Why Not?

[Owl]

Never mind.

[confusedinkansas]

So you've told your Hub, and have never answered any of the OM's e-mails?

EXACTLY

On hubby's advice........Ignore him. He'll eventually get the idea & go away.

 

Owl.....It was never my intention to meet him for a drink. Now or ever. No, I'm not looking for softer fuzzier answers to this. As I've said - I didn't contact him, he contacted me. That wasn't the purpose of the question

 

Exactly JJ. She's still cheating and she keeps allowing OM to keep in contact with her. Feel sorry for the husband who doesn't know the real news

Not sure how you figure this.....but OK..Weird.

[anne1707]

My H would consider a friendship between the ex-OM and I as a betrayal - just as the affair was. It is just not an option.

 

Apart from that, I just would not want to give the ex-OM the time of day if I could help it.

[Distant78]

Not sure how you figure this.....but OK..Weird.

 

Nah, not weird, but expected.

[Spark1111]

Sorry - don't mean to TJ, but this isn't true. I have an opposite sex friend that loves to sing as much as I do, and we go out and do karaoke together. My sweety only likes to go about twice a month, and we go every Friday. He's fine with it, but he's always invited.

 

To me, that would be an indication of something amiss - if your partner wasn't invited along to these "opposite sex friends" get togethers. My sweety is always welcome and, in fact, we would both prefer he come. The more, the merrier!

 

Unless you have been the victim of an affair. I was invited (last minute, of course! Especially on evenings it was almost impossible to attend!)

 

And I heard her name a lot in the beginning of their work friendship...and as it progressed to an EA...no more, not a word, which IS ONE OF THE SIGNS of trouble according to all the Infidelity gurus. Who knew? Not me.

 

So for us, unless it is a dear friend to both of us, it is not a friend for one of us if that person is of the opposite sex.

 

Before the affair, I had no problem with the situation you described. But since one of us had a problem with boundaries, we both adhere to very strong boundaries today.

 

It just wouldn't be good for us.

[Spark1111]

Basically Joe what you're telling me here is that because I come to LS with a question because HE emailed me.........I can't let it go? ?? Go figure that one out??????!!!!

 

I have not thought for a second along these lines.....Emotionally or Physically. Apparently you didn't read my posts here.

 

It's not my desire to have any contact with him. The question was one that I am of the same belief of everyone else here. That it's not a good idea. He & I did try the friends route during my separation - I of all people know that it can't work.

 

BUT, because he keeps trying to make contact I thought maybe I was being silly or stupid reading more into a drink invitation than what was there. That's why I asked WHY NOT? To get other's perspective on what I already knew was not a good idea.

 

FYI - Hubby's fully aware.

 

CIF, glad you are aware. He wants to feel less guilty about how it ended, and/or he wants to see if you will leave the door open for him to a) cry on your shoulder, or b) validate him, or c) become an occasional fbuddy.

 

You seem like a nice person, but does he assume you are a weak one? Because "Let's still be friends" is one of the oldest lines in the book. And I think personally, you are much smarter than that.

 

It amazes me that in establishing NC, former lovers just need to believe how we sit around and pine for them.

 

Sheesh! What a daydream to boost one's ego!

[East7]

But I disagree on the second quote of your's. We can have opposite sex acquaintances at work, at the gym, behind the butcher counter....but friends?

 

Not if they are not a friend to both me and my spouse and our marriage. Just cannot be. It is not healthy to the relationship.

 

How many affairs start off as workplace friends? Too many to count, sorry to say.

 

Come on, we are not in Afghanistan

 

Why can't a man and a woman be friends ? Just Because they are committed in relationships ? Let's not be paranoiac, just because 2 people are committed in other relationships doesn't necessarily mean that they will have an A.

 

When you are in a relationship, you need to trust the SO and he/she needs to be responsible of his/her actions, period. The marriage or a R is not a prison, it is all about personal responsibility.

[Spark1111]

Come on, we are not in Afghanistan

 

Why can't a man and a woman be friends ? Just Because they are committed in relationships ? Let's not be paranoiac, just because 2 people are committed in other relationships doesn't necessarily mean that they will have an A.

 

When you are in a relationship, you need to trust the SO and he/she needs to be responsible of his/her actions, period. The marriage or a R is not a prison, it is all about personal responsibility.

