Why Not?

[Distant78]

CIK,

 

While I still don't believe in true friendship after an A or whatever R,

I wanted to add that considering Friendship is a way for many people to search a remedy to the loss of a beloved person.

 

I randomly found a post of yours while browsing another thread :

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2390721&postcount=14

 

I think that you never really wanted to keep contact with him but that he has a special place in your life and I do understand your indulgence for someone that you have loved.

Nevertheless, the bottom-line is that it is not healthy for your marriage to keep contact with him.

 

A special place in her life? Let's be real, if she ever cared about her husband and marriage she would've established COMPLETE NO CONTACT.

[confusedinkansas]

A special place in her life? Let's be real, if she ever cared about her husband and marriage she would've established COMPLETE NO CONTACT.

 

:lmao: For the last 2+ years that's what I've done..... :lmao:

 

East7

I think it's normal for someone after an affair to still have a "special place" in their hearts for the affair partner. I think we wouldn't be human if we didn't.

 

What happened has happened. I can't go back & change anything that happened back then - with the affair - or what was going on in my marriage at that time. I just push forward! Seems to be working out just fine for me so far. I'm trying to learn from what's happened in the past!

[Dexter Morgan]

LOL......I was waiting for a post like this one.

I never said I wanted to contact him nor did I say I cared one way or the other about him or what he's doing.

 

uh huh, thats why you are always making posts like this about the OM...because you don't care.

[Dexter Morgan]

I expected a "Bashing Like" post/assumption on why I'd asked the question. Which I got.

 

we all know why you posted this. you were fishing for this kind of response, the question was not genuine, but posed to ruffle feathers.

[Dexter Morgan]

I think it's normal for someone after an affair to still have a "special place" in their hearts for the affair partner.

 

which is just but one of the reasons I won't stay with a cheater.

[Owl]

:lmao: For the last 2+ years that's what I've done..... :lmao:

 

East7

I think it's normal for someone after an affair to still have a "special place" in their hearts for the affair partner. I think we wouldn't be human if we didn't.

 

What happened has happened. I can't go back & change anything that happened back then - with the affair - or what was going on in my marriage at that time. I just push forward! Seems to be working out just fine for me so far. I'm trying to learn from what's happened in the past!

 

Here's where I struggle.

 

I don't believe that it's at all wise to maintain ANY kind of contact...to include periodically receiving invitations out for drinks/whatever...with a previous affair partner who still "holds a special place" in your heart.

 

It's risky behavior.

 

And even if it's one-sided and unsolicited...it's still contact to receive those invitations.

 

I know you don't agree, CIK, but I still strongly feel that you and your H are making a lot of mistakes in how you're trying to recover and deal with all of this. I wish you the best, but worry that what you're doing may backfire later.

 

Just my thoughts.

[donnamaybe]

:lmao: For the last 2+ years that's what I've done..... :lmao:

Well, not really. You still opt to receive his e-mails when it's clearly very simple to block someone.

[jthorne]

Why can't affair partners be friends after the affair is over?

Because it's disrespectful. I hope you are able to figure out to whom it's disrespectful and why.

 

Perhaps not, hence the thread.

[confusedinkansas]

Those of you that like to give me a hard time - It's ok. I'm used to it here by now.

 

Apparently you didn't read the Reasoning for the question in the first place nor do you quite understand that these emails are unsolicited.

You also didn't ready why they aren't blocked at this time. So I'll say it again - IF it would shoot an email back to him to say he's been blocked then my mission would be accomplished. If he has no idea he's being blocked what difference does it make - 0....None.....Nadda. At this point in the game he may very well THINK he's blocked. I don't know.

When someone doesn't answer emails I'd think there was a reason.......Apparently he doesn't think along the same lines that I do.

[donnamaybe]

Those of you that like to give me a hard time - It's ok. I'm used to it here by now.

