Waiting for spouse to figure things out.

[bugaha]

First time visitor (I'm not quite familiar with all of the acronyms used).

 

Here is my situation. I've been with my wife for eight years, married for five years. We've got two children, both under three years of age. For the majority of my married life, I've suffered from major communication issues with my wife for many different reasons. I've suffered from alcoholism, and depression that has crippled my marriage. There has been no emotional or physical abuse due to my sickness; I used alcohol to cope with my depression.

 

To make a long story short, I went to see a couple of different counselors over the past couple of years that were unable to help me (they were terrible). This past spring, my wife left with my kids because she had enough of our situation. We reconciled that weekend basically coming to a conclusion that we'd seek marriage counseling and individual counseling. My wife also made demands at that time for me to stop drinking, but I made it clear at that point that it wouldn't happen until I was able to get the help that I've gotten. Even though nothing had been really done at that point, we started to reconnect a little and had probably the most incredible sex we've ever had together. My drinking continued into the summer which caused my wife to snap and say that she was done with the marriage. At that point, she agreed to stay to see how the next couple of months would go. This was the inevitable wall that I had to hit to get control of my life.

 

Fast forward to today. I've been sober for 18 weeks, I've gotten on the proper medication to reverse my depression, I've been going through individual cognitive behavioral therapy with my therapist, and I feel like a different person. We started to see a marriage counselor while I was going through this, but ended that when we decided to separate. At that time, I wasn't ready for my family to leave, and once again my wife agreed to stay. I've tried to establish that emotional connection with my wife, but almost on queue (because every time she wants to talk it's something negative) she says that she's not interested in that. Essentially she doesn't want me to show her any affection. Because of this, I decided it was better that she sleep downstairs and that's where we're at right now, an in-home separation. She's been trying to "figure" things out during this period, and has conflicting feelings about staying/leaving. During this time, I've started to figure some things out to. The problem is that I don't know how long I can wait for her to figure things out. Things are starting to get clearer for me now and I truly want to stay true to my wife and my family, I just don't know how long I can wait for her to figure things out. She stated that there isn't someone else (I trust her because she gives me no reason not to). Essentially I want my wife back, but I want to move forward at the same time (and I don't feel that I can while she's figuring things out).

 

I'd be interested in hearing from some of the females out there that have had to live with a husband who suffered from depression.

[Surfer203]

This is slightly familiar to me. The only difference is the lack of alcohol and the wife is not still living with me. Other than that, I know what the "I'm making a decision" time period is like. It sucks.. there is nothing you can do really to change their mind and they will take their sweet a** time. You will get nothing out of them. For me, 1 1/2 months meant time to move on. I am not waiting around forever. At the same time, you want to show some patience, especially if you were the one who was wrong.

[heartbrokensj]

Essentially I want my wife back, but I want to move forward at the same time (and I don't feel that I can while she's figuring things out).

 

I'd be interested in hearing from some of the females out there that have had to live with a husband who suffered from depression.

 

 

First off, CONGRATS on your sobriety and seeking counseling. Sorry to say but you cannot rush your wife with this process... Its great that you are on the upside of battliing alcoholism but your wife, is sorting out all thats she been throug h with you which is a roller coaster of emotions of probably feeling numb, angry, resentlful, anxious, lost, scared, sad, etc. I can understand the anxious feelings of just wanting to know where you stand with her...I kept pressing the issue when we first separated and quickly did the things I needed to do for myself to improve myself and to take 50% ownership of our failed marriage but he took his sweet time and still has much to sort out for himself... All I can say is hang in there, try to just keep focusing on your sobriety, and agree with all your wife has to say even if you don't agree because in time she will sort all the negative from the positive. You just remain like a rock and be very civil, friendly and keep the positive changes coming. To date, the hubby and I are very civil and its gotten to the point where we can even talk like friends...as a for a reconciliation, it may or may not be in the works but it went from him leaving angrily, to him blaming me for all that was wrong in his life, to now a place of great civility...All through that I did not give into his negativity and kept working on myself because we share a child together. I went through all the emotions of feeling numb, angry, resentful, sad, depressed, anxious but have managed to sort through it all and i remain hopeful that all shall be well either reconciling or divorced. This by far is the most painful process I have ever been through but I know there is a light at the end of this tunnel and this rollercoaster of a ride is one crazy trip I hope to never experience again but it has been a humbling life changing experience where I have learned a lot.

