and watching my 9 year old daughter ask why Mommy can be here with me? This is not something I can see any man surviving. Myself included. Killing yourself over this woman would be a terrible waste of a good person, you are better then her, just move on and do the best you can, time heals all wounds and you will love again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hensley258 Posted January 28, 2011 Author Share Posted January 28, 2011 Yesterday morning my Layer did her best to take my testimoney of drugs in my wifes apartment hoping for my temp custody and a drug test for my wife. She was shot down. The Judge said he is setting a date for Feb 24th with my wife and I there to hear the testimoney regarding the drugs. She will lie under oath so it will simply be my word against hers. My only hope is that the Judge can be pursuaded to order a drug test for my wife which she would fail and give me leverage again. We wanted to at least get her served yesterday, but she was off work and 65 miles away at the mans home she cheated with. She stayed the night as usual. No way to serve at his apartment because I have no clue where it is. Lets hope she is at work today so I can finnaly get this scum bag served. Link to post Share on other sites
IzzyB Posted January 29, 2011 Share Posted January 29, 2011 Then fix it. I see these men on here that are divorced with hurt machismo pride that say "walk away" "don't take her back" every single frickin' time. Those men lost. Their wives lost. All was lost, nobody can win. You admit to treating her very badly. Very badly is a really big deal, you know. Very badly sucks. I think the two of you are tit for tat. She went to somebody else because you weren't there to emotionally support her. THat's why women go to somebody else, not for a cheap fling. They want the comfort of somebody who will support and recognize and validate their emotions. When a woman is treated "very badly" then she needs and deserves validation for her feelings. I'm not saying what she did was right, it was wrong, but there is a reason for what she did, she just went to the wrong place to validate her emotions. So do you love her or not? Don't be wishy washy. Throw yourself into MC and FIX THIS, or lose like those who are telling you to pay attention to your machismo pride and throw her under the bus. Your choice. WOW, i cant agree more with this. You BOTH did wrong. If she were aserial cheater I would say forget her.But it doesnt sound like the case here. It sounds like she felt she had nowhere to turn. You admit you treated her like sh** and she in turn did the same. Not excusing the way she treated you, it was pretty heartless, (and no excuse for YOU treating someone you love so much that way either!) but maybe it was the only way you could see/understand how you were actually treating her. Try to make it work, give her another chance - like she is giving you. Link to post Share on other sites
Eye of Hourus Posted January 29, 2011 Share Posted January 29, 2011 Izzy B. I think Wicar 1's response sums up the opinions of these men with thier hurt machismo pride. OMG, I cant believe I am reading a post like this... -What do you mean by those men lost..??? Do you think we lose if we dump a cheating s***. Makes me laugh... I dumped my ex... and that is one of the best decisions I ve ever made. I won...!!! The cheaters lose.... A BS is lost only if he takes back the cheater.... That is bu******. Those are no reasons to f*** another man. Simply she's a b****. there are no justifications for cheating. So female cheaters are better...than male cheaters eh??? Male or female a cheater is a cheap piece of sh**. Are you justifyingcheating??? I don't know about you but makes me think you were/are a cheater. No offense. And it even gets funnier.... We never lost a wife, we lost a bi***. A wife cannot be replaced but a cheating piece of sh** can be replaced by a hooker. I would say a hooker is 100 times better than a cheater. I divorced my ex ... I won !!! Izzy B, From reading some of your posts, I see that your H was not pulling his weight around the home and not doing his husbandly duties in the bedroom which caused you to have an affair. How is machismo doing? The Eye, They do not show a man a palm tree of gold, nor an elephant going through the eye of a needle. - From the Babylonian Talmud Link to post Share on other sites
IzzyB Posted January 30, 2011 Share Posted January 30, 2011 OOOPS! I posted my initial response before reading through (almost all of)the rest of the thread. So I retract that post, having learned that she was up and down and all over the place and treating you like ****. I still have a few pages to finish so if i missed something else I apologize in advance. Just wanted to get this in now since its obviously no longer appropriate! Izzy Link to post Share on other sites
