Ambivalence toward relationship--a good friend but not husband

[6of1]

Hi, all--

 

I've been with my husband for ten years. My husband and I could write a textbook on healthy communication, support, understanding. We never lie or cheat or do reckless things to hurt one another. We are good co-parents, too. On the surface, there is nothing wrong with us.

 

But my husband is like a brother to me. I do not have any romantic feeling for him anymore, and I recognize, looking back, how much I generated the romantic feeling when our relationship was young, in order to convince myself to fall in love with him because he was such a good man. I didn't do this consciously, but I was at a time in my life when I felt the need for security and stability, and I think that had a powerful effect on me. I didn't think being "romantic" was important at the time--but have missed it terribly for years now. As I feel older and stronger now, I don't think I have that same need.

 

I feel like no marriage counselor could get us to communicate better. We never have conflict, even when we communicate openly about our lack of feeling for one another (this is stronger on my side than his, but he has no great well of passion for me either). We are kind to one another and understand the different needs each of us has.

 

I've recently been considering divorce--and have talked openly and completely calmly about this with him. This does not even perturb him, though he knows I'm serious. Sometimes it seems like he'd like it, too, though it's not from any depth of feeling in any way. One of his comments about it was how nice it would be not to have to clean up both our dishes in the kitchen; he could just do his own. He is not fighting me at all--he so respects my feelings that he wants me to be happy and is quite willing to accommodate that. The fact that he seems to have no particular fight or feeling about losing me despite the kitchen-cleaning scenario just reinforces for me the desire to move on to someone with whom I can celebrate and savor life in a fuller way.

 

As a husband, he feels like such a disappointment to me. But as a friend, he's terrific. Sometimes I think that if we broke up, I could just enjoy who he is and not focus so much on what he isn't as a husband (passionate, thoughtful, someone who shares my interests, etc.). I feel like it would be more respectful of him, in a sense, and a much more authentic description of what our relationship really is.

 

But as I look around the web for guidance, it seems like everyone who is getting a divorce has been wronged, betrayed, or hurt in some way that I haven't experienced. It seems like people in my situation just don't get divorced. But I'm so sad thinking that I am feeling like I am settling--and I really think my husband deserves someone who doesn't feel that way about him.

 

Am I crazy? Is anyone else out there in my boat? Do any of you have good relationships with exes, or suggestions for how to deal with this scenario if you stay married? Help!

 

Celia

[fltc]

An amicable divorce would probably be good for both of you, you can both move on and live your own lives.

 

My wife and I divorced for reasons similar to yours, no infidelity AFAIK, we just couldn't be together w/o constant fighting. After the divorce (and some tense monents) we've remained friends for the 30+ years we've been apart, at first because we had children to raise and later because we are friends. I've learned never to discuss subjects that will 'set her off'

and we get along just fine.

[westrock]

My husband and I could write a textbook on healthy communication, support, understanding. We never lie or cheat or do reckless things to hurt one another. We are good co-parents, too. On the surface, there is nothing wrong with us.

 

I feel like no marriage counselor could get us to communicate better.

 

You seem overly confident in your communication skills. On the surface there may be nothing wrong with the two of you, yet when I read your post my impression is that underneath the surface the two of you are not communicating your emotional needs to each other and are not doing what's necessary to support each other's emotional needs. From what you describe, what I sense is actually a lack of communication on a romantic level.

 

A relationship will go downhill and the romance will die off unless it is continuously nurtured and at the core of that process is good communication on a romantic level. I don't see any of that described in your posting from your husband or you.

 

As a husband, he feels like such a disappointment to me.

How would he answer if he was asked about you as a wife?

 

You might still be able to re-ignite the romance, but it will require that both of you to change your ways. If you want to save the marriage, get into marriage counselling right away.

 

Best of luck.

Edited December 6, 2010 by westrock

[imagine]

You need to meet each others emotional needs. Either with him or the next hubby.

 

I am serious when I took my vows. Fix it don't rent it.