[bugaha]

Thanks heartbroken. That’s just another reminder to myself that I need to be the bigger person here. I held a tremendous amount of hostility towards her in the past, that is no longer there (which has made a huge difference in our communication).

 

You both are completely right, I've learned that there is absolutely nothing I can do or say other than to do what I'm doing right now. There is no way that I can convince her that change is occurring and can be sustained. I think it's only fair that she get the time to figure out what she needs to since she had to go through years of a dysfunctional relationship.

 

The hard part right now is not to withdrawal, it's almost impossible to act like everything is great knowing we're at the impasse that we're at right now. The only thing I truly care about at this point, is my spouse and my children. It's easy to focus in on my kids (which my relationship with them has become amazing since getting help), but once they're in bed I have to deal with not having my wife at my side. I get overwhelming thoughts that I never cheated on this woman, I never abused this person, we don’t fight a whole lot, we don’t have any financial hardships and I don't understand why she can't look at my illness as being the culprit (on my side). Why does she feel that she's given me too many "chances" when I've never been able to get the help I needed. I had so many setbacks and virtually no love or support while going through this, it's been very frustrating. I also don't take 100% of the blame, there are clearly things that she needs to find out about herself through individual counseling which she's doing right now.

The other problem that I have is that my mentality is starting to change. Throughout the process, my mindset was that she’ll come around, we’ll be able re-establish that emotional connection that we’ve been missing for so many years and we’ll get over this. But my thinking has changed to maybe she won’t come around this time. Things are different, you’re back on your feet and from a personal standpoint I haven’t been better in my life (and I don’t see myself ever going back to that person that I was). Maybe things are meant to be different. At some point I’m going to start to seek things out those things that I’m missing.

[You Go Girl]

I'm going to try to say this gently. I'm a little fired up. I also recognize my need to start looking at things completely unemotionally.

So trying to just use logic, as this story has some similarities to my own, I want to applaud you for recognizing that she needs time.

She is emotionally distant. Yes. Under the influence of alcohol, you were emotionally distant, detached, and dismissive often. It is a byproduct of being under the influence. I am not saying you were that way all the time. But under the influence, you were.

She needs to SEE through the test of time, that you are not going to pick up the bottle again anytime soon. She probably also knows that the danger will be there for the rest of your life.

Those who give up alcohol are often impatient for the rest of their life to turn around. They believe the problem is solved, so what's taking so long? You need to understand that the effects of what she has been through are not going to go away overnight. She is protecting her heart.

You have a renewed sense of motivation, energy, and momentum. These things are all good. But you can't expect to speed up the rest of the world when you are ready for it to happen, when you wanted it to go at a snail's pace during the time you were intoxicated. Not even a snail's pace...you drowned it out, and others weren't standing still, only you were. Thoughts and feelings were happening in her mind while you were checked out.

Be patient. Be a rock, steady and strong. Be dedicated.

What you are going through is typical and textbook for those who stop drinking. That is why AA suggests that you make no major life decisions during the first year of sobriety.

Why does she feel that she has given you too many chances? Again, you have to understand that while you were checked out, she wasn't. She felt a lot of frustration and impatience during those times. You, for the most part, feel little about those times because you weren't present.

You've had virtually no support...well I understand your point of view. She hasn't known whether to trust that the change was temporary. Logically, she decided not to trust it, because she's never seen a permanent change before. Why should she act like Charlie Brown and Lucy with the football? Do you understand? People don't want to try to kick the football only to have it yanked away once again.

