Why Not?

[kuma]

It was just a question. I could go into detail about WHY I asked.....if it's necessary.

 

Did your xMM contact you? You have to ignore him. He wants to be more than friends!

[Owl]

LOL......I was waiting for a post like this one.

I never said I wanted to contact him nor did I say I cared one way or the other about him or what he's doing.

 

It was just a question. I could go into detail about WHY I asked.....if it's necessary.

 

Well...since you KNEW that this kind of question was going to be raised...and frankly I have NO doubt that UTF was not the only one wondering if there was some personal motive behind the question (I have to admit that I was wondering the same thing)...why didn't you just admit up front about the reason behind the question rather than wait for someone to ask???

[yessy21]

noooooooooo u cannot be friends. it wont work

[confusedinkansas]

Well...since you KNEW that this kind of question was going to be raised...and frankly I have NO doubt that UTF was not the only one wondering if there was some personal motive behind the question (I have to admit that I was wondering the same thing)...why didn't you just admit up front about the reason behind the question rather than wait for someone to ask???

 

I expected a "Bashing Like" post/assumption on why I'd asked the question. Which I got.

Anyway, I didn't say why I was asking because it's really not a matter of Why I asked.......I was just curious as to how others felt on the subject.

[donnamaybe]

Did your xMM contact you? You have to ignore him. He wants to be more than friends!

And this is what people will naturally assume is going on sans a stated reason for the question.

[confusedinkansas]

Did your xMM contact you? You have to ignore him. He wants to be more than friends!

 

Yes - He sends one liner emails about once every 2 or 3 months.

So the reasoning for the question here is - do others feel the way I do?

I thought that maybe I'm the crazy one for thinking this is ridiculous for him to be wasting his time doing this?

 

But it just got me to thinking........Why can't X-AP's be friends?

 

Because APPARENTLY He has no issue with it whatsoever

[Owl]

I expected a "Bashing Like" post/assumption on why I'd asked the question. Which I got.

Anyway, I didn't say why I was asking because it's really not a matter of Why I asked.......I was just curious as to how others felt on the subject.

 

Well, you could have attempted to 'head it off at the pass', and stated the reason for the question up front, no?

 

Why not head off the drama rather than ask for it to come?

 

Given that...what prompted the question to come to your mind in the first place, if you don't mind my asking?

 

Also curious...do you agree or disagree with the answers you got?

[donnamaybe]

Yes - He sends one liner emails about once every 2 or 3 months.

So the reasoning for the question here is - do others feel the way I do?

I thought that maybe I'm the crazy one for thinking this is ridiculous for him to be wasting his time doing this?

 

But it just got me to thinking........Why can't X-AP's be friends?

 

Because APPARENTLY He has no issue with it whatsoever

But does his spouse know he's contacting you? I'm betting no.

[Owl]

Yes - He sends one liner emails about once every 2 or 3 months.

So the reasoning for the question here is - do others feel the way I do?

I thought that maybe I'm the crazy one for thinking this is ridiculous for him to be wasting his time doing this?

 

But it just got me to thinking........Why can't X-AP's be friends?

 

Because APPARENTLY He has no issue with it whatsoever

 

You realize of course that he doesn't want to be your friend...so I don't get why you're even surprised that he keeps trying?

 

It's not like he really wants to "just be friends'...and your rolleyes shows you realize this. So where do YOU stand on the subject?

[SoulStorm]

He's fishing. Figures you cheated with him before..he can get you to do it again

[anne1707]

But it just got me to thinking........Why can't X-AP's be friends?

 

Because APPARENTLY He has no issue with it whatsoever

 

Well I know without asking my H that he would certainly have issue with me if I was friends with the ex-OM. It's bad enough for him that we still work together and therefore do see and talk to each other. However it is all work related - anything more than that would be incredibly disrespectful, cruel and selfish.

