Why Not?

[confusedinkansas]

I have a question that's been bugging me for a few days & just thought I'd run it up the flag pole here & see what happens.

 

Why can't affair partners be friends after the affair is over?

 

I'm not saying intimate friends. I'm not saying talk every day or even every week. I'm saying - email every now & then to see how they are. Check in from time to time......Kind of like friends that don't live close by each other & can't see one another often.

 

Remember - the two of you were lovers, friends.....etc. You thought the world of each other at one point in your life.They were NOT the devil then - why is it necessary for them to be the devil now? Why is FULL NC so necessary?

 

I realize that to be BFF's again MAY mean that you'd/I'd/We could easily fall back into the old pattern(possibly) But does it HAVE to be like that?

[blizzard]

Because OW/OM are married. Would that be fair and respectful to their spouse? Absolutely not.

[East7]

Good question CIK.

 

We started like friends with MW and a couple of months later something triggered us into flirting and A. For her friendship is sacred, I would say she even puts it upon Love.

When we broke she insisted to stay friends with me, I was pissed off. In my book "let's be friends" means "I don't need you anymore, I can't offer you the main dish so now I want to keep you under my wing like a friend"

She insisted, insisted...until she gave up and she was pissed off herself because all she had was an absolute NO!

 

I have tried to stay friends with my single Ex (not the xMW) and it didn't work though we respected a lot each-other even after the separation. I think the memories you have, the heartbreak, the jealousy to see your xOP with her BS or even someone else, just makes the whole thing irrealistic. You just can't go back to the moment you were friends because a lot of intimacy and feelings have been shared since that. It's just not doable...

 

Plus I wouldn't want to be friend with someone who threw me under the bus, it is not "forgiveness" it is lack of self respect and dignity, I would want that...

[Hazyhead]

Nah... not for me. Part of the moving on process is accepting that they are in the past. With affairs as well, it's very hard to draw a line in the sand and say 'You know all that drama and pain? Let's just out that aside and be chums'. There is no place for him as a friend in my life, and those things that friends do for one another, I could never do for him and wouldn't want him to do for me. Plus, on the OW/OM board, we are always reading about LC or 'let's be friends' situations that do not end up well.

 

Why would you want them as a friend CiK, after everything?

[Owl]

I have a question that's been bugging me for a few days & just thought I'd run it up the flag pole here & see what happens.

 

Why can't affair partners be friends after the affair is over?

 

I'm not saying intimate friends. I'm not saying talk every day or even every week. I'm saying - email every now & then to see how they are. Check in from time to time......Kind of like friends that don't live close by each other & can't see one another often.

 

Remember - the two of you were lovers, friends.....etc. You thought the world of each other at one point in your life.They were NOT the devil then - why is it necessary for them to be the devil now? Why is FULL NC so necessary?

 

I realize that to be BFF's again MAY mean that you'd/I'd/We could easily fall back into the old pattern(possibly) But does it HAVE to be like that?

 

How many threads have you seen about affairs with "old flames"...or threads where the affair between two previous affair partners "flared up again" years later because contact never ceased, or resumed at some later point?

 

They can't be friends as long as they choose to remain in a committed relationship with someone else...because that "friendship" can absolutely remain a risk to the committed relationship.

 

Is it POSSIBLE that they're friendship might never go back into an affair?

 

Of course it's POSSIBLE.

 

But it's also entirely likely that it will.

 

And...the added stress to the marriage relationship created by leaving that gap open after an affair would likely be an massive drain and eventual relationship buster. There is NO WAY it's reasonable to expect your BS to accept that friendship without concern.

 

Part of "recovery" is learning from the mistakes that lead to the affair, and 'affair-proofing' the marriage as best as you can. Maintaining ANY kind of contact with the affair partner is completely contrary to this.

 

Instead, it's going to foster distrust instead of building trust. It's going to create tension instead of harmony.

 

Frankly, for most BS's this is the very first, major, critical REQUIREMENT for them to consider reconciliation.

[RobD70]

I realize that to be BFF's again MAY mean that you'd/I'd/We could easily fall back into the old pattern(possibly) But does it HAVE to be like that?

 

Pretty much yes.

 

You have probably greater than a 90% chance of starting up the affair again if you keep contact (my wife did).

 

If you are married, it is NEVER a good idea to be close to someone of the opposite sex. Most affairs happen by proxy and can be with the least likely person. The guy my wife was with was 20 years older than her (she likes younger), not her type and was married. I almost laughed when I found out because I thought it was a joke.

 

But they were business partners and he had a game running.

 

So being friends with an AP is just asking for trouble. There's no point in it unless you are trying to sabotage you current relationship.

[strength-abounds]

Honestly, I would not like the idea of knowing that my EW's "new buddy" has seen the most intimate parts of her body. Sorry, no deal.

[Spark1111]

How many threads have you seen about affairs with "old flames"...or threads where the affair between two previous affair partners "flared up again" years later because contact never ceased, or resumed at some later point?