Your last line is disturbing. You hint at seeking out other women. It's almost a threat. It is revealing that your patience is thin. I think you need to work on that patience. Sex is nice. But after what the two of you have been through, it is hardly the deciding factor on whether to throw in the towel and seek self-gratification. If it is, well, you've revealed that you would toss it all for a little nookie.

Sit and talk to her each day. Start some kind of tradition of sitting down at the dinner table after dinner, and having a relationship chat. Not necessarily tackling the big issues each night after dinner, no. But how about conversation just to reconnect as sober people who care about each other. Tuning in and connecting through communication. Being considerate of each other's feelings, acknowledging them, and listening. A tradition of communication in which there are no threats, just support. Show her this way, each and every day, that you are there for her, and her rock.

[bugaha]

I'm going to try to say this gently. I'm a little fired up. I also recognize my need to start looking at things completely unemotionally.

So trying to just use logic, as this story has some similarities to my own, I want to applaud you for recognizing that she needs time.

She is emotionally distant. Yes. Under the influence of alcohol, you were emotionally distant, detached, and dismissive often. It is a byproduct of being under the influence. I am not saying you were that way all the time. But under the influence, you were.

She needs to SEE through the test of time, that you are not going to pick up the bottle again anytime soon. She probably also knows that the danger will be there for the rest of your life.

Those who give up alcohol are often impatient for the rest of their life to turn around. They believe the problem is solved, so what's taking so long? You need to understand that the effects of what she has been through are not going to go away overnight. She is protecting her heart.

You have a renewed sense of motivation, energy, and momentum. These things are all good. But you can't expect to speed up the rest of the world when you are ready for it to happen, when you wanted it to go at a snail's pace during the time you were intoxicated. Not even a snail's pace...you drowned it out, and others weren't standing still, only you were. Thoughts and feelings were happening in her mind while you were checked out.

Be patient. Be a rock, steady and strong. Be dedicated.

 

There is a lot of truth to your statement (believe me that these are things that weigh heavy in my head). I don't expect things to be fixed overnight, and I certainly don't feel that my problem is solved. I do know that since I've stopped drinking, I've had to deal with my depression directly for the first time in my life. We're soon to be at the 5 month mark and the questions in my mind are whether she'll need several more weeks, several more months, or several more years. The reality is that I am a different person and I have no idea what she thinks about that.

 

 

 

Why does she feel that she has given you too many chances? Again, you have to understand that while you were checked out, she wasn't. She felt a lot of frustration and impatience during those times. You, for the most part, feel little about those times because you weren't present.

You've had virtually no support...well I understand your point of view. She hasn't known whether to trust that the change was temporary. Logically, she decided not to trust it, because she's never seen a permanent change before. Why should she act like Charlie Brown and Lucy with the football? Do you understand? People don't want to try to kick the football only to have it yanked away once again.

 

The only thing I would have to say about this is that I feel she never lined up to kick the ball in the first place (of course this is only what I feel). The setbacks I had were finding a therapist that worked and never being able to get proper treatment. The first couple that I went to I naturally got frustrated because they just weren't working out. The key was getting diagnosed, getting sober, dealing head on with what I was trying to numb and finding the right mix of treatment. That took a great deal of time as well, it's not as if I've spent the last couple of years in denial. Not once has she recognized what I'm doing (talked about this in marriage therapy).

 

 

Your last line is disturbing. You hint at seeking out other women. It's almost a threat. It is revealing that your patience is thin. I think you need to work on that patience. Sex is nice. But after what the two of you have been through, it is hardly the deciding factor on whether to throw in the towel and seek self-gratification. If it is, well, you've revealed that you would toss it all for a little nookie.

 

My patience is very thin right now, and I do need to fix that. I'm not seeking sex (yes that would be great, but that's not exactly what I meant), I'm more or less seeking support. It's something that I need right now and I'm not getting it because she's figuring things out. I think what I'm saying is that if I found someone that was willing to give me that support and closeness that I'm seeking, then my thoughts may change in a direction that I don't want to see happen.

