husband is attractive, but I don't feel like doing him...

[ColumbiaD]

I'm not sure exactly what I'm looking for, support, sympathy, advice, a place to vent...?

 

I never feel like having sex with my husband anymore, and this really upsets me. I never turn him down when he initiates sex or a bj, but I never initiate anything myself, and I'm really not into it. In fact, I dread him reaching for me at night. Roughly half the time he is physically affectionate in ways that don't lead to sex (kissing, tickling, cuddling) I feel irritated, smothered, and want him out of my personal space. If I look at my husband, I think he's sexy and very good looking, but I just don't have any desire for him most of the time.

[Floridaman]

I'm not sure exactly what I'm looking for, support, sympathy, advice, a place to vent...?

 

I never feel like having sex with my husband anymore, and this really upsets me. I never turn him down when he initiates sex or a bj, but I never initiate anything myself, and I'm really not into it. In fact, I dread him reaching for me at night. Roughly half the time he is physically affectionate in ways that don't lead to sex (kissing, tickling, cuddling) I feel irritated, smothered, and want him out of my personal space. If I look at my husband, I think he's sexy and very good looking, but I just don't have any desire for him most of the time.

Your situation is becoming increasingly more common amongst women and men.

It's crazy but more spouses are witholding and refusing.

I'm one who is on the receiving end of a witholding spouse, and it nearly kills me. This has been going on for years with only sporadic LM.

 

I'd recommend posting at this other board, which is dedicated entirely to the issue.

http://sexlessmarriage.yuku.com/directory

A couple of women there have been long-term refused. ChrisVA could help you and I predict she will respond to your post and give a female perspective.

There are some good books I could recommend as well.

[ColumbiaD]

Thanks, I will check it out. What are the books?

 

Also, we do have sex, I just don't want to, and I'm disturbed by this, and also don't want to have a sexless marriage, adn I want to fulfill his needs...

 

We alternate between having sex once a week and having it every other day. Even during my period he always gets at least one bj.

[Kendrick]

She never said she with held though, she said she just didn't have the desire for him, but doesn't turn him down.

 

Do you feel it could be medically related Or have you possibly lost that emotional connection for him as well? For me, I know my emotins play a big role in the physical part as well.

Edited December 6, 2010 by Kendrick

[Green]

Thanks, I will check it out. What are the books?

 

Also, we do have sex, I just don't want to, and I'm disturbed by this, and also don't want to have a sexless marriage, adn I want to fulfill his needs...

 

We alternate between having sex once a week and having it every other day. Even during my period he always gets at least one bj.

 

You actualy sound like you have a lot of sex with your husband if you are either having it once a week or every other day.

 

A lot of women seem to go through the things you are feeling. Maybe some of the women who feel this way about sex will come on and post.

 

If my wife were having as much sex and blow jobs as you describe I'd be pretty happy. Although it would hurt to know or feel she wasn't into it or dreaded it.

 

There are guys out there who really don't like having much sex at all, maybe you'd be better off with one of them. Or maybe you could go see a sex therapist. Were you acquantance raped or something?

[pablopedro]

What else is going on?

Maybe he no longer fulfills you in the emotional and intellectual way that you need. Some women like a lot of foreplay. Some like a lot of stimulating conversation and that might be somewhat of a turn on for them.

If it's just "wham bam" all the time, many women get bored of this. Even some men.

 

It really depends on your relationship. Plenty of people get to the point where it's boring, life is boring, your feel like roommates, or you're just not really into one another. A lot of people had the lust and sex from the start but not much else. They keep forcing it and forcing it until one day they are where you are. Lust only takes a relationship so far. At some point it does become more than sex.

 

Things like this might happen soon for some, years later for others. We don't know the whole story, but if you find your husband attractive and yet don't really like him invading your personal space ever, I'd say he's turning you off in a lot of ways over the course of a day, week, month. And that leads to no interest.

[ColumbiaD]

She never said she with held though, she said she just didn't have the desire for him, but doesn't turn him down.

 

Do you feel it could be medically related Or have you possibly lost that emotional connection for him as well? For me, I know my emotins play a big role in the physical part as well.

 

In general being on the pill lowers my sex drive, but I've been on it for years without having this problem with my husband, or any previous partner. I noticed that when my allergies are bothering me the feelings I described above intensify a lot, but I don't always have allergies, and my husband actually went out and bought a humidifier and air purifier for me - which is so sweet and I wish that made me want to jump him!