[East7]

I

But I also think that xAP who insist on remaining friends do so for two reasons:

 

 

1. If you agree to it, it allows them to feel LESS GUILTY of the break-up and all its aftermath because they can say: "BUT we are STILL FRIENDS," as if that made being thrown under the bus less painful for you.
   
2. It keeps a door open should they still refuse to address the issues in their marriage, you will STILL be a shoulder to cry on, a validator a potential F-buddy.
   

See? It is still all about YOU meeting their needs.

 

So, it is also disrespectful to you, the fAP, IMHO.

 

You have read in my mind Spark!!!

I agree 10000%

 

This all ties into why I don't believe that close opposite sex friends are healthy for a marriage either.

 

Well, I don't agree with this. I am close friends to women married or in committed R, I don't feel like I am a potential risk to their M. Sincere friendship between opposite sex persons is nothing wrong. Of course I am not talking about fAP friendship. A married man and a married woman can be friends if they don't cross the borders. It's all about responsibility.

[phillygirl]

 

Why can't affair partners be friends after the affair is over?

 

 

i'll offer an anecdote:

about a year ago, my xMM (+10 years ago) found me on FB. he also saw a picture of my husband and our kids. his message: "you broke my heart...i always dreamed that i would be the one to marry you?" he also included very salacious details about our "relationship."

 

my reply:

 

"you dreamed you'd marry me? why? so that you could lie to me and cheat with the next 28 yo grad student intern? or perhaps you can lie to me on the phone, that you're working very hard as some young women is on her knees pleasuring you?"

 

he attempted to evade the questions by rationalizing that "it was different with her"; followed by an invitation to dinner to "make up for any hurt he'd caused me." he then asked if we could be friends. i bet you can guess my answer.

 

no. no. no. and hell no.

 

xaffair partners rarely can be "just friends" because the relationship was built on blurred boundaries and deception. why on earth would one want to continue a relationship with someone with such questionable moral judgment?"

[confusedinkansas]

But does his spouse know he's contacting you? I'm betting no.

He is divorced from the woman he was married to while he & I were together. Last I heard (2+ years ago) he had a GF (that left her husband for him-Whoop Whoop!)

 

It's not like he really wants to "just be friends'...and your rolleyes shows you realize this. So where do YOU stand on the subject?

The "eyeroll" was because I'm ASSUMING he has no issue otherwise why is he emailing me?

He did only ask to see me "for a drink".....I am not naive. But I also know that sometimes there's no more to read into things than just what it is....A Drink........Doesn't mean that I want to find out if there's more though.

[phillygirl]

Yes - He sends one liner emails about once every 2 or 3 months.

 

there's a niffy little feature on most pop email accounts called "block user." try it. he can't email you if he's blocked to your account.

 

bottom line, you can't control his behavior. you might feel little control over your feelings. so change your behavior until you work through the feelings.

 

be well...

[donnamaybe]

He is divorced from the woman he was married to while he & I were together. Last I heard (2+ years ago) he had a GF (that left her husband for him-Whoop Whoop!)

And if he still HAS this GF (which, a guy like this probably will ALWAYS have someone on the line ) she hasn't a CLUE he's contacting you, or if she does know, she won't know your history - at all.

[freestyle]

I think a lot of times some of these (not all) WS's keep in touch with former affair partners just to have the possibility of swinging back to that branch someday.

 

There's some who keep a whole collection of them on the shelf..........

 

.....(in case of emergency, break glass......)

 

for those times when they're needing an ego stroke. Or more.

 

Often times this type of WS doesn't even consider that their actions could be reopening wounds for some of their former APs.As well as disrespecting their BSs.

 

It's all about them.........................

[East7]

I think a lot of times some of these (not all) WS's keep in touch with former affair partners just to have the possibility of swinging back to that branch someday.

It's all about them.........................

 

Yes and that doesn't mean they have any intention of leaving their marriage, I have never heard on LS any xMM/xMW come back to fAP and say "Hey, I'm divorced now, can we talk again ?"