 

 

Sit and talk to her each day. Start some kind of tradition of sitting down at the dinner table after dinner, and having a relationship chat. Not necessarily tackling the big issues each night after dinner, no. But how about conversation just to reconnect as sober people who care about each other. Tuning in and connecting through communication. Being considerate of each other's feelings, acknowledging them, and listening. A tradition of communication in which there are no threats, just support. Show her this way, each and every day, that you are there for her, and her rock.

 

Trying this, slowly but surely. I need to hear this, I need to show her that I'm there for her. It's just hard with the distance that's been created. How do you show her that you're there for her when there is that distance?

[You Go Girl]

There is a lot of truth to your statement (believe me that these are things that weigh heavy in my head). I don't expect things to be fixed overnight, and I certainly don't feel that my problem is solved. I do know that since I've stopped drinking, I've had to deal with my depression directly for the first time in my life. We're soon to be at the 5 month mark and the questions in my mind are whether she'll need several more weeks, several more months, or several more years. The reality is that I am a different person and I have no idea what she thinks about that.

She's probably having quite the adjustment period herself. Think about it--her husband shows up as a different person suddenly. She doesn't know who you are! She has known somebody else! She has yet to really know and understand this person that faces their emotions. Wow...something big and different, isn't it?

 

 

 

The only thing I would have to say about this is that I feel she never lined up to kick the ball in the first place (of course this is only what I feel). The setbacks I had were finding a therapist that worked and never being able to get proper treatment. The first couple that I went to I naturally got frustrated because they just weren't working out. The key was getting diagnosed, getting sober, dealing head on with what I was trying to numb and finding the right mix of treatment. That took a great deal of time as well, it's not as if I've spent the last couple of years in denial. Not once has she recognized what I'm doing (talked about this in marriage therapy).

There's a good chance that she lined up to try to kick that football everyday. What a drinker doesn't understand, and understandably so, is that the non-drinker tries daily to make sense of the irrationality.

She recongnizes what you are doing. She's just not sure if you have changed for real, have changed only temporary, or who this new you is. She doesn't know whether she should buy the stock, understand?

You didn't change overnight at her request, neither will she.

Understand there are two other important possibilities here. Make sure that you are not a "dry drunk". Two, she is a co-dependent. Now that you have changed the game, she isn't sure of the rules. She may have yet to focus on herself instead of you. Your recovery could be throwing her a curve ball. She also has to now get better herself. Alcoholism is a family disease, called that for a reason. She has to learn how she focused on you, your problems, and not herself. Al-anon might help her. Isn't everyone's cup of tea. However there are important valid points made there. She would be wise to seek out what parts of al-anon could help her.

 

My patience is very thin right now, and I do need to fix that. I'm not seeking sex (yes that would be great, but that's not exactly what I meant), I'm more or less seeking support. It's something that I need right now and I'm not getting it because she's figuring things out. I think what I'm saying is that if I found someone that was willing to give me that support and closeness that I'm seeking, then my thoughts may change in a direction that I don't want to see happen.

Having thin patience with a person that has been your partner while you were checked out part of the time isn't fair.

Seek support through AA. If that's not your cup of tea, check out soberrecovery.com.

Don't go looking for someone to give you that emotional support as in a female that would be willing to have sexual relations with you. THere are plenty of other people, organizations, etc., for you to seek emotional support.

You deserve emotional support. Look for it in healthy non-drunk situations. Sex outside of intimacy is just another form of alcohol.

 

Finally, congrats, kudos to you, and keep up the good work!

 

 

 

 

 

Trying this, slowly but surely. I need to hear this, I need to show her that I'm there for her. It's just hard with the distance that's been created. How do you show her that you're there for her when there is that distance?