 

Apparently you didn't read the Reasoning for the question in the first place nor do you quite understand that these emails are unsolicited.

You also didn't ready why they aren't blocked at this time. So I'll say it again - IF it would shoot an email back to him to say he's been blocked then my mission would be accomplished. If he has no idea he's being blocked what difference does it make - 0....None.....Nadda. At this point in the game he may very well THINK he's blocked. I don't know.

When someone doesn't answer emails I'd think there was a reason.......Apparently he doesn't think along the same lines that I do.

Why do you care whether or not he would receive an e-mail telling him he was blocked? By purposely NOT blocking him, it then appears you enjoy the e-mails being received.

[xxoo]

CIK, do you open the emails? If so, why?

[jthorne]

Those of you that like to give me a hard time - It's ok. I'm used to it here by now.

 

Apparently you didn't read the Reasoning for the question in the first place nor do you quite understand that these emails are unsolicited.

You also didn't ready why they aren't blocked at this time. So I'll say it again - IF it would shoot an email back to him to say he's been blocked then my mission would be accomplished. If he has no idea he's being blocked what difference does it make - 0....None.....Nadda. At this point in the game he may very well THINK he's blocked. I don't know.

When someone doesn't answer emails I'd think there was a reason.......Apparently he doesn't think along the same lines that I do.

Well, that's not what your OP said.

 

In reference to emails... I unfortunately have some experience with that. I used to get periodic, seemingly innocent emails. I have an iphone, so can't block them. (If someone knows how, PLEASE tell me!) I'd delete them unread (unread other than iphone preview before anyone questions how I know they were seemingly innocent) and mention it to my H that I had received an email. After awhile, it got annoying, so I had my H reply to one of the emails to let him know that further contact wasn't welcome. After a long while I received yet another email. Another reply from my H, and nothing since. Problem solved.

 

Something tells me this isn't what you are looking for, though.

[Owl]

Those of you that like to give me a hard time - It's ok. I'm used to it here by now.

 

Apparently you didn't read the Reasoning for the question in the first place nor do you quite understand that these emails are unsolicited.

You also didn't ready why they aren't blocked at this time. So I'll say it again - IF it would shoot an email back to him to say he's been blocked then my mission would be accomplished. If he has no idea he's being blocked what difference does it make - 0....None.....Nadda. At this point in the game he may very well THINK he's blocked. I don't know.

When someone doesn't answer emails I'd think there was a reason.......Apparently he doesn't think along the same lines that I do.

 

See, here's where you're missing the point.

 

Blocking those emails has NOTHING to do with him...it has EVERYTHING to do with you.

 

Contact is still contact. Regardless if it's one-sided, regardless if it's solicited or not.

 

You're still focusing on HIS side of this...what you're not seeing is that continued period contact still keeps you thinking about him.

 

Block his emails so that this stops. Then it doesn't matter whether or not HE "gets the message".

 

You keep wanting HIM to change.

 

To "get it".

 

But that's the flaw here...he's not the one who needs to change. YOU have the power to block him regardless...to remove him...to make it totally irrelevent as to whether or not HE "gets it".

 

What does it HURT to block his emails???? NOTHING

 

What do you gain? One less opportunity for him to even come to mind. One more chance for him to lose space in your heart.

 

See what I'm talking about here?

[confusedinkansas]

CIK, do you open the emails? If so, why?

No I don't open them. The "Subject Line" this time said Free For A Drink Sometime? I don't know if there was any more to it or not.

 

 

After awhile, it got annoying, so I had my H reply to one of the emails to let him know that further contact wasn't welcome. After a long while I received yet another email. Another reply from my H, and nothing since. Problem solved

This may be a good idea. Obviously not one my husband & I have discussed. I asked my him again last night - Do you think I should say something so that he doesn't keep doing this - My husband has always said it bothers me more than it does him. He has WAY more on his mind than to keep drudging up the past.