[Spark1111]

You have read in my mind Spark!!!

I agree 10000%

 

 

 

Well, I don't agree with this. I am close friends to women married or in committed R, I don't feel like I am a potential risk to their M. Sincere friendship between opposite sex persons is nothing wrong. Of course I am not talking about fAP friendship. A married man and a married woman can be friends if they don't cross the borders. It's all about responsibility.

 

Thanks, East7! "Why can't we be friends?" is still more conflict avoidance.

 

But I disagree on the second quote of your's. We can have opposite sex acquaintances at work, at the gym, behind the butcher counter....but friends?

 

Not if they are not a friend to both me and my spouse and our marriage. Just cannot be. It is not healthy to the relationship.

 

How many affairs start off as workplace friends? Too many to count, sorry to say.

[Distant78]

Still cheating, basically.

[JustJoe]

CIK, the only person here who isn't able to "let it go", is you. You are constantly posting about your ex-AP,...... why? Not happy in your marriage? Now that some time has passed, are you reconsidering the A? You are fully aware that any renewed contact with OM is not friendship, but a renewal of an EA, and is incredibly disrespectful to your H. That you are even thinking along these lines should be a huge red flag to your H. Assuming that you've told him about the contacts, in the first place.

[donnamaybe]

But I disagree on the second quote of your's. We can have opposite sex acquaintances at work, at the gym, behind the butcher counter....but friends?

Sorry - don't mean to TJ, but this isn't true. I have an opposite sex friend that loves to sing as much as I do, and we go out and do karaoke together. My sweety only likes to go about twice a month, and we go every Friday. He's fine with it, but he's always invited.

 

To me, that would be an indication of something amiss - if your partner wasn't invited along to these "opposite sex friends" get togethers. My sweety is always welcome and, in fact, we would both prefer he come. The more, the merrier!

[Distant78]

Exactly JJ. She's still cheating and she keeps allowing OM to keep in contact with her. Feel sorry for the husband who doesn't know the real news.

[confusedinkansas]

CIK, the only person here who isn't able to "let it go", is you. You are constantly posting about your ex-AP,...... why? Not happy in your marriage? Now that some time has passed, are you reconsidering the A? You are fully aware that any renewed contact with OM is not friendship, but a renewal of an EA, and is incredibly disrespectful to your H. That you are even thinking along these lines should be a huge red flag to your H. Assuming that you've told him about the contacts, in the first place.

 

Basically Joe what you're telling me here is that because I come to LS with a question because HE emailed me.........I can't let it go? ?? Go figure that one out??????!!!!

 

I have not thought for a second along these lines.....Emotionally or Physically. Apparently you didn't read my posts here.

 

It's not my desire to have any contact with him. The question was one that I am of the same belief of everyone else here. That it's not a good idea. He & I did try the friends route during my separation - I of all people know that it can't work.

 

BUT, because he keeps trying to make contact I thought maybe I was being silly or stupid reading more into a drink invitation than what was there. That's why I asked WHY NOT? To get other's perspective on what I already knew was not a good idea.

 

FYI - Hubby's fully aware.

[JustJoe]

Basically Joe what you're telling me here is that because I come to LS with a question because HE emailed me.........I can't let it go? ?? Go figure that one out??????!!!!

 

I have not thought for a second along these lines.....Emotionally or Physically. Apparently you didn't read my posts here.

 

It's not my desire to have any contact with him. The question was one that I am of the same belief of everyone else here. That it's not a good idea. He & I did try the friends route during my separation - I of all people know that it can't work.

 

BUT, because he keeps trying to make contact I thought maybe I was being silly or stupid reading more into a drink invitation than what was there. That's why I asked WHY NOT? To get other's perspective on what I already knew was not a good idea.

 

FYI - Hubby's fully aware.

So you've told your Hub, and have never answered any of the OM's e-mails?