 

How was she there for you when you were creating distance with alcohol? Even if it didn't seem like she was there, how much was she there alone, with a partner only there in bodily form but distant emotionally?

I know this is hard for you. I sympathize with that. I know you much want her support, and she's not giving it. She may be sick too you must understand. There is never an action without a reaction. Her sickness may be a result of your drinking. She no longer knows how to be intimate with you, or is afraid to, or is resentful.

You have to give this time. Otherwise, it's the trash can.

How do you show her that you are there for her? Little things everyday. When something is said by her, listen. If it's a big deal said offhandedly, react appropriately. You're sober now, now you can do this. Tune in, not out. Eventually she'll tune in too.

I don't have all the answers. I'm shooting in the dark here, a couple I know nothing about. But I do know that time, patience, understanding, and attentiveness will take you to a greater understanding of the dynamics of your marriage.

You can't fix her anymore than she could fix you. But you can be present, alert, attentive, and understanding.

One day at a time, marriage included.

[bugaha]

YGG, I think for not knowing us as a couple that you're pretty accurate with your comments. The only thing that I would add is that we both did our fair share of drinking when we started our relationship. She stopped when we had our first child, and I obviously didn't.

 

But I do think you're right, and that is the type of feedback that I need reinforced. I know for a fact that she is trying to understand who this new person is, the misunderstanding on my part is that this is who you asked for so why do we need to build a separation here. She has been to a couple of different Al-Anon meetings already (although she hasn’t gone since things have gotten a lot better in the house, not sure why) and she is recognizing the fact that she is a co-dependent. I’m not comfortable going to AA right now because I’m not a religious person and I think I’d be too stressed out with the message of sobriety and god, but I haven’t ruled anything out. I think you’re dead on that I need to find a support group.

My focus over the past two months has been on learning more about healthy relationships, and the differences between males and females. I think I need to step back a bit on that, and not push the issue. Take things day by day doing the little things, improve communication and allow her to have all the time she needs to figure this out. I know for a fact that she hasn’t completely checked out on me, or us as a couple. Our situation doesn’t completely fit everything that I’ve read and that probably gives me more hope than others in similar situations.

[bugaha]

Just wanted to vent a little bit (more or less). I feel like I've been stuck in limbo for the past 3 weeks, I haven't really made any positive progress with my wife and that has been disappointing to me. My wife continues to sleep in our lower level, and every night that she doesn't decide that it's time to come back up builds a little frustration and resentment. I'm trying for the life of me to let that go, let her have the time that she needs to heal but it's extremely difficult. I've discussed this with my psychologist and he doesn't really have any suggestions on how to overcome this since I'm a pretty sensitive individual. It's really hard to just pretend those feelings of hurt aren't there even though I know that I need to give her space.

 

Some things have been extremely confusing to me as well. A couple of weeks back we both went to her Christmas work party. Both got dressed up which we rarely do, had a night away from our two young children and had a really good time. She was all glammed up and looking extremely beautiful, so when we got home and she asked if I wanted to mess around I was almost doing cartwheels. Turned out to be pretty great sex but she didn't seem to care much for lying together afterwards (which I desperately wanted but you're not always going to get what you want). She returned downstairs instead of optioning to sleep upstairs, and I was OK with that at the time because I was still basking in the light of the evening. The next morning, she seemed to be in a bad mood, was very short with me and just set the tone for a pretty negative morning with my kids. This got me thinking that maybe it was just a mercy **** to keep me happy for a couple weeks (although she definitely got what she wanted out of it). I’m also feeling emasculated by this, but that is a different issue all together.

