any xOW/xOM, now married concerned about becoming a BS?

[phillygirl]

i'll preface this post by stating, emphatically, i love my husband. and he loves me.

 

however, when we met (2001) , he had recently ended a relationship, and i'd recently ended my relationship with a MM. although to my knowledge, he's never cheated (nor have i), there is a tiny bit of insecurity i have that perhaps, i will become the BS. he and i have talked about this over the years, and he feels strongly--and i agree--that it's misplaced guilt and some irrational impending "karma" that i feel i'm due.

 

when i dated my xMM, i was young, and in a very awkward emotional place. i did not want attachment (yet wanted companionship) and felt that "single men" were too unstable, yadda yadda...

 

after about 1 year, i ended the relationship. i chose not to no longer be a co-conspirator in his family disruption. although to my knowledge she never knew, I KNEW my behavior was wrong. he (like many MM) tried to "keep me hanging on"; yet i vehemently refused to be involved again.

 

-----------------------------

 

now 10+ years later (from the beginning of the A) i am overly contemplative that my husband might feel the same way as my xMM did (bored with routine, et al); and do the same to me.

 

i just wonder if others feel the same way..

 

thx!

[Lauriebell82]

I agree with your husband that is sounds like misplaced guilt, that because you dated a MM hurt his BS (even if she didn't know) that you are now due to the same fate.

 

Has your husband EVER given you any indication that he is not trustworthy or would be inclined to cheat? Is he anything like your exMM?

 

I think the first step for you is to forgive yourself for being an OW. You know that it was wrong, you ended the A, you aren't making excuses for your behavior. I think you need to just accept what you did, but give yourself props for discontinuing the behavior and not becoming an OW again.

[carhill]

any xOW/xOM, now married concerned about becoming a BS

I wasn't, but perhaps that perspective was premature and/or unenlightened. Life does nothing if not teach, even if in the dim light of the gaslamp.

[phillygirl]

 

Has your husband EVER given you any indication that he is not trustworthy or would be inclined to cheat? Is he anything like your exMM?

 

nope. never. accept the occasional porn or erotic... but i don't consider that a sign.

 

I think the first step for you is to forgive yourself for being an OW. You know that it was wrong, you ended the A, you aren't making excuses for your behavior. I think you need to just accept what you did, but give yourself props for discontinuing the behavior and not becoming an OW again.

 

thanks lauribelle! i'm much better now that the time has passed. i'm done feeling guilty.

 

i did what i did, and i can't change it. but i also know that it's wrong to enter these types of relationships--despite all the reframing people attempt to do to rationalize them ; and am a bit more empathetic towards BSs.

[Lauriebell82]

nope. never. accept the occasional porn or erotic... but i don't consider that a sign.

 

All men look at porn..as long as it's not in the extreme it's fine. I would say you don't have anything to worry about then. Just remember that your husband loves you and it seems as though he is very supportive in trying to reassure you. Keep that in mind when you start to feel paranoid about becoming a BS.

[phillygirl]

i meant, "none, EXCEPT"...