fltc Posted January 30, 2011 Share Posted January 30, 2011 From reading some of your posts, I see that your H was not pulling his weight around the home and not doing his husbandly duties in the bedroom which caused you to have an affair. What absolute HOGWASH! What caused her to have an affair was her desire to have an affair, nothing more or less. Link to post Share on other sites
IfiKnewThen Posted January 30, 2011 Share Posted January 30, 2011 hensley..whats going on with you. please keep us updated when youre able to. Link to post Share on other sites
Eye of Hourus Posted January 30, 2011 Share Posted January 30, 2011 fltc Sorry, My attempt at sarcasm with IzzyB fell flat. I should have ended my post to her with..... How is your husband's machismo going? anyway enough of a TJ Hemsley how are you? The Eye:o Link to post Share on other sites
fltc Posted January 31, 2011 Share Posted January 31, 2011 fltc Sorry, My attempt at sarcasm with IzzyB fell flat. I should have ended my post to her with..... I guess I need to be taller, it went right over my head! Link to post Share on other sites
Jonno_S Posted January 31, 2011 Share Posted January 31, 2011 It been almost 3 months now and still hurts like hell. What you said about her no longer being the wife I knew is so true. I have never seen such a cold side of her. She has no remorse about what she's done, no pity, no compassion, and she is like a blond robot when I am around her with no feeling at all. How can she shut 10 years of a loving marriage down like that in her brain with no sign if missing me at all? How does a human being even do that? She left everything. The dogs we love, the house we worked our ass off to build. Even most of the things in the house and doesn't care about them. WTF has malfunctioned in her brain? Our daughter is a mess because of this and even that doesn't bother her. She just say's "she will be fine." 3 damn months and I still can't concentrate at work or home. My hands now shake all the time. As for me... Where the hell am I going to find another love? I'm 41 years old and I live in Memphis. (Known as the worst city for single men next to Alaska) I am doomed to be alone the rest of my life. These questions you raise show you're not progressing in this. If it's over, believe that she screwed up and that you may never get the answers. And why are you worried about finding someone at this stage of the game? What woman would even want to speak with you with this as your story. Get over this first, focus on being the best dad to your daughter and think about dating in a year. Seriously. Link to post Share on other sites
dillwoody Posted January 31, 2011 Share Posted January 31, 2011 It's been 3 months now since my wife of 10 years left in a flash with another man. One day it was "honey I love you" and the next day after she left all night she was cold and said she didn't love me and was leaving. She is 36 and I am 41. It was like a switch fliped off in her brain and she will hear no talk of returning. I can't take this anymore. I love my wife so much, but she has ran to another Man. My gut feels like it's been cut open to the top of my chest. I can't stop crying and I feel so alone:( No question it is over. She already wants to fill out the divorce papers. My pain is so great I will not survive this. Suicided has already become a real option in my head. Everytime I see her to get my daughter I get hit again and again with pain. I have lost 40 Lbs and 4 waist sizes and I was not a big guy to start with. I go days without eating. How will I ever make it past losing her and watching my 9 year old daughter ask why Mommy can be here with me? This is not something I can see any man surviving. Myself included. hi my wife left me just after xmas after been together for 20 years and a week after that I had to have my dog put to sleep that I loved more than her. I was gutted. I was looking on the internet to find out how to hang myself. I sat in my bedroom crying saying this is it. I was looking out of the window there was children playing a man was walking his dog it was a nice day then I said to myself get up and sort your self out. I am still upset and alone but I know I am going to get out of this. you need to talk to frends any one. some thing good is just round the corner hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
IfiKnewThen Posted January 31, 2011 Share Posted January 31, 2011 wow sorry for your losses dillwoody Link to post Share on other sites
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