What "red flags" did you overlook with your ex

[angelboots]

OK so I am on day 1 of no contact initiated by me where i have finally locked, blocked and deleted my ex from my life completely because i finally am prepared to accept that once they dump you, all other contact is just a power game to them or a way to boost their ego.

 

It has gotten me to the point where the frustration associated with him over rides the love i feel.. YES.. FEEL (grrrr) for him still and Ive started to notice the "pattern" of my ex down to a tee..

 

Red flags i should have noticed but chose to overlook because i loved him..

 

1. he had a history of broken romances where he was always the victim and all hes exs hated him. found out its because he has treated us all in the same way because its him.. not us.. and he will cling and run then cling then defame us when it suits him until we all run away looking for cover

 

2. He was an ex addict who stated everywhere he went that "he had been clean for 9 years (only to find out that he still was using on and off and i actually had to call an ambulance for him because he came home and dropped in front of me from an overdose) he actually pulled the midnight call 2 nights ago of " oh i used GHB and ice tonight because i miss you so bad i cant cope" then he didnt respond when i replied " where are u, are you ok, you need to go home, i miss you so bad, why would you do this to yourself you were going so good"

 

3. He never apologized... for ANYTHING.. the words I am sorry i cheated, lied. stole, used, posted intimate images of us on the net... never not once. yes he did all those things but it was my fault.. he could never say "how" it was my fault either..

 

4. He was diagnosed BPD but was not and had never continuously sort therapy for.

 

5. He couldn't hold down a job for longer then three month but it was always hes "employers" fault

 

6. he trash talked everybody for everything but then when he would see them he would be nice as pie found out he trash talked me too claiming i was depressed and he was MY hero etc

 

7. He would love me one minute, then pick a fight over ABSOLUTELY NOTHING the next. seriously i would message "hey i love you" and he would abuse me "what, do u think im cheating" ??? um nooo???

 

8. Hes own family kept him at arms length.. but again he was the victim of their cruelty he had actually stolen from them and abused them during and after hes addiction and they had been told by hes at the time one off therapist that they needed to know he would never change and to keep him at arms length because when he cycled he would be lovely one minute absolutely volatile the next

 

9. He would always have an excuse for hurting me.. especially when something big was happening in my life - when my uncle died, when i was promoted at work, when my 7yr old daughter who has CP needed treatments.. he always started to "yoyo" at me or would pick a fight or disappear completely for a week or two with no reasonable excuse

 

10. At first i wasn't physically attracted to him and something in my stomach warned me that he was too eager, too charming... to persistent to be real.. but i gave it a go anyway because i WANTED to BELIEVE hes depth of "love" was true...

 

one lesson i have learned from this.. trust your instincts.. and remember actions speak louder then words...

Edited December 6, 2010 by angelboots

[durkadurka]

The biggest red flag I ignored was:

 

She was seeing someone when we first started dating. She and I had sex while they were still dating.

 

2.5 months later she broke things off with me. Her ex came into town. She ignored me for a month while he was in town.

 

She then went to Stanford and found another guy, who ended up taking her to Europe. I didn't hear from her for 3.5 months until she came back into town.

 

 

 

I guess that's playing the field for me, and she was loyal during our relationship... but I also learned that when she wasn't in a relationship she is merciless.

[shocked_confused]

Marriage suddenly became a taboo topic near the end. I figured it was just because we were both young and still needed to be secure in our careers. BS. Something is not right if you used to be able to talk about that stuff through most of your relationship, and then suddenly (in the last few weeks) it becomes an awkward topic.

 

Also, another couple that we were friends with are living together, living in the suburbs, with a dog and practically married. My bf was disgusted by this lifestyle. That should have raised a red flag too.

 

One more... I was constantly molding myself to fit into HIS life plans. I can't recall when he made a sacrifice for me in our 6 years together. I was foolish.

 

Love is blind I suppose. But good news is that I will not do that ever again for a guy unless I know for sure that he is 100% committed and willing to make sacrifices for me Great life lesson.

[b_rouse]

1) He'd never communicate with me. That's how the break up happened, he never told he how he was feeling.