 

Could be emotional. Sometimes I feel stressed about work, holidays, socializing, money and feel like he doesn't get it. Sometimes I feel resentful because I feel like his mother/he wants me to mother him, which is NOT sexy; or I'll get annoyed because he spends all day on computer apart from me, and then when I'm trying to read in bed at night (which he knows is how I unwind) he will be all over me. We sometimes talk about these things, but he is who he is and I feel like these things are just "issues" which everyone has (maybe not these specific ones)...

 

I also feel resentful and annoyed every time we have sex because I feel like it is always about him. He can control himself, but I just don't feel like he finds me sexy, which of course makes me not feel like sex, and I feel like he doesn't actually try to get me off.

[ColumbiaD]

You actualy sound like you have a lot of sex with your husband if you are either having it once a week or every other day.

 

A lot of women seem to go through the things you are feeling. Maybe some of the women who feel this way about sex will come on and post.

 

If my wife were having as much sex and blow jobs as you describe I'd be pretty happy. Although it would hurt to know or feel she wasn't into it or dreaded it.

 

There are guys out there who really don't like having much sex at all, maybe you'd be better off with one of them. Or maybe you could go see a sex therapist. Were you acquantance raped or something?

Well as far as I know my husband is happy and satisfied. If he has a problem, he hasn't said anything, and the only thing he could say is that I don't initiate. I do sometimes, but rarely enough we can say almost never.

 

Mentally I have the desire to fulfill his needs - he's my husband after all - I just really can't get myself worked up over it.

 

Never been raped, been a prude or been promiscuous/had self-esteem issues.

 

Things like this might happen soon for some, years later for others. We don't know the whole story, but if you find your husband attractive and yet don't really like him invading your personal space ever, I'd say he's turning you off in a lot of ways over the course of a day, week, month. And that leads to no interest.

This could be it. Another thing is that he almost never has any interest in talking about anything except a particular "business interest" of his, or politics - both of which I find deadly dull, and he spends 90% of our time together talking about, despite my efforts to change the subject. Not only do I find it boring, but it contributes to making me feel un-sexy, like I'm his buddy or something.

[Floridaman]

Thanks, I will check it out. What are the books?

 

Also, we do have sex, I just don't want to, and I'm disturbed by this, and also don't want to have a sexless marriage, adn I want to fulfill his needs...

 

We alternate between having sex once a week and having it every other day. Even during my period he always gets at least one bj.

Okay, but lack of desire appears to be a precursor to losing interest. So you're fortunate your H still desires you...

 

This forum deals with lack of desire.

http://www.boards.themarriagebed.com/viewforum.php?f=43

 

I'll suggest some books shortly.

[Floridaman]

I've heard this one is really good... (Planning to purchase it myself).

Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship Dr. David Schnarch P.h.D

http://www.amazon.com/Intimacy-Desire-Awaken-Passion-Relationship/dp/0825306299/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1290520745&sr=8-1

 

I have this one but haven't read it yet. Trying to get my wife to read it. I understand it is really good:

Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage

Kevin Leman

http://www.amazon.com/Sheet-Music-Uncovering-Intimacy-Marriage/dp/0842360247/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1291657437&sr=8-1

 

Haven't read this one but the title sounds appropriate for you as well as my wife:

Honey, I Don't Have a Headache Tonight: Help for Women Who Want to Feel More In the Mood

http://www.amazon.com/Honey-Dont-Have-Headache-Tonight/dp/0825426936/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1290371522&sr=1-2

 

Check out the many other suggested/similar titles at the bottom of the Amazon pages.

 

On the TMB "Lack of Desire" forum, I found these posts that may be appropriate to your situation:

 

-Newlywed not interested--hurt and confused

-How can I desire him more?

-the nature of female sexual desire

-LD wife in an otherwise "perfect" marriage

-Recent Loss of Desire & Sensation

-Husband feels bad about my low desire

Edited December 6, 2010 by Floridaman

[ColumbiaD]

Thanks Floridaman

[Kendrick]

Being resentful is a usually a HUGE killer in the sex department. Resentment usually starts out where it kills that emotional feeling, then later manifests itself into the physical as well. I think sometimes that may be what happens in some of these sexless marriages too, the spouse just doesn't tell the other they resent them, they just stop or back off from sex, and then the other spouse is left to wonder why and whats wrong. And if you feel like his mother at times, well yeah I can see how that wouldn't be a good mood enhancer.

