What "red flags" did you overlook with your ex

[bl22]

I rememebr my ex saying to me not long after getting together 'I always seem to mess things up and do stupid things which upset me'

 

never knew what she meant at the time....

 

now i do.

[Buzzkillington]

This thread was a great idea and has really made me think (and about, clearly, the bad stuff/signs, which is a good thing.

 

1. She told me on the night we first admitted we 'Liked' (This was years ago, very young) each other that she has a problem with the idea of commitment.

 

2. Had mostly male friends even at that age - I get the feeling (from her moving onto banging some dick from a band in the blink of an eye) that actually she has always enjoyed lots of male attention and that this was inevitable eventually.

 

3. At points, even when things seemed to be going well, she would say that she didn't know if it felt right anymore (This is probably more than a red flag!), but we'd always iron everything out and be happy again after a couple of days.

 

3. I think she based a lot of attraction on the idea of future success, while I live in the present (although I do have a degree but she's planning on getting a PHD). I mention this purely because I was never planning on doing the same/becoming a university lecturer or something.

 

4. She really, really, really, really likes cats.

[carhill]

One really 20/20 one was that she ignored me. Not maliciously, with intent to harm, but rather as a function of her psychology. She knew what she was doing (said so) but couldn't change her behavior. When I first encountered instances of it while dating, I should have discontinued dating her, but had the unhealthy 'if I love her enough' tape running so didn't act in a healthy way.

 

A good example was something I noted in a female friend this past weekend. When we would go somewhere, with me driving, upon arriving, she would get out and she would walk around to my side of the car (me being an old fart, I move slow ) and we would walk together. My exW would just take off, mindless of me, and I'd have to 'catch up'. I reminded her of this, many times, and how it made me feel, but she appeared powerless to change. That, and many other 'little' things, are why we are now D.

[rhonian]

AND....this is why I have come to love LS, its so therapeutic! Thank you for this wonderful question ANGELBOOTS cuz putting this on "paper" is really going to help me.

 

First, someone said earlier in one of the replies, "they chalked it up to everyone being different" (or something like that) and that is exactly what I did. Letting my mid-section (penis) overrule my top-section (brain)......

 

1. Within 2 months she was rooting thru my drawers. (literally, not my pants)

 

2. She could never be in a position where she was made to look guilty of anything. No blame could ever be put on her. i.e.,

 

ONE DAY, me/her and my sis/her bf went to the mall. When we got back me/her went to go get something to eat. While we were eating I get a text that my sis' bf left his sunglasses in the back of her car. We get back home from dinner and my sis/bf happen to be in the driveway when we pull in. My sis' bf comes over and in a joking/sarcastic way looks at my ex and says, "Ahhh, tryn to steal my sunglasses,huh?" to which she replies very matter of factly, "Im not the one that left the sunglasses in the back, that was you, I dont want your glasses!" That SMALL scenario always stuck with me because I just didnt think that was the normal response a level-headed person would make.

 

3. She had my Verizon cell phone password and went on the internet and researched my calls and saw that I had a conversation with my ex wife who lives 1000 miles away.

 

4. She is way over the top with protecting/babying her son. When we first started dating he was almost 10. He would go upstairs to crap and when he was done he would call her to wipe his ass. WHAAAAAAAAT!!! I couldnt hold my tongue on that one. Then, this past 4th of July he spit spitballs at his grandmother (x2) while sitting at the dinner table eating. When the g-mother yelled at him and told him to STOP, my ex yelled at her (THE G-MOHTER!) for yelling at him. RED FLAG! FOR SURE!! (many more examples but I wont take up your time)

 

5. Her father left her fam when she was 2. The relationship is strained/abnormal to this day.

 

6. She lacks the ability to show affection BUT almost requires it from me.

 

7. She was with a guy for 5 years before me and told me he hid his cocaine addiction from her the whole time.....EH, NO! Dont think so!

 

8. We would be in the house together. I would get a text. Without me knowing, she would open my phone to see who texted me. Then send a "cover-text" saying 'I love you (or something like that )" to try to hide from me the fact that she looked at my text.

 

9. We went to a local bar one night to have shrimp, while we were there we saw a girl who we went to school with 20 years ago. This girl brought up the past (20 years ago) when I got arrested at school. We were laughing about how stupid I was back then. After we ate, we left and she had this attitude. I asked her what was wrong and she told me that I didnt need to be having that conversation and looked like I was enjoying it too much.