 

I couldn't agree more with you, pre=affair. I was the wife who allowed her H to go out of town for weekends golfing; nonplussed (perhaps the ONLY wife in our peer group) when he attended bachelor parties or corporate holiday parties hosted at strip joints. He could be late, because of working hard, long hours at the office, and I would support him to do so.

 

Don't you get it? Have you ever been betrayed like this?

 

I soooo loved and trusted this man and his love for me, that the title of this chapter should read: "My Wife Made Having An Affair A Piece Of Cake For ME!"

 

And until you have personally felt that breech, don't judge.

 

Because at this point in restoring trust, he wants it as much as I do. In fact, more.

 

Why? Not because I am afraid he will cheat again; not that he is afraid he will cheat again; he fears I will be tempted to cheat now that, having lost my innocence, I realize how damn easy it is if I so chose to do so!

 

It is called projection, and many a BS, in addition to everything else we have to endure, have to endure this also at the hands of our WS. It is a normal part of THEIR healing process.

 

We keep these boundaries TODAY out of respect to the marriage. I keep these boundaries also, out of respect for him.

[phillygirl]

I have never heard on LS any xMM/xMW come back to fAP and say "Hey, I'm divorced now, can we talk again ?"

 

in my experience, most don't. they just move on to the next "you are so special, i really love you" oW who will buy their crap. and then when she leaves, the cycle continues. and most NEVER LEAVE THEIR WIVES...

[wheelwright]

I had a very good friendship with my teenage (not very sexual R) for many years into my LTR.

 

Are people on this thread saying we can only connect with same sex Rs after M?

 

Isn't it about the way you connect?

 

With a view to seeing, being with another or with a view to being unfaithful?

 

Because if I am only ever allowed to connect with my SO, and no male other, then I think I would be in some kind of chains.

[SoulStorm]

I had a very good friendship with my teenage (not very sexual R) for many years into my LTR.

 

Are people on this thread saying we can only connect with same sex Rs after M?

 

Isn't it about the way you connect?

 

With a view to seeing, being with another or with a view to being unfaithful?

 

Because if I am only ever allowed to connect with my SO, and no male other, then I think I would be in some kind of chains.

 

 

What do you mean by "connect"?

 

If you are married I would say you should connect with your spouse.

Why would you want to connect with another male other than your spouse?

 

Marriage is a union of two and that is where the connection is most important.

If you need other male counsel, then you cannot truly identify with the sanctity of marriage.

 

Vows include "forsaking all others, cherishing and obeying"

 

If you are not willing to do that..then the "chains of marriage" is not for you.

[xxoo]

I had a very good friendship with my teenage (not very sexual R) for many years into my LTR.

 

Are people on this thread saying we can only connect with same sex Rs after M?

 

Isn't it about the way you connect?

 

With a view to seeing, being with another or with a view to being unfaithful?

 

Because if I am only ever allowed to connect with my SO, and no male other, then I think I would be in some kind of chains.

 

I'm not saying that at all. I have friends of the opposite sex, and have throughout my marriage. My H does, too. It is not an issue for us.

 

If either of us had an affair, any relationship with that individual would have to end for the marriage to survive.

 

Reading Spark's posts on the realitities after an affair--having boundaries that exclude opposite-sex friendships for both partners--I wonder, is it worth it? Wouldn't it be better to just end it, and start over with someone trustworthy? I wouldn't want to live a life limited to only female friendships just because my husband couldn't keep the appropriate boundaries. Also, I wonder where this leaves bisexual individuals? No friendships are appropriate?

[wheelwright]

What do you mean by "connect"?

 

If you are married I would say you should connect with your spouse.

Why would you want to connect with another male other than your spouse?

 

Marriage is a union of two and that is where the connection is most important.

If you need other male counsel, then you cannot truly identify with the sanctity of marriage.

 

Vows include "forsaking all others, cherishing and obeying"

 

If you are not willing to do that..then the "chains of marriage" is not for you.

 

Yes maybe you are right.

 

I used to feel that too.

 

Now I don't sleep with other people because I don't want to not because I'm M.

 

I fear I may go back on well run ground, BUT

 

This whole cherishing etc means loving the person you M in an active way.

 

Not all people are good at that. Are you?

[wheelwright]

What do you mean by "connect"?

 

If you are married I would say you should connect with your spouse.

Why would you want to connect with another male other than your spouse?

 

 

There is one person on this planet I have wanted to spend my life with.

 

Circumstances did the rest.

[Distant78]

There is one person on this planet I have wanted to spend my life with.

 

Circumstances did the rest.

