husband is attractive, but I don't feel like doing him...

[Floridaman]

When we got home I told him I needed 5 minutes, so he turned on his computer, which he was on for 45 minutes!

Can I ask what is so blazing important that he burys his head on the computer every night for so long?

 

Is he viewing porn?

You may have covered this but I can't closely read every post. (Only skimming the posts).

Hope the link to my situation was okay.

[PandorasBox]

Can I ask what is so blazing important that he burys his head on the computer every night for so long?

 

Is he viewing porn?

You may have covered this but I can't closely read every post. (Only skimming the posts).

Hope the link to my situation was okay.

 

 

It could be porn OR, sometimes people who really are just not connected to begin with in a relationship use the computer as a means of escape. Call it whatever you like, escaping, not dealing, detaching etc. Some people do not want to be overly involved with the other person, or involved period, for whatever reason, unless of course it benefits them, and even then it might be a small amount. Just a guess though.

[ColumbiaD]

I assume that he sometimes views porn, but I'm not usually aware when this is the case, and that is not what he's doing on his computer all the time.

 

He's looking at blogs, emails, websites and so on related to the "business interest" I mentioned in another post that he spends 90% of our time together talking about.

[giotto]

related to the "business interest" I mentioned in another post that he spends 90% of our time together talking about.

 

:eek:

[ColumbiaD]

:eek:

 

I know. I should probably be happy that he's passionate about something, but it's annoying as ****.

[Floridaman]

I know. I should probably be happy that he's passionate about something, but it's annoying as ****.

Col, he needs to be passionate about you!

 

I'm trying to re-ignite intimacy in my marriage as well.

My wife hasn't been that passionate with me either and for years, I frequently got turned-down when I tried to initiate.

There's a lot more to it than just my side of the story and that post I linked to explains a lot of what she and I are going through... esp. some things I wasn't aware of doing that turned off her interest.

 

Despite my colorful avitar, I'm not some super romantic lover and am finding how ignorant I am about many things - romantic and sexual. (I didn't even know what a labia was!!!).

 

Perhaps the two of you could read some of those books I suggested together, as this situation is clearly not just you losing desire...

Edited December 7, 2010 by Floridaman

[ColumbiaD]

*Sigh*

So I was feeling horny this evening, started making out with my husband when he got home from work...and after a minute he turns away to open his mail

 

And he wonders why I never initiate anything.

 

I commented on this and he didn't say anything.

[Floridaman]

*Sigh*

...And he wonders why I never initiate anything.

 

I commented on this and he didn't say anything.

This might be a good book... (I haven't read it).

How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong http://www.amazon.com/Right-When-Your-Spouse-Wrong/dp/0307458490/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1289424789&sr=8-1

Experience the Blessings of an Imperfect Marriage. We all at one time or another have the opportunity to act right when our spouse acts wrong. There are no perfect marriages or perfect spouses. We know that having a good marriage requires effort and hard work. Yet we often don't know how to continue to love when we are angry, hurt, scared, or just plain irritated. Nor are we sure what that kind of love is supposed to look like. Should we be patient? Forgive and forget? Do something else entirely?

 

Acting right when your spouse acts wrong will not necessarily guarantee a more satisfying marital relationship, nor will it automatically make your spouse change his or her ways?although both could occur.

 

A review...

Every husband and wife should read this book. Leslie's teaching is practical, as well as profound. For those who are "gutting it out" in their marriages, she offers help and hope, and even the best marriages could be improved by reading her book. :

[giotto]

I know. I should probably be happy that he's passionate about something, but it's annoying as ****.

 

so, I guess you don't share his interest... one thing is not liking it or being indifferent, another is hating it... I hope it's not the latter...

 

Shame about the sex thing you mentioned in your other post... I would be very very happy if my wife jumped on me after work...

[JackJack]

There is a big disconnect there. Something obviously has his attention elsewhere. You're title states his is attractive but you don't feel like doing him, but you were horny the other night and wanted to jump him. So I guess sometimes you DO feel like doing him? When you do, he rejects you?

[ColumbiaD]

There is a big disconnect there. Something obviously has his attention elsewhere. You're title states his is attractive but you don't feel like doing him, but you were horny the other night and wanted to jump him. So I guess sometimes you DO feel like doing him? When you do, he rejects you?

 

I get turned on, just not typically by him, and I do feel like having sex (as a general physical need, having sex is very different from simply masturbating and getting off), but again, it's not typical for me to feel like having sex with my husband.

 

Since I was horny, and he was home, I tried to take advantage of that. Cognitively, I want to take care of his needs, make him feel loved, wanted, desirable, etc.

 

It's hard for me to quantify, since I rarely initiate anymore, but I would guess that about 3/4 of the time that I do initiate, he rejects me, at the time. He does seem to take that as interest on my part and initiate later on, like when we go to bed, which is what he did last night. To me, there is a disconnect between him seeming to have some negative feelings about me not initiating, but then rejecting me when I do initiate. We haven't been married long, not quite 2 years, and I think this has increasingly become a problem over the last 8 or 9 months.