[Floridaman]

Agree with above on the resentment. I too have gotten resentful towards her these last 4-5 years.

 

I know my wife has a lower drive than me.

She places limits on me and for example when I saw her one weekend ago, she specifically told me that the weekend was a "business or class" weekend (she was in a conference- I stayed in the hotel with her) and that we wouldn't have time to ML. I tried to override that decision by getting her to come to bed early but was unsuccessful.:

 

For those of you not familiar with my particular story with my refusing wife (who is coming along now, be it slowly), it is here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t253953/

I get a little sensitive on this topic and want to stop others from going down that road that can lead to heartbreak...

Edited December 6, 2010 by Floridaman

[Wilie]

Started taking any type of new meds for any reason?

[ColumbiaD]

Some of the things I feel resentful about I bring upon myself, which I am trying to work on.

 

Some of the things I feel resentful about wouldn't even bother me, except that there are already other issues.

 

And then some of the things I feel resentful about are just the way he is/the way he was raised, which obviously is out of my control, and I just need to find more constructive ways of dealing with. We have had discussions about some of these things, but his responses waver between: denial that things are the way I say they are which at worst leads to him being mad and defensive; or being upset or hurt that I feel such a way, which at best leads to him changing his behavior (which lasts for about a week).

 

I can also pinpoint what I'm feeling and thinking when I don't feel like having sex with him. An example: Last week I had a little bit of a cold/allergies and couldn't breath through my nose, had to blow my nose every 2 minutes, generally didn't feel good and had a horrible sinus-pressure headache for several days. Was still a tiny bit stuffy yesterday, but feeling better than I had been.

 

Yesterday I made husband breakfast, while he spent the entire morning on his computer - didn't offer to help at all, or even make coffee (which for the second round I asked him to, but was annoyed that he didn't offer - I hate feeling like he expects anything and that he's not considerate about helping out many times) - only took a break to eat and wash the dishes.

 

Then I spent the rest of my day at a boring holiday party for a family friend of his godparents'. On the way there, we had a discussion about his mother because she had just surprised us with a visit to our home and nagged me to get the dog's nails cut, and kept trying to go into our bedroom (there is NO REASON for her to ever go upstairs, let alone to go into our room), so I was pissed off about that.

 

I only knew 6 people at the party, including my husband, but he kept leaving me to talk to someone else, get more food, or whatever so that I was left to either awkwardly stand by myself or awkwardly trail after him like a little ignored shadow. So now I'm still thinking about how inconsiderate he is, and feeling annoyed that he didn't think to get a gift for this party until I reminded him we should pick something up.

 

When we finally got home, he got on his computer and took a nap while I took the dog, who had been cooped up all day, to the dog park, cleaned out the refrigerator, washed the pile of dishes in the sink, and made dinner.

 

Finally, when we went to bed, he kept trying to cuddle when I was reading, so I just shut the light off to go to sleep. But he kept rubbing my tummy and breasts and putting his hand down my pants (and I suppose was trying to turn me on, but he wasn't touching me in ways that turn me on), and it's the last day of my period, so I know that there's nothing in this experience for me, unless I get myself off, but I'm really not feeling it. But, I'm trying really hard to be a good sport, so I close my eyes when he puts his hand back down my pants and think "OK, maybe I can get into this", when he replaces my hand with his and pulls his dick out and wants me to suck him off.

 

This particular scenario makes me not feel like having sex, not feel attracted to him, not feel sexy, and feel resentful and annoyed by him. It makes me feel like I am just there to take care of him - be his mom, run his life and house, and then take care of his sexual needs, with the implication that I need to take care of my own as well, because he's not going to.

 

Sorry for making this so long. It feels good to get this all out.

[ColumbiaD]

Started taking any type of new meds for any reason?

 

No, the most recent change in meds is getting a Rx for a different BC pill, 6 months ago.

 

Also, I am not completely sexless - I still feel sexually turned on, just almost never by him. I masturbate when he is not home several times a week. I consider myself to have a decently high sex drive.

[ColumbiaD]

Sometimes I will try to let him know to do something that will put me in the mood, but it usually doesn't work out.