[yumbby]

Wow! Your post couldn't have come at a better time. My husband and I (of 14 years) have recently decided to seperate for these very same reasons. We love and respect each other immensely but it takes more than that for a marriage. He's a fantastic friend, but sometimes you need more from a husband. I won't go into many details, just because its to new and raw for me, but I just have hope that there is really a possibility of a passionate relationship out there for everyone. The only posts I find are ones where people are doing horrid things to each other, or have been victimized. How about just a lack of that loving feeling? LOL. I don't just mean sex either. Not everyone should be married. My husband married his first girlfriend on his 18th birthday, married 9 years, separated, met me 2 weeks later. We immediately got married. He's never been single on his own. So sometimes, I guess you just gotta go out and focus on yourself for awhile and get your mojo back!

[heartbrokensj]

I have to agree, clearly both your emotional needs and passion is missing. I have always been a proponent of trying to save a marriage before calling it quits but this requires both of you to want to do this. Good luck and hope it all works out for you and your husband.

 

Sorry to go off topic, but IMAGINE, I love that saying- FIX IT, DON'T RENT IT...I am gonna write that one down in my journal....

Edited December 7, 2010 by heartbrokensj

[6of1]

Thanks for helping me feel less crazy, everyone.

 

I didn't mean to speak badly of my husband in saying he was a disappointment to me as a husband. I certainly do not think I am a perfect wife, either, but my husband doesn't seem to have the same need for emotional connection that I have. He is perfectly fine with me, but he would be perfectly fine without me, too, it seems. He seems more concerned about timing a possible divorce (like, this would be a bad time to sell our house) than with the idea of divorce itself.

 

The more I think about it, it's really not about "reigniting" passion. We never did have that passion. We had a great deal of respect for each other, and we didn't prioritize passion. Both he and I have discussed the fact that it would take a pretty fundamental overhaul of our personalities to be on the same page in terms of "passion." My husband is a great guy, but he doesn't feel things deeply, whether positive or negative. That's not a bad thing, but I do. He has said this himself. He doesn't fault me for it, nor does he chastise himself. It's just who we are.

 

I'm not miserable, but I just feel like there is more to life than this--AND I'm pretty confident my husband and I could maintain a good friendship after our marriage ended. I also think these feelings of mine don't make me a very good wife to him. So I think about it out of respect for him, too, as weird as that sounds.

 

I guess I'm at the point where I know I want the end, but I am afraid to fully admit it. I know this will shock so many people, because no one sees us having any real problems. And a big part of me feels like, well, if I'm not miserable, then it's selfish to divorce. But is it, really, if he is so indifferent?

 

Life is complicated. Thanks for listening!

 

Celia

[2.50 a gallon]

I hear what you are saying. I think that passion is an important ingredient in living life.

 

Is there no common interests that you share? Such as for my GF and I it is our cats, decorating for the holidays, etc. That does not mean that we have separate interests. I am very much a football fan, and this is my tme of the year. While she likes football, she enjoys how I get off on it.

 

Without passion in your life what is the reason for getting up each morning?

[6of1]

$2.50--

 

Not really, in terms of interests. We both like certain board games and a couple TV shows, but that's not something we spend much time on. We do both care about politics and have similar views there, but it's not exactly a point of passion for us And we have a daughter we both adore, of course, but that's kind of different. We don't even really enjoy doing the same kinds of things with her. Plus, the things that we do enjoy doing with her, we could still do later.

 

My husband and I are of different religious/cultural backgrounds, have a big age gap, and are both nerdy but in totally different ways (I'm a literature and history person; he's math and science). He loves to do the same three hobbies that he's very committed to and would be happy to spend time doing those every single week for the rest of his life, whereas I like a lot of variety and trying new things. He's a very steady, regular kind of personality and I'm more all over the place.

 

I'm just not sure what could really bring us together that hasn't already occurred in our marriage.

[Ballerfamily]

Fertilize the old grass with roots. It will stay green longer. New grass is tough to manicure with kids involved. The old grass can sprout with some added time and love. Nothing makes a man sit up and pull on his big boy pants then his wife showing renewed interest in him. Its so easy, if you all would just understand. You all make it so hard.

 

Next time he watches a football game, grab him a cold one, sit down in something sexy, and watch him well up with passion. Every mans dream.