 

Anyways, last night I really wanted to be turned on/attracted to him, but I just wasn't. He was trying to get me turned on, but I didn't like most of what he was doing, which irritated him that I was being "so picky", he was barely hard, so I went down on him for awhile, and I was just not at all turned on when he tried to have sex with me. It was disastrous.

 

I really wanted to have sex and be into it, so I tried again this morning, but apparently he hadn't slept well last night and was tired, so I took care of the dog and made him coffee, and he said if there was time after he took a shower and drank his coffee maybe we could have a quickie. Clearly that didn't turn me on at all...so I looked at some porn to get ready, but he took his time getting ready, and he wasn't getting hard when I tried turning him on.

 

I'm really upset about this.

[xxoo]

It sounds to me like you are each looking for arousal somewhere other than each other, and then seeking the other out for sex when aroused--and, of course, the other isn't aroused because they weren't part of the arousal process.

 

If you use porn to get turned on, can you watch it with him? That way you'll both get turned on at the same time. It isn't ideal (you still aren't getting turned on by him), but it could be a baby step forward and lead to satisfying sex together.

 

But, as other posters said, your relationship issues go way beyond sex. The sex issues are a symptom of the major communication issues.

[ColumbiaD]

I guess I just don't know what to say to him, then. We have talked about most of my issues with him, except the part where these things kill my desire for him. Even that is something that I have mentioned in specific circumstances though, such as when he teases me or jokes with me in a way that is completely unflattering/unsexy. This is something he normally does, and somehow seems to no longer have any idea of how to be romantic, because he doesn't STOP doing this when I am letting him know that I am turned on or interested in him. I will tell him very clearly that he is killing the mood. Sometimes he does things that I find unbelievable, like farting when I am kissing his neck. If I comment on him rejecting my advances, he won't talk about it, he'll just say something like "Of course I find you attractive" and he refuses to acknowledge that I don't give a **** what he says, because his actions make me feel otherwise.

 

This is affecting my self-esteem.

 

We have watched porn together in the past, but part of my problem is that the way he touches me just irritates me and turns me off most of the time. I feel like in the last few months he has done literally everything except do the things he used to that I liked.

 

Last night his attempts at foreplay were a complete dud, going down on him did not at all turn me on (again, because it's all about him and nothing to do with me, and he wasn't even getting as hard as he usually does), and then he seemed surprised that just banging me didn't get me off.

 

Sorry, I'm just so frustrated.

[ColumbiaD]

Also, the other night when I did feel attracted to my husband, I think it's because he was "on". He was funny and charming, and acted like the guy I dated/married. Unfortunately, none of that charming behavior was directed toward me, and the second we were alone he was back to annoying me, lacking charm, etc.

[Floridaman]

another reason I didn't say anything this morning is because I am trying to not be nasty toward him. What I wanted to say is It's hard to feel turned on when the dog is jumping on me and grumbling at me because he has to poop and YOU haven't let him out yet or fed him. Waking up to a hungry dog that needs to be taken care of and you with your dick in my face asking me to take care of you does not put me in the mood.

Also, the other night when I did feel attracted to my husband, I think it's because he was "on". He was funny and charming, and acted like the guy I dated/married. Unfortunately, none of that charming behavior was directed toward me, and the second we were alone he was back to annoying me, lacking charm, etc.

These are telling statements and red flags. You two at least need to read some good books and get some counseling, that is, if you want to make this marriage work.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

I've been following the thread, and something I'd like to suggest that I personally know to work very well.

 

Stop pleasuring yourself. For the sake of your sexual relationship with your husband just cease and desist.

 

It's real simple, once he is your only path to sexual release, the pleasure and anticipation will be forced to work its way back into your experiences with him... When he rejects your advances or pushes you away, you will be more persistent instead of hurt and settling for his control. When you feel like you are doing something sexual just for him, you will likely look forward to your release and anticpate your pleasure also, and all of a sudden, you find yourself in the mood too.

 

You paint him as an uncaring, masculine, pig-headed prick... I am sure that to some extent it is true. But he is your husband, and it sure seems like you would like him to be your husband for a long time to come (if that's not the case, then that's a whole separate issue, bigger than this one).

 

I am not sure you will be able to actually do this (or that you will even see how powerful it can be), as it takes a lot of self discipline and control for anyone who is typically used to finishing themselves off whenever the arousal and opportunity arises. I know I myself have to talk it through in my head when I get that opportunity / feeling. I tell myself how much better the release will be when I share it with her... It truly works wonders for me sexually. The tension is awesome. The shared experience and the final climax and release is ALWAYS worth it for us!

 

I genuinely feel the issues you are going through should be workable. As you mature as a married couple you will likely face much more than just sexual attraction / arousal issues... Communication is key! Don't be afraid to hurt him with the truth if it needs to come out. Make sure to surround it with the explanation of why you need to get it on the table and what you would like to do to change or improve the situation.

 

Good Luck!

Edited December 8, 2010 by She's_NotInLove_w/Me

[Floridaman]

Good suggestions, She's Not in Love with Me...

another reason I didn't say anything this morning is because I am trying to not be nasty toward him. What I wanted to say is It's hard to feel turned on when the dog is jumping on me and grumbling at me because he has to poop and YOU haven't let him out yet or fed him.