 

I will let him know what I have in mind, then take a bath, shave, and moisturize (which makes me feel relaxed and sexy), but then get annoyed because when I get out he wants me to wait 20 minutes while he finishes looking at something on his computer. Well, he knew that I wanted to make love, I gave him a timeframe, and then being told hang on a minute with barely a glance makes me feel the opposite of sexy and desirable. Doesn't matter what he says or how he acts when he finally gives me his attention, I no longer feel sexy.

 

Or, I will ask him to rub my back, but then I'll get all wound up and annoyed because he will keep digging his thumbs into my spine or knots in my shoulders, even though he knows I hate that and can't stand that sensation.

[hoping2heal]

I think the root of the problem lies somewhere in your post about how he spends his time on the computer, unless with you. How you feel he wants you to mother him, etc.

 

There have been times the attraction was just totally killed for me once I realised how irresponsible the man was. No motivation, irresponsible behavior (although nothing like cheating on me or doing something to me persay) The man would just start to appear like a well..loser. Outwardly in the physical sense the guys would be very attractive, in great shape, nice bodies etc. I just couldn't get past the fact that I felt like I'd have to be THEIR knight in shining armor..not the other way around.

 

Now, I'm pretty independant and I handle my own things but you get the point I hope.

[xxoo]

Reading your further posts, there isn't much mystery about why you don't want to have sex with him. You resent him, and you don't believe he is interested in your sexual pleasure. Why WOULD you want to have sex with him, hot or not?

 

Personally, I believe it is a bad idea to have sex when you are not in the mood. I've gotten some criticism for that here, but my belief is that it is far more important to preserve the sexual attraction overall than to have sex consistently under all circumstances. I do think it is important to try to get into the mood (touch, be touched), but if it doesn't work and you still feel unaroused, gently decline with a "I wish it were working for me, but I just can't get turned on tonight". Offer him to take care of himself while you tell him a sexy story so he isn't left feeling completely rejected and frustrated, but don't offer your body if you aren't feeling it.

 

If you stop having sex when you are not in the mood, and you start to address some of the small resentments that have built up, I think you'll start wanting him sexually again. You'll both benefit, because the sex will be much, much hotter for him when you are into it

 

Does he know how you feel? It seems like there are a lot of issues to address, and limited communication between the two of you. You probably would benefit from the help of a marriage counselor to improve your communication and help you navigate some of these issues together.

[ColumbiaD]

I think the root of the problem lies somewhere in your post about how he spends his time on the computer, unless with you. How you feel he wants you to mother him, etc.

 

There have been times the attraction was just totally killed for me once I realised how irresponsible the man was. No motivation, irresponsible behavior (although nothing like cheating on me or doing something to me persay) The man would just start to appear like a well..loser. Outwardly in the physical sense the guys would be very attractive, in great shape, nice bodies etc. I just couldn't get past the fact that I felt like I'd have to be THEIR knight in shining armor..not the other way around.

 

Now, I'm pretty independant and I handle my own things but you get the point I hope.

Ironic. Just yesterday I was contemplating this issue (found this site when I googled my problem today), and recalled when we first stated dating, I asked my now-husband why his last relationship had ended. Of course, this is just one element, but one facet of their breakup was because he was really turned off by this girl's lack of ambition. I still remember the exact phrase "She was content to just eat Capt'n Crunch and watch Spongebob and other cartoons on her computer all day long." This was a woman in her mid-30s.

 

I know what you're saying. And I know that I'm coming across as my husband never does anything good, right, or to help out, which is sometimes but not always true. I just get annoyed because he's not "with it" sometimes (not watching the dog, not thinking ahead to buy gifts for parties and things) - which leads to me having to be the one who's always responsible. I knew he was like this before we got married (minus the part about the dog, which is a recent addition), but didn't realize how it would impact me once we were married, because it didn't bother me (because it didn't affect me) when we were dating.

 

He is often "on board" to help out with little home "projects", but will never initiate, or just do it himself. For example, he is the one who has wanted to clean out the refrigerator, and has been talking about it for 2 months now. He has had plenty of time to do it, but chose to watch tv or be on his computer instead. So yesterday I just started doing it myself, and he helped without being asked. But why did he have to wait for me to get things started?? It bugs me!

 

When he spends a few hours on a Saturday or Sunday doing regular chores or home maintenance once in a blue moon, that everyone else has to do every single weekend, he is so proud of everything he accomplished that it actually irritates me, which makes me feel like a huge bitch. But I can't but think, welcome to my life, and everyone else's.