 

WOW, I have a lot more......beginning to wonder how we lasted 2 years!

[vandelay]

Biggest red flag was when she tried to break up with me 10 times but I wouldn't let her.

[goldenrainbow]

Well had to post in here as a warning sign. I have just come out from a toxic relationship.

My red flags (which I stupidly ignored were):

 

1. Wanted to marry me 5 (Yes, FIVE) days after we met.

2. Talked me into moving in together after one month together (after 3 monsth we were indeed living together...)

3. Kept constantly calling me and texting me for nothing, if it took me more than 5 minutes to text him back he would go crazy thinking I was with someone else.

4. Threatened to leave I don't know how many times, (one of them at the beginning because I had gone shopping alone (WTF)).

5. and so many others..

 

So ladies (and gentelemen too)... BEWARE of flags like these ones. It eventually turns into verbal abuse (as mine did) and so on.

 

Forgot to mention the MOST important red flag (boy was I blind):

-the disrespectful way he treated his mother

[cerridwen]

I was feeling weak about NC and missing him intensely.

 

I re-read my posts on this thread and it renewed my strength.

Thanks for creating it AngelBoots.

[Anxiety]

1) On our first date she said she had trust issues with men.

 

2) Has no patience for anything.

 

3) Quick tempered.

[TG4MJ]

These are issues that once plagued my gf when we initially dated but she has since worked on them since we're trying to give it another chance:

 

1) Would refer to girls my own age that I was friendly with as "young b****es" or "young w****s".

 

2) Would slap me or grab and pull my ears when things didn't go her way.

 

3) I made the mistake of telling her how my mother had actually considered abortion when she was pregnant with me, and anytime she wanted to cut me down to size she would out right say that my mother should have, in fact followed thru with it.

 

4) I don't know how to explain this, but at times she treated me more like I was her child than her bf, and that was just, weird. I've gotten over it though.

[marqueemoon4]

perfect thread for my first post. My stbx who I spent 8yrs with (2.5yrs married) was covered with red flags.. yet for some unknown reason I pressed on against my better judgement. In no particular order:

 

1. major self esteem issues

2. tramp stamp

3. told me her ex bf parents "hated her" (now I know why)

4. cl*t pierced

5. her age (i was 32 and she was 21 when we met. Yea, I know)

6. major issues with seriously abusive father who died a few years ago

7. had a bad rep in general from what I could gather

8. family is/was a mess

 

Those are pretty much the big ones I can think of right now. We have the cutest, most wonderful 3yr old boy together who we both love more than anything. She left 7mos ago, its a long sordid story but for some unknown reason I still want her back. She states clearly that its over and she is never coming back. We've gone through what would've been our 3yr wedding anniv (Sept 22nd), her birthday (Oct 9), Thanksgiving and Christmas separated. We have 5 more months until we can divorce as there is a 1yr separation period in VA if you have a child. Pretty sure this is exactly what will happen no matter what I do. Trying to move on, but its hard when I have to see her twice a week to do pickup/dropoff. I'm still really physically attracted to her, though she has treated me horribly pretty much the entire calendar year of 2010.

Edited December 28, 2010 by marqueemoon4

[LoveBug1989]

1. Wasn't really interested in my profession & job

 

2. Told me I could apply for a job anywhere in the country, but was not very supportive and did not congratulate me when I found out I had gotten a job in another state

 

3. Had this habit of putting his hand around my neck and squeezing too tightly for comfort when we got intimate. I had to tell him 3 seperate times it made me uncomfortable and he only stopped at the time when I started crying.

 

4. Failed to communicate with me for an entire month after I moved and I was the one who had to initiate calls and texts

 

5. Never got me a birthday present (which may seem trivial, but I was hurt, especially when I put a lot of time, effort and thought into painting/drawing his gifts)

 

6. Would get irritated with me if I walked too closely to him, stood in front of him which he saw as "blocking" him, or accidentally let go of his hand in a public place (but refused to hold my hand on a cold winter day because it was too cold).

 

But I love(d) him so much.....

[hART]

I made the mistake of falling in love with a casual sex relationship. Lets, see, I hooked up with him on a whim. I said I love him and he said, well I don't love you. Then I stayed with him, because we lived together. We have no compatibility past sex, because he refuses to understand me and I didn't have time to do research (on his personality) till after the relationship was over. He doesn't get that I'm ashamed of my behavior, because it is acceptable for men to sleep around. Also, sex is hollow when there is no love there. The technique or reciprocation doesn't matter...