Show a little spark, and he will make you a happy woman. To many of us feel like were your father. Treat us like men

[SoConfused26]

6of1, I am actually jealous that you have such great communication with your husband and that you respect each other and are friends. I am having similar feelings, although some of them stem from mistrust and things he has done, but here are some things my life coach has said to help me along in the process:

 

Do you love who "he" is? It doesn't matter what he does or what he's done.

 

You are not a bad person if you don't love your husband. We tend to feel as women, we need to suffer, in order to be able to justify the decision.

 

And, most importantly, don't feel guilty and don't be afraid to feel good. It's ok to want to be happy and feel good.

 

My husband on the other hand does not communicate well and when I try to bring up that I want out, he cries like a baby and says you can't do this to me...he doesn't even listen to me. It's all about him...

[Ballerfamily]

6of1, I am actually jealous that you have such great communication with your husband and that you respect each other and are friends. I am having similar feelings, although some of them stem from mistrust and things he has done, but here are some things my life coach has said to help me along in the process:

 

Do you love who "he" is? It doesn't matter what he does or what he's done.

 

You are not a bad person if you don't love your husband. We tend to feel as women, we need to suffer, in order to be able to justify the decision.

 

And, most importantly, don't feel guilty and don't be afraid to feel good. It's ok to want to be happy and feel good.

 

My husband on the other hand does not communicate well and when I try to bring up that I want out, he cries like a baby and says you can't do this to me...he doesn't even listen to me. It's all about him...

 

Of course its not. It's all about you?

[robf1971]

Hi, all--

 

But my husband is like a brother to me. I do not have any romantic feeling for him anymore, !

 

Celia

 

This is precisely what I got from my first wife, exactly the same words. She threw me out, I got over it, her feelings changed when I moved on. She bent over backwards, and I mean backwards to get us back together. By the time she admited to me that her issues had contributed to the break up and gone into IC herself it was too late, I wanted nothing more to do with her. This proves that feelings can change.

[robf1971]

Hi, all--

 

Sometimes I think that if we broke up, I could just enjoy who he is and not focus so much on what he isn't as a husband (passionate, thoughtful, someone who shares my interests, etc.). Celia

 

Celia, you are mind reading this man way too much. When you bring up divorce he doesn't think you are serious. I think you both have issues of boredom and both take each other for granted.

[robf1971]

Fertilize the old grass with roots. It will stay green longer. New grass is tough to manicure with kids involved. The old grass can sprout with some added time and love. Nothing makes a man sit up and pull on his big boy pants then his wife showing renewed interest in him. Its so easy, if you all would just understand. You all make it so hard.

 

Next time he watches a football game, grab him a cold one, sit down in something sexy, and watch him well up with passion. Every mans dream.

Show a little spark, and he will make you a happy woman. To many of us feel like were your father. Treat us like men

 

I couldn't agree with this more. How the heck do you know that he doesn't want that from you but is just too shy to say? Worth a try maybe?

[Chi townD]

You might take this the wrong way but,

 

Who the other guy? Because, this sounds like a, " I love you, but I'm not in love with you." speech if I ever heard one. Yeah, you might not be cheating but I'm wondering if there's anyone out there that has sparked and interest with you.

[Lexygirl]

6of1,

I soooooooooooooo understand how you feel.

You aren't crazy. You are acknowledging feelings (or lackthereof) and facing reality as it is. There is nothing wrong with that.

 

I, too, have been facing the exact same painful realities. We also are like brother and sister and get along fine on the surface but have no real common bonds or interests other than the kids. We've been married for 18 1/2 years. I left at the beginning of September because it came to a point where something had to give. I couldn't stand a passionless, loveless, sexless life anymore. Yes, I had affairs once I left after being faithful all of our marriage. I'm not proud of it and I don't try to justify it but I suppose my need for passion reached a breaking point and I just gave in.... I hope you don't get to that point.

Anyway, I have come back to mainly be with my kids and figure stuff out financially here but again it's torture living a facade.

It's painful. I get that.