 

They can't be friends as long as they choose to remain in a committed relationship with someone else...because that "friendship" can absolutely remain a risk to the committed relationship.

 

Is it POSSIBLE that they're friendship might never go back into an affair?

 

Of course it's POSSIBLE.

 

But it's also entirely likely that it will.

 

And...the added stress to the marriage relationship created by leaving that gap open after an affair would likely be an massive drain and eventual relationship buster. There is NO WAY it's reasonable to expect your BS to accept that friendship without concern.

 

Part of "recovery" is learning from the mistakes that lead to the affair, and 'affair-proofing' the marriage as best as you can. Maintaining ANY kind of contact with the affair partner is completely contrary to this.

 

Instead, it's going to foster distrust instead of building trust. It's going to create tension instead of harmony.

 

Frankly, for most BS's this is the very first, major, critical REQUIREMENT for them to consider reconciliation.

 

 

I so agree with OWL!

 

If he can be friends with his fOW, than I can call that old college boyfriend and initiate a friendship with him! I'm sure my H would just love that!

 

It's disrespectful to the marriage.

 

But I also think that xAP who insist on remaining friends do so for two reasons:

 

If you agree to it, it allows them to feel LESS GUILTY of the break-up and all its aftermath because they can say: "BUT we are STILL FRIENDS," as if that made being thrown under the bus less painful for you.

 

AND,

 

It keeps a door open should they still refuse to address the issues in their marriage, you will STILL be a shoulder to cry on, a validator, a potential F-buddy.

 

See? It is still all about YOU meeting their needs.

 

So, it is also disrespectful to you, the fAP, IMHO.

[xxoo]

I think this is a question better answered by the individual BS in an affair situation. Ask the BS how they feel about their fWS remaining in casual contact with the fAP.

 

If I were a BS, I think my response would be "Why?" Why remain in contact with this person if it hurts me? Why is the burden on me to justify "Why not"?

[bentnotbroken]

For me once the boundaries of friendship has been crossed and the pain of the intimate relationship caused so much destruction...why in the world would someone want to visit that pain on the BS for them to remember? The mind movies are bad enough, why would a BS want to know that you are having a good old friendship with the person who helped to place those mind movies there? Why would one want the BS to be in pain again?

 

Shirley Glass and James Dodson both talked about repairing a marriage and being friends with the AP wasn't part of the equation...it only adds new devastation.

[YellowShark]

It's like asking why can't recovering alcoholics have a drink once and a while.

 

'nuff said.

[confusedinkansas]

Ok. I totally get what you're all saying.

 

Let's take the word FRIENDS (the way most of us look at that word) out of the equasion. You're not looking to spend time with this person per-se. You're not going to have drinks, help them move, watch a football game, go to their birthday parties.......yadda yadda yadda........Only check up/in with them from time to time.......To see how they're doing & what's new in their life.

 

You can be friends with old boyfriends & or girlfriends.....How is this that different?

[Hazyhead]

Ok. I totally get what you're all saying.

 

Let's take the word FRIENDS (the way most of us look at that word) out of the equasion. You're not looking to spend time with this person per-se. You're not going to have drinks, help them move, watch a football game, go to their birthday parties.......yadda yadda yadda........Only check up/in with them from time to time.......To see how they're doing & what's new in their life.

 

You can be friends with old boyfriends & or girlfriends.....How is this that different?

 

But you have that history. What good can it possibly do? The cliche that jumps into my head is, curiosity killed the cat. And so you find out that they're single, still funny and charming... what then?

[SoulStorm]

How about taking time to read this popular thread from another website

 

http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=342003

[bentnotbroken]

How about taking time to read this popular thread from another website

 

http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=342003

 

 

I like this. If you were an enemy of the marriage, you certainly can't turn around and become friends of that same marriage.

[xxoo]

Ok. I totally get what you're all saying.

 

Let's take the word FRIENDS (the way most of us look at that word) out of the equasion. You're not looking to spend time with this person per-se. You're not going to have drinks, help them move, watch a football game, go to their birthday parties.......yadda yadda yadda........Only check up/in with them from time to time.......To see how they're doing & what's new in their life.

 

You can be friends with old boyfriends & or girlfriends.....How is this that different?

 

It is different because the exAP is the person with whom you betrayed your spouse.

 

Checking in from time to time only shows that you still think of them. It shows that to the BS and to the exAP. If I were a BS, I wouldn't be able to handle it. It would be like opening the wound--putting your own feelings, or the feelings of the exAP, before my feelings all over again.

 

There are consequences to having an affair. A typical consequence, if you want to keep your spouse, is NC ever again with the affair partner. Most BS's are going to need that in order to heal.

[SoulStorm]

I like this. If you were an enemy of the marriage, you certainly can't turn around and become friends of that same marriage.

Precisely!

 

You are asking your spouse or partner to be ok with someone who was helping you destroy your marriage or relationship..be your friend again.