 

2) His shy behavior in front of my parents. We were together for a year and he still was quiet.

 

3) Lack of standing his ground. If we ever got into an argument, he would always agree with me. He didn't have a back bone.

 

4) His homophobia. He was so afraid of people who were gay. I have a lot of gay guy friends and he's feel so uncomfortable around them.

[AlisaMarie]

OK so I am on day 1 of no contact initiated by me where i have finally locked, blocked and deleted my ex from my life completely because i finally am prepared to accept that once they dump you, all other contact is just a power game to them or a way to boost their ego.

 

It has gotten me to the point where the frustration associated with him over rides the love i feel.. YES.. FEEL (grrrr) for him still and Ive started to notice the "pattern" of my ex down to a tee..

 

Red flags i should have noticed but chose to overlook because i loved him..

 

1. he had a history of broken romances where he was always the victim and all hes exs hated him. found out its because he has treated us all in the same way because its him.. not us.. and he will cling and run then cling then defame us when it suits him until we all run away looking for cover

 

2. He was an ex addict who stated everywhere he went that "he had been clean for 9 years (only to find out that he still was using on and off and i actually had to call an ambulance for him because he came home and dropped in front of me from an overdose) he actually pulled the midnight call 2 nights ago of " oh i used GHB and ice tonight because i miss you so bad i cant cope" then he didnt respond when i replied " where are u, are you ok, you need to go home, i miss you so bad, why would you do this to yourself you were going so good"

 

3. He never apologized... for ANYTHING.. the words I am sorry i cheated, lied. stole, used, posted intimate images of us on the net... never not once. yes he did all those things but it was my fault.. he could never say "how" it was my fault either..

 

4. He was diagnosed BPD but was not and had never continuously sort therapy for.

 

5. He couldn't hold down a job for longer then three month but it was always hes "employers" fault

 

6. he trash talked everybody for everything but then when he would see them he would be nice as pie found out he trash talked me too claiming i was depressed and he was MY hero etc

 

7. He would love me one minute, then pick a fight over ABSOLUTELY NOTHING the next. seriously i would message "hey i love you" and he would abuse me "what, do u think im cheating" ??? um nooo???

 

8. Hes own family kept him at arms length.. but again he was the victim of their cruelty he had actually stolen from them and abused them during and after hes addiction and they had been told by hes at the time one off therapist that they needed to know he would never change and to keep him at arms length because when he cycled he would be lovely one minute absolutely volatile the next

 

9. He would always have an excuse for hurting me.. especially when something big was happening in my life - when my uncle died, when i was promoted at work, when my 7yr old daughter who has CP needed treatments.. he always started to "yoyo" at me or would pick a fight or disappear completely for a week or two with no reasonable excuse

 

10. At first i wasn't physically attracted to him and something in my stomach warned me that he was too eager, too charming... to persistent to be real.. but i gave it a go anyway because i WANTED to BELIEVE hes depth of "love" was true...

 

one lesson i have learned from this.. trust your instincts.. and remember actions speak louder then words...

Angelboots, reading this haunts me. I mean I am in tears right now because this is DEAD ON! The victim. They are a victim for everything. There has to be a positive or a lesson that comes from these type of people that came into our lives. There has to be.

[cerridwen]

I used to chalk this stuff up to "No one is perfect. I haven't exactly been a saint myself. People change. He's a work in progress."

 

I refused to admit that while no one is perfect, some men make better partners than others...

 

1) He genuinely dislikes his mother and sometimes makes disparaging comments about women in general. Women issues? You betcha.

 

2) He's never had a long monogamous relationship. He repeatedly cheated on his high school girlfriend of 2 years and admits to it being a problem in other relationships too.

 

3) He is dishonest with his best friend--once purchasing a tie on sale on his behalf only to charge his friend full price.

 

4) He was academically dishonest in prep school and as recently as law school.

 

5) He blames his inappropriateness with other girls on me.

 

6) While many people like him and admire him, he has no intimate friends. He refuses to let people get too close. I've come to learn this is an indicator of intimacy issues (I'll say) and with all the other indicators along the same lines, points to someone who is NOT good relationship material.