[hART]

The ex before that had wandering eye syndrome and I refused to recognize it and move on. Letting it go on for 10 years. The guy after him had serious alcohol issues, but was an amazing person otherwise. The guy before my recent ex was a good friend who I knew I wasn't compatible with sexually, but loved so much I wanted it to be so.

[rhonian]

OOOOOOH, OOOOOOH.........I forgot about this one and I have to get it out (LOL) for healing sake,

 

- About 2 months into the relationship I pulled a bag out from behind my dresser because I was looking for something and in that bag was pictures of my ex that I had totally forgotten about. Well, I was so intent on finding what I was looking for that it didnt even register that the pictures were there. I dumped everything out, found what I was looking for and put everything right back in the bag. That night and the next day I caught a severe attitude from her and when we got into an argument about something entirely different she brought up the fact that I didnt instantly tear the pictures up of my ex and throw them in the trash. I sincerely apologized...I really did feel bad because of how it did "look" to her. Her reply was, "What are you trying to hold onto?" I said, "Nothing.".......

 

FAST FORWARD 2 years.......I was down in her basement cleaning one of her closets out and find this giant envelope with her ex's name on it. I opened it up and inside was about 300 love letters between her and her ex when they were in college 20 years ago.

 

HMMMMMMMMM???? ......the hypocrisy!!!! (or however u spell it?)

[Sonolumino]

3) I made the mistake of telling her how my mother had actually considered abortion when she was pregnant with me, and anytime she wanted to cut me down to size she would out right say that my mother should have, in fact followed thru with it.

 

Ouch! What a bitch!

[seekingunderstanding]

1. He talks to his mother like she's a stupid, annoying child.

2. He lives with her and claimed he was moving out until he got my commitment and then he settled back in with mom.

3. Talked proudly of his younger days when he "scored" a lot of beautiful chicks.

4. Made crude comments about women in front of me

5. Whenever he hurt me, I was blamed not only for my hurt, but for bothering him.

6. Only hung out when it was convenient for him

7. After creating situations that damaged trust, he would say I have to just trust him.

8. Only concerned about his needs including the need not to be concerned about my needs.

9. Had beliefs about all women: they are sneaky, untrustworthy cheaters who cannot control themselves

10. Consistently invalidated me

11. When he wanted my attention he was on, when he didn't, I didn't exist.

12. Didn't make contact with me on Christmas

13. Would talk about plans that wouldn't involve me like going away for the whole winter, or running off and becoming a sports illustrated photographer

14. Expected me to change my life and expectations around him

15. Offered for me to sleep with another guy in front of him and then blamed and criticized me when I had concerns about that

16. Ditched me every time I actually needed him

17. Hasn't held a serious job for longer than a year and had no clear plan for financial stability.

18. Made hurtful comments and then called them jokes so he could blame me for being hurt. (last I checked jokes are funny... I wasn't laughing and neither was he!)

19. etc..............................

 

I think this is a good thread because regardless of what our partners' red flags are about us, we're here to better ourselves. I think it's very good to take time to look at what doesn't work for us and what characteristics are for us predictors of future incompatibilities and abuse.

 

I'm only "on a break" with this person gathering some clarity. What I really want is to break up and this thread helped me see things more clearly.

 

thanks

 

btw yes the sex was good... but I think these people put time and attention into developing those skills instead of concentrating on behaviours that nurture a relationship.

 

sex skills and relationship skills are both important in a relationship.

Edited December 31, 2010 by seekingunderstanding

[TLCbear]

What "red flags" did you overlook with your ex?

 

 

1. From beginning, negative vibe, something about him I couldn't trust.

2. He never answered his phone whenever we were together.

3. Alot of short term relationships and/or off and on relationships.

4. Never said anything good about none of his exes. To him, they were the evil and crazy ones. They always did him wrong. He seemed to play the victim pretty well.

5. Never had a good relationship.

6. He lied about petty things.

7. Very persistent and acted way too nice around me.

[TLCbear]

I rememebr my ex saying to me not long after getting together 'I always seem to mess things up and do stupid things which upset me'

 

never knew what she meant at the time....

 

now i do.

 

 

Yeah, I remember my ex saying something similiar, never really understood that until later in our relationship. I just wish I can see the day, when he really realizes just how much he f***ed up when he can't find another woman remotely close to me. I hope by then to be married to a good man.