 

I'm sure I face negativity from others on here just for posting to you but I really don't care.. I just want you to know that you are not alone. I am here for you and totally understand.

 

Take care.

[robf1971]

6of1,

I soooooooooooooo understand how you feel.

You aren't crazy. You are acknowledging feelings (or lackthereof) and facing reality as it is. There is nothing wrong with that.

 

I, too, have been facing the exact same painful realities. We also are like brother and sister and get along fine on the surface but have no real common bonds or interests other than the kids. We've been married for 18 1/2 years. I left at the beginning of September because it came to a point where something had to give. I couldn't stand a passionless, loveless, sexless life anymore. Yes, I had affairs once I left after being faithful all of our marriage. I'm not proud of it and I don't try to justify it but I suppose my need for passion reached a breaking point and I just gave in.... I hope you don't get to that point.

Anyway, I have come back to mainly be with my kids and figure stuff out financially here but again it's torture living a facade.

It's painful. I get that.

 

I'm sure I face negativity from others on here just for posting to you but I really don't care.. I just want you to know that you are not alone. I am here for you and totally understand.

 

Take care.

 

I say this in the nicest possible way you've never had to fear losing your hubby. You've left, had your fun with other guys and then come back home to good old dependable H, it's called cake eating. Many would call it worse.

 

Picture this in your mind's eye. You came back to the family home, hubby had your stuff packed up in boxes and the locks changed. He's standing there with divorce papers on the dirveway telling you, "all future commnication will be through our lawyers" you cheated please leave. He gives you a 50/50 custody agreement, won't answer your emails, texts voicemails etc

 

Fact is you haven't got a clue how your feelings would change, knowing that your husband was gone for ever. All the evidence I've seen is that the W's feelings often change 180 degrees.

 

The way I look at it is that coming back for financial reasons and kids is a piss poor excuse. FGS your a grown woman, If you really want to be apart you can pay your own way. As for the kids, they are going to be watching you forming their ideas on what a relationship should be like be like.

[Lexygirl]

Robof1971,

All I am gonna say is that the scenerio you present would have been met with relief actually.

[robf1971]

Robof1971,

All I am gonna say is that the scenerio you present would have been met with relief actually.

 

Does he feel the same way as you?

[controlledchaos]

i wouldn't dissolve a marriage just because unless i had exhausted every single avenue out there. if i had tried everything under the sun to spice it up and rekindle the love and it all had failed, then maybe i would.

 

my situation is different, but the lack of love and emotion is the part that is similar. when i fell in love with my H i didn't think he would change in the future. and i'm not talking 10 yrs down the road change, but right after the marriage change. he was in school and just became emotionally distant, controlling, and finger pointing. i contributed his behavior and actions towards me to be because of school. so, i stayed and figured once he was done things would return to normal. however, they never did. he was never gonna be emotionally connected to me. and since he wasn't he could cause me as much pain as he felt like because he wasn't emotionally invested in me as a person.

 

i tried everything i could to keep that loving feeling alive. i did love him. as a husband and a father, and as a friend. i supported him through everything. when things would become so distant, i would try something else. or encourage us to try something else. he travels a lot for work, always has. i always wanted to have phone sex with him, but most of the time he traveled i could barely even get him on the phone long enough to say good night. there was always something he had to do and had to go.

 

by the end of our marriage i'm married to a man that spends 80-100 a week working. yup. he'd sleep about 3-4 hrs a night and the rest of the day was usually spent working. i asked him to a family birthday party on a saturday and he said " i gave you two hours last night." and those 2 hrs were spent standing in the back of a gymnasium watching a talent show. we have a huge 2 person tub and i'd ask him to get in there with me and watch movies and he'd say, " i'm not a tub person." i'd ask for at least bi-weekly date nights and he'd say " dates with you are boring."

 

we have 15 yrs together and 5 kids. i would've done 15 more years like this even though i wasn't happy at all, but he said he didn't know if he loved me anymore and didn't know if he wanted to be married anymore and i should take the kids and leave. that was when i felt i had done all i could physically do to save my marriage. when there is only one person that wants to be in it, what's the point?