Edited December 6, 2010 by cerridwen

[WTRanger]

She talked about her ex's A LOT. Clearly, not over them and clearly broke up with them in the cheesiest, most open-ended way possible.

 

Extreme lack of female BFF's.

 

She got wrapped up with me and her new job in the start of everything, that she forgot about everyone else in her life. Little did I know, she'd do the same to me when she landed her dream job. I thought it was great at the time, but I see it for what it was now.

[pandagirl]

1. Couldn't communicate about feelings, emotions, etc.

 

2. Had to be in control all the time, and dominate situations; would get very angry/frustrated if things didn't go his way. This could be anything from getting his car fixed, to a computer program not working, etc.

 

3. Didn't have a good relationship with his mother, and a complicated one with his father

 

4. Had many friends, but none of them close

[angelboots]

Angelboots, reading this haunts me. I mean I am in tears right now because this is DEAD ON! The victim. They are a victim for everything. There has to be a positive or a lesson that comes from these type of people that came into our lives. There has to be.

 

 

 

I think the big lesson i am learning from this is i wont try to have a relationship with a "fixer upper" again nor will i take poor treatment. I was in love with someone who didnt really exisit because he is multiple people depending on where he is during hes BPD cycle, and i can accept now that the cycle of hes illness some how filled my need to care for my partner and "heal" him. When i really need to care for and heal myself.

 

I realise no one is perfect, my moods can be quite down at times, but it passes and i never take it out on people i am with, i just withdraw into a book or movie day and dont feel like doing much that day.

 

I think about him all the time still, my friends are sick of hearing it beacuse the dont realise how i can feel so protective of someone who was so mean, i still miss him.. day two of no contact from either party. Part of me hopes he has moved on to another girl already, part hopes not for her sake, part dies at the thought of him with another, but the biggest part is still being strong and focusing on the bad instead of the good.. the phrase, "when he was good, he was very very good.. but when he was bad he was a damn nightmare" keeps going through my head.

 

I hope im learning the right lesson from this.. i couldn't emotionally survive another relationship like this one if i dont figure it out xx

Edited December 6, 2010 by angelboots

[Nkognito]

*First week I met her she acknowledged recreational cocaine use

*Been divorced twice

*40 with no kids

*Father had drug abuse history

*Brother does drugs (supposedly)

*Hung out with other cokehead friends.

 

I should have pumped the brakes a long time ago but the sex was good so I'm happy.

[TG4MJ]

1. She had parents who treated her like she was in 8th effing grade despite the fact that she was a grown woman living on her own.

 

2. Couldn't do a movie marathon, and that just doesn't jibe with me

 

3. Had a bad habit of talking over me constantly (Possible adult ADD?)

 

4. Three separate people close to me remarked that she always "looked sad", even when we were together

 

5. I know this is stupid, but it means something to me, but she didn't like chili dogs, and for some odd reason that just doesn't jibe with me either. Something highly suspicious about a woman who doesn't like chili dogs. I know, I'm weird.

Edited December 7, 2010 by TG4MJ
Spelling

[angelboots]

 

2. Couldn't do a movie marathon, and that just doesn't jibe with me

 

 

 

5. I know this is stupid, but it means something to me, but she didn't like chili dogs, and for some odd reason that just doesn't jibe with me either. Something highly suspicious about a woman who doesn't like chili dogs. I know, I'm weird

 

LOL i love that

[LikeCharlotte]

Something highly suspicious about a woman who doesn't like chili dogs.

I am using this as an excuse for every failed relationship in my past now. ROFL

 

 

I don't have much to say about red flags that I missed because I am long since done getting over my ex's. They do however manage to cause problems around me at times and I'm not the best at dealing with how that makes me feel so I stay at LS. Hrm.

 

These will probably apply to different exes

 

X1

1.) Never actually pursued me but hung around endlessly until I initiated (he was VERY interested) I should have seen the laziness a mile away.

 

2.) He openly admitted to having no passion about anything.

 

3.) He would not read a book.

 

X2

1.) Took 3 months to leave anything at my place when he stayed 4 nights a week.