Hubby said - "I suppose you could if you wanted to, but I wouldn't. Just ignore him."

I'd love to just delete the entire email address but it's VERY old & I have no idea what the security question or answer is so that I can delete it. (Obviously then he'd get the 'bounced back mailer-deamon' - which is what I'd like to happen)

I don't even check it that often.

Edited December 8, 2010 by confusedinkansas

[Hazyhead]

See, here's where you're missing the point.

 

Blocking those emails has NOTHING to do with him...it has EVERYTHING to do with you.

 

Contact is still contact. Regardless if it's one-sided, regardless if it's solicited or not.

 

You're still focusing on HIS side of this...what you're not seeing is that continued period contact still keeps you thinking about him.

 

Block his emails so that this stops. Then it doesn't matter whether or not HE "gets the message".

 

You keep wanting HIM to change.

 

To "get it".

 

But that's the flaw here...he's not the one who needs to change. YOU have the power to block him regardless...to remove him...to make it totally irrelevent as to whether or not HE "gets it".

 

What does it HURT to block his emails???? NOTHING

 

What do you gain? One less opportunity for him to even come to mind. One more chance for him to lose space in your heart.

 

See what I'm talking about here?

 

This is how I feel. Who cares whether he notices you've blocked him or not? Let him go on writing to you to no avail, no skin of your nose. The point in blocking him should be to get him out of your life. Gone. No more reading his emails. If I'm honest, I think there is a part of you that likes knowing what he's up to.

[xxoo]

The thing about blocking someone/him on my email....1) I could do that, but it doesn't bounce back to him & tell him he's been blocked.....so what's the point. 2) he'll just move on to my work email that I can't change & is published online - He still knows where I work, if he's hell bent on finding me to talk with me, he will. He's no dummy!!

 

The point of blocking him is so that you don't receive the emails--not him knowing he is blocked. He can send send send to his heart's content and it will never reach you. It is the low-drama win.

 

He won't move on to your work email, because he won't know anything has changed. He'll keep sending to this email, but you will be blissfully unaware.

 

No I don't open them. The "Subject Line" this time said Free For A Drink Sometime? I don't know if there was any more to it or not.

 

You said they were one-line emails, so it sounded like you've been opening them.

 

It is so simple to block an email addy. Not doing so does seem to be an active choice. Why even see his emails if you really don't want to?

[Dexter Morgan]

Those of you that like to give me a hard time - It's ok. I'm used to it here by now.

 

Apparently you didn't read the Reasoning for the question in the first place nor do you quite understand that these emails are unsolicited.

 

he keeps trying because you ALLOW it. and what does unsolicited emails have to do with the fact you are asking about being friends with x-APs? Obviously you want to be his friend, so citing that they are unsolicited is irrelevant.

 

 

You also didn't ready why they aren't blocked at this time. So I'll say it again - IF it would shoot an email back to him to say he's been blocked then my mission would be accomplished. If he has no idea he's being blocked what difference does it make - 0....None.....Nadda.

 

 

you can dodge this issue all you want. bottom line is you are allowing it and not telling him to respect your marriage and f##k off.

 

the contact keeps coming because you want it to..plain and simple..deny it all you want.

 

 

When someone doesn't answer emails I'd think there was a reason.......Apparently he doesn't think along the same lines that I do.

 

he probably thinks, "she isn't answering, but she isn't telling me to go to hell either....she still cares about me...so I'll keep trying"

[Dexter Morgan]

See, here's where you're missing the point.

 

Blocking those emails has NOTHING to do with him...it has EVERYTHING to do with you.

 

 

Exactly!!! If she doesn't block them, then she gets the joy of seeing that he is still trying, and/or reading what he writes to her.

[Dexter Morgan]

IMO, CIK still wants to be in contact with other man, even if it is one sided, and never wants him to go away.

 

Lets take a poll. How many here think she still wants OM in her life in some way?