[LostinBattle]

THIS THRED WAS JUST WHAT I NEEDED

 

i now see why shes gone

 

im going to list the red flags she saw in me

 

- i loved her at first sight.. why i have no idea doesnt make sence

- told her i wanted to marry her in the first 2 months

(now just to put in perspective i was an 18 year old virgin that never had a gf.. i went to a strict small catholic school and lived in a very ghetto neighborhood and never met any girls there)

-that brings us too three^ see how much i want people too feel pity for me!

-i was clingy as **** she just seemed so emotionaly distant

-i had a terrrrrrible childhood, that brings alot of baggage and i braught it all and dumped it all over her to deal with

-i was irrisponsible i let her handle the money i didnt spend any but i didnt take care of a single bill

-i never realy interacted with my son much. to be honest being in the army and missing out on so much has made me sort of detached from him. now i love him and before she left i spent as much time as i could with both of them but alas..

-i never change. i always fall back into old paterns

-i hate myself. how can i show love if all i do is hate myself?

-im out of shape

-im terrible in the sack and VERY insecure about it

-constantly checking up on her to make sure shes not talking to others

-only careing about my side. never seeing how wrong i might be

-its ALWAYS SOME ONE ELSES FAULT. the armys fault, my parent fault, gods fault

-im a liar. petheticly composivly. about anything. about everything

 

its about time i CHANGED. i honesly lover her to death. and she has her faults too

 

but i now see i need to change before i should ever attempt at getting her back, or ever starting a relation ship

 

THANK YOU

[Hades]

Red flags:

 

1. Addict.

2. Criminal.

 

And all of the personality traits, characteristics and behavior patterns of such.

 

The red flags for myself I ignored?

 

1. Enabler and co-dependent.

 

Together we are ... destructive.

[Banega100]

When women mention A) Cuddling EARLY B) Twighlight (BIG FLAG) C) Watch one or more of the following shows (Greys Anatomy, Private Practice, Vampire Diaries, Project Runway, Top Model, Teen mom/16 preg) D) has more then 3 store cards

 

Haha, i hope this is some sick joke because my ex ticked all three of those boxes and the girl i'm seeing meets A) :|

[Stilicho]

1.She had no other friends besides me

 

2. self esteem issues( she would constantly tell me she felt i was out of her league, as if it was a problem, i would assure her she wasnt)

 

3. Was always in a relationship from a young age, seemed to need a man to boost her ego.

 

4. Told a lot of white lies

 

5. needed constant assurance of my appreciation for her( apparently actions werent enough)

 

6. had a strange desire to feel "needed", i would tell her i did in fact need her, as she meant the world to me, and made me want to achieve the best in order to give her what i thought she deserved, but she would reply that i did not need her, and that i could get other girls instead. my response never seemed to matter.

 

7. had told me that she had previously dated 2 guys at once in highschool, and at one point left her ex for a month to pursue another, than went back to him.

 

all of this being said, there were a lot of things i could have done better in retrospect, and although it ended terribly, i still carry great feelings of love for her.

[TG4MJ]

Ouch! What a bitch!

 

 

Oh yeah man, maybe back then, but she's gotten alot nicer. I hate to say it but I think that a proverbial dose of their own medicine usually works with these types. I started mimmicking little things with her that I saw as red flags and then when she'd throwing pitching a fit, I'd point out how she now knew how I felt when she did the exact same thing.

[angelboots]

I love how much this thread has been helping people clear their minds when the thought comes up "OMG I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE NOTICED THAT WAS WEIRD/STUPID/CRUEL/DANGEROUS/GOING TO BITE ME IN THE ASS" lol

 

I have one more to add now seeing the latest information...

 

If its not divorced... its still currently married

 

 

Simple huh lol

[Heatemyheart89]

1)tight with £££

2)false promises

3)didn't ring on my birthday

4)wasn't sympathetic when I was Ill

5)furiously arguing with me over things that really mattered to me

6)selfish

7)always on about his ex

8)didn't take me out

9)selfish in bed

10)not ringing me for 3 days straight

11)his double standards

12)just being lazy

13)taking me for granted

14)letting me pay for things when I'm a student

15)thinking what he does is way more important than what I do

16)obsessed with money/material things

17)hated most music and wasn't willing to try to listen to it

18)no real feelings toward anything

19)snoring

20)treating my house like a hotel

 

there's gotta more but hey not a great relationship by the sounds of it