 

What do you mean circumstances? Just because you did the dirty dancing doesn't mean everyone else will.

[wheelwright]

What do you mean circumstances? Just because you did the dirty dancing doesn't mean everyone else will.

 

I don't get this?

[confusedinkansas]

CIF, glad you are aware. He wants to feel less guilty about how it ended, and/or he wants to see if you will leave the door open for him to a) cry on your shoulder, or b) validate him, or c) become an occasional fbuddy.

 

You seem like a nice person, but does he assume you are a weak one? Because "Let's still be friends" is one of the oldest lines in the book. And I think personally, you are much smarter than that.

 

It amazes me that in establishing NC, former lovers just need to believe how we sit around and pine for them.

 

Sheesh! What a daydream to boost one's ego!

 

He hasn't actually asked "Let's Be Friends" - but for the sake of this thread - I'm assuming he is looking for this......or perhaps more.

The thing is - between he & I NC was never formally established. For me, the fact that he keeps emailing & I keep ignorning - That should say something to him, wouldn't ya think?

 

I belive that since the affair I've grown by leaps & bounds. I guess if I think about it, I was pretty weak back then. Sitting on the fence in my marriage - hanging on to this OM for my "Security & Rock"

 

Besides that, I'm older now...Yep, just had a birthday...Happy Birthday to me & of course somewhat 'wiser'!! If he thinks I'm pining away for him, he's got another thing coming. Now, he may be pining away for me....Oh How Sweet:sick:

 

I lead a pretty guarded life for the most part NOW. I really don't let people get too close. Even now there are times I keep my husband at arms length. So, there's no way in HELL I'm going to be friends, have a drink or your A-B & C above - with this man. EVER!

 

I'm almost tempted to find out if he is still seeing that other woman & drop her a line somehow....Just so she KNOWS what kind of a serial cheater SHE'S dealing with...........

Of course I won't do that - Most here know I'm a "NO Tell" advocate....... But the thought has crossed my mind!

[Owl]

He hasn't actually asked "Let's Be Friends" - but for the sake of this thread - I'm assuming he is looking for this......or perhaps more.

The thing is - between he & I NC was never formally established. For me, the fact that he keeps emailing & I keep ignorning - That should say something to him, wouldn't ya think?

 

Well...I'd hazard a guess that the reason he's still sniffing around you is precisely because you never "formally" established NC.

 

You never set a hard boundary.

 

So he still feels he's got a chance to get back in.

 

My question is...WHY did you never "formally establish NC"?

 

In situations where there is a true d-day, this is nearly always a requirement laid down in order for the BS to consider reconciliation. Or...it's done by the WS who wants to affair-proof their marriage and PROVE their trustworthiness (now) to their BS. Why did neither of these apply to your situation?

 

I belive that since the affair I've grown by leaps & bounds. I guess if I think about it, I was pretty weak back then. Sitting on the fence in my marriage - hanging on to this OM for my "Security & Rock"

 

Besides that, I'm older now...Yep, just had a birthday...Happy Birthday to me & of course somewhat 'wiser'!! If he thinks I'm pining away for him, he's got another thing coming. Now, he may be pining away for me....Oh How Sweet:sick:

 

Trust me, as we've seen amply demonstrated on this site and virtually ever place else...older does NOT equal wiser. Wisdom is gained by learning through experience. Some people don't learn from their experiences...we've seen that time and again on this site.

 

I lead a pretty guarded life for the most part NOW. I really don't let people get too close. Even now there are times I keep my husband at arms length. So, there's no way in HELL I'm going to be friends, have a drink or your A-B & C above - with this man. EVER!

 

Why do you keep your H "at arm's length"????

 

Big red flag to me...he's the only person you should "let in". If you're keeping HIM out...let's just go back to this would be a big red flag to me.

 

I'm almost tempted to find out if he is still seeing that other woman & drop her a line somehow....Just so she KNOWS what kind of a serial cheater SHE'S dealing with...........

Of course I won't do that - Most here know I'm a "NO Tell" advocate....... But the thought has crossed my mind!

 

Why? What do you care what happens to her? You've made it clear that you'd not get involved under the vast majority of cases...so what would really prompt you to even remotely think about doing something like this? You don't care about her at all...so what's the motivation?

[SoulStorm]

Yes maybe you are right.

 

I used to feel that too.

 

Now I don't sleep with other people because I don't want to not because I'm M.

 

I fear I may go back on well run ground, BUT

 

This whole cherishing etc means loving the person you M in an active way.