 

In the following weeks I've tried to concentrate on myself, work, getting the house cleaned, spending time with my kids, etc. But we haven't really had any discussions on us because I've been waiting for her to initiate things (after all she is the one that said that she needed time to figure things out). I've been retiring to bed early (after the kids are put to bed) because I feel like it’s the right thing to do but I think that she is resenting me doing so. The whole thing is really frustrating and confusing because she’s told me that it’s not about any particular thing that I’ve done wrong. I just need time to build back the trust that I’ll be there for her, but in the meantime she’s being distant and not acting like my wife (but the I love you’s are still there, the kiss goodnight, etc). I completely understand why this is happening, and why she needs to do what she needs to do but the feelings of confusion are there every minute that I spend in our house. The questions of what move I need to make in order to be the rock that she needs but give her the space that she desires as well? I almost feel like I live in a bizarro world because my situation just doesn’t add up and I have no idea of what’s going on in my wife’s head (and she can’t tell me either).

 

Anyways, it’s just good to get that out to someone other than my psychologist.

[bugaha]

I didn't want to thread hijack, so I'll bump mine.

 

So I've come up with a game plan, and I have no idea if it will work, but after going through 2 months of an in-home separation with little to no progress, I'm dealing with a lot of these same emotions that others have posted. I'd love some feedback.

 

First off, my wife hasn't initiated anything over the past month. No talking about where her mind is at, where we're going with things, just continue to stay in a state of limbo.

 

- I've started to man up a bit. No more letters or emails expressing to her what she already knows. She knows that I love her more than anything in this world and that I'm willing to do what it takes to get things back on track so there is no sense on continuing to reiterate this to her because it comes off as weak, clingy, and possibly backing her into the corner that she's complained to me about.

 

- Concentrate on myself. I've learned a lot through individual counseling over the past year that I'm starting to put into action. I'm starting to get some of that confidence back that I had lost over the course of the past decade.

 

- I've cut off initiating any romantic moves, any long embraces, etc. I'm more than willing to show her my love, but she is going to have to initiate things from here. She is the one that wants space, and I'm giving that to her. As much as I want to touch her, caress her, I'm holding back. She is going to have to come to me (then I have these questions on if I should give in?). I've just been giving her a simple kiss before I go to bed, and a kiss before I leave the house.

 

- I'm retiring to our bedroom directly after we put the kids to bed. I'm allowing her to do whatever she wants to do for the little amount of time that we have to ourselves. I'm thinking this could be a bad move, because she may see this as pulling back, but I feel like I have to do this. I'm taking this time to do things that I enjoy, doing a lot of reading, playing on Live with my buddies, etc.

 

- I'm trying to figure out where I'm lacking in duties at home and trying to make those corrections. I feel that she is getting stressed out about certain things that need to be done at the house, and with managing 2 small children both of us get stressed at the drop of a dime. I'm really trying to figure out how I can eliminate some of this stress for her (even if it means more for me).

 

- I'm trying to make every interaction positive. This is by far the biggest challenge because of the walls that she has put up. Those walls make me upset (essentially hurt my feelings) and lead to me building up resentment towards her. It's a moot point for me because I know that I have to really start to be a man about this. I need to get over myself and build more positive interactions between us. I realize that she has every right to have these walls, but it still hurts.

 

- I'm being more patient. I've accepted things for what they are. Yeah it's not what I want right now, but I participated in making this bed. I know that I'm not getting what I want and deserve, but this doesn't mean that I'm not going to get these things in the future.

 

- I'm learning as much as I can about how real relationships work. I'm letting my wife know that I'm not going anywhere.

 

- Spend as much quality time with my 2 beautiful girls that I can right now. No matter what happens with me and my wife, I don't want to look back at this time as being nothing but painful memories. There is no reason for that, especially with the positive changes that I've made in myself.

[You Go Girl]

Bugaha,

 

does your wife see her own counselor? I think she may be suffering from her own depression. It is not unusual at all in codependency. Many alcoholics really are depressed and need to switch from a depressive drug (alcohol) to a happy one, and you've done that.

Now what about her?

Besides not knowing this now happy man that seems to want to sweep all the past dysfunction under the rug (which she resents strongly!) she resents YOU. She resents you for being happy. I've read up all about this. You're all cured, happy, moving forward, and she's left holding the remnants of the garbage. It's her choice to hold onto that garbage, yes, but she doesn't know what to do about it.