 

My vote: yes

[AlektraClementine]

IMO, CIK still wants to be in contact with other man, even if it is one sided, and never wants him to go away.

 

Lets take a poll. How many here think she still wants OM in her life in some way?

 

My vote: yes

 

Indubitably

[donnamaybe]

IMO, CIK still wants to be in contact with other man, even if it is one sided, and never wants him to go away.

 

Lets take a poll. How many here think she still wants OM in her life in some way?

 

My vote: yes

Agreed. Otherwise the block would have been put in place long ago.

[confusedinkansas]

he keeps trying because you ALLOW it. and what does unsolicited emails have to do with the fact you are asking about being friends with x-APs? Obviously you want to be his friend, so citing that they are unsolicited is irrelevant.

Silly Dex. If you'd have read the whole thread the reason I asked was because "Maybe I'm the STUPID one for NOT wanting to be friends" "Maybe I'm crazy that I don't answer his emails" Because after all, we were friends once.

 

the contact keeps coming because you want it to..plain and simple..deny it all you want.

Yep I can:)

 

he probably thinks, "she isn't answering, but she isn't telling me to go to hell either....she still cares about me...so I'll keep trying"

 

Lets take a poll. How many here think she still wants OM in her life in some way?

 

My vote: yes

Poll away.....That's the beauty of this site. We don't always have to agree. Making assumptions about people when you don't know them is a very unattractive trait.

 

OH & thanks for getting off topic. MANY posts ago I said that I agreed that trying to be friends wasn't a good idea, that I had no desire & wouldn't go there........ Since when is it BAD in LS to "Toss something up the flag pole" even if YOU yourself AGREE with what everyone has said ON THE SUBJECT OF FRIENDS?

[xxoo]

Why not block the emails, then?

 

IMO, it is a GOOD thing that he wouldn't get a "blocked" message in return. That would say: I got all your emails thus far, and just now blocked you. Why would you want to communicate that?

[anne1707]

See, here's where you're missing the point.

 

Blocking those emails has NOTHING to do with him...it has EVERYTHING to do with you.

 

Contact is still contact. Regardless if it's one-sided, regardless if it's solicited or not.

 

You're still focusing on HIS side of this...what you're not seeing is that continued period contact still keeps you thinking about him.

 

Block his emails so that this stops. Then it doesn't matter whether or not HE "gets the message".

 

You keep wanting HIM to change.

 

To "get it".

 

But that's the flaw here...he's not the one who needs to change. YOU have the power to block him regardless...to remove him...to make it totally irrelevent as to whether or not HE "gets it".

 

What does it HURT to block his emails???? NOTHING

 

What do you gain? One less opportunity for him to even come to mind. One more chance for him to lose space in your heart.

 

See what I'm talking about here?

 

Owl, once again, has hit the nail on the head.

 

To spend this much time on a thread about the ex-OM indicates that he is too much on your mind - you are still investing your time in the affair even though you say it is all behind you.

 

I am over 2 years post D-day and have the dubious pleasure () of working with the ex-OM but even with that unavoidable contact that I have, I do not spend time thinking about any contact beyond what is neccessary to do my job. I struggled with this for way too long after the affair but that battle ended a long time ago. His behaviour is still sometimes less than appropriate (even though he is now a newlywed) but I do not react to it and feed his ego. I also keep my H fully informed.

 

I spent too much time on him in the past and not only does my H not deserve me thinking about the ex-OM like that, I don't deserve it. I have moved on from that time and am getting on with my life with my husband. I'll be damned if I let the ex-OM take anything more from my marriage.

[donnamaybe]

Why not block the emails, then?

 

IMO, it is a GOOD thing that he wouldn't get a "blocked" message in return. That would say: I got all your emails thus far, and just now blocked you. Why would you want to communicate that?

Exactly. As for assumptions, I can't see how it's odd for anyone to assume that someone who has purposely NOT blocked e-mails still wants them to arrive.