 

He/she can't be a friend..he/she has become an enemy to your betrayed spouse...forever.

So whoever is an enemy to your partner concerning the relationship..should also be an enemy to you.

 

To think otherwise is not being empathetic to your partner and is somewhat selfish.

[Owl]

Ok. I totally get what you're all saying.

 

Let's take the word FRIENDS (the way most of us look at that word) out of the equasion. You're not looking to spend time with this person per-se. You're not going to have drinks, help them move, watch a football game, go to their birthday parties.......yadda yadda yadda........Only check up/in with them from time to time.......To see how they're doing & what's new in their life.

 

You can be friends with old boyfriends & or girlfriends.....How is this that different?

 

Once again...how could you expect the BS to accept that?

 

The relationship with those previous bf/gf weren't a direct BETRAYAL of the BS...the affair relationship was.

 

And...I also believe that my comments tie right back into the previous bf/gf interactions as well.

 

We've seen scores (if not hundreds) of posts on LS where an affair was started with an old flame.

 

Personally...I do NOT maintain ANY kind of interaction with previous GF's...no would I be comfortable if my wife wanted to do the same with previous BF's...for the reasons cited earlier.

 

Once you're intimate...the "risk" of resuming that intimacy remains.

 

This all ties into why I don't believe that close opposite sex friends are healthy for a marriage either. And you can't get much closer than having been emotionally/physically intimate at some point.

 

If you're in a committed relationship with your spouse...then you should not engage in relationships that represent a significant risk to that relationship. PERIOD.

 

I would suspect that this is probably crystal clear for the majority of people who have been the BS at least once. You learn (the hard way) about those risks. I think that most WS's who successfully recover their marriage have to learn that same lesson...or their marriage remains at a higher risk of this happening again.

[Dexter Morgan]

I have a question that's been bugging me for a few days & just thought I'd run it up the flag pole here & see what happens.

 

Why can't affair partners be friends after the affair is over?

 

 

because its disrespectful to the BS unless the BS specifically gives the OK.

 

After an affair, if the BS feels its inappropriate and feels uncomfortable with it, it is not acceptable.

 

 

Remember - the two of you were lovers, friends.....etc. You thought the world of each other at one point in your life.They were NOT the devil then - why is it necessary for them to be the devil now? Why is FULL NC so necessary?

 

because if you have any respect or caring for the person you betrayed, again assuming the BS wants the NC, then you won't have any contact with the x-boning partner.

 

if a spouse is perfectly ok with their cheating spouse being friends with the person they did the horizontal mambo with, thats up to them. otherwise if the BS doesn't like it, its disrespectful and not helpful to the marriage if the cheater keeps in any contact with the AP

[Dexter Morgan]

Once again...how could you expect the BS to accept that?

 

its out of selfishness, one trait that we all know a cheater has to begin with.

[YellowShark]

Having an affair is wrong morally, and ethically. That is a nobrainer. Staying "buddies" with your affair partner after-the-fact is frankly additional unhealthy and toxic behaviour.

 

When people try to grasp at rationalizations to justify their unhealthy and toxic behaviour... well let's just say that just reveals alot about their personality.

 

That's just my 2 cents.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Ok. I totally get what you're all saying.

Let's take the word FRIENDS (the way most of us look at that word) out of the equasion. You're not looking to spend time with this person per-se. You're not going to have drinks, help them move, watch a football game, go to their birthday parties.......yadda yadda yadda........Only check up/in with them from time to time.......To see how they're doing & what's new in their life.

You can be friends with old boyfriends & or girlfriends.....How is this that different?

 

Why do you care what he is doing? If you are "Over it" you won't care. If you are deeply interested... it means your not as emotionally invested in your spouse as you should be.

 

and No, I don't typically have the desire to be friends with an X.

 

So... is this a personal issue? Not happy with the H today?

[donnamaybe]

You can be friends with old boyfriends & or girlfriends.....How is this that different?

Because the spouse was betrayed with the AP. The spouse wasn't betrayed with someone who was with you prior to your marriage. IMO, remaining friends with the person you screwed around with behind your spouse's back would be like flipping your spouse a big ol' rigid middle finger.

[confusedinkansas]

Why do you care what he is doing? If you are "Over it" you won't care. If you are deeply interested... it means your not as emotionally invested in your spouse as you should be.

 

and No, I don't typically have the desire to be friends with an X.

 

So... is this a personal issue? Not happy with the H today?

 

LOL......I was waiting for a post like this one.

I never said I wanted to contact him nor did I say I cared one way or the other about him or what he's doing.

 

It was just a question. I could go into detail about WHY I asked.....if it's necessary.

[Summer Breeze]

I've never been friends with an ex. They're an ex for a reason. Besides that I don't want to have to explain their being in my life to another partner and I don't want to have to explain my being in theirs to their partner. To me it wouldn't matter if it was A or a standard R.