Work Relationship Problem

[Will00]

Ok here is something I am having a very difficult time dealing with. I have found myself falling for someone I work with. I have worked with this woman for about five years (same building). And honestly I have always liked her - not love but as she was always a person I liked very much and enjoyed talking to, working with etc.

I am a supervisor and when one of the people who worked for me left I offered her the position (she worked in a different department). I did this because:

A) I felt she needed a change from her job which she had had for quite awhile.

B) I knew she was smart enough

C) I felt she would be easy to work with.

 

I am a single guy and I am 48. I have been single for a long time. I like women but unfortunately I have always been very shy - although oddly enough I am very capable in many areas of my life. I am a good guy (I believe). And although it may sound that way - I am not a freaking wimp, fact is I can be pretty independent, and I like who I am.

 

I honestly never had any thoughts of loving her - I just sincerely liked her. I was dumb and was still thinking about 20 something yo girls - even though I am not a womanizer or any crap like that. This lady at work is 43.

 

We have been working in the same office for about a year. We have some common interests and similarities. Well as you may imagine over time I have found myself thinking about her more and more. But - she has a boyfriend - although it seems to be an odd relationship to me - it is along distance relationship and frankly I don't know much about it. I always felt it was not my place to question her too much about it. Anyway it is much too complicated to explain it all here.

 

For a long time things were really good at work - for the most part - I knew she had someone, it did not quite seem right to me - and that bothered me - but I felt it was her business and well...things were not exactly perfect for me either. But I was very able to be myself around her - I laughed and joked a lot with her. I enjoyed working on things with her.

 

As I look back I see that for some time I was trying to impress her - but I was able to do it without really expecting anything - and I enjoyed it.

 

But of course over time things slowly start to change - she had some medical/physical problems and she shared these things with me. I let myself care and I let her talk to me and I tried to help. What happened was I found how much I loved helping her with those things. And like trying some new clothes I started to think in my mind what it would be like to be her man - and as I tried that on I found that I liked it so much.

 

Well now I am in further than I should be. She has someone else. I have not known what to do. One day (in a very lame way) I asked her if she would ever do anything with me outside of work: go to dinner or go take photographs (a common interest). She said not really because she was committed to someone else and due to the work situation (but she said maybe on the photo part). Should I have done this? I don't know - I pondered it for a long, long time.

 

Now I feel bad - I am struggling with negativity. My vaunted humor has evaporated. I find it difficult to not be angry. I am angry that I fell for someone who was not available. I get angry and frustrated because I feel I cannot or should not open up to her and tell her the full extent of my feelings. I feel so disappointed that my dream - no matter how beautiful - cannot come true. I get jealous even though I clearly have no right to feel that. All of these things discourage me because honestly I have always liked her and cared about her. I don't want that to change - I don't know how to truly deal with this correctly - God help me I have tried so hard to do the right things.

 

I know that as a supervisor this should not happen - but damnnit I am not a freaking robot. And I know that sometimes some things are more important than work.

 

There is so much more to explain about this than I can adequately do here. Sometimes I want to grab her and say - hey can offer you so much - you just have to want it - that's all.

 

What do I do now - how do I get back to being me and how do I get back to where I can just like her and not hope for more?

 

I am trying very hard to meet other women - I know the best thing is for me to not obsess - I know that I need to do what is best for me. I am at the point where it kills me to be alone - unfortunately I am alone too much - and it is damned hard to get out of this - I can kick my self in the ass for 48 years of being a dumb ass (as in not trying hard to find someone to help me and who I could help) but this is where I am at now.

 

Because of this I see some things that I have never seen before. I see so clearly exactly what I want in life (guess I never did before) but it appears I cannot pursue what I want - at least not in terms of this person. I feel that this is an opportunity to break free and change my life - to really change it. I don't want to miss the opportunity - but obviously the change does not involve her - I don't know what to do.

Edited December 6, 2010 by Will00