 

2.) Couldn't have a disagreement. It was always the biggest thing in the entire world if we didn't think exactly the same way.

 

3.) Never cleaned his place.

 

X3

1.) Lied about petty things

 

2.) Constantly wanted validation from other women

 

3.) Would self medicate at the slightest hint of having to deal with an emotion

 

x4

1 big one

He was rude and abusive to his mother!

[TG4MJ]

LOL i love that

 

Hehe, well it's true, I mean seriously, what woman quits after just one "Beverly Hills Cop" movie ? Has to be a deep underlying issue if you ask me, lol. Oh, and this is another set from a diff ex that looking back I should have paid more attention to.

 

1. Serial date breaker. No idea what that was about, but for every five times we'd make plans, 4 of those times something would come up at the last minute.

 

2. She had a history of breaking up other couples, even her own friends.

 

3. Aside from her fake hair color, fake eye color, fake nails and fake eyelashes, it was almost like she couldn't survive off anything less than a quart of make up and half a can of hairspray, and I've always been more of a natural looks guy so that was really irritating to me.

 

4. Despite the fact that she's 5" tall, she had the nerve to constantly taunt me about my height, constantly referring to me as a "F***ing smurf" (i'm 5'6 for the record, ave height for a mexi-american male)

[LikeCharlotte]

Hehe, well it's true, I mean seriously, what woman quits after just one "Beverly Hills Cop" movie ? Has to be a deep underlying issue if you ask me, lol. Oh, and this is another set from a diff ex that looking back I should have paid more attention to.

 

1. Serial date breaker. No idea what that was about, but for every five times we'd make plans, 4 of those times something would come up at the last minute.

 

2. She had a history of breaking up other couples, even her own friends.

 

3. Aside from her fake hair color, fake eye color, fake nails and fake eyelashes, it was almost like she couldn't survive off anything less than a quart of make up and half a can of hairspray, and I've always been more of a natural looks guy so that was really irritating to me.

 

4. Despite the fact that she's 5" tall, she had the nerve to constantly taunt me about my height, constantly referring to me as a "F***ing smurf" (i'm 5'6 for the record, ave height for a mexi-american male)

She sounds like a nightmare and yes, that is average for you! I would have sent her home the first time she insulted me.

[TG4MJ]

Yes she was, and she'd constantly point out how "hot" alot of these tall musclehead types were, which would kind of make me feel bad. Now that I think of it, she reminds me of an even trashier version of Snookie from Jersey Shore, lol.

Edited December 7, 2010 by TG4MJ

[LikeCharlotte]

Yes she was, and she'd constantly point out how "hot" alot of these tall musclehead types were, which would kind of make me feel bad. Now that I think of it, she reminds me of an even trashier version of Snookie from Jersey Shore, lol.

LOL I'm not going to hijack the thread anymore BUT some women (me) find that type repulsive. Furthermore some women (me) like smaller guys. Finally, some women don't pile on make-up and still look fantastic (me). I am a Jersey girl and all these things are me. I am about as far from Snookie as they come. I can't be the only one so you are bound to do better than her everytime! Good riddance!

[bslchump]

Furthermore some women (me) like smaller guys. Finally, some women don't pile on make-up and still look fantastic (me).

 

I think I just developed a crush on Charlotte.

[LikeCharlotte]

I think I just developed a crush on Charlotte.

Hey, if it keeps you focused on something other than the terrible thing you are dealing with... I am flattered! :bunny:

 

More missed red flags:

1.) Always had a girlfriend but still actively flirted and pursued me (before I'd shown more than a passing interest)

2.) Told grandiose stories that were impossible to believe (trying to impress)

3.) Thought university education was an inflated waste of time that only got you a "piece of useless paper" (excuse)

4.) Never took a compliment without adding a joke. (insecure much?)

 

Got any to add bsl?

[bslchump]

Hmm...

 

1) Every single female in her family is bat@#$% insane. That probably should have tipped me off.

 

2) She's been in relationships one after the other since she was very very young. It shouldn't have been a surprise to me that she immediately tried to jump on someone else.