 

i've lived alone now for almost a year. i'm ok with out him. i don't miss my marriage because there just wasn't much to miss. i was freaked out last jan on the night he left. he just walked out the door and said see ya. i was terrified i would not be able to do this alone, and you know what? i was wrong. our lives changed in almost no noticable way. i spent that night the same way i had spent most nights the past 5 yrs. alone on the sofa watching tv surfing the net, lol. i went to bed alone when i felt like it and i woke up alone when i felt like it. i had gotten so used to him not sleeping with me. the next day i took care of my 5 kids. i ran my errands, i made them food, i cleaned my house. all like i had before. because that's what i had to do before. the difference did show up when it was his first weekend to have the kids. because in all our years together he was almost always working on sat and some of sun. so, now he had to take care of his 5 kids, and i wasn't there. i heard later on from some mutual friends that he was complaining that the first weekend he showed up to take care of the kids and i left, walked out the door. he was alone with 5 kids and a massive snow storm on the way. i guess he was saying some very unkind things about me, and his sister basically told him that he had no room to complain because that's the way he had wanted it.

 

sorry that is such a long read. my point is, don't toss out your marriage for a need of NEW love. i personally do not find the single scene to be all that impressive, lol. at this point in my life i have no desire to meet someone new. but, i do know i did absolutely all i could to save my marriage. i know that i stayed much longer and tolerated much more than most people would have. i also know that my life didn't change much at all once we were no longer living together. but, i think if we had been good friends. enjoyed time together at all. had sex on any sort of frequent basis. and he was able to say that he loved me and wanted to stay married, i would've stayed even if there were no "romantic sparks." but that's just me :-)

 

best of luck!

[delajoonal]

OP:

I've been with my husband for ten years. My husband and I could write a textbook on healthy communication, support, understanding. We never lie or cheat or do reckless things to hurt one another. We are good co-parents, too. On the surface, there is nothing wrong with us.

 

But my husband is like a brother to me. I do not have any romantic feeling for him anymore, and I recognize, looking back, how much I generated the romantic feeling when our relationship was young, in order to convince myself to fall in love with him because he was such a good man. I didn't do this consciously, but I was at a time in my life when I felt the need for security and stability, and I think that had a powerful effect on me. I didn't think being "romantic" was important at the time--but have missed it terribly for years now. As I feel older and stronger now, I don't think I have that same need.

i could have wrote that word for word...so weird how SO many of us r truly in the same shoes, boat, whatever...we really do have so very much in common...

(my XH actually took the initiative and had an EA on FB and eventually left me, as i debated divorce for 6 years, because i felt guilty for not being IN LOVE with my then husband...but loved him dearly and just could not leave...so it seems HE needed the butterflies and 'in love' part...and well, that was the demise of our marriage...

 

anyway...i am truly sorry this is happening to u as well...

i think we all just do what is RIGHT for us at that particular time...

w/o thinking of the future...we just think, ' this is what i need OR think i want, for now..."

 

keep posting...

 

thank you again for your story...it helps so many of us to contect and vent as well...

 

take care....

[delajoonal]

chitownD,

there does not always have to be another man or woman or an interest, etc., for one to NOT be 'in love' anymore...sometimes...IT just happens...period.

[Distant78]

You might take this the wrong way but,

 

Who the other guy? Because, this sounds like a, " I love you, but I'm not in love with you." speech if I ever heard one. Yeah, you might not be cheating but I'm wondering if there's anyone out there that has sparked and interest with you.

 

You took the words out of my mouth. There's no way in Hell that someone all of a sudden just wants a divorce. There's always a reason, and usually it involved a person outside the marriage.

[Chi townD]

chitownD,

there does not always have to be another man or woman or an interest, etc., for one to NOT be 'in love' anymore...sometimes...IT just happens...period.

 

 

Look, the OP stated that her husband is a great guy and her best friend. He doesn't mistreat her and they can talk to each other about anything. So, they're missing passion. With all the positives to this relationship, you just don't throw it away! You work on it and re-discover or decover it for the first time.

 

So, with that said. I feel that there are outside influences at work here. Sorry, but...just my opinion.