 

Not all people are good at that. Are you?

 

Yes..married 24 years and still cherish her like I did when I first fell in love with her.

[TerryW]

It sounds like to me that you are still enjoying the drama. You may not have formally ended it but if you truely didn't get some kind of thrill out of seeing him pine for you, you would have blocked his e-mails a while ago. Just my two cents. Take it what it's worth.

[confusedinkansas]

Trust me, as we've seen amply demonstrated on this site and virtually ever place else...older does NOT equal wiser. Wisdom is gained by learning through experience. Some people don't learn from their experiences...we've seen that time and again on this site.

LOL...This was kind of a joke - The Wiser part:)

 

My question is...WHY did you never "formally establish NC"?

Formal NC wasn't established because.... after the affair when we tried to be friends during my separation some things happened & I just flat out would NOT talk to him. That's been over 2 years ago. What would I say now? That's why I've just ignored him.

 

Why do you keep your H "at arm's length"????

Because of things in our past........I don't ALWAYS - I said there are times when I find myself doing this.

 

so what's the motivation?

Lots of things cross my mind on a daily basis - I don't act on them. I'm not going to contact her. Didn't you read what I said. I know that occasionally things get taken out of context here. I won't contact her......She made her bed by having an affair with the X- OM in my life......Fence sat in her marriage & ended up leaving her husband for this X-OM.

 

As for my enjoyment of the drama..........Nope. I have MANY things in my life going on that occupy my time. I've done DRAMA & I have no desire to do DRAMA again.

Just because I came here & asked a question does not mean that I'm looking for drama, that I can't let this other man go. Trust me.....He's been GONE a long time. These random emails every few months - are irritating. I'm just doing what my husband has said to do. Ignore them.

As I mentioned earlier, I asked the question here thinking that maybe I was the one that was being silly in not agreeing to see him the times he's asked. (& on my assumption.....to just be friends, hang out, visit - catch up for old times sake, see how the fam's doing, etc.)

 

The thing about blocking someone/him on my email....1) I could do that, but it doesn't bounce back to him & tell him he's been blocked.....so what's the point. 2) he'll just move on to my work email that I can't change & is published online - He still knows where I work, if he's hell bent on finding me to talk with me, he will. He's no dummy!!

Edited December 7, 2010 by confusedinkansas

[Owl]

You could simply tell him the flat out, straight up truth.

 

Our interactions crossed the line a couple of years ago. Because I'm married and trying to have the best possible marriage I can, I don't believe that there should be ANY further interactions between us. I won't have a drink with you, and I would appreciate it if you stopped emailing/contacting me completely. I want no further interaction with you.

 

 

Simple enough, one time shot...and you can copy your H on that communication as well so that he sees what you're doing.

 

Good for your marriage, and gets this guy completely out of the picture as well. Not to mention it should take like 30 seconds to type and send. Well worth the effort, IMHO.

 

Why not send that right now?

[confusedinkansas]

Why not send that right now?

 

You're right.......however, my husband has said, more than once, to just ignore it. He thinks that any contact, even if I said what you typed here, would be 'contact' & it's not necessary.

 

He knows that my husband & I are back together & that we moved recently (he's commented on this) as I said, he's not a dummy. He knows where I am on certain nights of the week & on Saturday's. He's at least keeping his distance as far as 'bumping into me' at any of these places.

 

Personally, I'm not sure why he hasn't gotten the message in the past. I know that if I tried to contact someone multiple times & never got a response..........I'd sure as hell get it & back the F up.

[Owl]

My guess is that he knows you were weak once in the past, and is hoping to catch you in a moment of weakness again. That, coupled with no hard, fast insistence that he stop on your part means there's no reason for him NOT to contact you periodically in that hope.

 

It doesn't cost him anything to do so...and from his perspective, it might have a big benefit sometime in the future when things aren't going well for you.

 

Not saying that this WILL happen...but from him perspective, it's likely what he's thinking.

[East7]

CIK,

 

While I still don't believe in true friendship after an A or whatever R,

I wanted to add that considering Friendship is a way for many people to search a remedy to the loss of a beloved person.

 

I randomly found a post of yours while browsing another thread :

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2390721&postcount=14

 

I think that you never really wanted to keep contact with him but that he has a special place in your life and I do understand your indulgence for someone that you have loved.

Nevertheless, the bottom-line is that it is not healthy for your marriage to keep contact with him.