 

3) She never liked to do any of the work. With anything. I would drive us places, I would do the cooking and cleaning, I would be responsible for paying bills and getting the groceries.

 

I'm sure i'll think of some more later. Charlotte has put me in a decent mood so I'm having trouble complaining

[angelboots]

Yes she was, and she'd constantly point out how "hot" alot of these tall musclehead types were, which would kind of make me feel bad. Now that I think of it, she reminds me of an even trashier version of Snookie from Jersey Shore, lol.

 

URGH...

 

well your the same height as me and it is an awesome height

anyone that criticizes you over something as trivial as that needs to be shown the door.

[TG4MJ]

Well you know how it is chachita, small petite girls tend to prefer the tall, mouth breathing, no neck having musclehead types. The taller, more curvy bodied women tend to prefer us little fellas, at least in my experience, but thats ok because I've always been a sucker for taller women anyways. I'm about four inches taller than my gf and once expressed an insecurity about my size but reassured me by saying she doesn't care since I'm taller than her and she feels safe when she's with me. Sure would be nice if more women thought that way. Oh, and once again I'll go ahead and post another set of red flags I was too stupid to comprehend with an ex gf:

 

1. She did prison time for stabbing her ex husband. Need I say more ?

 

2. Not only would she drink too much, but that's the only time she'd ever want to get intimate with me, and that kinda messed with my ego (I got it in my head that I was so hideous the only way she'd want me is if she got all liquored up first)

 

I know, where do I find these women huh ?

[angelboots]

forced myself to think of some more on my way home as my mind stupidly slipped into "day dream about how things could be different mode"

 

1. He never had any friends.. like actual friends, he has a lot of aquantances but hes friend group changes fairly quickly

 

2. He always only got really excited or smoochy if he knew he was getting some that night but if for some reason he knew he wasnt getting any he was sulky

 

3. he would break up with me and disappear but when he would come back there would be some new girl on the scene chasing him

 

4. he also couldn't read a book and if i sent him a long email or text he wouldn't read it because it was "too long"

 

5. he trash talks woman and hes exs all the time

 

6. hes own ex wife called the police so he couldn't enter the hospital while she was in labor with their last child.

 

7. he didnt tell me he wasnt divorced until we were already well and truely making plans for our future

 

8. he ex wife emailed me and warned me to please be careful of him, that he can be charming and sweet but also violent and abusive, she said because i have kids and do the work that i do i deserve someone better and added "have you ever really even looked at him? he is a slob and you are gorgous, what are you thinking!"

 

grrrrrrrrrrrrr lol the answer i dont know.. that i loved him i guess

[paleblue]

angelboots it sounds like you probably dodged a bullet. it might not seem like it right now, but you will probably be real glad you got out looking back. he seriously sounds like a mental freak. I am sure he was special in his own way, or made you feel something, but it sounds like, really, the best he can offer you, is a totally unhealthy wacko relationship, that will just drag you down the tubes with him. imagine having his kid and dealing with this? wow. stay strong. there are way better guys out there for you;)

[angelboots]

angelboots it sounds like you probably dodged a bullet. it might not seem like it right now, but you will probably be real glad you got out looking back. he seriously sounds like a mental freak. I am sure he was special in his own way, or made you feel something, but it sounds like, really, the best he can offer you, is a totally unhealthy wacko relationship, that will just drag you down the tubes with him. imagine having his kid and dealing with this? wow. stay strong. there are way better guys out there for you;)

 

Thank you paleblue.. i can see now that i have too. It has taken listing the bad things about him to really see how nasty he was. I feel sorry for hes ex wife, she is stuck with him for life because of their children. She and i got along pretty well during the time I was with "J', he hated that but i felt it was a good thing that we all got along well for the childrens sake as did she. It turned out that he was worried I would realise that she wasnt a "psycho bitch".. He was right i did.

 

I am only on day three of no contact but we have been broken up for 8 weeks now and I am healing faster then i was in the start, mostly because I am focusing on my inner needs at the moment instead of hes. Breaking up and disengaging with a Borderline person is so hard, but once you have really reached the point of no return.. you have no choice but to embrace reality and RUN