Waking up to a hungry dog that needs to be taken care of and you with your dick in my face asking me to take care of you does not put me in the mood.

I may have this wrong, but the "hungry dog that needs to be taken care of" - that's your husband, not the pet? The latter part is of course your husband.

Just trying to make sure I get all the players in the roles right...

 

On the nastiness, you really need to limit that in a relationship...

[theBrokenMuse]

It's real simple, once he is your only path to sexual release, the pleasure and anticipation will be forced to work its way back into your experiences with him... When he rejects your advances or pushes you away, you will be more persistent instead of hurt and settling for his control. When you feel like you are doing something sexual just for him, you will likely look forward to your release and anticpate your pleasure also, and all of a sudden, you find yourself in the mood too.

What you are suggesting sounds foolish to me. I don't see how this is supposed to work without creating a great deal more resentment which she is already brimming with. Building enough resentment can subdue a libido to the point of non-existence which will make sex with him even a greater chore.

 

She needs to forgot about the sex issue for now as it's a symptom, not the core problem. If she works on the core problem, the sex issue will correct itself.

Edited December 8, 2010 by theBrokenMuse

[ColumbiaD]

I will try anything to make this work

 

I know I probably sound bratty, and like my husband is terrible (he's not of course), I'm just so frustrated, with him as well as with myself.

 

Thanks for the suggestions!

[ColumbiaD]

Good suggestions, She's Not in Love with Me...

 

I may have this wrong, but the "hungry dog that needs to be taken care of" - that's your husband, not the pet? The latter part is of course your husband.

Just trying to make sure I get all the players in the roles right...

 

On the nastiness, you really need to limit that in a relationship...

 

The hungry dog is our pet H is responsible for taking care of bathroom/feeding him in the morning, while I walk him in the a.m. (because I leave for work later and sleep in later), and I feed/bathroom at night while H walks him (because I'm typically wrapping up something for work or starting dinner). H has been pretty good about this, so I shouldn't feel bitchy the one time he completely ignored the dog in the morning; I guess I just feel like there's other issues, plus H is more and more staying in bed until I get sick of the dog whining and jumping on me and let him out, especially on weekends. Or, H won't go outside with the dog, so he doesn't poop, and comes back upstairs and starts jumping on me because he still needs to go out.

 

If H took care of things in the morning, so that I didn't have to, I would feel much less pissed off (if at all) about him wanting a blow j. As it is, waking up earlier than necessary with the dog needing to be taken care of because H shirked his responsibility, AND having H wanting my attention is freaking annoying. Example: I wanted sex this morning, and H was tired, so I took care of the dog and made him coffee.

 

I know that I need to not be nasty, and I'm not nasty toward my H - that is something I wanted to say, but never would, because I know it's hurtful and not constructive. One thing I need to work on is controlling my emotions a bit better, so that when I feel that way I am able to nicely communicate, rather than not saying anything because I am afraid I won't be able to not snap at him.

Edited December 8, 2010 by ColumbiaD

[JackJack]

"the way he touches me just irritates me and turns me off most of the time."

 

Maybe you're not inlove with him anymore. You can love someone of course, but not be inlove. Years ago before I married my wife, or ever met her, I dated a girl for a few years, my desire for her actually left when I no longer felt I was inlove with her. When it comes to alot of physical things he irritates you, what about anything else, or is it mostly just physical things he does?

 

"He was funny and charming, and acted like the guy I dated/married. Unfortunately, none of that charming behavior was directed toward me, and the second we were alone he was back to annoying me, lacking charm."

 

If it wasn't directed at you, where was it directed?

[angie2443]

I haven't posted in a long time but your thread worried me very much. Many of the things your husband does (teases hurtfully, acts charming in public but is not the same at home, expects you to take care of him but doesn't seem to respect your bounderies) are classic signs of an abusive person. Abuse doesn't have to be physical. Infact, most abusers prefer not to get physical be because they don't want to get in trouble for what they do.

 

I know you may role your eyes when you read this, but please, look up the signs of abuse and especially, why people abuse. It's all about control, and your husband seems to be controlling you very well. If some things fit, then MC and therapy will most likely do nothing for you and will very likely help your husband find better, more subtle ways of having you do what he wants.

[EnigmasMuse]

IMO, it sounds like he has the upper hand in the marriage, while you are left confused and frustrated. What I mean by "upper hand" is, it seems you can tell him how you feel and it falls on deaf ears. Its one thing if a person simply doesn't get what another person is trying to tell/show them, but quite another, if that person knows and hears exactly what you're saying/meaning, but refuses to do anything about it. Just my 2 cents.

[Els]

Eh, to be fair, 45 minutes on the computer a night really isn't a biggie at all.

 

But he also needs to learn that he can't get sex just when he wants it. Doesn't he know how to seduce a woman at all?! Surely he didn't just 'put his **** in your face' each time he wanted it when you guys were just starting out?

[giotto]

Seems to me that the OP has allowed certain behaviours to progress and now it's too late to revert them. You will need lots of communication and constant reminders... but make sure he is listening... otherwise you will find yourself with a dick in your face again very soon...