Edited December 6, 2010 by ColumbiaD

[Els]

Sometimes I feel resentful because I feel like his mother/he wants me to mother him, which is NOT sexy; or I'll get annoyed because he spends all day on computer apart from me, and then when I'm trying to read in bed at night (which he knows is how I unwind) he will be all over me. We sometimes talk about these things, but he is who he is and I feel like these things are just "issues" which everyone has (maybe not these specific ones)...

 

I think these are the issues. Frankly, I don't think anyone has the right to ignore one's spouse all day except for the time when HE wants sex, and then expect to get sex just when he wants it. Nor should one partner in a relationship be responsible for the majority of the chores, unless the other partner is bringing home most of the bacon.

 

Why not talk to him about how this is making you feel in the context of sexual attraction? If you already have, what was his response?

 

Until this is somewhat fixed, I'm pretty sure there isn't any magical cure for what you're feeling. Most people would feel the same too in your situation.

[ColumbiaD]

Reading your further posts, there isn't much mystery about why you don't want to have sex with him. You resent him, and you don't believe he is interested in your sexual pleasure. Why WOULD you want to have sex with him, hot or not?

 

Personally, I believe it is a bad idea to have sex when you are not in the mood. I've gotten some criticism for that here, but my belief is that it is far more important to preserve the sexual attraction overall than to have sex consistently under all circumstances. I do think it is important to try to get into the mood (touch, be touched), but if it doesn't work and you still feel unaroused, gently decline with a "I wish it were working for me, but I just can't get turned on tonight". Offer him to take care of himself while you tell him a sexy story so he isn't left feeling completely rejected and frustrated, but don't offer your body if you aren't feeling it.

 

If you stop having sex when you are not in the mood, and you start to address some of the small resentments that have built up, I think you'll start wanting him sexually again. You'll both benefit, because the sex will be much, much hotter for him when you are into it

 

Does he know how you feel? It seems like there are a lot of issues to address, and limited communication between the two of you. You probably would benefit from the help of a marriage counselor to improve your communication and help you navigate some of these issues together.

Maybe I will try this. He doesn't know (unless he has guessed) that I am not interested in having sex with him, but we have talked about most things I have problems with:

his mom (which there is only so much he can do about)

division of labor (which I am working on not doing it all myself then being mad at him for not helping, because I'm partly at fault here)

who pays for things

his absent-mindedness (he doesn't think he can do anything about this, but I think it's common sense things, and if he paid a little attention he could handle)

 

Unfortunately, the more I've gotten to know his family, the more I've come to see why he is the way he is. We have been having a lot of conversations about some of these things lately, because he wants to have our first baby in the next year, and I'm very wary because I will not raise a child to have the same attitude my husband does (which is also how my brother is in many ways).

[ColumbiaD]

I think these are the issues. Frankly, I don't think anyone has the right to ignore one's spouse all day except for the time when HE wants sex, and then expect to get sex just when he wants it. Nor should one partner in a relationship be responsible for the majority of the chores, unless the other partner is bringing home most of the bacon.

 

Why not talk to him about how this is making you feel in the context of sexual attraction? If you already have, what was his response?

 

Until this is somewhat fixed, I'm pretty sure there isn't any magical cure for what you're feeling. Most people would feel the same too in your situation.

 

My husband makes more than twice as much as I do, but our current arrangement is our finances are completely separate. He pays his own bills, which consists of his mortgage, water, utility bills, and his credit card bill (whatever he put on it for the month, which he uses his card for every single purchase), cell phone bill and cable bill.

 

I pay for my own bills (student loans, cell phone and car payment), contribute a set amount to his mortgage and utility bills, and purchase our groceries 9 times out of 10. I can't afford to pay half his mortgage/utilities, so I pay in proportion to what I make. We are currently discussing moving to a less expensive city in our area so that I can contribute more and we can also save more money and have a larger yard - we can move 20 minutes away from where we are now and have this.

[jsb58]

I am having the opposite problem myself. My wife is dealing with a great deal of stress and wants sex. Oddly enough, I sometimes feel like she is using me for stress relief.

 

I think both you and I need to be more vocal about getting our needs met!

[Els]

Why are you contributing to HIS mortgage when you make less than he does?

 

Doesn't sound like you're paying for that much less than he anyway. Do you work less hours than he?