So I suggest she gets into IC herself.

You're fixed, she's still broken.

That's why alcoholism is considered a family disease.

 

She may also be afraid of who this new guy is. She was dependent upon you being dysfunctional. She may be angry at you for fixing yourself. She doesn't know how to deal with you sober. She many want the old drunk back because she knew how to fight with him, and blame him. (Don't bring him back for her). Mostly she doesn't know how to deal with herself.

 

What is the bedroom understanding? Does she know she is welcome back anytime she wants back? Have you gently asked her back?

[bugaha]

YGG... She has been in IC before I got help. She has made a suggestion to do a joint session with both our counselors but hasn't followed through with anything. She's suffered from depression back in high school, but I don't believe she's ever been on meds.

 

She's mentioned to me that she thinks she may be co-dependent, but doesn't know. I'm not sure that she sees me as a "happy man", she knows that I'm hurting about this. She definitely sees me as someone that is making real changes, and doesn't know how to deal with it. She demanded that changes be made, those were made and she was left still feeling the hurt and resentment towards me.

 

She's no doubt angry at me. But I have a hunch that she's going through some sort of depression, she's harboring some issues that she had growing up, and may have some abandonment issues with being adopted as a baby. These along with the dysfunction I put her through I believe have snowballed into this. But I don't know, I don't know what's happening in her head.

 

I'd like to think she knows she is allowed to return to the bedroom at her descretion, but I don't know. When she returned downstairs after we made love, did she do that because she thought that's what I wanted? I'd hope not. I don't think I can gently ask her to return because I feel that she would get the feelings about being trapped. Just add it to my confusion on how to act during this time.

[Serene111]

Bugaha,

I so appreciate your post. I'm new to this site and I can relate to your situation. Thought I would share by story with you - could help you understand your wife's challenges a bit better.

 

I've been married to my AH for over 21 years. No children. We are in our mid 40's and our marriage has been through alot. Besides infertility and bankruptcy (w/i last 12 months) we've dealt with alcoholism too. After near liver failure (2 wks hospital) he went into inpatient treatment and was sober for about 18 months. He relapsed last Sept, Nov, Dec and just last week.

 

He's a good man - very good man. I've grown distant from intimate relations - started probably 8-10 years ago and I know that's been hard on him. Not that we've not had sex but it's not enough for him; this is his reason to possbily end the marriage. I think I've figured out my feelings during his latest relapses.

 

I've progressively shut down my feelings and passion. I've been a regular alanon member since his treatment and I had to learn how to detach with love for my personal survival at first (failing liver, treatment and business closure was very dramatic) and I think I've now just simply "detached".

 

During his last relapse he said he wanted a divorce and I agreed. He also said he has never hated anyone as much as he hates me. (since I told him I needed seperation and was moving out of the bedroom - he acted out). He was drinking ... I think he subconsciously meant the divorce part but I know he didn't really mean the "hate" part. For me ... I became guarded and lost trust ... and then lost my love.

 

When it's good - it's good. When it's not good - it's hurtful, inappropriate and damaging. Alcoholism SUCKS - for everyone! It's a non-discriminating family disease and can come out of no where.

 

I don't love him anymore and I've found peace with that. I'm not even emotional about it - cried a bit but it's been less than a week since I move out of the bedroom and I feel relieved.

 

I'm not trying to dash your hopes ... it sounds like your wife is still working through her emotions. I think I've already done my work. Alanon was the best for me to learn about A and how to live with it and I did, until I had enough. I think you would appreciate attending an alanon meeting too. Maybe go on your own and listen to the others and participate as you are comfortable.

 

I'm sorry - I've rambled alot. Time can heal, give her a chance to work through her feelings ... it can be VERY complicated and YGG was so right on how it feels on the other side. You sound like you've done so well with your recovery!! It's not easy but SO rewarding - don't stop taking care of yourself!! )